Reunions
by anon462
Summary: This story takes place eight years after Chosen and seven years after Never Fade Away. Spike survived the final battle with the minons of the Senior Partners. Thinking he was the only survivor he has continued the 'good fight' against evil in L.A.
1. Reunions 1

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Reunions Pt. 1

(May 13, 2011)

Ring....Ring....Ring...

"Hello?"

"Vi, it's Giles. Where's Willow? I need to talk to her right away."

"Ha, morning to you too Giles" Vi said sleepily as she looked over blearily at the bedside clock. "You do know it's four in the morning don't you?"

"Hrump. Yes, I'm sorry Vi. Good morning" Giles said quickly. "Now, where's Willow? I need to talk to her right away and she's not answering her phone."

"Maybe that's because she just got to bed an hour ago" Vi said as she tried to force herself to wake up. "For the first time in two days."

"Vi, this is important" Giles said testily. "I need to speak to Willow. Now!"

"Okay, okay" Vi said quickly as she flipped back the covers and swung her legs out of bed. "Give me a minute or two to go wake her up will ya?"

It was closer to five minutes before Willow was awake enough to take the cell phone Vi was holding in her hand. She sat on the edge of her bed and took the phone with a sense of dread spreading through her. Vi had told her that Giles seemed very upset and Willow was afraid of what might be so important. Vi was hovering at the doorway, where she had withdrawn to, as if she to were afraid to hear what the call was about.

"Hello, Giles?" Willow said hesitantly into the phone. Goddess, please let Buffy be alright were the only thoughts Willow could think coherently.

"Willow" Giles said quietly with a sense of tension that carried over the phone. "I need you and the girls to fly down to Los Angeles as soon as possible."

"Los Angeles?" Willow said as relief flooded through her Buffy's okay. He's not calling about her. Buffy's okay! followed by confusion. "Did you say Los Angeles?" The Council hadn't sent a Slayer, much less an Action Team to Los Angeles in seven years, what's going on?

"Yes Willow, Los Angeles" Giles said with an even stronger feeling of tension in his voice. "I'm sorry to have to ask you to do this, but your the only one within two thousand miles that I can trust to do what needs to be done."

"Do what Giles?" Willow asked as the sense of dread spread through her again.

"I'm sorry Willow. I'm probably not making a lot of sense to you right now, am I. Let me explain" Giles said in a slightly calmer voice. "Do you remember Clem, from back in Sunnydale? Fealock demon, lots of excess skin, harmless fellow, Buffy liked him?"

"Yeah, I remember Clem. What about him" Willow asked as she became confused again? What in the world could Clem have to do with anything? He was probably the most harmless demon she had ever met, ever!

"Well, right, on to it" Giles replied with a tone of distress and tension coming back into his voice. "It seems that Clem finally made it to the Hellmouth in Cleveland and met up with Faith and Robin. Robin remembered him and they apparently had a long conversation about the old days back in Sunnydale. During the conversation Clem mentioned something. Robin talked it over with Faith and they decided to pass it on to me, just in case."

When Giles failed to say more Willow became irritated. "Damn it Giles, will you spit it out. I'm to far away to read your mind."

"Yes, I'm sorry Willow" Giles said, the tension in his voice was screaming through the phone. "But you have to understand something first. This is 'Top Secret, Inner Circle' business. No one knows about it but Faith, Robin and myself, and, and Dawn. You can't tell anyone else what I'm about to tell you. Do you understand?"

Willow swallowed a lump in her throat that felt like a basketball. What in the world was going on? Was it another apocalypse? That didn't make sense, an apocalypse wouldn't have Giles 'this' upset. Not after all the ones they'd been through over the years. Worried maybe, but not like this! And what did any of this have to do with Clem, or Los Angeles?

"Okay Giles" Willow whispered nervously into the phone. "You've got me scared and you've got me worried. I understand, Top Secret. What about Vi, she's part of the Inner Circle, can I tell her?"

"No, not unless it's absolutely necessary" Giles replied quickly. "The fewer people who know the less chance of, of someone finding out about it before were certain."

Willows eyes widened and a few beads of sweat appeared on her forehead and upper lip. She put her hand over the mouth piece of the phone and looked over at Vi who was still standing just outside the doorway. "Ah, I'm sorry Vi" Willow said hesitantly, "but I have to ask you to close the door."

Vi looked at Willow with a big question mark in her eyes, in eight years she had never been asked to leave the room during a discussion that involved Slayer or Council business. But she didn't argue, from the look on Willow face she wasn't certain that she wanted to know what was going on this time. Vi closed the door to Willows bedroom and gave her the privacy she wanted.

"Alright Giles, I'm all alone now" Willow said quietly as she tried to control the nervousness she was feeling. "Now spit it out, I can't take much more of this cryptic shit from you right now."

"I'm sorry Willow, I didn't really mean to be cryptic or such, I really wouldn't be asking you to do this if there was anyone else that I could trust to do it, I would have sent Faith and Robin but they can't leave Cleveland right now and your the only other person who could do this that is close at hand, I'd do it myself but it would take me days and days to get clear of London and get to Los Angeles, and I ..."

"Giles, shut up, your babbling" Willow snapped into the phone. "Enough already, just tell me what I need to know and what you want me to do!"

Willow could hear Giles taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. "Yes, your right, I need to explain." Giles voice was calmer now, but Willow could still hear the tension in his voice.

"While Clem was talking to Robin he mentioned and old friend of his that he had bumped into while he was staying in Seattle a year ago. The friend was a demon he knew from back in Sunnydale. The friend had been living in Los Angeles since the Hellmouth imploded seven years earlier and was telling Clem that he had only moved to Seattle because of all the hell that was going on in Los Angeles at that time and how it wasn't a safe place for a peace loving demon to live anymore." Giles paused in his narration and Willow heard him take another deep breath and let it out slowly.

"This is where things become important" Giles said with a quiver in his voice. "The friend told Clem that he thinks he saw another old friend from Sunnydale just before he left Los Angeles. The other old friend was involved in a big fight between humans and vampires. Clems friend wasn't sure which side the other old friend was fighting on, but since the other old friend was a vampire himself the friend assumed he was fighting for the other vampires. He told Clem that he didn't stay around to see who won the fight, he was leaving town anyway and didn't want to get involved."

When it hit Willow who this other old friend who was also a vampire might be, she gasped from the shock of it. It couldn't be. He's dead. He's suppose to be dead! But, what if he came back again? Could he do that, again? And if it was him, where has he been all these years? Why hadn't he ever contacted them? What if Buffy finds out? Oh Goddess, Oh Goddess, Oh Goddess! What if Buffy finds out!!!

"Giles, do you know what your saying?" Willow choked out. "If Buffy finds out she'll go crazy."

"I know Willow. That's why it has to be you that goes to Los Angeles to find out if the story is true" Giles said with so much pain in his voice that he could barely speak.

"But, but what am I suppose to do if it is true Giles" Willow asked plaintively.

"That's the reason for secrecy Willow. If it is him and he's lost his soul, your going to have to, to, to get rid of him" Giles gritted out between clenched teeth.

"What?" Willow shrieked into the phone not believing what she had just heard. "What the hell do you mean 'get rid of him' Giles? JUST WHAT THE FUCKING HELL DO YOU MEAN?" she screamed into the phone. Tears were streaming from her eyes and snot was running from her nose. Her throat felt constricted and she couldn't catch her breath. "What the hell ... do you think I am ... you fucking bastard?" she gasped out between sobbing breaths.

"Buffy's dearest and most loving friend" Giles choked out between his own sobs. "Willow, if Buffy even hears the rumor that he might be alive she'll be on the first plane she can get on. If it is him and he's lost his soul, she won't only go crazy, she'll try to kill herself, or let him try to kill her. You know she will."

Willow gasped for breath between sobs as she cried into the phone. She could hear the pain Giles was feeling as he cried into the phone on his end of the line. Oh Goddess! Oh Goddess! Oh Goddess! What am I going to do? I don't think I can do it! I don't think I 'could' kill him! If Buffy ever found out she would hate me forever, if she didn't kill me first. I don't think I would even try to stop her. Oh Goddess, what am I going to do? Wait, the spell, the curse. I've done it before, twice. I could use the spell on him and force his soul back into him!

"Giles, Giles, what about the curse, I could force his soul back into him" Willow gasped into the phone, trying to get herself under control again.

"I've thought of that too Willow. That's the second reason it has to be you to go to Los Angeles" Giles said as he tried to get his own shattered emotions under control. "But you know that it might not work on him. The curse was written as a punishment for Angelus, to make him suffer for all the innocents he had killed. It might not work on Spike."

Minor revision 12/04

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	2. Reunions 2

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Reunions / Part 2

It was just after five in the morning when Willow opened the bedroom door and stepped out into the hallway. Vi and the other three slayers of the Action Team were all standing in the hall waiting for her. Vi and the other three slayers were all dressed. The four young women stood there looking at her, waiting for her to tell them what she wanted them to do. Pride washed through Willow as she realized that 'her' team was ready to follow her without any questions, into any situation.

"Everyone get packed and ready to leave" Willow told them with a rasp in her voice. Her eyes were still red and puffy from the crying she had been doing, but she had herself under control now. "Someone call the airport and book us the first flight to Los Angeles. Once we have a flight time call down to the lobby and tell them we will be checking out and ask them to arrange for a car to take us to the airport."

Willow didn't say anymore as she turned and walked back into her bedroom. None of the girls said anything until her door closed behind her.

"Man, that call must'a been some deep shit" Ruth said quietly. "Haven't seen her look so bad since her and Kennedy broke it up."

"Enough of that" Vi said as she took charge of the situation. "Sara, you call the airport and arrange for the tickets. Let me know the flight time. Ruth, you and Nicky break down the weapons and put them in the shipping case. I'll pack up mine and Sara's stuff and be out to help in a few minutes."

Ruth and Nicky headed for the room they shared and where they kept the weapons case. Sara headed for the living room of the suite where she had been standing guard while the rest of them had slept, she would use the house phone in there to make her calls. Vi entered her room and quickly packed hers and Sara's thing into their suitcases, locked them up and carried them out to the living room. Sara was just hanging up the phone as she entered the room.

"First flight leaves in forty-five minutes, we can't make that one" Sara told Vi. "Next one leaves at 8:00AM, but stops in San Francisco for a two hour layover before going on to L.A.. Next one is non-stop to LAX, leaves at 10:15AM. That's the one I booked, we need to get there an hour before departure to pay for the tickets, check our luggage and go through security."

"Okay" Vi said, "call down to the lobby and tell them were checking out and arrange for a car to take us to the airport. Then call room service and have them send up a breakfast and coffee for everyone."

Sara nodded her head to acknowledge her orders and picked up the phone again. Vi left the living room and walked down the hall to Willows bedroom. She tapped on the door then opened it and entered. Willow was dressed and her suitcase was packed and ready. She was sitting on the edge of the bed with her head bent, her hair was hanging down and obscuring her face. She had her hands in her lap and was picking at one of her fingernails. When Vi stopped in front of her Willow lifted her head to face her.

Willow had stopped crying and most of the redness and puffiness was gone from her eyes, but she still had a look of pain shining out from them. Vi had to agree with Ruth about the way Willow was looking. It had been years since she had seen Willow look so distressed. She couldn't help wonder what that call from Giles had been all about or about what she had heard Willow screaming at Giles over the phone as she stood outside the door. She had heard Will cuss before, but in eight years she had never heard her cuss at Giles. Something really bad must have happened or was going to happen soon. God, don't let it be about Buffy! If there's anything in this world that Willow couldn't deal with it was something happening to Buffy.

Vi couldn't help herself, she had to ask "Is Buffy okay?"

A startled look flashed across Willows face.

"Was that what the call was about?" Vi continued.

Willow bent her head again and after taking in a deep breath she let out a long sigh. She then raised her head and with a look of determination on her face she replied. "No, the call wasn't about Buffy. It was something else." Willow hesitated for several long moments as Vi stared down at her waiting for an explanation. She squared her shoulders and looked Vi in the eyes. "Vi, I've never lied to you, or any of the other girls. But, I can't tell you what that call was about, at least not now. Please don't ask."

Vi looked at Willow for a full minute. Willow didn't turn away and held eye contact with her the whole time. Vi could see that Willow was upset about not telling her what was going on, but she could see that determined look on her face and knew that asking wouldn't get an answer and would only hurt Willow in the end. For seven years Vi had been part of Willows Action Team and for the past four years she had been the head of it. In all that time Willow had never asked her to do something that wasn't important or critical or necessary. Vi nodded her head in acceptance without saying anything.

"Alright, back to business" Vi said briskly. "The plane leaves at 10:15, we need to check out around 8:30, a car is being arranged to take us there and breakfast will be up shortly. Everyone's bags are packed and ready. Ruth and Nicky are packing the weapons now. I'm going to go see how their doing and if they haven't finished yet I'll give them a hand. Sara made all the calls and is in the living room if you have any questions about the arrangements." Vi nodded her head to Willow again and walked to the door to leave.  
As she opened the door she heard Willow say quietly "Thank You!"

The flight left on time and would have arrived on time, except they were held in a holding pattern for an extra forty-five minutes due to rain. Southern California was the only place Willow had ever been to that panicked every time it showered. By the time they landed and gathered their luggage, caught a taxi and drove to a hotel in central L.A., checked in and got to the suite they rented, it was already past three. With the lack of sleep that all of them were suffering from the girls were cranky, hungry, and wanting showers and fresh cloths. But before they did anything else they carried the weapons case into one of the bedrooms and unpacked the weapons and assembled the crossbows. Experience over the years had taught all of them that weapons always came first.

The first thing Willow did was to opened the backpack she used as her 'magic bag', take out what she needed and proceeded to cast a warding spell on the whole suite. Hotel rooms, being public places, were not very good at keeping out vampires, demons or other unwanted mystical beings. The Coven had worked out a simple spell that even the least sophisticated or magically talented slayer could use to ward wherever she might be staying. Once a slayer moved out of the hotel rooms the spell quickly faded away. Willow then carried her suitcase and her 'magic bag' into the room she had chosen for herself and closed the door behind her.

Vi had warned the other girls off on asking Willow any questions about why they had come to L.A.. They all knew that no Slayer much less an Action Team had been to L.A. in almost seven years. They were all deeply curious about what they were doing here, but all of them, out of respect for both Willow and Vi, were keeping their questions to themselves. Once they had all the weapons unpacked and assembled, ready to use, they let themselves relax a little.

Vi and Sara picked one of the bedrooms for themselves and the other went to Ruth and Nicky. Each bedroom in the suite had it's own bathroom so they were all able to take a shower and change cloths in a short time. They had all just returned to the living room of the suite and were trying to decide if they were going to call room service for dinner or if they were going to go down to the hotel restaurant when Willow came back into the living room. They could all see that she hadn't changed her cloths or given herself the time to take a shower yet. They knew that meant she had been casting spells or on the phone since she had entered her room.

Willow looked them all over and smiled at them lopsidedly. "Call down and have room service send up a meal and try to get some rest. Will be going out later tonight." she told them. "Sara, call the lobby and see if you can arrange for a car rental, we'll need it while we're here."

Willow turned around and left them, going back to her room. This was unusual behavior for Willow, she was the leader of their team and very seldom cut herself off from them the way she had been doing all day. When dinner arrived Willow didn't come out to join them. Vi took a tray to Willows door and knocked on it. Willow took the tray without even asking what she was getting. She just gave Vi a tight lipped smile and whispered "Thank You" as she closed the door.

At ten o'clock Willow came out of her room again. She had taken a shower and changed her cloths. Her hair was still wet and tied back with a black ribbon. All of her cloths were either black or dark gray. With her pale complexion she looked like a ghost, or a vampire. The girls all looked at her and stood up, waiting for directions.

Willow spoke clearly, but quietly, as if talking to loudly would shatter the pale distant demeanor she was wearing like armor. "Sara, go get the car and meet us in back of the hotel. There's an alley that leads to the kitchen and the laundry. Go back by the laundry and turn around, wait for us there. The rest of us will go down the back stairs with the weapons and meet you there."

Sara grabbed up her jacket and slipped it on. It was bright red with bright yellow strips on the sleeves and car club decals on the front. But if anyone bothered to look closely they would have noticed that it was a reversible jacket with a flat black side to it and no markings at all. The rest of the girls were dresses similarly, bright colors on the outside, flat non-reflective colors on the inside. Willow slipped her small backpack on and shrugged it into a comfortable position. The rest of the girls picked up the dark gray and black duffle bags that contained their assembled weapons. When they exited the suite, Sara went left to the elevator down to the lobby, the rest of them went right to the stairs at the far end of the hall. Everyone moved quietly and no one in any of the rooms they passed heard a sound.

They had been driving around for over three hours. Sara was driving with Willow in the passenger seat. The other three girls were in the backseat. The weapons bags were open on the floor, weapons ready and immediately available if needed. Vi was sitting behind Sara, looking over the seat at Willow. Willow was looking down at her hands where she was holding a small glass vial with something glowing floating around inside of it. Every once in awhile she would say something quietly and Sara would turn a corner to head in the direction Willow had told her to go. No one was saying anything except Willow, and then only to give directions.

All of the girls had seen Willow use her magic hundreds and hundreds of times. Sometimes small spells like the warding spell, sometimes big spells like fire bolt's and lightening strikes. But in all the years that Vi had been around Willow and seen her use her magic she had never seen Willow concentrate so hard on a seemingly minor spell. It was fairly obvious that it was some kind of tracking spell and that Will was trying to locate someone or something. But it was also obvious that she was having a very difficult time locating whatever it was she was looking to find.

When the little speck of light in the vial started to glow brighter Willow quickly told Sara to make a right turn. Sara made the first right turn she could and followed an alley for several blocks deep into an area of what appeared to be empty lots, derelict buildings and boarded up warehouses. As they were passing the truck ramps of one warehouse the glow flared brightly and Willow told Sara to turn left. As soon as Sara turned she had to stop and turned off her lights. If she went any further she would enter an open truck bay and be inside the warehouse.

Willow looked the situation over and quietly opened her door and got out of the car. Sara had fixed the light switches on the doors so that no lights turned on when the doors opened. Vi and the rest of the girls got out of the car quietly and handed out the weapons to everyone. Sara turned off the engine and pocketed the key. Vi handed her a crossbow that she quickly cocked and laid a bolt in place for immediate use if needed. Ruth and Nicky also had crossbows ready and each of them were also carrying swords. Vi didn't have a crossbow, she was carrying a four and a half foot long stake with a sharpened point on each end. All of them, even Willow, had short wooden stakes tucked in their belts. Willow slipped her backpack off and took several things out of it and put them in her pockets. Vi noticed one of the items and bit down hard to prevent herself from saying anything in shock. What she saw Willow putting into her pocket scared the living hell out of Vi. She had only seen Willow use a similar item once before and that time the fireball she had launched from the little blue tube she had so casually slipped into her pocket had blown a building half the size of the warehouse they were getting ready to enter into flaming splinters and rubble, and that was from fifty yards away. What the hell would that thing do to a building they were inside of was anyone's guess.

They entered the warehouse in a diamond shape around Willow. Sara was forward, Vi on the left, Ruth on the right, Nicky covering the rear. They moved quietly and slowly through the darkness of the warehouse. Willow was still holding the little glowing vial in one hand, the other hand was in her pocket holding something else.

They were deep inside the warehouse when they heard a car engine racing and a car, their car, came around a corner and slid sideways to a stop twenty feet away from Ruth with it's headlights pointed straight at them. Someone jumped out of the drivers side and ran off into the dark. They all stood there like deer caught in the lights of an on rushing car. They could hear noises coming from different directions around them, but couldn't see anyone hidden in the dark.

Suddenly they could hear the clicking of hard boot heels as they moved toward them. A voice called out "Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman." Giggles broke out from several voices in the dark around them. "Well actually I smell the blood of a Witch, don't I Red." As the voice stopped speaking a vampire stepped out into the open not ten feet away from Vi. They all turned in his direction. The vampire was dressed in tight black motorcycle leathers with mystic symbols painted on them. He had white blond hair and was wearing a chain around his neck from which hung a large silver cross. He had a long sword in one hand, but was using it like a walking stick instead of a weapon. As they watched his face morphed into human form and they could all see him clearly.

Vi was the first to react, she said one word "Spike" and fainted dead away.

Minor revision 12/04

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	3. Reunions 3

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Reunions / Part 3

When Vi fainted and slumped to the floor Spike stood there staring at her for several long moments then started laughing. "Bloody hell, I've had a bird or two faint on me when I've changed into a monster, she the first to faint when I've changed back. What kind of fighters are you raising up Red?"

Willow knelt down next to Vi and took her pulse to be sure she was alright. Without thinking she said "Don't laugh at her Spike. It's Vi, she always was more afraid of you than even the First."

"Vi? That can't be right" Spike said with a puzzled look on his face. "This girl can't be more than seventeen. Vi would be somewhere in her mid twenties by now."

Willow realized that she had said something she probably shouldn't have said and covered it up with a white lie. "It's a glamour, all of the older Slayers use them so that they don't stand out as to much older than the other Slayers."

Spike bent his head and tilted it a little to one side, staring down at her as if he could read the truth if he looked hard enough. That look brought back a hundred memories from years gone past and made Willow blush profusely. Spike seeing her blush, let a smirk twist his smiling lips. "You too Red, using a glamour to make you look younger for the little girls?"

Willow blushed again and stammered out "All the time. Most of the time. I spend most of my time with the slayers and it would look strange for a thirty year old to be hanging out with them. I would draw questions I don't want to answer."

The other three slayers hadn't dropped their guard for a moment, but all of them were puzzled by the conversation between Willow and this vampire she seemed to know so well. Spike seeing Willow blush so much assumed she was telling the truth about a glamour and he had to admit she didn't look a day older than the last time he'd seen her eight years ago.

When Vi started to revive Spike squatted down to get a better look at her. When she opened her eyes and saw him directly over her Vi's eyes got very big and a tiny "eep" slipped out. When Spike smiled at her she said in a whisper "Your dead!"

"Bloody damn right, I am" he said and started laughing again. When Spike stood up he turned his back on Willow, Vi and the rest of the slayers and called out into the dark. "Come on children, it's safe to come out and play. The mean old Witch won't hurt you, she's a friend of mine, of a sort, anyway."

As Willow looked out into the dark she could hear the sounds of people moving around. The first ones she saw were young men and women in their late teens and early twenties. The next ones to come into the light were younger teenagers and behind them, not coming all the way out of the dark were even younger children. Suddenly, from out of the dark a small figure came racing across the floor and launched herself into the air directly at Spike.

Spike caught the little girl in midair with one arm and tucked her up close to him as she wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. She buried her face in his neck and a soft cooing sound could be heard coming from her. Spike handed his sword to one of the older boys and wrapped his other arm around the little girl, hugged her, kissed her cheek and started cooing into her ear. For several moments it sounded like two doves were talking to each other. Willow, still kneeling next to Vi, stared at Spike with her mouth hanging open.

Spike led Willow and the slayers through the warehouse, down two flight of stairs, along an underground passage and through a steel door. Once they were past the door the area was well lit with candles and lanterns. Willow could see pallets of bedding arranged in several areas around the large room. One area looked as if it were for the smaller children, another area was for most of the other boys and girls and one area off to one side had blankets hanging from the ceiling to provide some privacy and bedding big enough for two people to share. There was one place off in one corner that had two walls made out of scrap wood and cardboard that provided the most privacy. Spike led the way to that corner and pulling back a blanket that acted as a door he carried the little girl inside.

Willow stopped at the doorway and watched Spike unwrap the little blonde hair girl from around him and lay her down on a pallet. He pulled a blanket up over her and bending down he kissed her cheek. The girl sighed happily and closed her eyes. When Spike stood up he saw Willow watching him and the smile disappeared from his face.

When Spike stepped out of his little room he jerked his head at Willow to indicate he wanted her to follow him and led the way back over by the steel door. Vi and the other slayers had been standing in the middle of the room staring at all the children. The older ones were helping the younger ones get into bed and off to one side a girl of fourteen or fifteen was reading a story to a half dozen boys and girls that looked like they might be ten or eleven years old. When Vi saw Willow following Spike she followed after them. The other three slayers followed after her. All of them were still carrying their weapons, but the ones with crossbows had removed the bolts for safety sake.

When Spike got to the door he flopped down on a cushion with stuffing coming out of several rips and leaned back against the wall. He motioned to Willow and the others to make themselves comfortable on the floor, or stand if they wanted too. When Willow sat down on the floor in front of him he stared at her for several long moments then let out a sigh. "Okay Red, what are you doing here?" Spike asked suspiciously.

"Looking for you, actually" Willow replied calmly.

"A little late, don't ya think" Spike replied coldly.

Willow was disturbed by Spikes coldness but tried to hide it. "We thought you were dead. Angel told us you died with the rest of his people seven years ago."

"Angel?" Spike gasped out as he leaned forward quickly. "He's alive? I'll be bloody well damned. Where's he at?" Spike asked, then changed his mind. "Never mind, it doesn't make any difference anyway."

Willow was feeling very confused by Spikes quick changes. At first he seemed pleased that Angel was still alive and in the next breath he seemed totally indifferent. "Spike, Angel contacted us after the battle with the Senior Partners forces. He'd been badly wounded and it took him a long time to recover enough to get to a phone and call us. He was down in the southern tip of Baja Mexico hiding out in a barn and trying to recover. He was a real mess when we got to him and got him out of there. He told us that he hadn't seen you die, but since Illyria had only brought him out of the battle he assumed you must have been killed. We had fifty slayers and the whole Coven looking for you for over a month, but we couldn't find any trace of you. We finally had to give up. We thought you were dead."

"So, Blue got him out, huh" Spike said distantly. "Wonder why she never told anyone where she left me a lay'n?"

"Oh Goddess Spike" Willow said as a tear ran down her face. "She couldn't tell anyone anything. She died before Angel woke up."

Spikes head snapped up from where he had been looking down at the chipped black polish on his finger nails. He stared at Willow hard as if he were burning holes right through her with his eyes. He moved quickly and got to his feet. He stood there looking down at Willow and the others and said to them in a cold distant voice "You'll have to stay here till near morning, just before the sun comes up. Can't have you leaving in the middle of the night. To much chance of a vampire seeing you leave and wondering what you were doing inside the warehouse. That's why we hotwired your car and brought it inside. Couldn't let anyone see it outside in the open. Find an empty pallet and get some sleep, or don't. I don't care either way." With that Spike walked away from them and entered his little room where the little blonde haired girl was sleeping in his bed.

In the early morning when the older teens and young adults got up Willow went over to join some of them and see if she could get any of them to talk to her. The night before, or earlier this morning, when they had arrived all of the older kids had avoided them and had kept the younger ones away from them too. It wasn't that they acted badly toward Willow and the slayers, it was more like they didn't trust them or have anything in common to talk about.

Willow was determined to find out more about Spike and the past seven years. She had to find out more, if for no other reason than to have something to tell Buffy. She knew that Buffy would have to be told, and soon. At least Willow wouldn't have to be the one to do that part. Giles would have to be the one to talk to Buffy and Willow needed to be able to give him some useful information to give to her.

For a half hour Willow tried to start up conversations with the different older kids and the young adults, but no one would talk to her. They were all polite, but whenever she asked any questions about Spike they all told her that she really needed to talk to Spike about those things. When she tried to get them to talk about themselves they said even less. Everyone had something else they needed to be doing and left her standing with her mouth open and no one to talk too.

Feeling frustrated Willow gathered up her backpack and sat down in the middle of the floor. She spread some of her vials and packets around her and started mixing up simple concoctions for fun. The Coven had been doing things like this for years to entertain each other and to entertain guest who came to visit. When she had a half dozen little packets ready she started the entertainment.

First thing she did was to make a glowing blue butterfly fly around the room and hover over the heads of the smaller children who were just waking up. When they started following the butterfly around it led them back to Willow. The older children stood back and didn't interfere, but they watched from a distance. Her second trick was to make coins appear and disappear from her hands. She then put the coins into the hands of some of the children telling them to hold on real tight and making the coins disappear anyway and fall from the ceiling. The children were very impressed by that trick because they knew the coins were real and solid when they put them into their hands and squeezed them tight and no one could figure out how she made the trick work. Of course none of the children, neither the young ones or the older ones had ever seen real magic.

Her next trick was to make a small yellow canary appear out of thin air and sit on her finger and sing. As the canary was singing Willow noticed that the little blonde girl that she had seen with Spike earlier in the night was watching the singing bird closely and had a small shy smile on her lips. Willow motioned to the girl to come over and let the bird sit on her finger. At first the girl wouldn't come near Willow. But the attraction of the singing canary was to much for her and she finally moved a little closer and stretched out her arm. The bird flew over to the little girl and landed on her finger and sang its song. The little girl stood there smiling as she watched the bird sing. When the spell finally ended and the bird flew up into the air and became a puff of glowing sparkles the girl sighed sadly, but didn't leave.

Willow next made a ball of glowing light appear and hover in the air. She then handed a little cup to one of the children and told him to whisper his name into the cup. As soon as he finished whispering his name the glowing ball started moving through the air and spelled out his name in a glowing trail. A half dozen children had whispered their names into the cup and had their names spelled out when Willow offered the cup to the little girl. All of the children became very quiet and stood there looking at each other and at Willow and then the little girl. The little girl wouldn't take the cup and put her hands behind her back. Willow wasn't sure what was going on and was afraid she had done something she shouldn't have done, but she didn't know what. Willow saw one of the older teens walk over to Spikes room and stick his head inside for a few moments. Willow held the cup out to the little girl again and said to her "It's okay sweetie, you don't have to say it out loud, just whisper it, that will be enough."

From the corner of her eye Willow saw Spike step out of his room, look the situation over and start walking toward the little girl. Just before he got to her the girl made a little dove coo into the cup. The glowing ball hovered in the air for a few moments and then started spelling out the name Joy. When Spike saw the name being spelled out he bent down and picked the little girl up in his arms. The girl wrapped one arm around Spikes neck and waved at her name floating in the air with the other. Spike kissed her on the cheek as he held her close and Willow could see that he had tears in his eyes. The girl wrapped both arms around Spikes neck and kissed him while he hugged her back and kissed her kiss for kiss.

Willow decided that she had done enough magic for now and gathered up her things and placed them back into her magic bag. None of the small children made any fuss over her stopping and they all started gathering around Spike and the girl. When Spike finally set the girl back down on the floor the other children led her off to play.

Willow got up off the floor and stood there with her magic bag in her hand. Spike walked up to her and reaching out hesitantly and touched her on the shoulder. "I don't know how you did that" he said with an emotionally choked voice "but thank you for doing it anyway."

Willow hesitated for a moment and then blurted out the question "Spike who is that little girl and what is she to you?"

Spike looked at Willow with tears clearly visible in his eyes and said "Her name is Joy, she's my daughter."

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	4. Reunions 4

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Reunions / Part 4

When Spike walked away from Willow and reentered his little room she stood there for several minutes not knowing what to say or think. Joy? His daughter? What? How? When? Where? Who? What? How? Thoughts tumbled through her mind so fast Willow couldn't sort them out or put them together coherently. Oh Goddess, this doesn't make any sense! Spike has a daughter? He can't! It's not possible! Is it? ….. Wait. Wait. Connor. Angel has a son! But that was, was, special, wasn't it? Two vampires, one with a soul, unborn child, Darla, killed herself, demon dimension, came back, ????? This doesn't make any sense! Spike has a soul, right! Who is the mother? When did it happen? The girl, she's six or seven, right? Was that why he never came back? That thought shocked Willow like a bolt of lightening.

Willows thoughts were so frazzled that she couldn't think straight. Giles. I have to talk to Giles. I have to tell him about Spike! About the girl! I have to leave. NOW!!! With that thought Willow started gathering up her things and signaled to Vi and the others to get ready to leave. Vi had been staying near the door, away from Spike, and the other girls had stayed close to her.

All of them had finally figured out who this Spike was, but none of them knew how that was possible. They had all heard the stories about how he was the 'hero' at the 'Hellmouth' and how he had sacrificed himself to save the world. How he had come back from the dead and died again fighting the demon army of the Wolfram & Hart Senior Partners. They had all heard the stories about Buffy and the 'Ring'.

As soon as they got back to the hotel Willow went straight to her room and got the special cell phone out of her suitcase. She checked the battery and saw that it was low. Not feeling that she could wait for it to recharge she set it down on the bed and started speaking a special chant she had worked out years ago when she was still working with Kennedy down in South America. It only took a few minutes and the phone was fully charged again. She knew that charging the phone this way was going to screw up the batteries and she would have to get new ones, but she didn't really care at the moment. She picked up the phone and pushed the speed dial number and listened as the phone dialed Giles emergency number.

It was early evening in London but most of the staff at the Council headquarters had left for the day. There was one young trainee slayer and an elderly woman, who had once been a research assistant for the former Council, on duty to cover the phones and take messages. In the library there was a member of the Coven doing some research. There were two armed guards, one at the fortified entrance to the building and one in the security room monitoring the security cameras that monitored almost every room in the building. Almost every room. In one room, Giles office, there was no camera. Which was a very good thing because if the guard could see Giles at this moment he would have been convinced by Giles behavior that the end of the world was only moments away.

Giles was pacing the floor and wringing his hands almost constantly. He hadn't shaved for several days. His shirt was wrinkled and soiled from perspiration, he hadn't changed it in two days. He hadn't left his office since his conversation with Willow the day before, he was afraid to be away from his phone. The only thing he had eaten were a couple of soggy sandwiches that he had forced himself to choke down and countless cups of tea. His stomach was on fire, his head felt like it was going to explode, and his back hurt so badly that he couldn't sit for longer that a few minutes.

Ever since he had received the call from Faith and Robin he had been in an elevated state of anxiety and nervous tension. Since his conversation with Willow the day before he had been in even a worst state. Sending Willow to Los Angeles had seemed like the only solution at the time. But ever since that call he had been doubting the wisdom of his decision. It was only a rumor, a friend of a friend thought he saw another friend. There wasn't any proof that the rumor was true. But what if it was? What if Spike was alive? Where could he have been all this time? Why hadn't he ever contacted them? The thousand and one why's and what if's were driving him mad.

But the one "What If" that was most important was the one that truly terrified him. What if Spike has lost his soul?

The sun was just setting and the light from it had that special glow that sometimes happens. When the tall young woman turned the corner the light caught her just right and she looked like a golden goddess. Her long brown hair caught the light and seemed to glow with an inner life of it's own. The tan slacks, white blouse and short red leather waist jacket caught the light at just the right moment and made her look like a pillar of fire. The smile on her sculpted face seemed to radiate the blessings of heaven down upon the earth.

As she walked down the street she moved with an ease of grace that made one think of a wild lioness or a professional dancer or a gold medal gymnast. There was no fear in her step, no hesitation. She moved as if she ruled the world and nothing had better get between her and her destination. Dawn had grown in many ways over the past eight years and she was now a beautiful and confident woman.

When she reached the security door she withdrew her security card from her purse and ran it through the scanner. The outer door opened and she stepped inside. She then places her right hand inside the palm print scanner and looked into the view finder for her retina scan while she spoke into the little grill for voice recognition. The second door opened and Dawn stepped inside the foyer and presented her security card to the guard through the little slot in the bullet proof window. The guard ran the card through a scanner, checked the computer screen that showed the results of her palm, retina and voice scans and a current picture of her face. He then slid the security card back out of the slot in the window and only then pressed a button that slid open a wood covered steel door that permitted entrance to the rest of the Council building. Never again would an enemy of the Council gain entrance to their headquarters.

Dawn walked down the short hallway, her high heeled shoes clicking on the parquet floor. When she got to the elevator she used her security card to open it. She then slid the card into a slot and pressed the button for the sixth floor. Only people with a certain level of security were allowed on certain floors. Dawns level of clearance allowed her to go anywhere in the building she wanted to go. When she left the elevator she walked quickly down the hall to Giles office. His secretary was gone for the night, so Dawn tapped in the code that unlocked his office door and entered without knocking. On seeing Giles she realized that she should have come earlier.

"Da, Daw, Dawn! What are yo …you do … doing here?" Giles stuttered out. Giles level of stress and his utter exhaustion made his normal impeccable pronunciation evaporate completely.

"I'm here to see you, you big doofus" Dawn said as she walked across the room to stand before Giles. "You look like you died a week ago and no one's told you yet."

"I re … realize that I'm a b … b … bit of a shambles right now. Bu … but i … it's only tem … temporary, I a … assu … assure you." he stuttered out.

"Giles sit down before you fall down. You look like hell. I'm not kidding." Dawn said with deep concern in her voice.

"I ca … can't. My ba … back is killing me. If I si …sit down i … it hurts even worst" Giles said as he leaned heavily against his desk.

Dawn looked Giles over and could see that he wasn't kidding and that he was in a lot of pain. She could also see that he was going to collapse soon if he didn't get help soon. "Okay, lay down on the floor." Dawn said as she laid her purse down on his desk and removed her jacket.

"Wh … what are y …y … you talking about" Giles said with a tone of total perplexity in his voice, even with the stutter.

"Lay. Down. On. The. Floor. I'm going to fix your back." Dawn replied calmly as she took off her high heeled shoes.

Once Giles understood what Dawn wanted him to do he started to protest, but a twinge of excruciating pain stabbed through him at that very moment and robbed him of any thoughts of refusing relief. The biggest problem that he could see at the moment was how he was going to get down to the floor without fainting. Dawn came to his rescue and helped him get down to his knees.

When Dawn stepped back from him and started taking off her pants Giles nearly had a heart attack. "Wh … what in the world d … do you think y … you are doing?" he asked indignantly.

Dawn looked a Giles as if she were dealing with someone who couldn't understand words longer than two syllables. "Giles, these pants cost $150 and the blouse was over $80. I'm not going to mess them up getting down on your dirty floor." As she was saying this she stepped out of her pants and laid them across a chair. She then started unbuttoning her blouse.

"Bu … but t … the floors n … not dirty" Giles said in response as his eyes widened as Dawn removed her blouse and hung it over the back of the chair.

Dawn stood before him as he knelt on the floor in her snow white bikini panties and a white lace bra that seemed to barely cover her breast. Dawn gave Giles a wicked little grin and did a slow pirouette directly in front of him. She then stood in front of him with her hands on her hips and a smirk on her face. "What are you getting so excited about? You've seen me in a bikini before, lots of times."

"Bu … but that's not a b ..bi … bikini. Your in your un … under … underwear." Giles said plaintively, but his eyes refused to look away from Dawn.

A young girlish giggle escaped from Dawn as she lifted her hands up and gathered her hair, twisting it into a loose bun and used two sharpened pencils from Giles desk to stab through the mass of hair and hold it in place. She then knelt down in front of Giles and started pulling at his shirt to pull it out of his pants as she unbuttoned it. Giles was in such a state by this time he could only let her do whatever she was going to do. When she had his shirt completely unbuttoned she started pulling at it and forced Giles to take it off. Giles was also wearing an undershirt and Dawn started pulling at it, forcing Giles to raise his arms so that she could pull it up and over his head.

Giles had passed his prime a number of years ago, but for a man of fifty he was actually in pretty good shape. He worked out at home fairly often and still did some training with the younger slayers occasionally. Granted, compared to a slayer or a super human vampire or demon he might appear clumsy or weak, but to the average man or woman on the street his physique was fairly impressive. Dawn was impressed anyway. Looking at Giles and comparing him to a number of young men less than half his age who weren't half as fit made her reconsider some of her recent dating choices.

When Dawn reached down and started to unbuckle Giles belt he grabbed both of her hands and pulled them away immediately. "Just what in blazes do you think your doing now?" Giles gasped out, the stutter totally gone for the moment.

Dawn sat back on her heels and looking at Giles. "I have to be able to get at your lower back if I'm going to do you any good at all. I don't want to have to fight with your belt while I'm trying to do that. If you don't want me to do it you can do it yourself. Undo your pants and slip them down off your hips while your at it. I'm trying to help you Giles, I'm not trying to rape you."

Giles feeling a bit of a fool unbuckled his belt and pulled it free of his pants. He then moved a couple of feet from his desk, unbuttoned and half unzipped his pants and pushed them down from his hips. He immediately tried to lay down on his stomach but a searing pain in his back froze him in position on his hands and knees. Dawn moved over next to him on her knees and pressing herself against him bent over his back, wrapped her arms around him with her hands on his chest and supported him while he lowered himself to the floor. She looked around and seeing a small pillow on the couch across the room she got up and brought it over to Giles so that he could rest the side of his face on it.

Dawn then went to her purse and opening it she pulled out a tube of moisturizing cream. It wouldn't be the best thing for a message and at $18 a tube it wouldn't be the cheapest, but it was all she had to work with right now. But at least when she finished Giles was going to smell really pretty. Dawn moved behind Giles preparing to straddle his legs and hips while she gave him the message. She could have done it from the side if she wanted to, but she always felt she got better leverage this way. When she saw that Giles still had his shoes on she pulled them off to make him more comfortable. She then straddled his legs and lowered herself down so that her legs and thighs were framing his hips and buttocks. Giles grunted a couple of times in pain as she adjusted her position and she felt bad that she had hurt him, but she knew that pretty soon she would be making him feel a lot better.

For the next forty-five minutes Dawn worked on Giles back, upper and lower. She used up the entire tube of moisturizing cream and as she figured it would it absorbed into his skin and didn't give her quite the slip and slide she would have preferred when giving a message, but it did the job. At one point while working on his lower back she pulled at his pants to get them a little lower on his hips and realized that Giles was wearing bikini briefs. You sexy old dog she thought to herself and then realized that Giles really was a sexy man.

By the time she ran out of cream the muscles in Giles back had totally relaxed and he wasn't in any pain anymore. In fact he had become so relaxed he had almost fallen asleep twice. Dawn decided to have a little fun for and leaning over Giles with her hands to each side of his shoulders she pulled herself up his body so that her legs and thighs now framed his upper body instead of his hips. Raising herself up on her hands for the balance she needed she started using her legs and thighs to message his sides and waist. Giles started making sounds that almost sounded like a purr.  
Ring ….. Ring ….

When the phone started ringing Giles moved so quickly that he flipped Dawn off his back and on to the floor. He was up on his feet and answering the phone before it could ring a third time.

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	5. Reunions 5

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Reunions / Part 5

As the second ring faded away and before the third, Giles snatched up the phone and spoke into it urgently "Willow, is it you? Did you find him?"

"I found him Giles, last night. He's alive, or un-dead, or whatever and he has his soul." Willow said in a rush. "But he's different Giles. He's not like he use to be. He's harder and colder, and, and I think bitter. I don't know all the facts yet."

Hearing from Willow that Spike was actually alive and still had his soul was wonderful news on one hand, but at the same time it filled Giles with dread. He would have to tell Buffy soon now, he couldn't keep it from her much longer or she would never forgive him. But he needed more information.

"Willow, tell me what you do know. Make some guesses. Tell me something." Giles pleaded into the phone. "I have to have more than 'He's Alive' to tell Buffy, I have too." Giles realized that Dawn had gotten up off the floor and was standing next to his desk listening to what he was saying. "Hold on a second, Dawns here with me and I'm going to put you on the speaker phone so she can hear what your saying." Giles pushed a button on the phone and set the receiver back in the cradle.

"Are you there?" Willows voice said from the speaker in a slightly distorted and tinny way. "Can you hear me?"

"We can hear you" Giles said in a louder voice as if he were talking to a slightly deaf person. "Please tell us what you know."

"Giles, I don't really know a lot" Willow told him. "Spikes not very talkative about what happened or why he never contacted us. I did find out that Illyria sort of half saved his life and then abandoned him to go save Angle. When I first told him that Angel was still alive he seemed happy about it at first and then angry. When I told him that Illyria had saved him, he really got angry and wouldn't talk anymore. I think he thinks Illyria and maybe Angel abandoned him. You know how there's always been a rivalry between Spike and Angle and hearing that she chose to save Angel instead of him must have really hurt. He thought that they both died in the fighting and that's why they never came back for him."

"But why didn't he contact us?" Dawn interjected "Angel did, as soon as he was able."

"I don't know Dawn" Willow said, "but I think at first he was too badly injured and he thought the Senior Partners might be looking for him."

"Why couldn't we locate him when we did look for him Willow?" Giles asked, "We had the whole Coven and fifty slayers looking for him for a month." 

"I don't know Giles. All I know is that he's got some kind of magic spell or something protecting him now. When I found him last night it was only because he let me. He led us into a trap and I'm pretty sure that if he hadn't recognized me he would have killed all of us. I think, but I'm not sure, he thought we were from the Senior Partners. Apparently things have been getting pretty bad in L.A. for the past several years."

"Willow, how does he look" Dawn asked quickly before Giles could say anything else. Giles looked over at Dawn as if to ask why she had asked such a silly question.

"Dawn, he looks the same, just like he did back in Sunnydale. Same eyes, same way of looking at you with that head tilty thing he does, same way of talking, everything's the same, mostly. He doesn't have the leather duster anymore, or at least I didn't see it. But he's wearing a black leather motorcycle outfit and boots and something else Giles" Willow told them. "He has mystical symbols all over the suit and he's wearing a big silver cross on a chain around his neck."

"My Lord, how in the world can he be doing that" Giles said in total surprise. "A cross should be burning him every time he touches it?"

"I know Giles, but he had it on the whole time we were with him, even when he was sleeping."

"It must be part of his protection" Giles said with wonder in his voice. "I don't know how he can do it though. I've never heard of anything like it before."

"And Giles" Willow said in a much more strained tone of voice. "There's some other things you need to know. First, he's living with about forty of fifty street kids and he's their leader. Boys and girls, all ages. The youngest looks about five or six and the oldest are in their early to mid twenties. He has them organized and they 'fight' vampires."

When Willow didn't continue speaking the sense of dread that Giles had been feeling earlier resurfaced. "What else Willow? What else do I need to know?"

" Giles" Willow was almost whispering now, as if she were afraid of saying something to loudly. "There's this little girl, with blonde hair, she looks about six or seven years old. He calls her Joy."

The name didn't mean anything special to Giles and wondered why Willow had mentioned it at all.. He realized then that he had been thinking about the girls name for several seconds and Willow had stopped talking again. "What else Willow, what did you leave out" Giles asked quietly as apprehension seized him.

"Spike say's that she's his daughter" Willow whispered just barely loud enough for them to hear her.

Giles had been standing the whole time during the conversation, having not even thought of sitting down. With Willows pronouncement his knees buckled and he fell back into his chair. Dawn, who had been standing also, sank down to her knees and rested her head on the desk near the phone. For long, long seconds, no one said anything. When Dawn raised her head from the desk and looked at Giles she had tears running down her face.

It took effort, but Giles cleared his throat and said shakily "How is that possible?"

Willow was still speaking in an almost whisper when she replied, "I don't know Giles. But Angel has a son, and that was suppose to be impossible too."

"Is there a mother" Dawn asked quietly, like Willow, not wanting to say it to loudly.

"Of course there's a mother" Willow responded not understanding what Dawn was really asking at first. When she did realize she said "But not alive, or un-dead, or anything. At least I don't think so. There's just the two of them living in Spikes room. And Giles, she's human. I mean she isn't un-dead or anything. She's just as human as Connor. You know what I mean?"

"Does she have special powers like Connor" Dawn asked, again very quietly.

"I think so Dawnie" Willow responded using the old term of endearment from when Dawn was a child. "I saw her run toward Spike and jump through the air twelve or more feet into his arms. And Dawn, she doesn't talk. They seem to communicate with each other through bird coos, like doves or something."

"Oh God" was all Dawn could say.

"Dawn he loves her. He really does. I was using some magic to entertain the smaller children and I did something that made her happy. It made Spike so happy to see her happy that he, he cried."

"Oh God. Oh God. Buffy." Dawn moaned.

"Willow, when are you going to see him again" Giles asked suddenly, his voice stronger and more determined than earlier.

"I don't know Giles. I guess I could go back to his place, but I don't know if he will talk to me or tell me more than he's already told me. I mean it Giles, he's different than he use to be. He can't be bullied or intimidated. He doesn't have a chip anymore, you know that. He's not helpless against humans now and he doesn't have that connection with Buffy to keep him from harming us. He really doesn't seem to like us or trust us. If I try to force him or use coercion he will turn against us even more."

"What about friendly coercion?" Giles asked, seeking a way to get to Spike. "He always was open to a little bribery. If we do something nice for him do you think it would help. You said he's with a group of street kids, is there anything they need that we could provide?"

"Giles, honestly I don't know if it's possible to bribe Spike anymore" Willow responded seriously. "But Spike and those kids are living on the edge of things. Anything we do for them or give them could only be of help. But like I said, I don't know if it will make a difference."

"Willow, I need you to try" Giles told her. "Use the Gold Cards to buy whatever you think they need. If you can't use the cards to buy it, go to a bank and draw cash against them. I need more information before I go to Buffy. If I tell her what you've told me so far I don't know if she will jump on a plane or jump out of one. I have to have more information and I need it soon. I can't keep this from Buffy much longer, she'll never forgive me."

"I'm coming out" Dawn said suddenly with determination in her voice. "Spike will talk to me. I can make him talk to me."

"Are you sure about this Dawn" Willow asked. "What are you going to say to Buffy?"

"I'll tell her Giles wants me to go to Rome for him again. I've done it a dozen times or more, she won't think anything about it. I'm going to catch a plane in the morning and tell her I'll be back in a couple of days. Giles is going to have to tell her by then, one way or the other, so it won't make any difference by then. There's a non-stop international that leaves at 6:00 in the morning. I know, I already checked, just in case. I'll call from the plane before we land and you can send Sara or Vi to pick me up. And Willow, don't tell Spike I'm coming. If it's a surprise it will be more effective."

"Giles" Willow said from the phone "are you good with this?"

Giles looked at Dawn and could see that he wasn't going to stop her from going, and right now he didn't want too. "Yes Willow, I think it's a good idea, and remember, no limit on what you have to spend. Just get me more information before this whole thing blows up in our faces."

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	6. Reunions 6

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Reunions / Part 6

When Willow hung up the phone, Giles pressed the button to deactivate the speaker phone. He then looked a Dawn and said seriously "Are you sure about this? When I finally tell Buffy, hell is going to break loose. When she finds out that you and Willow both knew before her and that your both already in Los Angeles, some of that hell is going to come your way."

"I'm sure. I'm going. Spike will talk to me, I know he will" Dawn said in her most convincing tone of voice as she started walking toward the door.

"Well, if your sure" Giles said with a slight tone of humor in his voice. "But I think you should put your cloths back on first. Before you go home anyway."

Dawn looked down at herself, barefoot and in nothing but bra and panties and started to giggle. Dawn seldom 'giggled' anymore, but sometimes she did and she sounded just like she did when she was fourteen in Sunnydale. "Your probably right" she replied "and that goes for you too."

Giles grinned at his own half naked state and while Dawn was slipping on her pants he pulled his own up. It didn't take long and they were both fully dressed again. The decision was made that Giles would drive Dawn home so she could get packed. She would drive her own car to the airport in the morning and leave it there. Giles would go home and get some sleep. There wasn't any use in him staying at the office any longer, Willow couldn't possibly call again before the next day and he freely admitted that he was exhausted. Before leaving his office Dawn called the airport and booked her flight and paid for it with her Gold Card number.

When Willow entered the living room all the girls were sitting together talking quietly. They stopped as soon as she came into the room. Willow smiled at them rather sheepishly. "Look, you all know what the big secret is now, Spikes alive. What you don't know is that we haven't figured out how to tell Buffy that he's alive. Or why he's never called her, or a hundred other why's. I'm asking all of you to keep this knowledge a secret for a little while longer. It really wouldn't be a good idea for Buffy to find out about Spike, from anyone, before we get some of those why's answered."

"No problem Will" Vi said for the group. "We've been talking about it ourselves and we already decided between us not to tell anyone else until you say it's okay."

"Thank guys" Willow told them sincerely. "Now I've got a new job for all of you. Were going to make a list and then go out and do something that women have always done best. Go shopping and spend lots of money."

Nine hours later all of the girls were gathered back in the living room. Sara had been sent out on her own to buy a used, but still good van. She had gone to a half dozen car lots before she found one that was good enough. Because of the Gold Cards she had the van parked in the back parking lot and the 'pink slip' in her pocket. The other girls and Willow had gone off in four different directions. Each with a long list of things to buy. Some of the things they were able to bring back with them, others needed to be picked up before the stores closed for the day. When they went through their lists again they found that they had been able to find and purchase most of the things they had wanted. Sara left with Ruth and Vi with Nicky using the rental car and the van to pick up the purchases that were still at the stores. Willow made some calls while they were gone and arranged for a few other things that they would pick up later in the evening just before going to Spike's warehouse.

At 10:30 they started carrying those things that they had bought and brought back to their rooms down to the van and the car. The car was filled to maximum capacity and the van was almost just as full. Willow got in the car with Vi, Ruth and Nicky got into the van with Sara. Vi led the way to where Willow instructed and they pulled up at a pizza place at 11:15. Twenty hot fresh pizza's and three cases of cold soda were waiting for them at the backdoor and they loaded them all into the van. Willow paid the owner of the pizza place and gave him a nice tip. She told him that if things worked out for her and her friends they might be doing a lot of business with him in the future.

From the pizza place to Spikes warehouse was only a five minute drive. Sara was the expert and kept her eyes open to make sure that they were not being followed by anyone.

Willow used a seeker spell to detect if any vampires or demons were in the area. When Sara turned down the alley she shut her head lights off and drove to the warehouse without them. Vi just followed behind her as close as she could do safely. When Sara got to the warehouse, which was completely dark and looked abandoned. Sara tapped her brake to warn Vi and turned into the truck bay and kept on driving on into the warehouse. Once she was well inside the warehouse she turned on her parking lights which gave her just enough light to drive through the warehouse without running into a wall. Vi stayed right behind her all the way. When they got as close as Sara could drive to the stairs leading down to the passageway to Spikes living area they parked the car and van and shut off the engines. Vi stayed in the car, Sara, Ruth and Nicky stayed in the van. Willow was the only one to get out of either vehicle.

Willow moved around in front of the car and sat down on the floor. She pulled a small packet out of her pocket and within a few seconds had a glowing ball of light sitting in her lap. The light wasn't very bright, but it was enough to show that Willow was unarmed and non-threatening. It was at least five minutes before Willow heard any sounds, but when she did they were all around her, the car and the van. It was a couple more minutes before she heard the hard heels of Spikes boots coming toward her.

When Spike finally got close enough for Willow to see him in the dim light of the glowing ball he stopped. He looked at her sharply and scanned the car and the van also. He stepped a few feet closer and said in a low voice, "Can you make that any brighter?"

Willow nodded her head and the glowing ball floated up into the air from her lap and got brighter. Willow could see immediately that here were at least thirty of the kids, none of the really young ones, surrounding her, the car and the van and they all had weapons in their hands. Three of the closest ones to her had crossbows that were pointed at her.

"What are you doing here Red?" Spike asked in a flat tone of voice. "You trying to lead someone to us?"

"We were careful Spike" Willow responded calmly. "No one followed us, were certain of that much. I was searching the whole area with magic and there isn't a vampire or demon within a mile of here, except for you, and I can't detect you anyway unless you let me."

Spike seemed to relax a little, but asked "Then what are you here for, I didn't invite you back now, did I?"

"No, you didn't. But someone not wanting 'you' around never stopped you from going where you wanted to go. So tonight I'm going to 'Be like Spike'." Willow responded and then grinned at him.

Spike stood there for a moment and then grinned back at her. He walked over and offered her his hand. Willow took his hand and stood up. "Alright pet, you got me on that one, this time. But why are you here?" Spike asked again.

"Well actually, we came for a party. Can the girls get out of the van? Please!" Willow asked politely.

Spike studied her for a few moments, grinned again and nodded at two of the boys closest to him. The boys lowered their weapons and Willow could see that the others that were surrounding them were lowering their weapons also. Willow waved her hand at Sara and the side door of the van slid open. As soon as it opened the smell of still warm pizza started spreading through the area. She saw several of the younger teenagers looking at each other and move a few feet closer to the van before they stopped themselves.

Spike grinned at Willow again and asked casually "You trying to bribe my army pet? It'll take more than a couple pizza's."

"How about twenty pizza's, five different kinds and three cases of cold soda, three different kinds" Willow said impudently with a big smile on her face.

Spike smiled back at her and said loud enough for the kids to hear him "Yeah, I think they can be bought for that much, this time."

As soon as he said this Vi got out of the car and opened one of the backdoors and then opened the trunk. Sara started waving some of the boys over to her and handing them cases of soda. Ruth started handing others stacks of pizza. Nicky got out of the van and opened the backdoors on it.

"There are some other things in the car and van they can have too, if it's okay with you." Willow told him. "In fact everything but the girls personal weapons and the car, it's a rental, is yours if you want it."

As Willow finished saying this Sara walked up to Spike. "The tanks full and the engine is good, the tires are new and the title is in here" Sara said as she held out the envelope and the keys. "The license plates are ordered and I can bring them to you next week or you can send someone to get them yourself. The van is registered to 'Willow Tree Deliveries' at a legal address, same as the plates. All you need is someone who can drive it."

Spike looked at Sara and then at Willow and then over at the van. He hesitated for several long moment and then accepted the keys and envelope from Sara. He turned immediately to one of the older boys and tossed him the keys. "The vans ours, everything but the weapons. Everything but the weapons in the car is ours too. Get it all unloaded fast and hide the van where it'll be safe." The boy signaled to a half dozen other boys and they all started pulling things out of the car and stuffing them into the van. When the car was empty the boys ran off into the dark and the boy Spike had given the keys to drove it away into the dark without turning on it's lights.

All of the girls had their personal weapons in their hands and Vi was holding Willows 'magic bag'. Spike walked over to Vi and getting right down in her face he morphed into vampire mode. Vi let a small "eep" escape and closed her eyes. Spike let himself morph back to human form and laughed. He then wrapped one arm around Vi's shoulder and said "I've really missed you, love. I haven't had a Slayer for dinner in years." When Vi "eeped" again, Spike started laughing and led her away toward the back of the warehouse. Willow, Sara, Ruth and Nicky followed behind him.

By the time they got to the big room where Spike and the kids lived, all but the older kids were already sitting around the stacks of pizza's eating. Everyone had a soda and everyone was smiling and seemed happy. Willow wondered why the older kids weren't eating too. When the boy who had driven the van away and the boys who went with him came through the door carrying bags and boxes of things, two of the older boys slid the big steel door shut and barred it locked. Willow saw then that the other boys relaxed and started walking over to the boxes of pizza and soda to get their share. She then understood that the older boys were like soldiers, until the door was locked and they were all safe, they had to remain on guard duty. It also reminded Willow of who and what these young boys and girls were guarding against, vampires, demons and other assorted things in the night.

Minor revisons 12/04

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	7. Reunions 7

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Reunions / Part 7

With everyone inside safely and the door locked, all of the kids were more relaxed and were talking to each other in various degrees of animation. Spike, who was standing next to Willow with his arm still wrapped around Vi's shoulder, let out a deep sigh of relief and Willow could see by the way his shoulders relaxed that some of the tension eased away. Willow walked up to him and unzipping her magic bag, reached inside and withdrew a bottle of brandy, then held it out to Spike so that he could read the label.

"Bloody Hell" Spike said as he released his hold on Vi's shoulder and reached out tentatively for the bottle. He stared at Willow with a look of awe.

Willow was very pleased with his reaction and said to him with a big grin on her face "Unless you've changed even more that I can believe is possible, I kind of figured you might like that a little better than the soda pop we brought for the kids."

"Bloody Hell" was all Spike could say as he held the bottle in his hands reading the label, studying it to make sure it was what he thought it was.

While Spike was preoccupied with the bottle of brandy, Vi backed away from standing next to him and joined the other three slayers. Willow gave a slight nod of her head to Vi and the four girls set their weapons down near a wall and went to join the kids gathered around the stacks of pizza and cases of soda. After helping themselves they sat down on the floor with the kids and started talking to them. They didn't ask any questions, they just joined in on the conversation about which kind of pizza each person thought was the best.

Willow looked around the area, checking things out and noticed the little blonde girl standing about ten feet away. She was holding a small plate in both of her hands with a piece of pizza on it and a bottle of soda was sitting on the floor next to her. Neither one had been touched, she was staring at Spike as if waiting for something.

Willow walked over and squatting down in front of her gave Joy her biggest most friendly smile. "Aren't you hungry, Sweetie? It's really good!" Willow said quietly.

The girl looked down at the pizza on her plate and Willow saw her little tongue peek out from between her lips as she licked them in anticipation, but then she looked up at Spike as if waiting for him to tell her it was okay. Willow decided to take the situation into her own hands and picking up the soda bottle with one hand as she scooped up the little girl with her other arm, being careful not to make her drop her plate, and carried her over to the big cushion that Spike had sat on the night before by one of the walls. She then urged the little girl to sit down and start eating. The girl sat down on the cushion with the plate in her lap, but still looked over to Spike instead of eating.

Spike, coming back to this world after studying the brandy bottle, glanced around quickly. When he saw the girl sitting with Willow, but looking over at him instead of eating, a look of chagrin spread across his face. He immediately walked over to her and kneeling down in front of her said "I'm sorry Luv. I didn't mean to get distracted."

Joy smiled at him and stood up and stepped a little to one side. Spike set the bottle of brandy down next to the cushion and then sat down on it and leaned back against the wall. Joy moved in front of him and Spike helped her to sit in his lap. Once she was safely in his lap she immediately started eating her piece of pizza. Spike, with his arms wrapped around her and his head bent next to hers, started whispering in one of her ears and making little coo sounds between kisses to her ear and cheek. Joy sat there leaning back into Spikes embrace and between bites of pizza made little cooing sounds of her own. At one point Spike reached out and picked up the bottle of soda and offered a sip of it to her. When the pizza was almost gone, with his head still bent next to hers, he looked up at Willow. Willow took the hint and jumping up ran over to the stacks of pizza boxes. Most of the pizza was gone by now but there was still some left so she grabbed up a big slice of cheese pizza and carried it back over to Spike and Joy. When Willow offered the pizza to the little girl she leaned to the side a little and turned her head to stare up at Spike. When he nodded his head and then kissed her on the nose, a smile spread across her face and she held out her plate for Willow to put the pizza on it.

A sense of sadness and joy washed across Willow in waves as she watched Spike and the girl together. Seeing the love between them filled her with joy and at the same time sadness. Joy because it was so very obvious that the two of them loved each other deeply and sadness because Buffy wasn't here to share this moment with them. No one but Willow, Dawn and Giles, knew how terribly hard the past seven years had been for Buffy. No one else knew how hard the three of them had to fight to keep Buffy alive in this world.

When the pizza was finished, Joy laid back in Spikes arms and went to sleep. Spike sat there holding her until he was sure she was sleeping deeply, then with an ease of fluid motion he stood up with her in his arms and carried her to the little room they shared. In a few moments he had tucked her into bed, kissed her good night, and come back out into the larger room. Willow had sat with them the entire time and had never said a word or imposed herself into their interaction with each other. She saw Spike standing at the doorway to his little room glancing over at her and saw him take a deep breath, then start walking toward her.

As Spike walked toward her Willow saw him pull a pack of cigarettes out of his pants pocket and light one up. She realized then that it was the first cigarette she had seen Spike smoke in the past two nights. When he got over to her he flopped down on the cushion, reached out and picked up the bottle of brandy and twisted the cap off. He then sat back with his legs drawn up and spread, he took a pull off the bottle and then a deep drag off the cigarette, and with the cigarette in one hand and the bottle in the other, his forearms resting on his knees, he stared at Willow as he exhaled slowly.

By this time all of the pizza was eaten and most of the kids had gone to their beds. Some of the older ones were sitting off in a corner with the four slayers talking quietly. All but a few of the candles had been put out and the dimness of the lighting made it hard to see. Except for Spike. With his enhanced vampire sight he could see clearly into every corner of the room and if he concentrated he could hear every whisper being spoken. He took another long drag off his cigarette and as he let the smoke out slowly he stared at Willow intensely.

Finally he spoke, quietly, "Alright pet, what's it all about? Why are you here?"

"Were here for you Spike" Willow said with the intensity of her emotions bleeding through to her voice. "We thought you were dead!"

A lopsided grin spread across his lips as he took another short pull off the bottle of brandy. "I am, always was."

"Oh Goddess Spike" Willow said as a tear ran down her cheek. "We searched for you, honestly we did. We had fifty slayers and the whole Coven looking for you. Buffy tore the city apart looking for you."

At the mention of Buffy's name Spike seemed to tense up again and took another drag off his cigarette. He took another small sip of the brandy and then finding the cap resealed the bottle and set it down on the floor to one side.

"Don't want to use it all up at one time" he said, indicating the brandy with a glance directed toward the bottle. "Haven't had a sip of that kind of heaven for a long time."

"I, I remembered that you use to like Giles brandy, back in Sunnydale. So I bought the best one the store had to sell" Willow said quietly. She realized that Spike had taken the conversation away from the search for him, and Buffy. She felt she had better just let the conversation go wherever and see what happened.

"Ol Rupert never had anything as fine as this" Spike said as he reached out and lightly touched the bottle. "To cheap for the really good stuff. That little beauty must 'a cost a pretty?"

"Oh, I don't know? Was $200 to much?" Willow asked with all sincerity "I don't drink so I don't know what brandy cost. I thought it was all expensive like that. Giles use to say it was his most expensive vise and the one he couldn't live without."

A smile broke out on Spikes lips and he chuckled. "Yeah, I can hear him say'n that. If you ever want to see something funny buy him a bottle of this" Spike indicated the bottle of brandy. "He'll either have a heart attack from rapture or kiss your feet in gratitude."

"No, no heart attacks" Willow said quickly, but with a grin "But kissing feet, not so bad."

For the next two hours they talked. Spike was reluctant at first and avoided any conversation that involved or could lead to talk about Buffy. He told her a little about the final battle and the injuries he'd suffered that put him out of the fight. In a way that was casual and terrible at the same time he described the fight. How Wesley had been killed earlier and Charlie had joined them just before the fight, half gutted and already dying. Charlie had taken a few demons out before one of them got him though, that's what was important, he went down fighting. The rest of the fight had been Angel, Spike and Illyria against what seemed like a whole army of demons.

He told her they had held up real well against the first and second waves. He told how Illyria had actually led the way while Angle and he had guarded her flanks. He marveled at the way she had just stepped into the charging demons and without any weapons punched her fists through their bodies and ripped them apart with her bare hands, no matter how many wounds she took. He described how Angel had moved off to one side of the fight to try to kill a dragon while he and Illyria had beat back wave after wave of demon warriors. He told her that he had suffered a number of stabs and slashes, nothing to serious, until one demon with a broad sword got through his guard and nearly chopped his left arm off. He'd killed the demon, but the injury was serious and hampered his ability to fight.

He told her how the demons fell back and sent two demon giants to the front against him and Illyria. How in the fighting they got separated and couldn't protect each other. How one of the giants had used a shield to smash Spike against a wall, crushing his chest and breaking his back. How he laid there waiting for the giant to finish him off and told her how Illyria had used a manhole cover like a discus and had thrown it with such force that it cut the giants head off. How she had finally picked up a broad sword and had killed the other giant and a dozen other demons before she fell back to see if he was still alive.

He got quiet then, while he got out his cigarettes and lit one up. He picked up the bottle of brandy and taking the cap off took a big sip, then capped and set it back down. When he started talking again his voice was cold and distant. He described how Illyria had dragged him by his coat over to the sewer where she had pulled up the manhole cover and had dumped him through the hole into the sewage water below. How that was the last he knew of the battle. How later, he didn't know how much, he woke up to find a young man, Tyron, who turned out to be a friend of Charlie's and knew who and what Spike was, dragging him through the sewers and eventually to safety.

Spike stopped talking and sat there for a couple of minutes staring off into space. He then got to his feet quickly, bent over picking up the brandy. He looked at Willow for a few moments and said, "Get some sleep pet, it's past my bedtime." Obviously understanding the incongruity of that statement he continued. "Joy gets a little restless this time of morning. She sleeps better if I'm with her." Spike shrugged his shoulders and walked to his room and to Joy.

Willow sat there for a long time thinking about Spike and the girl and all the other still unanswered questions she still needed the answers to. 

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	8. Reunions 8

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Reunions / Part 8

When early morning came and the older kids started moving around, Willow got together with the slayers. Vi had gotten an accurate count of the number of kids that were living in the warehouse with Spike. There were fourteen that were ten and under, nine were nineteen and over and eighteen were in between, of various ages. Everyone older than ten was expected to help with the guarding and the fighting when necessary. The younger boys and girls, between eleven and fourteen were mainly used as lookouts and runners, most of the time.

Sara had found out that the number of kids in the warehouse varied a lot from time to time. Sometimes due to casualties, most of the time due to Spike finding safe places for some of the kids to go live. Right now they had more kids with them than was usual. One of the older girls had told Sara that Spike was working on a deal to get some of the younger kids adopted and moved to other states. That's when it hit Willow that all of these kids were orphans. Orphans that Spike had brought in from the streets. Orphans that Spike was trying to protect.

Willow knew they were going to have to leave soon, the sun would be up in an hour or so. But she wanted to talk to Spike first. She wanted to tell him she was coming back again tonight. While the slayers were gathering up their weapons she walked over to Spikes little room. She hesitated for a few moments, then drew back the blanket that acted as a door and stuck her head inside. Spike was laying in his bed with the girl snuggled up against him with one arm wrapped around her in a protective manner. Willow was just about to make a noise when Spikes eyes snapped open and stared at her. Willow backed out of the doorway and let the blanket drop. A minute later Spike came out of the little room and led her away from the doorway.

When they were away from the little room, Spike turned to her and with a frown on his face and said "You didn't have to say good-by. The kids would have seen you out!"

At first Willow was hurt by Spikes coldness, she had thought that after their talking last night he had been a little warmer feeling toward her. Then it came to her that he was probably upset with himself 'for' talking to her and was trying to put distance between them again. Willow wasn't going to let that happened and smiled at him with her biggest most friendly smile. "I just wanted you to know that we'll be coming back again tonight."

Spike continued to frown and said to her "I'm not so sure that's a good idea. Three nights in a row is just asking to be followed. We can't afford that kind of security breach."

Willow looked at Spike closely. She believed that part of what he was saying was just an excuse to keep her away, but at the same time she could see that there was a real concern. The only way Spike and his kids could stay safe was by keeping their location secret. Willow looked at Spike and said in a serious tone of voice that grabbed his attention. "Spike, the last thing I want to do is put you or any of these kids in danger. But I'm coming back. I assure you one hundred percent that I won't endanger you or these kids. I will use every bit of my powers to make sure there isn't anyone or anything within a mile of this place that can do you any harm before I come here. If I can't, I won't come, that's a promise. And besides, we have more things for the kids that we didn't bring last night."

Spike stood there studying her for a long time, turning over in his mind his reluctance to have to see her again and relive old pains and her obvious attempt to bribe him with a promise of more things for his kids. The needs of the kids won out, "What kind of things" he asked, as he bent his head forward, tilted it a little to one side and stared up at her from under his brows?

Willow, having no idea how to answer that question because she really didn't have anything else to bring to the kids, 'yet', smiled at him and answered "It's a surprise!"

Spike knew immediately that Willow wasn't telling the truth, that she didn't have anything more for the kids, 'yet'. But he decided to let it pass. He knew she would bring something and that the kids could use anything she brought. They had so little, and they needed so much, and never a one complained about it. He couldn't stand the idea of depriving them of even a little spot of something to make their lives a little better, happier. Spike looked off to one side, not wanting to confront Willow with her 'little white lie'. Instead he asked, "Just how 'good' are these 'powers' of yours anyway?"

Willow smiled at him, puffed up with pride. "I saved a country once" she said proudly. When Spike turned back to her with his brows bunched together in a look of confusion and doubt at her words, she sighed and said "Well, a little one, anyway."

Spikes lips slipped unconsciously into a grin of amusement and replied "You'll have to tell me about that sometime." He then turned and walked over to the big steel door, unlocked it and slid it to one side. Willow took that as her signal to leave and gathering up her slayers followed Spike, and the half dozen boys and girls that followed him, back to the warehouse and her car.

As soon as they were away from the warehouse safely, Willow started talking. "Were going to be doing more shopping today. You guys got a better look around the place last night than I did, start thinking about things you think Spike and the kids can use. I've got some ideas myself. When we get back to the hotel will write up a list. Sara, I want you to take the car back to the rental place when it opens and get something bigger. One of those SUV thingies with lots of room."

Sara was driving the car and laughed, glancing over at Willow she said "SUV thingies?"

Willow blushed, both at her lack of knowledge about cars and at her use of a 'Buffyism'. But all of the Slayers did it. It had become a game over the years, dropping a 'Buffy Bomb' into the middle of a conversation. It was the 'inside joke' that everyone wanted to play. It was one of the glues that held them all together. Willow turned in the seat and looked at the girls in back and said "Yeah, well, you know what I meant." They all burst into laughter as Willow blushed again. They were a tight team and moments like this just drew them closer together.

When they got back to the hotel Willow went to the front desk in the lobby to see if there were any messages. There was only one, from Robin asking her to call him. As soon as she got to their rooms she used her cell phone and called him. It was after 6 AM her time, so Robin should be at the school instead of at home. Robin and Faith ran a Martial Arts School in Cleveland, which was a great cover for having a couple dozen girls hanging around all the time practicing their fighting skills. It had also turned out to be a real money maker over the years. Not everyone they trained was a slayer. They had classes for boys and girls, men and women, and believe it or not, Faith taught classes to some of the local police officers. She loved kicking their asses all over the place and getting paid to do it.

Robin answered the phone on the second ring, "Willow Tree Dojo, may we help you?"

That was another thing that had happened over the years, starting up businesses to act as covers for the slayers and making 'Willow Tree' part of the name. There were six dojo, three private schools for girls, a dozen or more small delivery companies, a legitimate orphanage that Xander had opened in Africa, a bakery in London and a 'Willow Tree -American Style Cooking' restaurant in Rome, plus other places that she couldn't even remember. When they first started setting up these businesses as covers for the slayers Dawn had wanted to open a Pub in London and call it 'William the Bloody', but Buffy had vetoed that idea real fast. She had claimed her reason was that a Pub wasn't a place that a bunch of young girls could hang out in without problems. But Willow knew the real reason.

Realizing she had wandered off mentally Willow gasped into the phone "Oh, oh, sorry Robin, I kind of spaced out there for a moment."

Robin Woods chuckled into the phone in his rich deep voice "It's okay Will, glad you called back. You been getting any sleep lately? You sound tired."

"Yeah, kind'a tired, just little naps now an then, been kind'a busy the past few days" Willow said as an involuntary yawn stretched her mouth and distorted some of the words. Willow blushed at the phone "Goddess, I'm sorry Robin. I must be tireder than I thought."

"It's okay Will" Robin said as he chuckled into the phone again. "Just wanted you to know that some relief is on the way. Giles called in the middle of the night and asked me to send out some of the girls to help you out. He suggested that 'we' need to reestablish a presence in L.A. again. Does that mean what I think it does?"

Willow hesitated for a few moments, then replied "It's him Robin, he still has his soul."

After a few long moments Robin said quietly "It's okay Will. I got over my hate for Spike a long time ago. Sure, I thought he was dead, but I'm still over it. Can you tell me anything? Like where he's been for the past seven years?"

"Right here in L.A. Robin, fighting vampires and rescuing orphan's off the street"

"Damn, if we'd only known. We shouldn't have pulled out of that town in the first place. If we'd stayed we would have found him years ago."

"You know why we left" Willow said quietly.

"Yeah, I know. Buffy hates that city so much she wants the whole place to burn in hell" Robin responded just as quietly.

"Yeah" Willow sighed into the phone. "An apparently Spike's been beating out the fires all by himself because of it."

"It's not your fault Will" Robin said into the phone soothingly. "It wasn't your decision. Buffy was the one who wrote L.A. off, and Giles backed her on it."

Willow became immediately defensive, "You know why he did it, and I didn't say anything either, none of us did."

"I know Will" Robin said, again in his most soothing tone of voice. "I'm not blaming Buffy or Giles or you or anyone. I didn't say anything either. It's just that …. seven years, we shouldn't have stayed away so long."

"Yeah. … I know" Willow said in a forlorn voice. "But we did and we can't change the past. But maybe we can change the future." Willow started crying and couldn't stop herself. It took her a couple of minutes to get herself back under control. Robin stayed on the phone quietly, waiting for her. "Robin, you should see him. He's bitter and angry at the Council and the Slayers, he doesn't know why he's been fighting alone. When I told him that Angel is still alive, I think I hurt him even more. Los Angeles was Angel's city, to protect, and he never came back."

"Damn, damn, damn" Robin whispered into the phone. "You couldn't tell him, could you?" Robin asked quietly.

"What, that Angel's been in a wheelchair for the past seven years? No, I couldn't."

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	9. Reunions 9

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Reunions / Part 9

When Willow got off the phone with Robin she called Giles. She told him everything, everything she had learned and everything she was guessing at too. Told him what she'd done and what she planned to do. She told him about her conversation with Robin. She also told him what she didn't know. Willow was crying again before she was half-way finished. She told him some more about the little girl and how much Spike loved her. She also told him that apparently all of the kids with Spike were orphans.

But that didn't explain the girls 'special abilities'. She couldn't be a slayer though, all of the ones they'd found, all around the world, had been born before Willow had worked the 'Awakening' spell with the Guardians Scythe, and none had been born after that date. The girl, no, Joy, just wasn't old enough, and she didn't give off any slayer vibes either.

Giles had told her to keep trying to gather information. He could only give her one, two days at the most, before he had to tell Buffy that Spike was alive.

When Willow finished talking to Giles, she washed her face to take some of the puffiness out of her eyes and joined the girls in the living room. They had all been working on their lists, scratching out duplicates and adding other things as they thought of them. When they saw that Willow had been crying they stopped and waited for her to speak.

When Willow saw their concern she smiled at them the best she could in her current state. "Sorry guy's. I've become all 'emotional girl' from lack of sleep lately. Nothings wrong, honest." All of the slayers let out sighs of relief.

"I really hate to do this, I know you guy's are just as tired as I am, but we have to push on a little longer. What I'd like for us to do is go out and get all the stuff on our lists this morning or by early afternoon anyway. Then all of us come back here, eat, and get some rest before we go out again tonight. But first, Sara, remember when I asked you to trade the car in for an SUV? Forget it, I want you to get four of them." All of the girls looked at her as if she had grown another head.

Willow smiled a real smile at their reaction. "No, I'm not crazy, honest. Giles has told Robin to send out some more girls in the next day or two. I don't know how many that will be, but probably eight or more. Whatever the number, we'll need more cars so we might as well get them now. If we find out we don't need them all we can take one or two back later. But if you all go with Sara, you can each leave from the rental place with your 'SUV thingy' and have plenty of room for what your going to buy today." Willow smiled again at her own reference to the SUV joke and the girls returned her smile. "I'll stay here and make some phone calls. One of you can come back and pick me up later."

Just as she finished with her last statement her cell phone rang. When she answered, it was Dawn on the other end. She told Willow her plane should be landing in about an hour and to send someone to get her. Willow told her she would and hung up.

"Change of plans, already" she told them. "Vi, you drop the girls off at the rental place and go pick up Dawn at the airport, she should be landing by the time you get there. Then go back to the rental place and swap the car for an SUV, that Sara will have already arranged for, then bring Dawn back here. She may want to crash out due to jet lag, I don't know, but the two of us can go out and do our shopping together."

Vi dropped the girls off and went to the airport and parked in one hour parking. Dawns flight was still up in the air when she got there so she went to the boarding gate to wait for her. By the time the plane landed and they got Dawn through security and picked up her luggage it was already ten minutes past the one hour limit so Vi had to pay for the extra hour, even though the plane landing late wasn't their fault. When they got to the car rental place all the other girls were long gone and a shiny new black SUV was sitting out front waiting for them. But, of course, the guy from the Service Dept. had to come out and check the car out to make sure there wasn't any damage to the car, which took another half hour.

By the time they got to the hotel Dawn was cranky as hell with jet lag, she couldn't sleep on an airplane, and wanted a shower, food and sleep, in that order. When she got to the room she gave Willow a hug and a kiss, asked her to have room service send up something to eat, and headed toward Willows room to take a shower. Willow made the call, then headed out with Vi to do their shopping.

Six hours later, a little past 4PM, Willow and Vi returned, both of them dragging their tails behind them. All of the other girls had returned already and were in their rooms sleeping the sleep of the dead. Vi headed for her room immediately and Willow went to hers. When she got there, Dawn was sleeping in her bed. She quietly took off her cloths and slipped into the bed next to Dawn. Her head barely hit the pillow and she was sound asleep.

Five hours later Vi came into the room and woke Willow up. Told her what time it was, that everyone else was up and dressed and room service would have their dinners up in fifteen or twenty minutes. Willow got out of the bed and went into the bathroom and stood in an ice cold shower to wake herself up, then got dressed. Room service was just bringing the food in on carts so she didn't say anything out loud about the way Dawn was dressed until after they were gone. Once gone, she couldn't hold it in any longer and burst out her surprise. "Dawn, what in the name of all the Gods are you wearing."

Dawn flashed Willow her sexiest leer and replied "It's for Spike! He'll like it!"

Willow didn't argue with her, she definitely knew that she 'liked it', a lot. The thought ran through her mind that this was the true 'real' test for Spike. If his mouth didn't drop down and hit the floor he truly was one of the living dead, at least from the neck up.

At 10:00 they left the hotel suite and went down the back stairs to the parking lot and got into the SUV's. Willow got into one of them with Sara, Dawn got into one with Nicky. They left the parking lot in a caravan, everyone following Sara. Willow told her where to go and they made two stops. The first was a famous restaurant that claimed to make the best half pound double cheese burgers and fries in the world. When they got there the last sandwich was just coming off the grill and being packed into special Styrofoam boxes. Willow paid the owner and gave him a bonus for staying open for them after his normal closing hours.

They then drove to a Baskin-Robins and picked up five two and a half gallon containers of ice cream, fifty bowls and spoons, and a couple of ice cream scoops. Plus ten six packs of soda, that the manager had gone out special to buy and had kept in the ice cream freezer all evening to get them extra cold, and loaded them in one of the SUV's. Willow paid the manager the agreed on exorbitant price, plus a nice bonus for waiting for them after the store had closed for the night. When the last item was loaded Sara led the caravan out and drove in the direction of Spikes warehouse.

They didn't go directly to the warehouse because Willow insisted that they circle at least a half mile out in all directions while she scanned the area for vampires, demons or any other kind of mystical creatures. She poured her full concentration into the scan while they circled. When she was certain that there was nothing within a mile of the warehouse that they had to worry about she told Sara to go. Sara speeded up and led the other SUV's to the warehouse and drove straight inside without slowing down until she was well inside. Then using just her parking lights to see by she drove as close to the stairs that led down to the passage to Spikes secret room as she could get before stopping.

Spike had been expecting them and had most of the kids with him, except the youngest. But seeing four black SUV's had put a scare into him. He had been expecting Willow to show up in the car she had used before and maybe have one other car or van with her to help carry things. Willow jumped out of her car and popped one of her glowing lights into the air to hover over her head.

When Spike was certain that it wasn't a trap he stepped out of the dark and entered the light. Willow walked over to him with the light following over her head, putting him into full light with her. He looked Willow over and looked closely at the two nearest SUV's and could see that it was Vi and the slayer Sara behind the wheels. He couldn't see as well into the SUV's further back because the light from Willows glow ball was overwhelming his eyes. But he figured four girls, four SUV's, everything was probably alright and signaled to his kids who were still staying back in the dark. Within moments about twenty-five of the kids had moved into the light and were peeking through the SUV's windows to see what they were carrying.

Willow gave Spike a big smile and waving one of her hands at the SUV's said loud enough for everyone to hear, "Everything in them is for you and your kids. Plus we've got hot cheese burgers and fries and cold soda and ice cream, enough for everybody. It'll take more than one trip to move everything, so we better hurry before the burgers get cold and the ice cream hot!"

Spike stopped the kids before they could move forward to unload the SUV's. "If you trust us to drive those monsters the kids can take them to a secret freight lift we got working. They can have it all moved and unloaded almost as fast as the rest of us can walk the distance." Spike gave Willow a piercing look to see if she would do it.

Willow didn't even hesitate, she called out loudly "Come on out girls, the kids are going to take care of everything."

Spike heard doors opening on the SUV's and could see some of his older boys getting behind the wheels. The largest part of the kids started running off into the dark and the two closest SUV's engines started up and followed them without turning on their lights. When the other two SUV's started up and moved off into the dark of the warehouse, Spike noticed something for the first time. Willows group had consisted of her and four slayers the times they had been here before. He could tell that there were five girls with Willow now and this concerned him. He was leery of surprises, they usually bit you on the ass.

As he watched the girls farthest back he noticed one in particular. She was taller than the rest. As she moved toward him and the light he could see that she was wearing some kind of costume or something. She had on tight black leather pants, knee high high-heeled boots and a bright red sash tied around her waist with a wooden stake thrust through it. She was also wearing what looked like a black and red silk and satin corset that was only half laced up in front that exposed a lot more than it appeared to cover and a black leather bolero jacket. She had long dark hair that had several red ribbons hanging down in streamers and she was smiling at him as she walked toward him.

Spike was shocked to say the least and his mouth did drop open, which for Willow was definite proof that he was as alive as ninety percent of the other men in this world. The other ten percent of the men in the world would have been dropping their jaws to the floor looking at him, in his tight black leathers, pale white skin and bleached blonde hair.

"Oh" she said with a smirk on her face, "we brought you a surprise." 

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	10. Reunions 10

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Reunions /Part 10

As the woman continued to walk toward Spike he found himself intrigued by her beauty and the outrageously sexy outfit she was wearing. But what drew his attention even more strongly was the way she walked. There was something about that walk, the way she moved with such confidence, that brought back flashes of memories from years before. When it came to him who the woman walked like it shocked him. She moved like the Slayer, the real one, Buffy.

As the woman drew nearer it was obvious she was smiling 'at him' and that she was enjoying the way he was ogling her. When she was about ten feet away and came into the full light of Willows glow ball he got a better look at her face. She was definitely a beautiful woman. As she took a step closer he realized that there was something familiar about her. With each step she took nearer the certainty grew that he had seen her somewhere before, but he couldn't remember when or where.

When Dawn stopped in front of Spike, less than two feet away, she drew back her shoulders and thrust out her chest. Spike eyes were automatically drawn to her breasts which were forced up by the corset and almost seemed in danger of popping out into full view. What she did next took him totally by surprise.

With a quick jab, Dawn punched Spike in the middle of his chest, and said "Perv!"

He was so shocked he couldn't even react.

Willow was just as shocked. What in the world is Dawn doing? flashed through her mind.

Dawn moved quickly again and punched Spike in the chest a second time, as she said "Turd."

The second punch hurt and Spike took a half step back and started to raise his hands to defend himself if the woman tried to hit him again.

But before he could finish taking that step, Dawn lashed out with her foot and kicked him in the shins, as she said "Butthole."

That kick really hurt and out of surprise Spike jumped back reflexively and standing on one leg in a slightly bent over manner he started to rub the leg that had just been kicked. Spikes mind was totally awash in confusion. Who was this silly bint? Why the bloody hell had she hit him and called him those silly names? Spike looked over at Willow for an explanation but immediately saw that she was just as confused as he was.

Suddenly the woman jumped forward and pushed Spike backwards. Because he was off balance he fell to the floor with the woman on top of him with her hands on his shoulders holding him down. Spike morphed into vampire mode and was just about to toss the woman off of him when he heard her say "You should have called." in the hurt voice of an adolescent girl.

As those word echoed through his mind the memory of a young girl flashed to the forefront. A young girl he would have given his un-dead life to protect. Spike froze in place and looked up into the woman's eyes. He could see tears, and hurt, and pain, and it seemed as if his un-beating heart clenched in his chest and stole his breath away.

He lay there, with his hands under her arms, holding her away from him. His face morphed back to normal and a whisper escaped his lips, "Little Bit?"

When a tear fell from one eye and splashed on his cheek, Spike knew. Instead of trying to hold Dawn away he pulled her down against his chest and wrapping his arms around her hugged her tightly. Dawn had let herself go limp and clutching on to Spike held him as tightly as he was holding her. She buried he face in his neck and sobbed with both joy and pain. As her tears rolled down her cheek and splashed against his neck, Spike felt every one of them burn it's way to his heart.

In the few seconds that it had taken all of this to happen, the three boys who had been standing relaxed a few feet off to one side waiting for Spike to lead his friends back to their living area, started to react. They thought Spike was being attacked and rushed forward to defend him raising their crossbows.

Willow, just a half second ahead of them in her reaction made the glow ball still floating over her head flare up brightly and jumped between Spike and Dawn on the floor and the boys rushing toward them waving her hands at them. She shouted out quickly "Hey! No! Stop! Misunderstanding! Every Things Fine!"

The boys came to a halt and looking down at Spike on the floor with his arms wrapped around the beautiful and sexy woman they had all been admiring just a few moments earlier, watched as he ran one hand down the back of her head and through her hair. Suddenly all three of them had big grins on their faces and one of them actually giggled.

Willow was still in near panic and babbled out "See! Friends! Long Time, No See!"

When a second boy started to giggle and all three of them lowered their weapons, Willow took a deep breath of relief. When she looked back to see what Spike and Dawn were doing, she saw Dawn laying across his chest crying and Spike holding her, kissing the side of her face and trying to sooth her. She also saw that Spike had tears in his eyes.

They laid like that for a full minute or more, holding on to each other, not wanting to let go or for this one moment in time to end. But reality was a bitter pill that had been forced down Spikes throat to many times for him to let this moment delude him. Reality wasn't the past, it was the here and now. Reality was Joy. This woman in his arms was a memory of things lost. Spike rolled onto his side to remove the weight of Dawn upon him, released his hold on her and inched himself away. When Dawn continued to try to hold on to him he grasped her wrists and slowly pulled her hands away from him. He then rolled in the opposite direction to put more distance between them and sat up with his back toward her.

Dawn laid on the floor, tears still streaming from her eyes, looking over at Spikes back. She had felt his love for her when he held her tight, felt the bond they had once had years ago, and felt him slip away to some distant place, leaving her behind. She forced herself up into a sitting position and with the backs of her hands wiped away her tears. She had lost him again, for the moment, but she swore to herself she would bring him back again.

With a still tear chocked voice she said "Oh, so Not how I planned this to happen."

Spike looked back over his shoulder, then quickly looked away. He became aware of his boys standing close by, grinning and giggling, and scowled up at them. He quickly got to his feet and moved a few feet further away from Dawn, to put more distance between them, then stopped himself. His head hanging bent, his shoulders drooping, he stood for several long moments with his back to all of them. He then straightened his shoulders, lifted his head, and turned around to face Dawn, Willow, the slayers, and his boys.

"Well Bit, gave me a startle didn't ya" Spike said in a raspy voice. He shook himself and then walking over to Dawn reached down to help her to her feet. "Not much up for surprises though, can be nasty little things when they sneak up on you." Saying this he glanced over at Willow with a frown.

Dawn let him help her to her feet and tried for a moment to hold onto his hand. But Spike gave a little twist and freed himself. Dawn didn't try to reach for him, she was certain he would move away if she did.

Dawn gave a half hearted laugh and said "You know, in my mind I had something else all worked out. Didn't really have that last part planned right, did I?"

The slayers had all gathered close to Willow, not knowing what to do or say in this situation. Willow was feeling as lost as they were. The idea, the plan, the hope, was that seeing Dawn would make Spike happy. What just happened wasn't how they had hoped thing would go. In desperation to try to salvage the situation Willow burst out with "Food time, hungry here!" as she bounced nervously up and down on her toes.

Spike looked over at Willow with a frown, then let it slip into a smirky grin and said to all of them in a cocky loud cheerful voice "Right you are pet, the children will eat it all if we don't hurry. Com'on now, let get moving, Chop, Chop!"

Spike turned away and started walking towards the stairs, his boys right behind him. Willow signaled the girls to follow him and dropped back next to Dawn. She pulled a tissue out of her pocket and handed it to Dawn as they brought up the rear. "That went well, don't you think?" Willow said in a strained but hopeful tone of voice.

Dawn gave a little snort and a half grin toward Willow as she wiped her eyes and blew her nose. "Yeah, that went really well. Couldn't have done it better if I'd actually tried."

Willow gave her a little pat on the arm, then slipped her hand into Dawns, gave it a squeeze and followed the others.

By the time they reached the big room where Spike and the kids all lived, all but a few of the kids that had gone off into the dark were already there. All of the younger ones were already eating cheese burgers with fries and soda. As Willow stood next to Dawn looking around she noticed that Spike had already disappeared from site, but in the next moment she saw him step out of his little room with a bottle of something in one hand. From a distance she watched him rip the seal from the bottle, remove the cap and toss it to one side, then lift the bottle and take a long drink. OH, this wasn't good!

Spike stood over by his room taking drinks from the bottle. When the last boys came through the steel door, closing and locking it behind them, Spike finished the bottle he was drinking from, straightened his shoulders and walked over to Willow and Dawn.

"Well love, been awhile" Spike said with forced bravado, "Look at you, all grow'd up an all. Didn't recognize you there, could a hurt you ya know?"

Dawn had herself under control and was back to her normal self. She looked at Spike and walking around him checked him over from head to toe and smiled at him. "Like the outfit, miss the coat. Every time I dream about you, your wearing your coat, you seem kind of naked without it."

Spike was startled by what Dawn had just said. Dreamed about him? To cover up he started looking her over very carefully, making appreciative little noises as he circled around her. When he was back in front of her he paid especial attention to the way her breasts were near bursting out of her corset, thinking to embarrass her and get the upper hand.

But Dawn didn't embarrass easily anymore. She spread her arms wide and thrusting out her chest again she gave him her sexiest smile. "You like it? I wore it special for you. Do you remember?" she asked hopefully.

Taken aback by her behavior and her words, a puzzled look crossed his face. Dawn, seeing the confusion, replaced the smile with a false pout as she looked at him. "You have to remember" she said "don't you? We watched a pirate movie together and the leading lady was dressed like this, and I told you that I would dress up like this for you someday, and you said that if I did you'd carry me off to the high seas and we'd be pirates together."

The memories came back to Spike, watching TV with a young girl who had lost her mother and then her sister, he'd made a promise to watch over her, to protect her. Spending time with her, learning to love her deeply. Ten years ago, a thousand memories of love and hurt and pain and sorrow, and regrets. A look of deep pain crossed Spikes face that he couldn't stop or control.

Dawn seeing the pain and understanding that somehow she was the cause stepped close to Spike and gently placed her hand over his heart and spoke quietly so that only he could hear her words. "I didn't do it to hurt you Spike, I wanted to make you happy, to know that I hadn't forgotten you, that I still love you."

I still love you The words slammed their way through Spikes mind, shaking his hold on reality. He took two quick steps back, away from Dawn, as if he had been burned by her touch. If it was possible he became even paler than his normal pale self, almost translucent. He felt like he was loosing himself in a whirlwind, like he'd lost control of his body and it was spinning away from him.

Then everything stopped, reality returned, a small soft hand had taken his hand into hers. Spike took a deep breath as he looked up at the ceiling and got control of himself. He turned sideways and knelt down so that he was face to face with a little girl. She stood there looking into his heart as she held his hand. She smiled a little smile at him then leaned into him and kissed him on the tip of his nose. Everything about Spike seemed to change in that moment. The tension seemed to melt away from his body, the pain slipped away from his eyes, a smile of pure love spread across his lips. He leaned toward her and kissed her on the nose. As they stared into each others eyes they started making little cooing noises to each other. All other realities were pushed to the side, the world consisted of just the two of them.

Dawn hadn't really seen the little girl approach until she was next to Spike and took his hand. As she watched the transformation over Spike take place she was entranced . As they traded kisses and coos she felt her heart swell with love for this little girl who had such an amazing effect on Spike. The majority of her attention had been on Spike, but now Dawn turned her full attention on the little girl. She had to be the one Willow said was Spikes daughter. She studied the girl who looked to be six or seven years old. She wasn't very tall, but her body seemed well formed and developed for her age. She had long blonde hair that fell to the middle of her back and seemed to have a natural wave to it. Her eyes seemed to have a greenish cast to them. Her lips were full and she had a beautiful smile, when she was smiling.

All these factors were whirling through Dawns mind, turning and churning, there was something special about this girl that Dawn recognized. Something that was trying to force it's way into the front of her mind. When the little girl, who had been paying her full attention to Spike, turned her head and looked up at Dawn, the recognition sprang forth with the force of a lightening bolt. This little girl, she looked just like another little girl, a little girl that Dawn had a picture of at home. She looked like a picture of another little girl on her eighth birthday. She looked exactly like Buffy.

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	11. Reunions 11

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Reunions / Part 11

She can't! But, but she does! She looks exactly like Buffy! When she was little! These thoughts ran through Dawns mind as she stared at the little girl. She'd stared at that picture a thousand times, a hundred thousand times, after Buffy died, before she came back, and over the years since Sunnydale.

It was in the photo album, the one Mom had made when she was sick, before she died. The only personal thing Dawn took from the house that day they went to the school to fight the First. As if knowing she would never be going back home again. The only thing that was left of her life before the end of Sunnydale. It had pictures of Mom, and Dad, pictures of Buffy when she was little, even pictures of Dawn when she was little (which weren't even real, but they were), pictures of the three of them together. 

There were pictures of everyone important to Buffy and Dawn, before the end. Willow, Tara, Xander, Anya, Giles, even Oz ,Cordelia, and Faith. There was a picture of Angel and Buffy together and one of Buffy and Riley, and there was even a picture of Spike that Dawn had snapped of him in his duster without him knowing about it. (The only one Buffy had asked for, to keep for herself.)

Dawn had been so distracted by her own thoughts that whole minutes had slipped by without her knowing it. She only came back to the here and now when Willow touched her arm. When she did come back it was to find that Spike and the little girl were gone. She looked around quickly and saw that the two of them were sitting over by the wall near the door. The little girl was sitting in Spikes lap while he was feeding her fries as she held on with both hands to a big cheese burger.

"Are you alright?" Willow asked with concern in her voice.

"Yes. No. I mean yes, I'm alright. But? Willow, do you remember my photo album? The one Mom made?" Dawn asked tentatively?

"Yeah, kind of? I haven't seen it in years, but I remember it. Why?" Willow asked with a puzzled look on her face at Dawns question.

"Do you remember the picture of Buffy when she was eight years old, it was a birthday picture, in a little pink and white dress?" Dawn asked cautiously.

"Well, kind of, but not so much really?" Willow replied, still feeling puzzled.

"Well I do, like I'm holding it in my hand right now, and that little girl you said is Spikes daughter?" Dawn said in a hushed voice as she stared over at Spike and the little girl. "She looks exactly like Buffy in the picture!"

Just as Dawn finished her sentence the little girl looked up from eating, directly at Dawn, then turned her attention back to Spike. Dawn felt a chill run through her body.

Willow was shocked at first by what Dawn had just said, but after a few moments of thinking about it, she replied "It's just a coincidence Dawn. Little girls with blonde hair kind of look alike at that age, mostly?" As she added the 'mostly' to the end of her sentence Willow started to feel unsure.

"It's not a coincidence Willow" Dawn said with more surety in her voice. "She looks exactly like Buffy did when she was little, exactly!"

As Dawn stood in the middle of the big sublevel room that Spike and his kids used as a living area she felt lost as to what to do. The slayers had all dispersed themselves amongst the kids and were talking to some of them while they ate the food that had been brought in for them and passing out more to anyone who wanted more. Willow was staying close to Dawn, keeping an eye on Spike and the girl, but hadn't said anything to her for several minutes after her revelation that the little girl looked like Buffy as a child. Spike was totally ignoring both of them as he helped to feed the girl and talked to her in whispers and little coos.

The bizarreness of the situation had her feeling afraid and unsure of herself. A feeling she wasn't use too, not for a long time anyway. It came to her that she hadn't felt this way, lost and afraid of what would happen next, since the bad times after Buffy's death. Back then the only person that had made her feel safe, even for a little while, more than anyone else, had been Spike. Through all her fears and uncertainties, Spike had been there for her, helping her to deal with her grief and making her feel safe.

Dawn shook herself, trying to throw off these feelings. She wasn't a child anymore, she was a grown woman. She was trained to face her fears, to fight the unknown, to conquer her enemies. But, there weren't any enemies to fight, there was just Spike and the little girl, Joy, his daughter. Dawns feelings of loss and uncertainty continued to grow and she became more and more afraid of what would happen next.

When Willow suddenly touched her arm, Dawn jumped and spun around toward Willow as if she were being attacked. It was only due to her own training over the past eight years that Willow was able to block the blow directed at her throat. She took a quick step back from Dawn, but kept her hands up to protect herself in case Dawn were to strike again.

After the first hard strike, Dawn realized who she was attacking and stepped back from Willow. It hit her then that if she had made contact with her intended target she would have crushed Willows throat. Dawn stood there shaking, trying to get herself under control. She then realized that if it had been any of Spikes kids, instead of Willow she had attacked, they would probably be lying on the floor dying. Dawn started to shake even more.

Willow was standing back from Dawn with her hands still up to protect herself, her eyes were wide open and she was looking at Dawn with fear. Seeing the fear in Willows eyes made Dawn shake even more. Her nerves were on such an edge she felt as if she was going to fly apart.

When two hands clasped her shoulders from behind, Dawn froze, but her whole body was vibrating with tension. When she heard Spikes soft voice speaking quietly in her ear, "Let it go Luv, I'm here." the tension seemed to drain out of her whole body and she would have slumped to the floor if Spike hadn't kept her on her feet.

The next thing Dawn was aware of Spike was walking her across the floor toward the big cushion he had been sitting on near the door. The little girl, Joy, was standing there smiling at her as she drew nearer. As Spike tried to ease her down onto the cushion to sit, Dawn resisted and tried to pull away. When the girl took Dawns hand and gave it a little squeeze, Dawn looked down at her and saw that she was smiling up at her. She then made a little cooing sound and squeezed Dawns hand again.

"Just do what she tells you Luv" Spike said quietly "she'll have her way in this, she wants us to talk."

"What??" Dawn mumbled, still not able to fully focus.

"Sit down with me Pet" Spike said as he sat down on the cushion, pulling Dawn down onto the cushion with him. He pulled at her until she was sitting cross wise to him with her legs half tucked up under herself. Spike had one leg out straight with the other bent up to act as a back rest for Dawn. He had one arm around her shoulder holding her against his chest, the other arm across her waist holding her in his lap. Dawn turned her head so that she could look up at Spike and could see the concern in his eyes.

For the first time in almost ten years Dawn found herself in the one place she had always felt safe, in Spikes arms. Tears started running from her eyes as he held her, her silent tears turning into a full cry. Her whole body shook as her feelings and emotions peaked and brought all the feelings of loss and grief she had kept locked inside over the years to the surface. Spike squeezed her tighter against his chest and rocked her in his arms. As the tears flowed from her eyes, Spike kissed them away to ease her pain.

For several minutes Dawn cried without any awareness of the world around her except for the feel of Spikes arms around her and his kisses on her eyes and cheeks. When she finally started to calm down she became aware of someone petting one of her arms. She turned her head and found the little girl, Joy, was kneeling next to her and was petting her arm, trying to sooth her. When their eyes met Dawn could see that there were tears in the girls eyes too, but she was smiling at Dawn in such a way that Dawn had to smile back at her.

When Dawn turned her head so that she could again see Spikes face, there were still tears leaking from her eyes, but she was much calmer and more in control of herself. As she looked up into his eyes she could see the care and concern in them, and the love. Seeing the love in Spikes eyes set Dawn off again and twisting herself in his arms so that she could bury her face in his chest she started crying even harder than before. As she cried, between sobs, she kept saying over and over "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Spike could make out the words but he didn't understand what Dawn was saying she was sorry about. He raised his head to seek out Willow and found her kneeling in front of him next to his daughter. He looked past Willow and found that all of the slayers and his children were gathered in a semicircle around him watching quietly. He looked at Willow again and asked quietly "Do ya know what she means, pet? What's she sorry about?"

Willow had tears in her own eyes as she knelt in front of Spike. "I'm not sure what she's sorry about. It could be what we're all sorry about, that we didn't find you. We did look Spike, for a whole month we looked, but we couldn't find any trace of you."

"No" Dawn said between sobs, "that's not it." She turned herself so that she could look up at Spikes face, and said "I mean, I am sorry we didn't find you Spike. Buffy and I, and Willow and the Coven and the slayers, we did look for you, everywhere. But we couldn't find you. We tried Spike, we really did try. But that's not all. I'm sorry for before too."

"Before what, Luv" Spike asked in puzzlement?

"For not believing in you, for not trusting in you, for being mad at you, for not understanding" Dawn said in a near whisper.

"I still don't understand Luv" Spike said "but what ever it is you think you have to be sorry about, you don't, not to me."

"But I do Spike, I do. You don't understand" Dawn said a little louder and more clearly. "After Buffy came back, from heaven, you know? You kind of stopped coming around to see me and talk to me anymore, and I missed you. I mean, I knew you loved Buffy, but I thought you loved me too, and when you stopped coming to see me it hurt. When it all came out about you and Buffy, you know, being secrete lovers and stuff, that hurt too. Then you left Sunnydale, I didn't know why you left, and you didn't even say good-by or anything. It hurt that you didn't care that I would miss you and I got mad at you for leaving. When you did come back, Xander told me what you did, what you tried to do, you know? I hated you for what you tried to do to Buffy. Even when she didn't seem to be mad at you at all. I threatened you, remember? I wouldn't trust you anymore. It made me even more angry that Buffy trusted you. I even turned against her because she trusted you. I wouldn't let myself see the truth, and then you died, in the Hellmouth, and it was to late for the truth or to say I was sorry."

"Oh Luv" Spike said as tears formed in his eyes, "you don't have to be sorry about anything. You were bloody right to hate me for what I did, I hated myself for it too. I didn't blame you for hating me, so you shouldn't blame yourself for feeling the way you do."

"No" Dawn said in a plaintive voice. "You still don't understand. After you died, in the Hellmouth, Buffy moped around for months. I would hear her at night crying. Giles sent us to Rome to try to make her think about other things, other people. But it didn't work and I got really mad at her and we had this big argument. I said a lot of really nasty things to her and about you, about how I couldn't understand how she could feel the way she did about you after you tried to, you know?"

"Tried to rape her, is that what you mean" Spike said quietly as he looked Dawn in the eyes. "I did, you know, try to rape her. If she hadn't stopped me I would have raped her, there's no doubt about that at all. You had every right, you still do, to hate me for what I tried to do."

"NOOOO" Dawn whined. "You still don't understand. Buffy told me everything, the truth, all of it. She told me every detail of every moment the two of you spent together. She told me what she did to you, how she hurt you over and over again. She told me how she felt about herself, how much she hated herself. Hated herself for hurting you, hated herself for using you to make her feel alive, hated herself for her feelings about you and keeping everything a secret. She told me that when you realized what you had almost done to her, she saw it in your eyes that you were horrified, but she said things to you that hurt you even more. And then you were gone, and she couldn't tell you she was sorry or that she didn't blame you for what happened."

Spike sat holding Dawn not knowing what to say or how to respond to any of the things she had just said. Hearing that Buffy had told Dawn about their 'relationship' was a shock. Hearing that she had forgiven him for something he had never been able to forgive himself for was even more of a shock.

"When you came back to Sunnydale, with your soul and all crazy like, Buffy didn't know how to tell you she was sorry. She didn't want to go back to where the two of you had been before, but she didn't know how to go anywhere else either. At first, with you being all crazy like, she was afraid she would just hurt you more and make you crazier. Then with the First taking control of you and making you kill again, she didn't know what to do. But when you fought against the First and refused to kill her, she saw the truth about you and your soul. She trusted you Spike, more than anyone else she trusted you. She believed in you, to be a good man, to be a hero, to cover her back. With everything going wrong, with the First, with the Counsel being destroyed, with the potentials, the uber-vamps, school, the preacher, Robin, Giles, Faith, Angel, everything just kept piling up and she couldn't say what she wanted to say to you. When we all turned against her, you were the only one who didn't. You were the only one who stood at her side when things were at their very worst. She knew then how she felt about you, but with everything so desperate she was afraid to tell you. She told me she tried several times, but just couldn't get the words out right. She told me how it was you who held her at night and gave her the strength she needed to go on. She even told me that at the very end, when she finally did tell you that she loved you, you didn't believe her, and after that it was to late, you were gone. But she was telling you the truth Spike, she did love you then, and she still loves you now."

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	12. Reunions 12

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Reunions / Part 12

When Spike heard Dawn say that Buffy had meant it when she told him that she loved him, and that she still did, his whole body tightened up and he started to become agitated. He tried to push Dawn out of his lap, he wanted to get away from her. Dawn held on to Spike and he became even more upset. It was only when his daughter touched the side of his face and made a little cooing sound that he stopped trying to get away, but he was still agitated. The little girl looked over at Willow and made a long cooing sound.

Willows eyes got big, then she jumped up from the floor and ran over to Spikes little room and went inside. A few seconds later she came out of the room with the bottle of brandy she had given to him and a pack of cigarettes. She quickly came back over to Spike and handed them to him. Spike looked at Willow and then at his daughter. Willow seeing his look, said quietly "She told me to get them. She said you needed them." Spike looked at Willow, but didn't say anything. Willow concentrated her powers and threw her thoughts at Spike Inside my head. Spike looked a Willow again and just nodded.

Dawn let herself slip out of Spikes lap, but knelt down next to him, facing him. Little Joy stood next to Spike with her hand on his shoulder. Willow was kneeling in front of Spike, preventing him from moving forward off of the cushion he was sitting on. No one knew what to say next. Dawn had heard Willow say that little Joy had told her to get the brandy and cigarettes and understood immediately that she was talking about telepathy. Willow was the only person that Dawn had ever met who was capable of opening her own mind and the minds of others so that they could hear each others thoughts. To hear that Joy could also do this was a bit of a shock, but at the same time made sense of how she and Spike could talk to each other with dove coos and half heard whispers. They had been talking to each other telepathically.

Spike was looking out past Willow at the slayers and at all of the kids that were standing around them. He was afraid to say anything to Willow out of fear that the others might hear what he was saying. He looked over at Joy and smiled at her. She suddenly started cooing again and Willow seemed to be understanding what she was saying.

"Oh, Oh, the ice cream" Willow blurted out loud. "The ice cream is melting." Willow said as she turned to Vi.

Vi was one of the 'Inner Circle' and knew about Willows ability to open her mind to the thoughts of others and how it was a secret, and reacted immediately. She rushed away from the group over to the tubs of ice cream they had brought as a treat for all the kids. The other slayers joined her and they called the kids, both the youngest and the older ones over to get their share. A couple of the older ones were reluctant to leave at first, but after a look from Spike they went over to join the others.

Spike continued to sit, not saying anything. He was holding the bottle of brandy Willow had given him in one hand and his cigarettes in the other. He looked over at little Joy and said, "You don't really like it when I do this, are you sure it's okay with you."

Joy made a long string of cooing and clicking sounds, then gave Spike a big smile. She let go of Spikes shoulder and then walking around in back of Willow she walked up to Dawn. She put her hand on Dawns shoulder as she smiled at her. She then raised one hand and pinched her nose and tugged on Dawn to urge her to back up. Dawn got the message and backed up several feet to sit on the floor. Joy then positioned herself and sat down in Dawns lap. Dawn wrapped her arms around the girl and gave her a kiss on top of her head. Willow also got the idea and backed up to give Spike some space.

Spike let a long sigh of relief out and dug his lighter out of his pocket and lit up a cigarette. He took a long deep drag off of the cigarette, held it for several seconds and then let the smoke out slowly. Dawn had never smoked a cigarette in her life and didn't think they smelled very good and had never dated anyone who did smoke, but watching Spike smoke had always given her pleasure. She didn't understand why, but it had always been that way, from the first time she met him. Her mom had been the same way, she had never objected to Spike smoking in the house and had even bought him an ashtray to use when he was at the house.

Buffy had been the only one to object to Spikes smoking in the house, but Dawn had figured out right away that most of her objection was really due to Buffy not wanting to seem to approve of anything Spike did back then. Buffy had always been like that with Spike, never making more than a token protest to the things he did, unless someone else was with them, then everything became a big deal. Buffy had admitted this to Dawn years ago during one of their many long talks about Spike. Dawn wondered if Spike could even comprehend the changes that had taken place in Buffy over the years since his presumed death. Which brought everything back into a sharp urgent focus.

"We haven't told Buffy your alive yet, Spike" Dawn said without any preamble. "We had to find out if you still had your soul first, and some other things."

Spike looked over at Dawn but didn't say anything at first. He opened the bottle of brandy and took a large swallow, then set the bottle down in front of himself. "What was going to happen if I had lost my soul Pet? Was Red here going to cast a spell and force it back into me?"

Willow leaned forward from where she was sitting and picked up the bottle of brandy and took a mouth full. She swallowed it down with only a small gasp for air. "That was one of the plans" Willow said as she took a deep breath. "That's not bad" she said before taking a second smaller sip and then setting the bottle down in front of Spike.

"What was plan two, if the first one didn't work?" Spike asked calmly as he took another drag off of his cigarette.

"Well, if you had lost your soul and were leading a pack of vampires, and there wasn't any other choice, we were all going to die" Willow replied just as calmly. "You, me, the slayers and everyone else within a thousand yards of ground zero."

"We were all going to die" Spike repeated. "Does Giles still hate me that much that he would send you in here to die just to get rid of me?"

"No, actually he doesn't hate you at all, but we would both be willing to die to prevent Buffy from finding out you were alive and had lost your soul. We both know what she would have done if she found out and we couldn't let that happen."

"And just what would have happened if she found out?" Spike asked coldly. "Would she have got on a big silver bird and flown here from Rome to stake me personally?"

"No" Dawn said harshly as she leaned forward and grabbed the bottle of brandy and took three long swallows. "She would have got on a big silver bird in London and flown here to let you kill her. That's what she would have done."

Dawns words shocked Spike speechless for a full minute or more. He couldn't find any words to say and reached toward Dawn and took the bottle from her hand and took a long pull off of it. "That doesn't make any sense" Spike finally got out. "Why would any of you think that I would kill Buffy, with or without a soul?"

"Because you don't have a chip anymore, maybe?" Willow said quietly as she reached out her hand for the brandy. Spike let her have it and she took a swallow.

"You do know that chip didn't have any effect on me after Buffy came back from heaven, don't you?" Spike asked both Willow and Dawn. "If I had wanted her dead, or anything else, I could have done it almost anytime before I got my soul back."

"But you loved her then." Dawn said as she reached for the bottle in Willows hand. After taking a large swallow, she continued "We don't know how you feel about her now. Even with a soul, you still might want her dead."

"Bit" Spike protested "you know that's not true. I'd rather stake myself first."

Dawn took another swallow of the brandy and passed the bottle back to Spike. "Then why didn't you ever call her and let her know you were alive?"

Spike took the bottle and upending it chugged down all that remained in the bottle. He sat there in silence for a minute while he lit up another cigarette. He then looked Willow and then Dawn in the eyes. "Because she was happy" Spike said with a pain filled voice. "I couldn't come walking back into her life, messing it up again. I saw her in Rome and she was happier than I'd ever seen her. She was dancing and full of life, I couldn't mess that up, not again. It was like Andrew said, she was getting on with her life, without me."

"Spike, when did you talk to Andrew, about Buffy getting on with her life?" Dawn asked cautiously.

"What?" Spike asked, confused by the question. "Well here, in L.A., when Buffy sent him to pick up that crazy slayer girl, Dana, I think her name was. He told me about Buffy living in Rome and how she was building a new life and making new friends."

"If you were here then, why didn't Andrew or any of the slayers mention seeing you" Willow asked as she checked the empty bottle that Spike had set down on the floor. When she was certain it was empty she shrugged her 'magic bag' off her shoulders and pulling it around into her lap she unzipped it and reaching inside pulled out two more bottles of the same kind of brandy. She tried to break the seal for a few moments, then handed the bottle to Spike to open. Once he had the bottle open she reached out and took it from his hand and took a big swallow from it, then handed the bottle to Dawn.

"Well, after Andrew told me about Buffy making a new life for herself, I asked him not to tell her that he'd seen me. Not that I really thought the little bugger would do it, but he did promise. As far as the slayers you sent to pick up the girl, I didn't see any of them. I was getting my hands put back on at the time."

"Getting your hands put back on" Dawn said in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"The girl, Dana. I told you she was crazy, right. Well she'd hurt some people and I went after her thinking she was some kind of demon or something. I didn't know she was a slayer or crazy. Anyway, she kicked my ass, shot me full of drugs and cut off both my hands. Lucky for me Angel had some doctors that worked for him that were able to put them back on just like new." Spike explained as he took the brandy bottle from Dawn and took a couple of deep swallow. He then handed the bottle back to Willow.

Willow took the bottle from Spike and took a big swallow, then handed it to Dawn. "Okay, but when did you see Buffy, dancing, in Rome?" she asked with a slightly slurred voice.

"When Angel and me went to Rome to pick up the head" he told her as he waited for Dawn to finish taking a drink and hand the bottle to him. Once he took a couple of swallows of brandy he continued. "Me and Angel, we didn't trust each other to go to Rome alone. We both kind of figured the other would try to go see Buffy. So we ended up both going together. But once we got there we started arguing and we both went to see her together. But she wasn't there, Andrew was. That's when he told us that Buffy was dating that bloody ass the 'Immortal', and was in love with him. We didn't believe him of course and went looking for her. We caught up with them in a night club somewhere and saw her dancing." Spike looked at Dawn with a look of overwhelming sadness in his eyes. "God, we saw her dancing Dawn and she looked so happy, so full of life. She was glowing, do you know what I mean. Then Angel and me got into a fight and someone stole the head and we had to chase after it and we got into another fight and ended up having to pay a big ransom to get it back, but we got double crossed and then that bloody 'Immortal' rescued the head and sent it to us and we just took it and left. We both figured it out that Buffy was better off without us messing up her life. She was happy, and that's what we both wanted for her anyway, so we just left." Spike took another long drink of brandy and handed the bottle to Willow.

"Oh God" Dawn said angrily, "When I get my hands on Andrew I'm going to wring his bloody fucking neck."

"Not if I see him first" Willow said in a flat tone of voice. "I'm going to turn him into a rat, then stomp on him till he pops, the little rodent."

"I don't understand" Spike said as he took the bottle back from Willow and drained it. "What are you mad at him for, what he'd do?"

"He didn't tell us you were alive, that's what he do, did." Dawn said angrily. "He didn't tell us you were alive in L.A. and he didn't tell us you came to Rome. He didn't tell us anything. He didn't tell Buffy."

Spike reached for the other bottle of brandy sitting on the floor and giving it his full concentration pealed off the seal and opened the bottle. After taking a drink he handed the bottle to Willow. "But that's what I asked him to do, don't you see. I asked him not to tell Buffy. I wanted her to be happy."

Willow had barely finished taking a drink from the bottle when Dawn grabbed it from her hand and took a couple of big swallows. "You big jerk" Dawn snapped at Spike. "Why the hell did you do something so stupid?"

"Hold on Bit" Spike said as he started getting angry himself. "It wasn't stupid to want Buffy to be happy. It still isn't."

Dawn took another drink and passed the bottle to Spike. "You big moron. Do you honestly think Buffy has been holding hands with the fucking 'Immortal' for the past seven years?"

Spike looked at Dawn through bleary eyes, trying to focus on her face. "Well, hasn't she? I mean they was happy and in love and all that. It just made sense that they would still be together."

"You idiot" Dawn yelled at Spike as she sat there crying. "Do you know what happened to the bloody fucking 'Immortal' when he tried to stop Buffy from getting on the plane to go look for you after she found out you were alive? Buffy, me, Willow, Giles, Faith and Robin, fifty fucking slayers, the whole fucking Coven and a few dozen fucking survivors from the Council flew to L.A. from all around the world to look for you."

"Guess what happened when the fucking 'Immortal' tried to stop Buffy from getting on the plane. Just guess you idiot. She broke his arm, shattered his knee and kicked him in the balls so hard he was puking blood for a month. You may not be able to kill an immortal but you bloody fucking well can hurt them. Especially when their stupid enough to tell Buffy that they had known you were alive for months and didn't tell her. Buffy never went back to Rome. Buffy never saw the 'Immortal' again. But she sent him a message. She told him that if she ever did see him again she was going to cut his fucking head off and see if he could go on living without it." As soon as Dawn stopped yelling at Spike her eyes seemed to cross and she passed out, slumping over onto the cushion Spike was sitting on.

Joy had slipped out of Dawn's lap earlier when she started drinking and got a little wobbly. She had moved over to the cushion and had been sitting watching Spike, Willow and Dawn drinking, talking and eventually yelling at each other. When Dawn passed out, Joy scooted across the cushion far enough so that she could lift Dawns head and place it in her lap. She sat there brushing her fingers over the side of Dawns head and face and cooed softly to her.

Spike sat there for a minute or two, looking down at Dawn as she slept. He took another long drink from the brandy bottle and handed it to Willow. He looked at Willow, squinting his eyes to focus on her face. "Is that right? What she said?" Spike asked slowly to get the words out.

"Mostly" Willow said with a slur in her voice. "I think he was puking blood for longer than a month though, if I remember right."

Spike sat there grinning at Willow for a couple of minutes until his eyes closed and he fell asleep. Willow set the bottle down on the floor, then reached into one of her pockets and pulled out a little packet. She opened the packet carefully and poured the ingredients on her tongue and swallowed. For about a minute she sat there turning green as her whole body seemed to quiver, then she sat up straight and looked over at Joy and smiled at her. "Their both going to feel really bad in the morning, but they'll live."

Joy smiled back at Willow and let out a string of soft coos.

Willow got up from the floor and signaled to the slayers to come help her with Dawn. They picked Dawn up and carried her over to a pallet and laid her down and covered her with a blanket. Two of the older boys came over and each of them taking Spike under one arm dragged him across the room and inside his little room. Joy followed after them and once Spike was laid out she pulled a blanket up over him and then getting under the blanket too, she wormed her way up next to him. In his sleep Spike wrapped one arm around her and pulled her in close to him where they both felt safe and secure while they slept.

Willow got her phone out of her 'magic bag' and dialed Giles phone number. She had a lot to tell him and wanted him to know everything she had learned right away.

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	13. Reunions 13

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Reunions / Part 13

When Willow shook her shoulder to wake her up, Dawns eyes popped open immediately. That was a mistake. Even though there were only a few candles burning close at hand, the light they gave off was still to much and sent a lance of pain through them. She then tried to sit up with her eyes still closed, but as soon as she lifted her head off the pillow it felt like it was going to explode. A long moan of pain escaped from her lips.

"Come on Dawn, it's time to wake up" Willow said in a cheery tone of voice. "The sun will be up in forty minutes and we have to leave before it does, so get a move on girl."

With her eyes still closed, Dawn mumbled out "You got coffee?"

"Nope, no coffee, no cereal, no pancakes, no juice" Willow said in that still overly cheerful voice "got water, or you could have some more brandy, if you want it."

"Your loving this aren't you" Dawn groaned out.

"Loving what sweetie" Willow responded in a laughing tone of voice?

"Me dying" Dawn said as she gritted her teeth and pushed herself up into a sitting position. When she opened her eyes the light still hurt them but she suffered through the pain and stared at Willow with a sour look on her face.

Willow was kneeling in front of her with a big smile on her face. Dawn knew that Willow had drank at least as much as she had last night and should be feeling ready to die too. That just meant one thing, she must have taken that sober-up stuff that she makes for herself. The thought sent a shudder through Dawns whole body. She'd taken one once and the idea of ever doing that to herself again made her cringe.

"You're not dying honey, you just wish you were" Willow said as she continued to smile at her. "Do you want me to fix you up, huh?"

Dawn drew her legs up and rested her elbows on her knees then held her head in her hands as she stared between them at Willow. "Your evil, you know that?" She said between clenched teeth.

Willow continued to smile at her for a few more moments with her eyes full of laughter, then becoming more serious she said "Not really, but we do need to get ready to leave. Spike doesn't want us to be seen leaving the warehouse after the sun comes up. It might draw attention and put their hideout at risk. So get up girl!"

Dawn put one hand on the floor for balance and started to stand up, then stopped and sat back down. "No, I'm not going." she said between her clenched teeth. "I'm going to stay here, with Spike. We haven't finished talking yet."

Willow got a serious look on her face as she asked "You sure about that Dawn? You won't be able to leave unless Spike says it's okay and I don't know for sure if we'll be coming back again tonight or not. Spike was worried about us coming back too many nights in a row, we might not be back for a couple of nights, unless it's safe."

Dawn lifted her head and looked Willow in the eyes so that she would know that she was serious. "Yeah, I'm sure. We left him once, I'm not going to do it again."

Willow studied Dawns face for a few moments and then gave her a smile. "Okay, if that's what you want. But the rest of us have got to go now." She got to her feet and signaled to Vi and the other girls to join her so they could leave. Once they were ready, but just before they walked away, Dawn said "Will, could you give me a couple of those things, just in case?"

A big smile spread across Willows face as she reached into her pocket and pulled out two little packets and handed them to Dawn. "You sure about this?"

"No, I'm not sure. But if the only way I can get Spike to talk to me is to get drunk with him again, I'll do it!" Dawn replied seriously.

Willow didn't say anything, she just shrugged off her 'magic bag', knelt down next to Dawn and unzipped it. She reached inside and pulled out two bottles of brandy, hesitated for a moment, then reached inside and pulled out two more. She set them on the floor next to Dawns pallet. She zipped the bag shut, shrugged it back on and stood up. She reached into her pocket and pulled out two more of the little packets and handed them to Dawn. "Just in case" was all she said.

Dawn took the packets and put them in her pocket with the other two. As she watched Willow and the other girls go through the door that two of Spikes boys had just opened for them to leave, she hoped like hell that she wouldn't have to take any of them. But the fact that Willow had given her four of them made her think it wasn't very likely. God, she hoped she wouldn't have too, but she knew she would if it was the only way. Once they were through the door and it was closed again, Dawn laid back down on her pallet and within a few minutes, pounding head and all, she was back to sleep

Willow, Vi and the other girls got back to the hotel just before seven, used the lobby phone to order breakfast from room service, then went up the elevator to their floor. As soon as they got inside their suite all of the girls headed for their rooms and took quick showers and changed into sleeping shorts and t-shirts. By the time the last one was finished, breakfast was being wheeled into the living room. Everyone wolfed down their breakfast and went off to bed, except for Willow. Someone always had to be awake and on guard on an 'Action Team', it was a rule they never broke. Usually Willow wasn't included in the guard rotation, but because she had taken her 'sober-up' potion, which acted like three or four double espressos on her system, she was going to be awake for hours and hours anyway. She sat down on the floor in a lotus position and pulled her 'magic bag' into her lap and opened it. She withdrew a half dozen small bags of ingredients, a mortar and pestle and some small square papers. She figured that if she was going to be awake anyway she might as well use the time wisely. When your going to hang around with Spike you can never have to many 'sober-up' potions ready.

It was almost two in the afternoon when there was a knock on the door. Willow hadn't ordered anything from room service and except for Dawn no one else in town knew where she was staying. She cautiously approached the door and peeked out the peep hole to see who was there. When she saw who it was she unlocked the door quickly and throwing it open she jumped into the arms of Faith.

Any animosity between Willow and Faith had died long ago at the Hellmouth in Sunnydale. Over the years they had become close friends and even though they didn't get to see each other very often they talked on the phone and by e-mail all the time. When Faith finally let go of Willow, Robin was next to take her into his arms. When Robin let her go and she had a chance to look around she saw that there were eight other young women standing in the hall watching the three of them exchanging hugs and kisses. Willow started blushing and then started laughing with happiness. She stepped back into her room and waved Faith, Robin and all the girls to come in and join her.

The noise that was made at the door and by everyone coming into the apartment had woke up the other slayers and they had all come out of their rooms to see what was going on. As soon as Vi saw Faith she let out a whoop and ran over for a big hug. Faith had changed a lot over the years. She wasn't as edgy or closed off to other people as she had once been. Living with Robin and learning to love and be loved had opened her up to loving and trusting other people too. She was still the number two Slayer and could kick the ass of any of them and they all knew it. But where once there had been fear, and respect, between Faith and all the other slayers, now there was just respect, in major amounts.

After Buffy, and before Buffy for some of the girls, Faith was the most popular member of the Counsel of Watchers and Slayers. That was one of the things that Faith had been instrumental in establishing when Giles started to reorganize and reconstitute the Counsel. She had insisted that the Counsel never be in a position of superiority over the slayers again. They would either be equal partners, the Watchers and the Slayers, or the Watchers could just go fuck themselves. Buffy, from her own bad experiences with the Counsel when it had been run by Quentin Travers had agreed with Faith and backed her up all the way. The few dozen members of the old Counsel organization that had survived the purge by Caleb and the Bringers had fallen into line or had been retired into obscurity.

When they were all in the room together Willow checked out the other girls that had come with Faith and Robin. She recognized all of them by face if not by name, but didn't really know any of them. Vi and Sara did know all of them and Ruth and Nicki both knew some of them. Everyone was talking to everyone else, trying to catch up on things and introducing each other to those they didn't know, and Faith was in the middle of it all because she knew everyone. It sounded like a sorority house with so many girls gabbing at each other.

Willow stood next to Robin listening to all the noise and while smiling up at him, asked "How do you do it? How do you stand this kind of bedlam all the time?"

"Well, first of all it's not always this bad, and second, I was a school principle if you remember" Robin said in his rich mellow voice as he smiled at Faith and all the other girls. "Besides, it keeps me young to be around this many young girls all the time."

Robin Woods had been thirty years old when he came to Sunnydale to take over the high school as principle. It was now almost nine years later and he still looked almost as young and fit as he had then. Sure there were a few signs of aging, but not many. Being the Master of a dojo and training slayers to fight on the Cleveland Hellmouth for the past seven and a half years had kept him as fit as it was possible for anyone to be, who wasn't a slayer themself. Faith hadn't really aged either, but for different reasons of course. She still liked to wear tight black jeans with a pullover top and a jean jacket. Her hair was a little longer that it had been in the old days and she had mellowed out on the dark red lipstick. She still wore red, but not the dark blood red color she had once wore all the time.

When Willow heard someone mention being hungry she called the pizza place she had gone to the other night and placed an order for eight pizzas to be delivered with extra garlic bread and dipping sauce and plenty of cold soda and beer. She then called down to the hotel lobby and told the desk clerk that she had some friends in her apartment that were looking for rooms and asked if he could send someone up to check them into the hotel.

Five minutes later the Manager himself was coming through the door with the hotel registry book in his hand. He explained to Robin and Faith that he had small rooms that could take two girls each and larger rooms that could take four each. When asked about suites like Willows he told them that he did have one other suite like Willows that could take six people, and then there was the Presidential Suite that could take all ten of them, but it was quite expensive. When Robin told him that he wanted both the Presidential Suite and the other suite like Willows the manager was very please, but asked why he wanted so much extra room. Robin told him that there would be others joining him in a day or two and he would need the rooms anyway so he might as well get the rooms while they were available. Again the Manager was pleased and when Robin told him that they would take the rooms for a month and let him know later if they were staying longer, the Manager was almost dancing with glee as he left the room.

When Dawn woke up later in the morning she could hear people moving around. She was still feeling hung over, but ten times better than she had earlier. As she opened her eyes slowly, to see if the light would still be painful, the first thing she saw were two little knees. She turned her head up from the pillow and opened her eyes wider. Spikes little girl Joy was kneeling on the floor, sitting back on her feet, looking down at Dawn with curiosity in her eyes. As soon as she saw that Dawn was awake she made a little cooing sound and smiled. Dawn smiled back at her and pushed herself up into a sitting position.

"Hi" Dawn said as she smiled warmly at the little girl. "We haven't been properly introduced yet, but my name is Dawn."

Little Joys smile got even bigger. She reach out with one hand and touched Dawn on the knee and started cooing and making little clicking sounds.

Dawn laid her hand gently on top of the little girls hand that was resting on her knee and said quietly "I'm sorry Joy, but I just don't understand. If your trying to talk inside my head, I didn't hear you, sorry. My heads pretty thick this morning. You'd probably have to hit me with a hammer to get inside right now."

The little girl looked around to see if anyone was near by or paying attention to them. She then turned back to Dawn and looking directly into her eyes made three short cooing sounds a little louder than before.

Dawn felt something inside her head. It wasn't words or pictures, it was more like feelings of happiness love friendship.

Dawns eyes got big in surprise that she had actually heard/understood this time. The smile she had on her face got even bigger and she reached out to the little girl and pulled her forward into her lap where she could hug her and kiss her on the cheek.

"That was so cool" Dawn whispered into little Dawns ear.

Dawnie made another cooing sound and Dawn could feel happy inside her head. For the next half hour Dawn whispered into Joys ear and Joy would coo and click and Dawn would have 'feelings' inside her head. They were still going at it when Spike walked up to them and knelt down on the floor beside them.

"You two are making friends I see" Spike said as he smiled kind of crookedly at both of them.

Joy let go of Dawn and reached out to Spike. He lifted her from Dawns lap and transferred her to his own. She wrapped one arm around his neck and leaning back a little she brushed her other hand along the side of his temple as she made little cooing sounds to him. Without the direct contact with Joy Dawn had a little more trouble picking up the feelings inside her head, but she thought she felt pain sorry love.

Spike smiled and kissed her on her nose. "I'm alright Luv. I've felt worse than this before and survived. Once I eat, I'll be fine." Joy wrapped both arms around Spikes neck and hugged him tightly with her head next to his and made more cooing sounds. Spike cooed back to her and kissed her on the cheek several times.

As they held each other, Dawn sat watching them and could feel the love they shared. Her own heart seemed to swell as the love she was feeling for both of them filled her mind and heart. These feelings were quickly followed by feelings of loss and sorrow.

Joy, who had been giving her full attention to Spike, suddenly pulled back from him and looked over at Dawn and made a little coo sound as a look of concern came to her face.

Spike looked at Dawn and concern was on his face too. "Are you alright Pet" Spike asked quietly?

Dawn shrugged her shoulders and then smiled at both of them. "Yeah, I'm fine. A little hung over, but I'm fine. Also, I need to pee."

A grin crossed Spikes lips and he chuckled. "Well come on then Niblet, let me show you the rest of this place. Wouldn't do for you to wet your knickers, now would it?" As he was saying this Spike had stood up with Joy still in his arms. Dawn hurriedly got to her feet also, but as she did her eyes started to tear up. "Now what's that for" Spike asked as he noticed the tears.

"It's nothing. Nothing really." Dawn said as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "It's just no one else has ever called me that but you and it made me think about how much I've missed you."

Joy reached out one arm to Dawn and Spike reached out with one of his and they both took Dawn into their arms and hugged her to them. Dawn wrapped her arms around both of them and hugged them back.

Monor revisions 12/04

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	14. Reunions 14

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Reunions / Part 14

Willow hadn't really planned to go back to Spikes place tonight, she had taken his concern about to many visits in a row to heart. The last thing in the world she wanted to do was to endanger Spike or any of his kids by drawing attention to them. But Faith had been insistent that they go, but had agreed that if Willow couldn't guarantee the area was clear of vamps and demons they would stay away. The four SUV's, full of slayers, had circled the warehouse area for over an hour as Willow worked her detection spell. Unfortunately Willow had detected several individual demons in the area and what appeared to be a group of about ten vampires moving through the area.

Faith had finally agreed to not going to Spikes warehouse, but had insisted that they could still have some fun, 'Slayer' fun that is. They all pulled into an empty lot and Faith warned the others of her plans. Willow pinpointed where the vampires were currently and the direction they seemed to be heading. They left the cars where they were, with two slayers staying behind to guard them, and the rest headed out down an alley to get into a position to ambush the vampires.

Once in position everyone went into hiding except Faith. Faith loved being the bait for these kinds of traps. She use to do it all the time at the Cleveland Hellmouth until the local vamps started to recognize her and would run away as soon as they saw her. But no one knew her here in L.A., so she insisted that she be the bait. Faith still loved being in the middle of a good fight and being the bait in a trap insured she would be in the middle of it.

They had been in position and waiting for over twenty minutes and the vampires still hadn't shown up. Faith was getting agitated by the delay and was starting to fidget. Willow was also concerned. If somehow the vampires had detected them and avoided them on purpose that could also mean that they might have been able to detect them the previous nights they had been to area. Which could mean they knew about the location of Spikes warehouse.

Willow had been hiding with Robin just inside the broken doorway of an empty building. She sat down on the floor and started casting out for the location of the vampire group. It only took her a few seconds to discover that they were only a block away, but they were also surrounding an old three story building. Willow had only been casting for vampires and demons in her spell, when she changed the wording a little she was able to detect that there were humans inside the building on the second floor. Willow realized immediately that the vampires surrounding the building were after the humans inside.

Willow didn't hesitate for a second, she was up off the floor and outside into the open. She concentrated and opened her mind and the minds of all the slayers and Robin and explained the situation in seconds. The whole group came out of their hiding places and as silent as ghosts moved down the ally in the direction of the vampires and the building where the humans were living. It only took minutes, but by the time they got there the vampires had already moved inside the building from both ground level and from the roof.

Faith didn't waste any time lamenting the planned ambush, she ran up the five steps to the building and kicked the front door open with a resounding crash. The stairs leading up to the second floor were to her right and she went charging up them, followed by all the slayers, Robin and Willow. Willow was at the back of the group, but she had several spells circling in the back of her mind, ready to call forward. She also had packets of magic powders in each hand to make bright balls of light when they were needed.

Being the first up the stairs Faith saw two vampires bursting through a doorway just down the hall from her. She headed in their direction as fast as she could run but before she could get there one of the vampires seemed to back out the doorway a half step and burst into dust. She heard noises behind her and looking back saw that three of the slayers were fighting with three vampires that she had run past without seeing. They were soon joined by other slayers and the vampires were dust in seconds. Robin and Willow had just topped the stairs and could see Faith hesitating just outside a doorway, but not entering.

Just as they rushed up to Faith they all heard a familiar voice calling out "Com'on now, com'on, can't have a party if you don't wan'na dance."

Willow popped one of the packets in her hand and threw the powder into the air in front of the doorway where a bright ball of light formed. She then called out loudly "Spike? Is that you?"

"Red? What the bloody hell are you do'n here?" Spike called back.

When Willow peeked around the edge of the doorway she could see Spike standing there in full vampire mode with a sword in one hand and a crossbow in the other. She could also see six other people with him, five of his older boys and Dawn, with crossbows in their hands. With her hands out in the open Willow stepped through the doorway. Spike started to relax until he saw Faith and Robin coming in behind her.

Faith didn't hesitate for a second, she walked into the room like she owned it and gave Spike a big grin. "Hey there Spike! What, you throwing a party and don't invite your friends?"

Spike let himself slip out of vampire mode, but kept his crossbow up and pointed past Faith toward the doorway where Robin was standing with a crossbow in his hands. "Well Luv" Spike drawled out, "There are friends and there are friends. The ones I was expecting arrived on time. Party crashers hav'ta be sorted out as they arrive."

Faith hadn't stopped walking toward Spike and when she got to him, without even hesitating, she wrapped her arms around him and gave him a big kiss on the lips, with sound effects and a girlish sigh at the end. "Yeah, that's the story of my life" she said as she grinned at him again. "Late to the ball and no glass slipper, but I got the Prince anyway."

Spike, looking past Faith, saw Robin smiling at Faiths words as he lifted the bolt from his crossbow and pointed it at the floor. Spike let his own crossbow point at the floor and took his finger off the trigger. "The questions still good you know. What are you lot of wanker's doing here. I know I didn't have you on the guest list." Spike looked over at Dawn and asked "Did you add them to the list Bit, without telling me?" Dawn gave Spike a big smile, but didn't say anything.

When Faith let go of Spike and took a step back she noticed for the first time what Dawn was wearing. She turned to Dawn and with her hands on her hips looked her up and down. "Damn girl, looking hot!" Faith said with just a touch of a leer in her eyes and in the tone of her voice. "If it wasn't for Robin being here I'd be all over you."

Dawn started to blush, she never had been able to tell when Faith was joking or not. When Robin walked up next to Faith and started to look her over too, she blushed even more. "Maybe we should jump her together" Robin said as he winked at Faith. Dawn started blushing even harder and totally lost her ability to speak until they both gave her a big smile.

"Grrr, you guys are terrible, you know that?" Dawn finally got out.

"What, isn't that what the outfit's for" Faith said innocently "make us all lust for your tender hot body?"

Dawn couldn't answer and just blushed even more. She was saved from having to respond when Spike asked again, "Question still not answered! What in the bloody hell are you lot doing here?" Spike looked over at Willow as if he expected her to answer him this time. But just as Willow started to speak the other slayers all came through the doorway and into the room. They reported to Faith and told her that they had got six of the vampires.

"Well that does it" Spike said with irritation in his voice, "that means two got away and can come back some other time." He signaled to one of his boys and the boy went to a closed door and opened it and went inside the other room. After a few moments the boy came back out leading six people, four adults and two young children. "Were going to have to find you a new place to stay, it's not safe here anymore."

Willow could see by the way the people were dressed and by how dirty their cloths were that they were homeless and had no money or anything else of value. She could also tell that all six of them were hungry. She shrugged her 'magic bag' off her shoulders and kneeling down she unzipped it and reaching inside she pulled out a sandwich and tried to hand it to one of the children. The child hung back until the woman she was clinging to pushed her forward to take the sandwich. Willow then pulled out another one and gave it to the other child. One of the women was looking at the sandwich her child was holding hungrily, but she didn't say or do anything. Willow reached back in the bag and kept pulling out sandwiches until all six of the people had one and were busy eating them. She then reached back inside and pulled out two pieces of candy and gave one to each of the children to have later.

As soon as the sandwiches were gone Spike started leading the people out of the room. They didn't hesitate to follow him, it was apparent that they trusted him implicitly. Spike led them out of the room and down the stairs to the first floor, then down the hall to more stairs leading to the basement. Willow, Faith, Robin, Dawn and all the slayers followed after Spike and his kids as they led the six homeless people through the basement to an opening in the floor that led to the sewers.

Before following Spike down into the sewers, Willow spoke to Vi and to the lead girl of Faiths slayers. Once Faith nodded her approval Vi led all of the slayers back the way they had come and out of the building so that they could scour the area above and then go back to their cars. Spike went down into the sewer first followed by Dawn and two of Spikes boys. The six homeless people went next, followed by Willow, Faith and Robin. Spikes other three boys came down last and closed the opening behind them.

When all fifteen of them were safely together Spike led the way through the dark. No one could see more than a few inches in the dark except for Spike. Everyone just kept one hand on the shoulder of the person in front of them and followed after Spike in single file. For about ten minutes they walked slowly through the pitch black dark not knowing where they were or where they were going. When they finally came to a steel ladder that led up everyone was relieved. Spike led the way up the ladder and pushed a manhole cover up and to one side. Dawn was right behind him like a shadow.

When they all emerged from the sewer they found themselves in the basement of another building. A block or two away from the one they had been in to start. There wasn't much more light in this basement than there had been in the sewer, but there was a little. Spike led off again and took everyone through the basement, up some stairs, down some stairs, through a half dozen doors that he had to open and closed behind them, out a door into the open night air, down a dark alley and into another building then up two flights of stairs. He finally led them through a doorway and once everyone was inside the room he closed the door behind him. One of his boys pulled a flashlight out of his pocket and turned it on. Why they hadn't used the flashlight earlier, especially when they were in the sewers, wasn't a question asked. This was Spikes territory, his mission and his call on security.

He led the people over to one side of the room and bending down found a Coleman lantern and lit it with a match. Once he adjusted the lantern they could all see that there were a dozen blankets folded and stacked against the wall and several boxes of canned goods. There were also a half dozen gallon jugs of fresh water. Spike led one of the men over to a doorway and opening it showed him that there was a toilet and several five gallon cans of water that could be used to make it flush. When Spike was sure that the people understood their situation he started to leave. One of the women wrapped her arms around him and hugged him. The two men and the other woman all shook his hand before he could leave.

Willow had watched Spike closely through all his interactions with these people and it was clearly apparent that he was uncomfortable with all of them except the children. When he finally left the room and one of the men locked it behind him Spike let out a big sigh of relief. He led them back down the flight of stairs and back into the dark alley which they followed keeping to the darkest shadows for about a block. He then led them into a building and through it, when he opened a door and stepped outside again they could all see the four SUV's parked about a hundred feet away. He had got them back to where they started. One of the doors on one of the SUV's opened and Vi stepped out and waved at them.

Spike had barely spoken a word since he started leading everyone out of the first building and into the sewers. Whenever he did speak it was to give orders or directions. Even when he was talking to the homeless people he had kept his talking to a minimum. When they got to the cars he turned to Willow and said "I'm going to take the boys home now, you can go where you want from here."

"Why can't we come with you" Willow asked? "I've been checking the area and there's nothing to worry about between here and your place."

"My boys like to unwind after I take them out like this" Spike explained abruptly. "They might not feel free to do that if you were around."

"Hey, my girls like to unwind too" Faith put in quickly. "Your place sounds like a better place to do it than back at the hotel. Just ask your boys if they'd mind partying with a bunch of horny girls who are high on adrenalin and want to burn some of it off."

One of the boys who was standing near enough to hear what Faith had said, spoke up immediately "Hey, we don't mind!"

Spike gave the boy a look to keep quiet, but the boy just smiled at him. After a few moments a lopsided grin spread over his face and he nodded. "Okay, but remember one thing. Anyone of these girls could rip your head off and hand it back to you. Just thought you should know that, in advance."

The boy just shrugged his shoulders and smiled back at Spike. Spike gave a smile back at the boy and said "Your funeral."

They all got into the SUV's and after Willow made sure the area was clear they drove to Spikes warehouse to have a party and unwind.

Minor revisions 12/04

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	15. Reunions 15

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Reunions / Part 15

When Willow called Giles at 2:30AM her time in L.A. it had been 10:30 AM in London, there was an eight hour difference in time zones. She had explained everything she had learned and every new thing she was guessing at from things that Spike had mentioned while they had talked. She also explained that she had very little new information about Spikes daughter Joy, except that she appeared to be an empathic telepath who besides being able to read minds could also read emotions.

Giles had written everything down as Willow told him. When he was finished and had thought about it for a few minutes he told Willow that he would be telling Buffy everything either sometime today or the next morning at the latest. He explained that he had to make some calls and arrangements in advance of telling Buffy, but within the next twenty-four hours they should be on their way to Los Angeles.

Giles spent the next two hours making phone calls and special arrangements. He then sat down at his computer and started from the beginning and wrote up every fact and conjecture that had occurred to anyone since Robin and Faith had talked to Clem and they had decided to contact Giles. By that time it was 4:30PM.. At 5:00PM his secretary buzzed him to let him know that the Coven had just confirmed that three of their members would be in London by 9:00PM that night. He then made a call to arrange for the ladies from the Coven to be put up for the night at a hotel close to the airport and arranged for them to be picked up and transported there when they arrived, and taken to the airport again in the morning.

At 5:30PM he left his office and drove to his home where he showered, dressed in some comfortable cloths, had dinner alone, and after dinner spent a quiet hour listening to music and drinking brandy. At 8:00PM he went to bed. At 2:00AM he got up, shaved carefully and dressed. When he came out of his home there was a mini-bus parked out in front of it with six young women and a driver already in it.. The bus could carry twelve people and their luggage easily. From his home the driver took them straight to Buffy's home where he arrived at 3:00AM.

Giles already knew that Buffy would not have been out on any kind of patrol the previous evening and with Dawn out of town, unless she had stayed up for a movie, she had probably gone to bed around 10:00PM. That would mean that she had already had some sleep. After knocking on the door loudly he waited on the doorstep for Buffy to answer. It took a couple of minutes before the door opened and Buffy appeared. Her first words to Giles were to ask if something was wrong with Dawn, had anything happened to her. When he assured her Dawn was fine, she then asked if it was Willow or Xander or Faith or Robin or Angel. When he assured her on each count that the person she was concerned about was fine she asked him what he was doing at her place at three in the morning if nothing was wrong.

"I didn't say that nothing was wrong Buffy" Giles said to her calmly. "In fact there is something very important that is happening and were going to have to make a trip to the States. I already have our flight booked and we have to be at the airport by 5:00AM to check our luggage and get our boarding passes. You need to get dressed and pack enough clothing for at least a week."

Buffy stood there with her mouth hanging open, then snapped it shut. "What's wrong Giles? Is something big happening at the Hellmouth? Is it another apocalypse?"

"No, nothing is happening in Cleveland and there isn't any apocalypse that I'm aware of, but it is important. Were catching the 6:00AM flight to Los Angeles, there's someone there we have to go see."

A stubborn look settled on Buffy's face as she said "No, I'm not going."

"Yes, you are" Giles said calmly. "I have six slayers outside who will tie you up and gag you, if necessary, to get you on that plane. So stop wasting time and get dressed and packed. If I have to have the girls come in and pack for you I will tell them to pack the ugliest of everything you have and to be certain that nothing matches anything else."

"You wouldn't dare" Buffy said loudly.

Giles walked to the door and after opening it he waved at the people inside the bus. Buffy heard the bus door open and seconds later six of the most senior slayers, all of them survivors of the Sunnydale Hellmouth and members of the 'Inner Circle', came through the door. "Now you know perfectly well that you won't do anything to any of these girls that would permanently injure them" Giles continued on, speaking calmly. "But you also know that they don't have to be as concerned about injuring you. So the choice is yours, do what I tell you to do or do what I'm willing to force you to do."

Buffy stood there fuming for a full minute before she could speak. "Your going to pay for this Giles, and the rest of you too." She then stormed out of her living room and went to her bedroom. Giles gave a signal and two of the slayers followed after Buffy.

By 4:00AM Buffy had showered, dressed and packed one large bag and one small one. The two slayers who had stayed with her the whole time came out of her bedroom carrying her bags. Buffy had refused to speak to either one of them the whole time. Once they were back in the living room Giles opened the front door and motioned for all of them to precede him and locked the door behind him as he left. Once Buffy got on the bus Giles sat down next to her. She refused to speak to him for the whole drive to the airport.

Once at the airport a porter loaded all of their luggage on a big push cart and followed the eight of them to the ticket agent where they received their boarding passes and the luggage was tagged and sent to be loaded on the plane. As they waited, Buffy was still refusing to talk to anyone, eight more slayers and three women from the Coven arrived at the ticket counter to collect their boarding passes and to check their luggage. At 5:45AM the announcement was made that they could now board their plane.

Just before getting on the plane Buffy stopped and turned to Giles "Wait, what about Dawn? I didn't leave her a message."

"Don't worry about Dawn" Giles replied, "She already knows where your going. She's been in Los Angeles for two days already, trying to prepare things in advance. Willow has been there four days, Faith and Robin should have arrived yesterday afternoon. Angel and Nina left last night on a special airplane. We'll still get to Los Angeles before them, that's why we didn't fly with them. They should arrive after dark tonight in Los Angeles, just in time for our meeting."

During all this conversation Giles had been moving Buffy down the aisle toward her seat. Buffy wanted the aisle seat but Giles insisted she take the window seat. Once she sat down Giles sat down next to her. Buffy became aware that all of the seats both in front of and behind her were filled by slayers and that the seats across the aisle were filled with the women from the Coven and more slayers. Buffy had been to mad to notice earlier but all of the slayers on the plane were members of the 'Inner Circle' and survivors of the Sunnydale Hellmouth. She hadn't seen some of them for years, others she saw all the time. When she did a head count there were only three missing.

"Where's Vi, Ruth and Kennedy" she asked Giles with a note of nervous tension in her voice.

"Vi is with Willow, Ruth is with Angel and Nina, and Kennedy should arrive from Rio de Janeiro with Xander sometime this afternoon" Giles responded in a calm measured voice.

As the full impact of who was on the plane registered, added to the names of who Giles had said were already in Los Angeles or would arrive sometime during the day, a sense of dread filled Buffy. There was only one person missing, "Where's Andrew?"

"He's in the back of the plane. You'll understand why he's back there in a little while. But first I have something to tell you and something for you to read that is very important" Giles continued in a calm quiet voice as he opened his briefcase and extracted a folder of type filled pages.

The way Giles was speaking to Buffy was freaking her out. He sounded like a doctor trying to prepare the patient before telling them that they were fatally ill and had only days to live. As that thought crossed Buffy's mind a grim smile crossed her lips.

"Okay Giles, what do you have to tell me and what do I have to read that's so important?" Buffy said quietly.

"We found out five days ago that Spike is alive and living in Los Angeles" Giles replied.

Buffy sat in her seat in total shock for a full minute or more as she tried to comprehend what Giles had just said. When the full impact finally got through to her she started to stand up. Giles blocked her and pushed her back down into her seat. "Where do you think your going now" he asked quietly but forcefully.

Buffy's mind was very confused, she didn't know how to answer the question. "To Spike, I have to get to Spike" it was all she could think of to say.

"Do you really think you can get to Spike any faster by getting off this plane" Giles asked?

Buffy sat there feeling even more confused. Her mind was whirling around, she couldn't seem to think straight at all. Spike alive Los Angeles got to get there how long where has he been does he have his soul I don't care I don't care Spike alive where is he why didn't he call how long has he been back I don't care Spike is alive Spike is alive

For long minutes Buffy sat there looking off into nothing trying to process what Giles had said. She didn't even notice when the plane took off and started climbing for altitude. She was still staring into space when the signal was given to the passengers that they could remove their seatbelts. When all of the words beyond 'Spike is alive' finally registered on her conscious mind Buffy turned to Giles and almost with a growl in her voice asked "Why didn't you tell me sooner? Why didn't you tell me immediately? Why did you hide it from me? Why did you do this to me?" With each question Buffy's voice got louder and louder.

Giles looked at her and trying to stay calm, replied "Because we didn't know if he still had his soul. Because we didn't know if we could force it back into him. Because we didn't know if we were going to have to kill him before you found out he was alive. Because we love you so much we would rather die ourselves than see you come to harm."

Buffy was stunned by what Giles had just said to her. When she was finally able to process it she looked at him with eyes full of pleading and barely whispered "Does he? Does he still have his soul?"

"Yes Buffy, he still has his soul. He's still a good man in his heart" Giles said to her quietly.

Buffy sat there not saying a word as tears flowed from her eyes. She finally leaned forward and buried her face in Giles chest and let herself cry until she couldn't cry anymore. Giles held her as she cried and at some point he started crying with her. When a stewardess tried to see what was going on, two of the slayers stopped her from getting near Buffy and Giles and told her it was a family thing and she shouldn't bother them.

When Buffy was finally able to sit up the tears had finally stopped but her eyes were red and puffy. One of the women from the Coven handed a wet washcloth across the aisle to Giles, who handed it to Buffy. The cloth was wrapped around pieces of ice. Buffy held the cold cloth to her face and eyes as she sat back in her seat and tried to breath normally. Giles spent this time getting himself back under control.

When he finally felt that Buffy was ready Giles handed the folder to her and told her to read it carefully and to think about each paragraph carefully. There were twenty pages of single spaced typing. It started with Faith and Robin meeting up with Clem and talking about the old days in Sunnydale and Clem mentioning a friend telling him about another old friend he thought he had seen in a fight between humans and vampires in Los Angeles. It went on to Faith and Robin calling Giles. Then on and on through every detail that Willow had been able to learn from Spike after she found him and found out he still had his soul. It told about every fact they had and every conjecture they had made. When it got to the part about Spike having a daughter and her name being Joy, Buffy started crying again and couldn't read for awhile.

When she had herself back under control she started reading again. When she got to the part about Andrew having known that Spike was alive and living in L.A., working with Angel, Buffy started muttering to herself. When she got to the part about Spike and Angel being in Rome and Andrew telling them both that Buffy was in love with the Immortal she started muttering louder that she was going to kill the little weasel. But when she got to the part where Spike had told Willow and Dawn that he has seen Buffy dancing and that she was so happy and full of life that he couldn't bear the thought of coming back into her life and hurting her again, she started crying.

On the last page of the typed report Giles had added that he had contacted everyone else who had been at the Hellmouth with Spike and had given them the option of coming to Los Angeles to meet with Spike again. Everyone of them had said they wanted to go. He concluded by stating that he had held off telling Buffy until the last minute because he was unsure how she would react and was afraid she would just go rushing off on her own and leave the rest of them behind.

Buffy sat quietly for a long time not saying or doing anything. When she did move, it was to pick up the report and start reading through it again, a little faster this time. When she got to the last page and the last line she lifted her head and looked over at Giles who had been watching her read and then reread the report for the past two hours. She gave him a weak little smile, tears forming in her eyes again, and in a barely audible voice whispered "Thank You", then turned her face to the window and let herself cry.

Somewhere in the middle of her crying and emotional exhaustion Buffy had slipped off into a troubled sleep. She started dreaming of her last minute with Spike, at the Hellmouth with the whole earth shaking and Spike standing in a shaft of light. She dreamt of taking his hand in hers and the both of them bursting into flame with out any pain or injury. She dreamt of telling him "I love you" and Spike looking at her with his soul shining through his eyes as he replied "No you don't, but thanks for saying it". When she got to that part of the dream it woke her up.

Buffy looked over at Giles, who had noticed her abrupt awakening and was watching her. She felt fresh tears forming as she said to Giles in a pain filled voice "When I told him I loved him, he didn't believe me Giles. He thought I was just saying it because he was going to die. More than anything else in the world I wish he would have believed me. Now it might be to late."

"It's never to late to tell someone you love them Buffy" Giles said in a choked voice. "It's never to late!"

"But he found someone else to love him. He has a daughter. He has a child." Buffy said as her tears choked her voice into a rasp.

"Yes Buffy, he does have someone to love, a little girl that he named Joy. A little girl that Dawn claims looks exactly like you. A little girl who might not be his own daughter but his adopted daughter, Buffy. Willow said that all the children that Spike takes care of are orphans and he calls all of them his children. Buffy, we don't know everything yet. We barely have any information on the little girl at all. Please hold on. Please wait until you see him and learn more. Please don't let yourself fade away."

"I won't Giles, I won't fade away. At least not until I see him again. I have to tell him that I love him. I have to make him believe me this time. It doesn't matter if he doesn't love me anymore." Buffy choked as she said these last words. "That's a lie Giles, it does matter. It matters more than anything else in the world to me and I don't know how to get past that. When I thought he was dead, all I could think of was how much I missed him. But knowing he's alive and that he might not love me anymore is breaking my heart. I don't want to live without him Giles. I don't think I can live without him, not anymore."

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	16. Reunions 16

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Reunions / Part 16

The music was loud enough to hear and dance to, but not so loud that it would shake the building or be heard outside. Spikes boys and girls, at least the older ones, were mixed with the slayers in the middle of the room dancing to the pounding beat and burning off the adrenalin they had built up in their systems. Some of the younger boys and girls were hanging around the edges dancing with each other or watching the older kids dance. The youngest of the kids were sitting off to one side watching the dancing and talking. No one was sleeping tonight.

Because of the life they led and the dangers they had to face it wasn't unusual for Spikes kids to be up all night and sleep during the daylight hours. Daytime meant safety, darkness meant danger. Daytime was the time for sleep and for the older kids to go out and do the things that were necessary for them all to live. Darkness was the time to be ready for fight or flight. Spikes kids were different from other kids their ages, they knew the truth about the night, when things go bump you really did need to be afraid.

Spike was sitting on his cushion close to the door with Dawn sitting next to him, leaning against his shoulder with one arm tucked under his. Willow was sitting on the floor near Dawns feet. Faith and Robin were sitting opposite her at Spikes feet. Joy was currently sitting in Robins lap as she watched the interaction between all the others and Spike. She had been in everyone's lap at one time or another and no one seemed to mind when she wanted to sit in their lap or move on to someone else's.

Willow and Spike were the only ones who were truly aware of what she was doing. Besides being a telepath, Joy was also an empath and could sense the emotions in others. The fact that she was sitting in Robins lap and seemed perfectly content to stay there had made Spike feel a lot more at ease. He knew that he and Robin would never be 'best friends', or maybe not even 'friends'. There was to much between them for that, but Joys reaction to Robin was proof that there wasn't any danger or hostile feelings.

There were two empty brandy bottles on the floor and Spike was just passing a third one he had just opened to Faith when he asked, "Tell me how that works again, I still don't get it?"

Willow smiled at him as she fiddled with a little blue stone that Joy had given to her earlier. "It's simple, I put something into the bag, say the magic words and presto. As long as I don't take the original out of the bag I can keep pulling exact copies out, for as long as I want."

"No, no, I get that part" Spike said as he nodded his head. "What I don't get is how you can keep putting stuff in the bag. Look at the silly thing, it's barely bigger than a loaf of bread."

"That's the neat part" Willow said with a grin. "I'm not putting things into the bag, I'm putting them into separate realities, like little pockets. There are thousands of them and anything small enough to fit into the bag will fit into one of the pockets. All I do is say a magic word and a pocket opens up inside the bag. When I say another word I can pull the original thing out of the pocket or say a different word and pull a copy out of the pocket. It's Simple!"

"So" Spike said as he tilted his head and looked over at Willow with an inquisitive look on his face. "if I gave you some money and you put it in the bag, you could keep reaching in and pulling out more and more money?"

Willow got a thoughtful look on her face before answering. "Well I could, I guess, but I wouldn't. You see, the copies aren't really real, they fade away after about a week or so."

"So" Spike said with a puzzled look on his face, "think about all the things you could buy with it before it faded away."

"Conscience bother you much?" Faith asked as she raised her eyebrows and looked over at Spike with curiosity.

"Yeah, it does" Spike replied seriously, "more than you'd ever believe Pet. But when you got forty kids to take care of and a few dozen more like the ones we saved tonight, you'd be surprised how much a conscience will let slip through the cracks when your trying to feed hungry people."

"How bad is it" Robin asked after several moments of silence "the money thing, or getting enough food for everyone?"

Spike looked over at Robin and shrugged his shoulders. "We get by, most of the time. Some of the kids have part time day jobs, that helps. We have some friends in the city that help us out regular like too. Sometimes we even take special jobs, protecting things or people as they move through the underworld. But a little extra never hurts. That's why I let Red here bribe her way in the other night. It's been a long time for some of these kids since they had pizzas and burgers and ice cream."

"That's not how we meant it Spike" Willow hurried to say. "I mean, I guess it was a bribe, in a way, but it wasn't a bribe bribe. It was more of a friendly bribe. You know what I mean?"

"I know what you mean Luv, an don't think I'm ungrateful for all the stuff you gave the kids. With all you gave we're in pretty good shape right now. But sometimes it hurts" Spike said as he laid his hand over his heart "to see them doing without so much, and never a complaint from a one of them. Their good kids, they deserve better than they got out of this life."

Joy, who had been sitting quietly in Robins lap, squirmed out of it and went over to Spike and sat down across his lap. She put her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. Spike wrapped his arms around her and hugged her back. She started cooing quietly to him and after a few moments Spike started cooing back.

Everyone sat quietly for several minutes while Spike and Joy held each other as they cooed quietly to each other. Dawn and Willow were use to these demonstrations of love and affection between the two of them. Faith and Robin were seeing it for the first time and although they weren't shocked or surprised they were deeply moved by the bond that was so apparent.

Faith had been holding on to the bottle of brandy since Spike had handed it to her. She took a long pull off the bottle and passed it to Robin, who took a swallow and passed it on to Willow. Faith, who was never one to put off doing what needed to be done, cleared her throat and said quietly "Tell us about Joy."

Spike had been sitting with his eyes closed as he and Joy held each other and cooed into each others ears. When Faith spoke his eyes opened and he looked at her and then at the others. He took in a deep breath and held it, a look of pain and then of determination to face the inevitable crossed his face. He whispered something in Dawns ear and she looked up at him, nodded her head, gave him a kiss on the cheek and with his help got up from his lap. She looked at the four people sitting around her and gave them all a sad little smile, then walking away from them went over to join the other small children watching the older ones dancing.

Once she was gone, Spike pulled his cigarettes and lighter out of his pocket and lit one up. He drew in a deep breath of smoke and held it in his lungs for long seconds then let it slowly out. Dawn, who had been sitting next to him, moved forward and turned sideways so she could see his face. Willow took a sip off the brandy bottle and held it out toward Spike. Dawn took it from her hand and passed it to Spike. Spike took the bottle in his hand before saying "Been waiting for that for two days now. This lot" Spike nodded his head toward Dawn and Willow "been dancing around all polite like dodging the question they been dying to ask."

"You know me Spike, no manners" Faith said with a small smile to take any sting or criticism out of her words. "But we need to know the truth about her."

Spike looked at each of them, Dawn, Willow, Robin and Faith, and could see that it was time. He lifted the brandy bottle to his lips and took several long swallows, then passed the bottle to Faith. He sat back against the wall and took another long drag off his cigarette.

"I got a friend named Anne. She was a friend of Charles and Angel, before I ended up here in L.A.. She runs a shelter for kids that need help. She was a friend of Tyron too. Anyway, once I was able to get up and walk again, after the … fight, I started helping Tyron to look out for the people in the neighborhood and the kids on the street. Tyron had a group of youngsters that were trying to keep the vampires from taking over his home turf and had been doing pretty good at it for awhile. But after Angel was kil…, after Angel was gone, things started getting harder. More vampires were showing up in the city all the time. We'd rescued a group of kids that were sheltering up in an abandoned building and ended up taking them to Anne for safety."

Spike lit up another cigarette before continuing to talk. "At first Anne didn't trust me all that much, being a vampire an all, but after awhile we started to get along alright. It turns out that I had met her once, years earlier in Sunnydale where I tried to kill her, so it made sense her not trusting me an all. Anyway, with us getting along better an all that, what with us saving kids and sending them off to her for help, she started telling us about more kids in the area that could use a little looking out for now and then."

"Joys mother was an orphan or a runaway, don't really know, living on the streets when she showed up at Anne's place pregnant. Anne had been helping her out as much as she could, but the girl wouldn't come into the shelter to stay and wouldn't go into foster care or anything. After the baby was born she was even more afraid to get help, afraid someone would take her baby away from her. About five years ago Anne sent word to Tyron and asked us to keep an eye on the girl and her baby cause she was living in a neighborhood that was seeing some vampire action." Spike took another long drag off his cigarette and seeing that Faith was still holding the brandy bottle took it back from her and took a long swallow, then passed it back to her.

"The girl had started going to places for food an stuff for the little girl and ended up coming back from someplace after dark. Me, Tyron and a couple of his boys were on our way to her place to check on her when we heard her screaming. She should have known better, but she'd gone down an alley to get to the back of her building and some vampires jumped her. By the time we got to the alley the girl was dead and one of the vampires had the little girl cornered and was playing with her, like a cat with a mouse. We jumped them right away and dusted them, but like I said, it was to late for the girl. When Tyron tried to approach the little girl she started screaming and ran right past him and wrapped her arms around my leg and held on tight."

Spike sat there smoking his cigarette while the others sat around him in silence. They knew that wasn't the end of the story and waited for Spike to continue. Faith and Robin sat stoically without any expression on their faces, both had seen to many deaths over the years to be shocked by the death of another. Willow had her head bowed as she played with the little blue stone. Dawn didn't say anything either, but she reached out and put her hand on Spikes knee. When he looked up at her he could see tears in her eyes.

"That's when it happened, when she touched me" Spike finally continued. "When she touched me I could feel everything she was feeling, her pain, fear, loss, everything. I could feel that as she held on to me she felt safe, that I would protect her. I could feel that she knew what I was, she knew I was a vampire, just like the monsters that had just killed her mother and would have killed her, but she knew I would keep her safe, she trusted me to protect her. That's what I've been doing the past five years, protecting her and loving her. She's part of my heart now. She's the best part of whatever I am or will ever be."

Spike found the last bottle of brandy, ripped the seal off and opened the bottle. He took a long drink and sitting the bottle down lit another cigarette. "We couldn't do anything for the girl, so we took the little one back to where we were staying and sent someone to fetch Anne. Tyron called the police and reported a dead girl in an alley, that's all we could do for her. When Anne got to our place she tried to take Joy, she was going to take her back to her place and call Family Services or someone. When she touched the girl to take her away, Joy sent a mental bolt of something into her head and knocked her out cold. She wouldn't let anyone but me touch her or hold her. I could feel that she was sorry for hurting Anne, but she didn't want to leave me. Once Anne woke up she agreed to let the girl stay with me until she was calmer. We figured that once she did calm down it would be safe for Anne to take her away. But after a few weeks turned into a few months it just never happened."

"Also Niblet, just so you know" Spike said as he reached out and laid one hand on top of Dawns, "Everyone calls her Joy, cause she makes us all happy, but that's not her full name. Anne said the mothers name was Sarah, she never knew her last name, but she didn't know the little girls name at all. Sarah had never told Anne or anyone else the girls name, she just called her 'baby'. I didn't do it right away, give her a name that is, but after I found out when she was born, the date and what time, I asked her if I could call her Joyce and she agreed. I didn't think you'd mind to much."

"Why would I mind? I don't understand" Dawn choked out as a tear ran slowly down her cheek. "What does date and time have to do with giving her my moms name?"

Spike picked up the brandy bottle and took another drink then passed the bottle to Dawn. "Take a drink, your going to need it" Spike told Dawn gently. When Dawn had finished taking a large swallow, Spike took the bottle back and took another drink himself

Spike glanced at the others sitting around him waiting for him to continue. "When you look at Dawn how old do you think she is, six, maybe seven? She's actually older than she looks. In a couple of days, day after this one, at noon, she'll be eight years old."

When he looked around at everyone Spike could see that the significance of what he had just told them hadn't registered. "I told you Sarah went to Anne when she was pregnant. On May 20th, 2003 Anne helped deliver Joyce at noon, at her shelter."

Willow was the first to understand. He eyes got big and her mouth formed an O. "Remember why we went to the Hellmouth late that morning" Spike asked them all? "We wanted the sun to be at it's brightest in case any of those Turok-Han vampires got out of the building. Buffy, the potentials and I went down into the Hellmouth while Willow and the rest stayed above us to cast the spell that was suppose to awaken the slayer powers in all the potentials. Well, from what I can tell it did more than that, it awakened the slayer powers in all the potentials around the world. By my best guess the spell took affect just about noon, the same time Joyce was born."

"Oh my Goddess" Willow exclaimed. "But, but it can't be! I checked Joy the first night I saw her. She doesn't have any of the emanations the other slayers show."

"You can't even detect me in this room if I don't want you to" Spike said as he lifted the cross hanging around his neck on a chain. "Joy wears one under her dress, you just haven't seen it yet."

"Oh my Goddess" Willow repeated in a hushed voice of wonder.

"Sarah gave birth to Joyce, but Willow's spell and Buffy's slayer powers made her what she is now. "

"Are you saying she's a slayer" Faith asked?

"I think she's a slayer and more than a slayer. I think she's a Guardian" Spike said emphatically.

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	17. Reunions 17

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Reunions / Part 17

"Oh my Goddess" Willow said again. "Spike, are you sure, about her being a Guardian I mean?"

"I don't know for sure about anything, Pet" Spike said calmly, "but I've got some friends that are pretty sure she's more than a slayer." To emphasize his meaning he held up the cross so she could see it again. "They're pretty powerful in the magic mojo stuff and they think so."

"What does that mean" Robin asked "being a Guardian?"

"It means she could live for thousands of years, for one thing" Dawn said quietly.

"Do you mean she's and Immortal like Bu…. like the 'Immortal' I mean" Robin stumbled through the question?

"No, I don't think so" Willow replied to him. "I think they just live for a really long time. Caleb killed the last Guardian, so that sort of eliminates being immortal. But I don't really know what else it means. We never even heard of the Guardians until Buffy got the Scythe. Giles and the Coven have been looking all over the world for references to them for years and haven't found anything. We don't even know what it is that they did. Buffy said the Guardian told her that they came before the Slayers and that they killed the last true demon with the Scythe. The Guardian told her that the Watchers watched the Slayers and the Guardians watched the Watchers. That's all we really know about them."

"Bloody hell" Spike said with a sharpness in his voice as he looked at Willow intently. "Do you mean to say that after all this time that's all you know? The only reason I told you anything about Joy at all was so you'd share information about the Guardians. If I'd known you didn't know anything I wouldn't have bothered."

"Spike that's not fair" Willow said "with the last Guardian dead and the temple in Sunnydale destroyed there wasn't anywhere else to go for information. We've looked all over the world for temples like the one that was in Sunnydale and we've had researchers going through every ancient text we could get our hands on. But when the Bringers destroyed the old Counsel they destroyed the library too. We've spent eight years trying to build it back up, but we haven't found anything about the Guardians anywhere.

"Well, you can add this to what you didn't know before. Joy has slayer speed and strength, she heals quickly and doesn't get sick, she's a telepath and an empath, and if she wants to she can walk through a crowd of people and no one will notice she's there" Spike told them. "My friends also tell me she may someday develop powerful magic abilities, they can see the potential in her."

Spike had just finished saying this when Joy touched the side of his face and everyone noticed for the first time that she was standing next to him. Spike reached up and brushed a lock of hair out of Joy's eyes and smiled at her. Joy made a little cooing sound and Spike stood up. When he was standing he picked Joy up in his arms and said to the others still sitting on the floor, "My girls feeling tired now, were going to rest up for a bit." He stepped between Robin and Willow and walked to their little room and carried Joy inside.

"We should tell him the truth, all of it" Dawn plead emphatically to the others. "Spike has a right to know what happened that day. He needs to know about Buffy."

Willow sat with her head bowed playing with the little blue stone in her hand. "What do you think Faith?" she finally asked, still not raising her head.

"I think Dawns right. Spike does have a right to know. I just don't know if we should be the ones to tell him" Faith said to the group. "If Giles has told Buffy that Spikes alive you know she'll be here in a day or two and Giles will probably be with her. In fact, I'm certain he'll be with her. Why can't it wait until they get here. It's Buffy's secret to tell, not ours."

"It's our secret too Faith, all of ours" Dawn said vehemently. "We came here looking for Spike and asked him to trust us. What kind of trust are we showing him if we don't trust him enough to tell him the truth."

"What do you think Robin" Willow asked, this time looking up and looking into Robins eyes as she asked the question.

Robin didn't say anything for several moments as he thought about his answer. When he answered he looked at Dawn instead of Willow. "Dawn, I'm sorry, but I don't think we have a right to tell Spike everything yet." When he saw the hurt in Dawns eyes and then the anger that was building there he spoke again. "Look, I know you trust Spike, you'd trust him with your life. If you want the truth, I'd probably trust him with my life too. But were not talking about your life or my life, were talking about Buffy's life. Spike hasn't seen or talked to Buffy for eight years. Not once in all that time did he call her, or any of us, to say he was alive. I just don't think we have the right to tell him until after we've had a chance to talk to Giles at least. We learned some pretty interesting stuff tonight, especially about the little girl. The fact that she might be a slayer is one thing, but being a Guardian is something else all together different. As far as we knew the only people affected by the change were in the Hellmouth when it happened. Now we've got a young girl that was apparently born at the very moment of the change and she has powers we've never seen before. I just think we need to wait awhile longer."

"Willow, please!" Dawn was almost begging now. "It's not right."

"No, Dawn, I'm sorry." Willow said as she raised her head again and looked over at Dawn. "Your right, Spike has a right to be told. But we don't have the right to tell him. Not until after we talk to Giles, and to Buffy. They'll be here today, or tomorrow. Spike hasn't know for eight years, another day or two won't matter, not in the long run."

"Your wrong, all of you, your wrong" Dawn said as her anger and frustration at the others made tears come to her eyes. Dawn suddenly leaned over the cushion and picked up the brandy bottle that Spike had set down on the floor when Joy had come for him. She picked it up and finding about three inches of brandy still in the bottle turned it up and swallowed it down as fast as she could swallow. The burning in her throat made her gag , but she kept swallowing until it was all gone. She looked around and seeing the bottle that Spike had passed to Faith sitting next to her, she said angrily "You gonna drink that or keep it as a souvenir?"

Faith bristled at Dawns tone and attitude and was about to snap a reply back at her when Robin touched her arm. She glanced over at him, still riled up. He shook his head, just a little, to signal her not to say anything. Faith clenched her teeth, picked up the bottle and handed it neck first to Dawn.

Dawn took the bottle without responding to Faith. She checked the bottle and could see that there was still about half of it's content left. She turned up the bottle and took a couple of large swallows. With the bottle still in her hand she scooted back on the cushion until she could lean against the wall. She looked at the others, still angry, and took another drink.

"Dawn" Willow said quietly, trying to get Dawn to respond to her. When Dawn refused to even look in her direction, Willow said soothingly "Dawn, please sweetie, it'll only be another day or two." Dawn looked in Willows direction angrily, then turned her head away as she took another drink from the bottle. "Dawnie" Willow said, her voice almost a plea "please understand!"

"That's enough Will" Robin said quietly. "If she wants to act like a child instead of an adult, that's her choice. Just remember Dawn, it's not your place to tell Spike anything. It's a Counsel decision and the vote is three to one against you telling him any secrets."

"You bastard" Dawn said angrily! "You still hate him don't you? He died and you hate him for coming back, don't you?"

Before Robin or anyone else could respond, Spike said in a commanding tone of voice "That's enough Bit, you've said to much already." Dawn looked up and the others looked behind them. None of them knew how long Spike had been standing there or what he had heard. Dawn raised the bottle to take another drink.

Spike stepped around Faith and knelt down next to Dawn and stopped her from drinking anymore of the brandy. "You've had enough Pet. You drink anymore and you'll be bloody sick in the morning."

"I wanna be sick" Dawn said softly as tears ran from her eyes. "I don't wanna wake up and feel good Spike, I wanna feel bad."

"Don't worry Luv, you'll get your wish. Let's just not make it any worse than it has to be" Spike said quietly. "It's time to put you to bed where you'll be nice an safe." Saying this Spike scooped Dawn up in his arms and stood up. He looked down on Willow, Robin and Faith with a cold distant look. "I don't know what you said to hurt her so much and I don't want to know, but I think it's time you go."

"Spike" Willow said pleadingly "we didn't say anything to hurt her on purpose. We just had a disagreement about something. Please don't be mad at us."

"I'm not mad, Red" Spike said with a cold distant voice. "Dawn can stay for as long as she wants and leave when she wants. The rest of you have out stayed your welcome, that's all."

Spike turned his back on the three sitting on the floor and carried Dawn over to his little room and ducking down carried her inside. He knelt down and carefully laid her in his bed next to Joy. He stepped out of his room and signaled to one of his older boys. When the boy came over Spike talked to him briefly. The boy nodded his head and walked over to where the CD player was still playing music for the few people still dancing. He reached down and shut it off. The sudden quiet drew everyone's attention. The boy gave a few quiet orders and all of Spikes kids separated themselves from the slayers they had just been socializing with a minute before.

The slayers didn't know what was going on and looked over to Willow, Faith and Robin for guidance. Faith and Robin had gotten to their feet, Willow was still sitting on the floor with her head bent. When Vi and Sara approached her to see what was going on they saw that Willow was crying quietly. All of the slayers started congregating around their leaders, still not understanding what had just happened or why Willow was crying.

Before getting up, Willow pulled her 'magic bag' over to herself and opened it. She started pulling things out and laying them out on the floor. The last thing she pulled out was a rolled up cloth bag. She put all of the other things into the cloth bag and standing with her 'magic bag' in one hand and the cloth bag in the other she walked over to Spike. "Dawn might want these in the morning" Willow said quietly. The tear streaks down her cheeks were plainly visible. "It's just a change of cloths, and stuff she'll need."

Willow held out the bag to Spike and after a few long moments he accepted the bag from her without saying anything to her. When Willow heard the steel door being opened she knew it was her signal to leave. She turned away to see if everyone else was ready to leave. When she turned back to Spike he had already walked away from her and was entering his little room. A fresh tear ran down her cheek as she led the way out the door.

When Spike reentered his room he saw Dawn laying on her side sleeping. Joy had moved into Dawns arms, which were wrapped around her protectively. Spike adjusted the blanket over both of them and laid down next to them. He laid there for quite awhile staring up at the ceiling trying not to think, about anything.

When he heard Dawn making sounds in her sleep he sat up. He could see she was having a bad dream and that her dream was affecting Joy, causing her to become restless too. He laid back down and rolling on his side he spooned himself up to Dawn and draped his arm over both her and Joy in a protective way. They both seemed to quiet down almost immediately and he could hear their breathing deepen as they both fell into a deeper sleep.

Spike continued to lay there but could no longer pretend even to himself that he wasn't thinking. His mind was focused on this young woman who was so different from the young girl he had once known, and at the same time so much like her. With time and distance he'd thought he'd gotten past those feelings. He thought that his life with Joy and the love they felt for each other was all he needed. But the past day and two nights had shown him that he was wrong. This woman/child still had a hold on his heart and he laid there quietly praying to whatever gods might be listening that he wouldn't have to lose her again to soon. He knew she would have to leave, she had a life of her own out there in the world where she lived. But another day, or two, wasn't that much to ask for, was it?

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	18. Reunions 18

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Reunions / Part 18

Bolts of lightening seemed to be tearing through her brain, again and again. Each bolt seemed to be stronger as they continued. The pain became so intense it forced Dawn to open her eyes. With her eyes open she became confused because she didn't know where she was or what was causing the pain. It slowly came to her that the bolts of lightening tearing through head were accompanied by a ringing sound. She realized there was a phone ringing somewhere but she didn't know where that somewhere could be.

Someone came into the room with her and she could hear them doing something. She rolled over on her back and saw a man in black trying to open a bag or something. When he finally got it open he reached inside and pulled the ringing phone out of it. The ringing was even louder now and made Dawn wince in pain as she raised her hands to her ears and covered them. When the ringing finally stopped she opened her eyes again. The man in black was still there but he was all blurry and she couldn't tell who it was. The thought went through her mind that hopefully it was someone who had come to put her out of her misery.

When the man moved toward her on his hands and knees she started blinking her eyes rapidly trying to clear them. When he was right over her she was finally able to see his face, it was Spike. A memory of where she was flashed through her mind all at once as she realized Spike was alive. She lurched up quickly, trying to reach for him before he could get away from her. The pain that lanced through her head knocked her back down and forced her to squeeze her eyes shut.

"Morning Luv" Spike said quietly, "are you feeling as bad as you wanted?"

At first she couldn't make any sense out of what Spike had just said. He seemed to be asking if she was feeling as bad as she wanted to feel. Why would she want to feel like this? No sane person would want to feel this way. When she tried to speak her mouth felt like it had a dirty sock in it.

When she felt something against her lips she opened her eyes again and saw that Spike was holding a bottle of water. She grabbed his hand and swallowed the water quickly causing herself to choke, sending another bolt of pain through her head. Spike had pulled the bottle back from her lips, but when he saw that she wanted more water he let her take another sip.

It came to Dawn why she was feeling this way, she'd been drinking with Spike. After another sip of water her thinking became a little clearer and she remembered that it wasn't Spike she'd been doing the drinking with, it had been Willow, Faith, and Robin. She then remembered why she had drank so much, her argument with the others, her anger at them. A groan of anguish escaped from her lips.

"Spike, help me sit up" Dawn croaked out.

"I don't think you should be trying to do that Pet" Spike said with concern in his voice. "It'll just make you feel worse than you already do."

"Please, Spike" Dawn choked out a little more clearly. "I need to talk to you, please."

"Love, you don't have to say anything" Spike said soothingly as he brushed his fingers over her forehead and down her cheek with a light gentle touch. "You just need to get a little more rest so you feel better, that's all."

"Please, Spike" Dawn said more clearly, "it's important, to me."

Spike moved up next to Dawn on his knees and gently slipping his hand under her shoulders lifted her into a sitting position. Dawn leaned forward as she drew her knees up so she could rest her head against them. It seemed to take hours for the pounding in her head to stop, but she knew it must have only been seconds. Spike was still kneeling next to her and was slowly rubbing her back. She raised her head from her knees slowly and looked over at Spike, she could see his concern for her written on his face.

Dawn felt she had to talk to Spike, she had to explain what happened last night. She knew that with her in the shape she was currently in, trying to talk would be nearly impossible. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a little folded paper packet. She tore the top off the packet and bending her head back a little she poured the contents on her tounge to dissolve and swallowed.

Spike had been watching Dawn closely. He could tell she was in pain and wished there was some way he could make her pain his own. When she tore open the little paper packet and poured the contents on her tounge he assumed it was some kind of head ache powder. There was no way for him to be prepared for what happened next. Once Dawn swallowed the dissolved powder her whole body seemed to go into muscle lock and she started vibrating and shaking where she sat. Her skin got pale and then started turning shades of green. Her eyes rolled back into her head and only the whites could be seen.

Spike grabbed hold of Dawn and tried to control her shaking. When she started turning green he didn't know what to do, a feeling of helplessness swept through him. When her eyes rolled up into her head he was near to panic out of his concern for her. He held on to Dawn tightly as she continued to shake, his mind screaming for help.

Joy came running through the doorway and rushed to Spike and Dawns side. She immediately placed her hand on Dawns forehead and closed her eyes as she concentrated. After a few moments she drew her hand away and started smiling and then started giggling. Spike was totally perplexed by Joy's behavior. How could she be laughing when Dawn was having convulsions or maybe even dieing. When Dawn went completely limp in Spikes arms, if he'd had a beating heart it would have stopped.

Spike was still holding on to Dawn tightly, not knowing what to do next, when she started giggling uncontrollably. "What the bloody hell is going on here?" Spike asked Dawn as she opened her eyes.

"It's a sober-up" Dawn replied, then started giggling again.

With Dawn's giggling Spike became less concerned that something was wrong with her and started to get upset. "What the hell are you talking about?" Spike asked as he let go of Dawn and backed away from her with a scowl on his face.

Dawn, seeing the scowl, stopped giggling and sat up quickly. "I'm sorry Spike I really really am please don't be mad at me" Dawn pleaded. "I just needed to sober up really fast so I could talk to you because it's really important that we talk that's all I didn't mean to scare you or anything honest I didn't I got it from Willow yesterday but I didn't want to take it because it feels like your being turned inside out and then it makes me all silly and I start giggling and I can't help myself but I'll be okay in a few minutes honest I will so please don't be mad at me Spike please don't be mad!"

Dawn was talking so fast that Spike was speechless. It took him a bit just to figure out what she had said. Her intensity about Spike not being angry at her melted away his scowl and robbed him of any anger. "I'm not angry at you Niblet" Spike said quietly as he moved closer to Dawn and reached out to cup one side of her face in his hand. "But you scared the bloody hell out of me. Please don't do something like that again without a warning."

Joy had moved up to Dawn and reaching out touched her head and ran her fingers gently down the back of it. She looked up at Spike and made a little coo sound. Dawn could feel inside her head better now. Dawn impulsively gathered Joy into her arms and kissed her on the cheek as she hugged her. She focused her thoughts and tried to send I love you to Joy. A moment later she could feel inside her head love you as Joy hugged her back.

It took longer than a few minutes for Dawn to be able to talk coherently without babbling. In the mean time Spike explained that the cloth bag at the foot of the bed was for her and that it contained cloths and other items she might need, including the phone that had been ringing earlier. When he handed her the phone she checked to see who had been trying to call her, and to be sure it was still turned off. Dawn had no intention of talking to anyone else until after she talked to Spike. She threw the phone onto the bed and on her hands and knees crawled over to the cloth bag to see what was inside. The first thing she pulled out was a fresh pair of panties.

"God, I need these" Dawn said, still with a little push of speech. "I was certain I was going to have to go commando today, I'd rather go without than wear the same pair another day."

Dawn immediately started pulling off her boots and before Spike realized what she was going to do next she was stripping off her leather pants. As soon as he did realize he bolted out of the room, taking Joy with him, to give her privacy. It only took Dawn a few minutes to change. When she came out of the room she was wearing a pair of tight black jeans, a black tank-top, black walking shoes and was carrying a small towel and washcloth and a little bag in one hand. She walked hurriedly past Spike and Joy and went through the hidden door at the back of the room to the area where they had working toilets and cold running water for washing up. Dawn truly wished she could take a hot shower, but if cold water was good enough for everyone else, she wasn't going to complain.

Fifteen minutes later Dawn was back, feeling much refreshed after washing up and brushing her teeth. She took her things back to Spikes room and put them away. She then rejoined Spike and Joy who were sitting with a group of Spikes kids eating a breakfast of oranges and apples. Spike had explained to Dawn the day before that he had a friend who ran a fruit market and supplied the kids with plenty of fresh fruit year round. True it was mostly the bruised stuff and whatever was left over at the end of the day, but still there was usually plenty of it.

She had just sat down and was peeling an orange when three of the older kids came in through the hidden door carrying more food. Two of them were each carrying two, one gallon jugs of milk, and the other was carrying a Styrofoam box. They immediately started pouring cups of milk and dishing out small plates of scrambled eggs that they distributed to the younger children. One of the older girls brought a cup of milk and some of the eggs over to Joy. None of the older kids took any of the milk or eggs for themselves, there wasn't enough for everyone and the little ones came first when it came to food.

Dawn felt guilty as she sat there with a half peeled orange in her hand. She knew that if she were at home or back at the hotel she could have been having any kind of breakfast she wanted. It bothered her that there wasn't enough food, at least milk and eggs, for everyone. But not one of the older kids made a single complaint. They all seemed perfectly content to have fruit for breakfast.

Spike noticed that Dawn had stopped peeling her orange and was looking glum. He flipped a piece of orange rind at her to get her attention. When she looked up at him, he said "Go ahead and eat Luv. Your not taking anything away from anyone else. We've got plenty of fruit to eat." Dawn still felt guilty, but to assuage her guilt she shared the pieces of orange with Joy. When breakfast was finished a group of the eleven and twelve year olds gathered up the cups and plates to wash them. Two others gathered up the trash and garbage to dispose of it away from where they all lived. Everyone knew you didn't leave a trail back to where you lived if you wanted to stay safe and alive.

With breakfast over most of the younger children laid down for a nap. Life underground for these children was a series of naps through the day and the night, especially through the day. The ones who stood guard during the day left the shelter and took their places in hiding, relieving those who had been on guard for the previous four hours. Those that had daytime jobs had left hours earlier. Within a short time almost everyone was either gone or sleeping and the shelter became very quiet with just a few candles burning.

Instead of sitting out in the large room to talk, Spike and Dawn went to his room. Joy was already laying down for her morning nap with the other children where they were all being watched over by one of the older girls. There wasn't really much space in Spikes room, just enough for the bed he shared with Joy and some duffle bags and boxes of clothing, weapons, and a few personal items. Spike didn't hesitate to sit down on the bedding so Dawn did the same. Once they were both sitting Dawn pulled her phone out of her pocket and handed it to Spike.

"I didn't answered the call that came in this morning and I haven't turn it back on either" Dawn said in a quiet but firm voice. "I don't intend to do either one until we've had a chance to talk."

"We don't have to talk about anything Luv" Spike said just as quietly. "You don't owe me any explanations, you don't have to tell me any secrets. I heard you arguing with the others last night."

"Spike, please listen to me for a minute" Dawn asked as she looked into Spikes eyes. "I know I haven't been acting very grown up the past two days. Mainly I think it's because seeing you and being with you has had me acting like I was fourteen again. Every feeling I've ever had for you has been flooding through me in waves. But believe it or not I really am a grown up now, even if I haven't been acting like one." A tear ran down her cheek from her left eye and fell onto her folded hands. "God, this is so much harder than it should be" Dawn said with a catch in her throat.

Spike moved himself back on his bedding and leaned back against his pillow and the wall behind him. "Come here Pet" Spike said softly as he made a space for her. Dawn moved from where she had been sitting and laying down on the bedding she moved into Spikes arms. She laid her head with the side of her face against his chest, and snuggled up close to him. Spike wrapped one arm around her shoulder to hold her in place and gently ran his fingers through her hair and down the side of her face. He gently wiped away the tear streak on her face. "Luv, you don't have to say anything, I've told you that. Or you can say anything you want or need to say. But I don't want you to tell me things you know you shouldn't be telling me, cause if you do you'll regret it later and that will just be harmful to you. Just remember one thing, no matter what you say or don't say, I'll always love you no matter what."

Dawn started crying quietly and turned her face into his chest. Spike stroked her hair to comfort her and let her cry herself out. As he held her, comforting her, trying to give her his strength, the parallel between his last nights in Sunnydale holding Buffy in this exact same way were paramount in his mind. It was almost like a forewarning of doom. He had held Buffy to give her the strength she needed and afterward he lost her forever. He was holding Dawn to give her the strength she needed to say something to him, and it could mean he was going to lose her forever too.

When Dawn had cried herself out and got herself under control again, she turned her head so that she could look up into Spikes face. "See what I mean" Dawn said in a low raspy voice? She cleared her throat to talk more clearly and speaking a little more firmly said "I can't seem to get out of this crying, whiny, teenage girl phase I'm stuck in when I try to talk to you. You didn't like it when I did it back then, you must be hating it now."

"Believe it or not Pet, I loved you when you were fourteen and crying and whiny, cause you needed me" Spike whispered just loud enough for Dawn to hear. "I know I didn't show it to you, being all Big Bad and such, but I did. You needing me was the only thing I had back then. So if you need to cry and whine and be fourteen again, that's okay cause I know how to say I love you now."

Dawn wrapped her arms around Spike and hugged him tightly "Oh God Spike, I love you so much, I can't even begin to say how much I've missed you."

Spike returned the hug and kissed Dawn on the top of her head as he held her. The parallels were growing stronger. He continued to hold Dawn and let her sort herself out. When she finally calmed down and had herself under control she started talking.

"Believe it or not, I'm a full member of the Watcher and Slayer Counsel, that's what we call it now. I'm part of what they call the 'Inner Circle', which mainly means I'm in on all the big decisions and I know all the secrets, or most of them anyway. That's what the argument was about with Willow, Faith and Robin. I wanted to tell you some things and they didn't want me to do it. It really wasn't that they didn't trust you to know the secrets, they just didn't think that they should be the ones to tell you about them. They wanted to talk to Giles and Buffy first, I didn't want to wait." Dawn looked up at Spike again to look into his eyes. "I know you made them leave last night and I was glad you did, then. But I was drunk and upset and feeling hurt. I hope your not going to stay mad at them. I really owe them all an apology for the way I behaved. Because they were right, they didn't have the right to tell you certain things."

Dawn started squirming and pulled herself up so that she was still in Spikes arms but was face to face with him now. "But I don't care about right or wrong anymore Spike. Except for Buffy, I trust you more than anyone else in the world. The Counsel knows a secret, I want to tell you that secret, but I can't. But if you ask me to tell you I will. I'll tell you anything you want to know, if you'll just ask me."

Spike looked into Dawns eyes and knew that she was being perfectly honest and truthful. He could ask her anything he wanted to know. About the Counsel, about Buffy, about anything and she would tell him the truth. But she would have to break her promise to others to do this, she would have to break her word of honor. That seemed like such a strange way for him to think about what Dawn had just offered to do, 'break her word of honor'.

Before Buffy, the idea of honor was meaningless to him. The vampire demon inside his body couldn't even understand the concept of honor. But Spike understood what honor was now, he'd learned about it the hard way. Honor is what other people give to you when they trust you, and because of this trust you have to behave honorably. You can only lose your honor if you break the trust these people give to you. Spike also realized that if he asked Dawn to break her word of honor she would do it for him, but he would be violating her trust in him if he did.

"Pet, there's only one question I want to ask you" Spike said seriously. He could see Dawn tightening up, and knew that whatever he asked her she would tell him, no matter if she had to break her word or not. "Just one thing and nothing else. Will you tell me?"

"I'll tell you Spike. If I know the answer I'll tell you." Dawn said as she screwed up her courage.

"Just one thing Luv, nothing else, do you understand?" Spike asked.

Dawn nodded her head "Just one thing, I understand."

"The one thing I want to know is ….. Are you still ticklish?" Spike said with a smirky grin that spread across his face. "The truth now, you promised."

Dawns mouth dropped open at the question. "Well, ah … ah … yes, sometimes" Dawn stammered out.

Spike didn't waste another moment. He tightened his grip around Dawns shoulder with one hand and with the other hand started tickling her ribs and belly. Dawn started laughing and giggling and trying to escape from his hold. She tried tickling him back, but he wasn't the least bit ticklish so it didn't do any good. She finally squirmed out of his arms but ended up face down on his bed as he continued to tickle her. Spike continued to tickle her for another minute, making her laugh and squirm uncontrollably. When he finally stopped Dawn could hardly get her breath. Spike laid down on the bed next to Dawn and rubbed her back soothingly to help her calm down.

"Luv" Spike said as he stared into Dawns eyes, "that's the 'only' question I wanted to ask and I promise to keep the answer a secret. Now maybe it's time you answered that phone call that came in this morning. Their probably getting a bit worried about you by now."

Minor revisions 12/04

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	19. Reunions 19

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Reunions / Part 19

The flight from London to Los Angeles was ten hours. With delays in landing, debarkation, security checks, collecting luggage, arranging transportation and the drive to the hotel, it was nearly 10:00AM before they got there. Giles had called Robin as soon as they landed and rooms had already been arranged. Once they had signed in, Giles led Buffy and the three ladies from the Coven into the elevator and went up to the sixth floor and the Presidential Suite. He left the slayers and Andrew in the lobby to sort out who was going to stay where and to move the luggage up to the rooms.

Buffy had been completely drained, emotionally, by both her reaction to learning that Spike was alive and the uncertain knowledge that he may have found someone else to love and might not love her anymore. The more she ran this thought through her mind and the fact that he had never tried to contact her in eight years was tearing her heart apart.

For months she had grieved over his death, but had tried to restart her life, thinking that he would want her to do that. The greatest part of her grief was due to knowing that she had never been honest with Spike about her feelings for him. She'd never been honest with herself about her feelings either, not until the last moment, when it was to late. Spike had died to save the world and destroy the Hellmouth, and when she had finally told him that she loved him, he didn't believe her.

Part of her grief was also due to her unwarranted anger and distrust of Angel. Angel had given her the amulet that had allowed Spike to be her Champion. The amulet had also been the cause of Spikes death. When Angel brought the amulet to Buffy he said he had every intention of wearing and using it himself. But Buffy had told him no, that she wanted him to leave and be ready to defend the world if she failed to defeat the First. Buffy had given the amulet to Spike herself, so that "He" could be her "Champion". Being her Champion had killed Spike.

Learning a few months later, in the middle of her grief, that Angel had taken over running Wolfram & Hart had crystallized a train of thought in Buffy's mind. Angel had made a pact of some kind with the minions of evil. When he brought the amulet to Buffy he had never intended to wear it himself, he knew about Spike and knew that Buffy would give the amulet to him to wear. He knew that the amulet would kill Spike and that is why he had given it to her.

With these thoughts in the forefront of her thinking she had made the decision that Angel had joined the forces of evil for some unknown reason and that he and his people could no longer be trusted. She had made the decision to cut herself and the newly reforming Counsel off from Angel. She had even reinforced that distrust when she had sent Andrew and twelve slayers to L.A. to take the psychotic slayer Dana away from him, and from Wolfram & Hart. She had convinced herself that Angel and his people at Wolfram & Hart would use a captive slayer to do evil things. She'd been very specific with Andrew that he should tell Angel that they weren't on the same side anymore and that he wasn't trusted by either Buffy or the Counsel.

It was this cutting herself off from Angel and from what was happening at Wolfram & Hart that had prevented her from learning that Spike had come back and was in Los Angeles with Angel. When news came down from the Coven that a great mystical battle was about to occur in L.A. between powerful forces, Buffy's only concern was whether or not it would be an apocalypse. When the Coven assured her that the battle wasn't going to be an apocalypse but a rebalancing of forces, she refused to become involved.

It was only when the battle was imminent that the Coven had been able to discern that the battle would be between the forces of 'Good' and 'Evil'. It was then that she learned that Angel and his people were involved. Still not trusting Angel she hadn't taken any steps to help him. It was only on the day of the battle itself that, feeling upset and distracted, she had said something to the 'Immortal'. The 'Immortal' had become angry that Buffy wasn't paying her full attention to him and had said that he already knew about the pending battle and that Angel and Spike would finally get what they deserved. Hearing that Spike was alive and with Angel had upset Buffy even more. This led to the 'Immortal' stating that he had known about Spike being alive for many months and had never told her because it was time she stopped acting like a child and that she should come back to his bed immediately.

Instead, Buffy had immediately left the 'Immortals' home and had caught the first taxi she could find and went immediately to the airport. Without a change of cloths, with nothing but her purse, her passport and a credit card she arrived at the airport and bought a ticket on the first available plane. Just as she was starting to board the plane the 'Immortal' had arrived and tried to prevent her from getting on the plane. He had said a number of things about her being a foolish child, but he would be willing to forgive her. When he wouldn't let go of her, she broke his arm in two places. He had then screamed at her that it was already to late for her to get to her dead lovers, they would both be finished forever long before she could get to them. In a calm rage Buffy had shattered the 'Immortals' knee and then kicked him between the legs. She'd left him lying on the ground puking blood as she boarded the plane.

Taking the first plane available had been a mistake. If she had waited a few hours she could have caught an International flight directly to L.A.. The plane she caught took her to New York where she had to wait several hours for a flight to L.A.. That flight wasn't a direct flight either and had stopped in Chicago and Denver before going on to L.A.. Each stop had delayed her arrival more and more. By the time she got to Los Angeles it was late afternoon, the day after the battle had occurred. When she got to Wolfram & Hart the building was destroyed beyond repair and the authorities were claiming that the collapse of the building had been due to some kind of freakish subsidence that occurred during a heavy rain storm during the night.

Buffy had tried to search the rubble until she was forced to leave by the police and a security force that claimed to have been sent by the Senior Partners of Wolfram & Hart. Buffy then went to the old hotel where Angel had once lived, but it was empty. After that she started roaming the streets looking for any sign of a battle that had occurred between mystical force. Finally realizing that she had no idea how to find such a place she had reluctantly called Giles in London and told him where she was and what had happened.

Giles and Dawn had arrived in L.A. the next morning, Faith and Robin arrived that evening, Willow and Kennedy arrived at midnight. Other slayers from around the world were coming in daily. On the day after her arrival Willow broke into the L.A. Police computer and found a report that a Charles Gunn had been found dead in an alley, the address was given, it also listed his home address.

Buffy, Dawn and a dozen slayers searched the alley and the surrounding area, but found no clues or any other bodies. Giles, Faith and Robin searched Charles apartment and found little information except for the address of Wesley Windam-Pryce. They went to Wesley's apartment and besides a large number of books and manuscripts they found a note pad with an address for Spike. Giles called Buffy and gave her the address. By the time Giles and the others arrived at Spikes apartment Buffy and Dawn were already there and Buffy had kicked the door in and was searching the place.

Buffy couldn't help but to compare the apartment to the crypt Spike had lived in at Sunnydale. The crypt had been a packrats nest of a thousand things that Spike had dragged into it because they had attracted his attention for the moment. But it had matched Spikes personality and in many ways it had been a 'comfy' kind of place. The apartment was bare of anything that showed that someone was actually living there. It was sterile, like a crypt was suppose to be, lifeless.

In one drawer she found two pair of black jeans, a half dozen t-shirts and two long sleeved shirts, one with blood on it. There was nothing else in the other drawers and the closet was empty. The kitchen had one bottle of beer in the refrigerator and five empties in the trash. Buffy took everything that was Spikes, including the one bottle of beer, and was ready to leave when Dawn opened the little drawer on the night stand next to the bed. Inside was a small battered spiral notebook with writing on most of the pages and dozens of small scraps of paper stuffed in between the notebook pages. As Buffy looked through the pages she realized that what she was reading was poetry. Some of the poems were obviously years old, but some of the scraps of paper contained things that were newer. 

There was also a ring. Buffy recognized it immediately. It was the same ring with the skull head on it that Spike had given to her as an engagement ring when they were under the influence of a spell that Willow had cast years before. Buffy had stood there looking at the ring for several minutes before she slipped it on the third finger of her left hand. When she closed the door as she left Spikes apartment she had every worldly possession he owned in one paper bag. 

On the sixth day of Buffy's search a call was relayed to Giles from London, the caller was Angel. When he explained that he was badly injured, and hiding in the southern tip of Baja Mexico, Giles, Faith and Robin went after him. Buffy had refused to go when she learned that Spike wasn't with him. She continued to search, talking to people on the street, showing them the one and only picture she had of Spike. Other slayers and former members of the old Counsel kept arriving to help her with her search and they spread out through the whole city. But it took several more days before members of the Coven started to arrive.

It had taken all of Giles persuasion to get the members of the Coven to come to Los Angeles. They didn't like to travel very much to begin with and coming to a foreign country to look for a vampire wasn't something they wanted to do, even if the vampire did have a soul. Once there were enough of the women from the Coven present they started casting spells to search for Spike and any others that might have survived. It was only due to the castings that they were finally able to find Wesley's body in the mansion of a dead demon wizard.

By this time Giles had come back to Los Angeles with information from Angel. When they found him he had confirmed the deaths of Wesley and Charles and the body of Fred/Illyria had been found in a barn in Baja where she had taken Angel before dying herself. Angel had told Giles that he hadn't seen Spike die, but the likelihood of him surviving the battle in the alley was very small. When they recovered Illyria in the barn, the SUV she had been driving was loaded with papers, money, gold, books and a message from Wesley stating that he had asked Illyria to try to save Angel if at all possible if the battle seemed to be lost. Illyria had fulfilled Wesley's last wish before dying herself from massive wounds.

Buffy had still refused to give up the search and it was only after a full month of searching that she finally agreed to end the search if the full Coven and Willow would do one more casting spell to search for him. They all met in the alley where the final battle had taken place and the women of the Coven cast the spell. Buffy provided them with the shirt that had belonged to Spike that had his blood on it. The only thing the spell was able to confirm was that Spike had been in the alley and that some of his blood was on a wall in the alley. There wasn't any indication from the spell to show that Spike had ever left the alley.

Excepting Spikes death at last Buffy ordered everyone out of the city. She hadn't been very rational and had voiced her hatred of the city and what it had done to Spike, Angel and the other people that had worked with Angel. No one was willing to argue with Buffy, they all wanted to get her away from L.A. and back to London. They all assumed that eventually she would relent and allow slayers and watchers to come back to L.A.. But for seven years she hadn't forgiven the city and had not allowed any slayers or watchers to return. Now seven years later Buffy was back in L.A. again.

When Buffy entered the Presidential Suite with Giles and the ladies from the Coven, she knew that something was wrong. First because Robin was the one answering the door and second because Willow didn't rush up to her for a hug. Buffy hadn't seen Willow for several months, so Willow hanging back was not a good sign. Faith did come up and give Buffy a hug but there wasn't any of her usual banter, again, not a good sign.

Giles was the first to speak to the group. "Where's Dawn?" he asked looking around the room. From the looks on Willow, Faith and Robins faces he could tell that he had just asked a question that was at the core of their unusual behavior since he and Buffy entered the room.

"Uh, sh.. she's not here" Willow stammered out hesitantly.

"Yes, that's quite apparent" Giles replied as he raise one eyebrow in inquiry. "Would you care to expand upon that and tell us where she is?"

"She's with Spike" Faith blurted out, then hesitating herself, finished with "she stayed behind, …. to talk to him."

Buffy hadn't said a word since entering the room but she could tell that something had happened that the others didn't want to have to tell her or Giles. She was standing in front of a couch and sat down abruptly, her legs couldn't hold her up any longer. "Tell me" was all she could get out in a tight raspy voice.

"Uh, see, … we kind of had an argument with her last night … about some stuff. Dawn got mad …… and then she got drunk … and … then she got angry … and started crying" Willow said apprehensively. "Then Spike got mad at us … for making Dawn cry …… and … he kicked us out of his place. He put her in his bed and told us to leave" she finished lamely.

Buffy sat there not truly understanding what Willow had just said. Only fragments had registered with her mind argument stuff Dawn angry drunk crying Spike angry kicked out in his bed told us to leave ??? "I don't understand? What stuff? How did she get drunk? Spike kicked you out?" Buffy said with a puzzled look on her face. "I don't understand?"

"Maybe you should start at the beginning Willow" Giles said calmly as he sat down next to Buffy and put his hand on her shoulder to keep her calm and focused. "Why don't you start from the last time we talked and fill in all the blanks so were all up to date on what has been happening."

Minor revisions 12/04

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	20. Reunions 20

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Reunions / Part 20

Willow picked up the story from the time she last talked to Giles. She explained that the previous morning Dawn had made the decision that she was going to stay with Spike at his place instead of coming back to the hotel. She told about Faith and Robin showing up with eight more slayers and how they ended up going on a vampire hunt. How when they broke into a building to prevent a group of vampires from attacking some humans they found Spike, Dawn and five of Spikes kids already in the building waiting for the vampires to attack. When Spike decided that the people he had saved were no longer safe where they were he led them to a new safe place for them to stay. Willow was very specific about how much these people had trusted Spike to protect them from harm. She then told how they had all gone back to Spikes place for a little after action party.

From that point on Willow, Faith and Robin each told parts of the story of how after getting back to Spikes place, while his kids and the slayers were all dancing to burn off energy, the rest of them had sat down for a drink and talked. Faith told how Dawn had explained that after having a simulated combat workout with Spike and his kids that afternoon she had proven to them that she was capable of protecting herself and others in a fight. When some demon friends of Spikes had come looking for him in the early evening and had warned him of a planned vampire attack on some humans at a specific location, Spike formed up a group, with Dawn included, to ambush the vampires.

That was when Robin added in that these demon friends of Spikes apparently were very friendly toward humans and helped Spike and his kids all the time. That was when they were told that it was because of his demon friends that no one had ever been able to find Spike with a locator spell. They were the ones who had healed him after the final battle and had charmed his leather suit and had provided special Demonic/Christian Crosses to him and all of his kids to hide them from locator spells for the past seven years.

Apparently a tribe of demons had been converted to Christianity several hundred years ago by a Spanish monk. With a combination of their Christian beliefs and their demonic magical powers they had been able to live and hide themselves in and around Los Angeles for hundreds of years without being discovered by humans. Spike had saved one of their kind, a High Priest, from vampires and they felt they owed him a favor. When he had been injured in the final battle they had used their powers to keep him hidden. They had also been helping him and his kids with information, arranging special jobs for them in the underworld to earn money and through their many connections helped provide a major portion of the food Spike and his kids needed to survive. They were also the ones who had told Spike about Joy's special abilities.

Willow then told Giles, Buffy and the ladies from the Coven what Spike had told them about Joy's mother, the significance of Joy's birth, the date and time, her special abilities and that she appeared to be both a slayer and according to Spike and his demon friends she was also the only known living Guardian.

The ladies of the Coven had sat quietly through everything that had been explained by Willow, Faith and Robin. When Willow made the final pronouncement about the young girl being a Guardian they became very excited and started whispering to each other.

"A Guardian" Giles said in astonishment "how could they possibly know that she is a Guardian?"

"Giles" Willow responded, "these demonic priest are apparently very powerful wizards and have been able to study Joy for the past five years. I told you she is both a telepath and an empath. The priests say she also has great magical potential and that she has abilities that haven't even surfaced yet. Their the ones who told Spike that she is a Guardian. I think that they might know a lot more about Guardians than we do. If we could get them to talk to us we might learn a lot."

"Oh yes, I agree whole-heartedly" Giles replied excitedly "this is the first piece of information regarding the Guardians we've come across in eight years. We will definitely have to set up a delegation from the Counsel and the Coven to talk to them about what they know. Do you think Spike would be willing to help us make contact with them and set up a schedule of meetings?"

"That's sort of a problem right now" Willow said reluctantly. "It's like I said at the beginning, Spikes kind of upset with us right now. I don't think were really in a position to be asking him for favors."

"Just why is it that Spike is upset with us" Giles asked?

"We got into an argument with Dawn about telling Spike certain secrets" Robin said, taking the lead in the conversation. "Dawn wanted to tell him everything, about Buffy and the Hellmouth and what happened that day. The rest of us felt that we shouldn't tell him until after we'd had a chance to talk to both of you. Dawn felt we were saying we didn't trust Spike and got angry about it. When the three of us voted against her she started drinking heavily and started crying. Spike walked up on us while I was reminding Dawn that she didn't have the right to divulge Counsel secrets. We don't know what else he may have heard, but he did blame us for Dawns crying and told us we had worn out our welcome. Whether or not he is still upset with us, we don't know? Willow left a phone with Dawn and we have tried to call her several times this morning, but apparently after the first call, we could hear it ringing, she or Spike has turned it off."

"When was the last time you tried to call" Giles asked?

"Just before you got here" Willow said as she looked at Giles and then Buffy. "Do you want me to try calling her again?"

Buffy had listened quietly to Willow, Faith and Robin as they told what had occurred since last talking to Giles. For the first time since they had started explaining what had happened the previous night she spoke up. "It'll be okay" Buffy said calmly to all of them. "Spike wasn't mad at you, he just wanted you to go away so you wouldn't upset Dawn anymore."

Giles was looking at Buffy and felt concern because of the distant look she had in her eyes. "Buffy" he said quietly "why do you think Spike won't stay mad at them?"

Buffy's attention focused on Giles after a few moments. "Because he never was mad at them. When Spikes mad it's always bloody this and bloody that, and maybe breaking a few things. Spike just wanted them to go away. He just wanted to protect Dawn, that's what he does, always." Buffy explained. After a few moments she added, "Spike won't let Dawn tell him any secretes either."

"I don't know B" Faith said as she looked over at Buffy. "Dawn was pretty upset over the whole not trusting Spike thing. She just might blurt it all out and not give him any choice about it."

"No, Dawn won't do that" Buffy said to the group. "Dawn will tell him she knows something she thinks he should know but she can't tell him unless he asks her. Spike won't ask."

"I'm not sure I understand your reasoning there Buffy" Robin said as he looked at her with a question in his eyes.

Buffy looked around the group and could see that clearly none of them understood. Taking a deep breath Buffy explained, "Dawn loves and trust Spike, but she won't break her word to the Council, unless Spike asks her to. Spike loves Dawn and would never let her do something that would hurt her. Breaking her word to the Council would hurt Dawn, so Spike won't let her, he won't ask her to break her word."

"Is it really that simple Buffy" Giles asked with a sense of wonder in his voice.

"It is for Dawn and Spike" Buffy responded with total conviction. "There's no point in trying to call Dawn either, she won't talk to anyone until after she talks to Spike. When their done talking Spike will remind her to call us."

Buffy had just finished speaking when Willows cell phone started ringing. Willow glanced at the number of the incoming call and looking over at Buffy with a look of surprise, said "It's Dawn!" Buffy just smiled at her.

When Willow answered the phone and started talking to Dawn she told her that they had been trying to call her all morning. Willow repeated back what Dawn was saying, that Dawn had shut off the phone because she didn't want to talk to anyone until after she had a chance to talk to Spike. When Willow asked if she had told Spike the secret, Dawn told her that Spike wouldn't let her. She also mentioned that Spike had been the one to remind her to turn her phone back on and to call Willow because he thought Willow might be getting concerned. Willow and the rest of the group sat there for a few moments staring over at Buffy.

Buffy just smiled at them and said quietly "Told ya."

Dawn said something on the phone and drew Willows attention back to her. When Willow asked her to repeat what she had said, Dawn started telling her that there was going to be a big party for Joy the next day at noon. But if anyone wanted to attend they had to come after dark tonight and wouldn't be able to leave until after dark tomorrow night. Spike had told Dawn that a number of his demon friends would be attending and if Willow wanted to meet any of them this would be her opportunity. He had also told Dawn that it would be appreciated if the Slayers didn't do any demon hunting in his part of town for the next couple of nights because they might end up hurting his friends.

When Giles heard what Dawn was saying to Willow he asked for the phone and started talking to Dawn. Giles asked her to ask Spike if he could come to the party, along with some of the witches from the Coven, and a few other people. Giles heard Dawn talking to Spike and heard Spike talking in the background. When she came back on the phone Dawn told Giles he could bring himself and anyone else he wanted to, as long as Willow brought him more brandy, since she and Dawn had drank up all he had the night before. When Willow heard what Spike had said she smiled and nodded her head to Giles that she understood. Giles then passed the phone to Buffy.

When Buffy took the phone she hesitated for a few moments before she said "Dawn, it's me."

"Buffy, oh god it's good to hear your voice" Dawn said with a tone of suppressed excitement in her voice. "Are you alright, are you doing okay? The last week has been a roller coaster and I've wanted to talk to you so bad, but I couldn't say anything to you until after we talked to Spike, and I'm really sorry we didn't tell you right away."

"It's okay Dawn" Buffy said with just a touch of strain in her voice. "Giles explained everything to me, I understand."

Before Buffy could say anything else she heard Dawn saying "Oh shit, shit, shit", but not into the phone. "Dawn? Dawn?" Buffy said into the phone, her voice getting louder. "Dawn, what's the matter? Dawn, are you there?"

"Oh, I'm sorry Buffy" Dawn said when she came back to the phone. "Spike must have heard me talking to you and he ran away."

Buffy had been sitting, but when Dawn said Spike had run away, without thinking she was on her feet. "He ran away" Buffy said, her voice was quivering.

"Oh, no, no Buffy, not like that, I'm sorry" Dawn said into the phone hurriedly. "I didn't mean it like that, I just meant he left the room."

Buffy noticed that everyone was looking at her with concern in their eyes. She turned away from them and walked over to a window so that her back was to them and spoke to Dawn quietly. "Is it because of me Dawnie" Buffy asked, her voice was quivering and a tear started running down her cheek.

"I don't know Buffy. He was across the room when I started talking to you and when I looked up he was gone" Dawn told her. "But I don't really know why he left. It could have been for a lot of reasons, I guess" Dawn ended lamely.

"Does he hate me Dawnie" Buffy asked, her voice was quivering even more and tears were running from both her eyes now and dripping from her chin onto her blouse.

"No, god no Buffy! Spike doesn't hate you" Dawn said quickly. Buffy could hear in Dawns voice that she was trying to hold back tears. "It's just that, whenever someone mentions your name or tries to talk about you, it seems to hurt him. Buffy, he thought you were happy. That's why he stayed away, why he never called. He thought you were happy and he didn't want to mess that up. He thought that if you knew he was alive it would just make you unhappy." Dawn was crying now. "Andrew told him you had moved on with your life and that you were in love with the "Immortal". He thought the two of you were living together in Rome and that you were happy and living the life he thought you always wanted."

The tears were flowing in heavy streams from both of Buffy's eyes, so many tears that she couldn't see past them out the window. Her chest felt so tight she could barely breath. Her throat felt so constricted she could barely speak. "Does he love someone else now Dawnie" Buffy choked out.

"Oh Buffy, please don't do this to yourself" Dawn cried into the phone. "Spike lives with forty-three kids and the oldest one is younger than me. He shares a room with his little girl, his adopted daughter Joy. Buffy, her name isn't really Joy, that's just what they all call her. Her real name is Joyce, he named her after mom. I asked some of the kids if he has a girlfriend and they told me that he doesn't, but they think he had one a long time ago. One of the girls told me that he has a picture of a girl that he carries with him and that she saw him looking at it once and he was crying. Buffy I don't know if the picture was you or not, but the girl said it was an old picture, and you told me once that Spike had a bunch of pictures and drawings of you, so it could have been you. But I don't know Buffy, I don't know." Dawn was crying just as hard a Buffy now and it took her a minute before she could talk again. "But Buffy, if he didn't still love you, why would it still hurt him so much to talk about you. I mean, until just a few days ago he thought you were happy and in love with someone else. Maybe he hasn't worked it out in his head yet. Or maybe he still thinks that he'd mess up your life, I don't know." Dawn slipped back into crying and couldn't stop herself.

Buffy continued to stand in front of the window crying and was totally lost to what was going on in the rest of the room. Everyone else had sat quietly, not looking at her and trying to give her the privacy she needed. When she continued to sob Giles couldn't take it anymore and got up from his seat and walked over to where she was standing. Quietly and without saying anything to her he took the phone out of her hand and turned it off. He then turned her and wrapping his arms around her he pulled her against his chest and tried to sooth her. Holding her seemed to have the opposite effect though. Instead of soothing Buffy it just seemed to open her emotions up even more and she started crying even harder. Giles felt totally lost as to what to do or say to Buffy. He loved Buffy with all his heart and thought of her as his beloved daughter, but he didn't know what to do to ease her pain. He brushed one hand over the back of her head and made little sounds he hoped were soothing, but he wasn't sure and felt totally helpless.

After what seemed hours but were in reality only minutes Buffy finally regained enough control of herself to speak. Her voice was almost a whisper and tear choked, but with her forehead pressed against Giles chest she finally spoke. "I don't think I can live like this anymore Giles. When I thought he was dead it hurt so much I wanted to die. But because of Dawn and you and Willow I tried to hold on. But now that I know he's alive I can't stop myself from thinking he doesn't love me anymore, and it hurts to much. I love him so much Giles. I don't want to live without him, I don't think I can."

Giles held on to Buffy even tighter as if holding on to her would prevent her from slipping away. Tears were standing in his eye and he knew that within moments he might loose control of himself. In a voice choked with emotion Giles whispered in Buffys ear "Please, please Buffy, hold on. We all love you so much, I love you so much, please hold on."

New 12/04

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	21. Reunions 21

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Reunions / Part 21

Willow joined Giles at the window with Buffy and between the two of them they were able to calm her down. Buffy was emotionally exhausted by this time so it was relatively easy to convince her to lie down. Willow used the argument that Buffy needed to rest now so that she wouldn't fall asleep when she was talking to Spike tonight. Buffy was convinced that it would be impossible for her to sleep, but with the help of a light sleeping spell, Willow had her to sleep in just a few minutes.

When Willow returned to the living room she noticed that the three witches from the Coven were missing. She assumed that they had gone to their rooms to either sleep or meditate. The others were sitting in a group talking quietly. Faith and Robin were sitting closely together on a couch. Faith had a beer in her hands and Robin had some kind of soda. Giles was sitting on a matching couch across from them with a tumbler half full of a dark amber liquid in his hands, a half full decanter was sitting on the coffee table in front of him. Willow walked straight to Giles side, sat down and picking up the decanter took the top off and tilting her head back took a large swallow. When she sat the decanter down she noticed a startled look on Giles face. It took a moment before she realized why.

"Sorry" Willow said with a grin spreading across her face, "been drinking with Spike the past few days, not big on glass ware." Having said this she reached out and took the tumbler from Giles hand and drained it, then handed the empty glass back to him.

Giles sat for several moments looking at his empty glass, totally at a loss as to what to say. When he finally looked at Willow he could see that she was trying hard not to laugh at him. "Ah, yes, well, ah" Giles mumbled out as he set the tumbler down on the coffee table and picking up the decanter refilled his glass half full. He then picked up the tumbler and took a sip. "Yes, well, traditionally when drinking a scotch of this quality it is consumed a sip at a time so that the full flavor of the beverage can be enjoyed. Obviously, drinking with Spike precludes that portion of the enjoyment."

"No, the flavors still there" Willow responded with a tightness in her voice that was easily discernible. "But Spikes way you get to drink a lot more and get drunk a lot faster. Saves time if your stressed out of your mind, but need to talk to people you don't really know if you can trust or not."

Giles looked at Willow and could see immediately that she was angry with him, for making a comment that was even slightly derogatory of Spike, but also for the condescending tone of voice he had used. Willow had been to England often enough to know when uppers were putting down the lowers when they talked about them. A flush of shame washed through Giles as he saw the tightness in Willows face. "Yes, your quite right Willow" Giles said in a softer tone of voice. "Sometimes stress can make a person into a bloody arsed wanker if their not careful." Giles looked at his drink and tilting his head back drained his glass in one long swallow, then set the tumbler down on the coffee table next to the decanter. "Sometimes a friend has to call the wanker on it just to get their head back on straight."

Willow understood that Giles was apologizing, both to her and to Spike, and nodded her head in acceptance. The tightness left her face and she gave Giles a small smile. "Yeah, I think the stress level around here this past week has hit a major high for all of us" she commented quietly.

Faith had been watching the interaction between Giles and Willow and knew that she was missing something. She knew that there was something going on just beneath the words that were being said. She glanced over at Robin and could see that he knew what was going on and would explain it to her later in private. That was one of the things that made Faith love Robin so much. She knew that she wasn't as smart as Giles or Willow and there were times she didn't understand everything they were saying. But Robin did, and he would explain it to her later, but he never made her feel stupid. Robin had shown her over the years that she was a lot smarter that she'd always thought she was, just the fact that she could detect that there was a subtext to the conversation proved that was true. Once Robin explained to her what had just gone on she knew she would understand and the next time it happened she wouldn't need his help. She smiled at him and he gave her a little nod of his head and smiled back at her.

"Okay, speaking of being in a hurry" Faith said loud enough to gain everyone's attention. "We need to make a plan and get the ball rolling. How many of us are going tonight? Are we all going? Do we need to set up more transport? Who else is coming that isn't here yet? When does Angel get here and do we need to make any special arrangements for him? We got a lot of things to work out and not much time so we better get started."

For the next forty minutes the four of them discussed the points that Faith had already raised and others too. Giles made notes on a little pad of paper while Willow made a list of things that they would need to do. When the decisions had been made and jobs assigned they all stood up together to head out and get things started. While Giles headed for the bedrooms of the witch's to tell them about tonight's plans and to start making phone calls, Willow headed for the door to go find her girls and get them started on the things they needed to do. Faith and Robin both had their assignments too and were following behind Willow to the door when Robin reached out and catching Faith's arm pulled her back to him and wrapped his arms around her for a few moments while he gave her a kiss. When the kiss ended Robin gave Faith a hug before letting her go. He loved it when his girl jumped into the middle of things and took charge.

Vi and Sara went to LAX to meet the 3:00 plane from Rio to pick up Xander and Kennedy. Willow had wanted to go, but had other things she needed to be doing, and also was a little concerned about seeing Kennedy. It had been four years since their break-up and neither one of them had seen each other since it happened. Seeing Xander had been even longer, over seven and a half years. When Xander had gone to Africa to help find and recruit new slayers it had been the thought that he would only be there for a few months. Thing hadn't worked out that way and except for occasional emails and a phone call once or twice a year they hadn't had much contact. Seeing both of them together, at the same time, was more than Willow thought she could deal with at once without a lot of emotional mood swings and major crying.

Vi and Sara were standing outside the debarkation gate waiting when Vi spotted Kennedy. It had been four years since Vi had seen her, but like the rest of them she hadn't really changed much. Her hair was cut a little shorter and she had a golden suntan, but other wise she was the same. Vi was also looking for Xander but didn't see him. Not until a guy that was dressed like a South African Bush Ranger stepped up next to Kennedy and started talking to her as they walked down the hall.

Vi had known Xander in Sunnydale and remembered him as overweight with shaggy hair and really sloppy cloths. The man next to Kennedy had long hair hanging down his back, was suntanned darkly and was wearing a Bush Ranger's Hat. He was also wearing hiking boots, heavy tan pants, a heavy tan short sleeved shirt and was carrying a heavy canvas dark brown duster over his arm. As far as being overweight, he looked more like a model for a fitness magazine, his shoulders were broad, his chest full, waist narrow, arms and legs muscular, and he walked with a confidence that drew attention from both men and women. The only way that Vi recognized the man as Xander was when he brushed his hair away from his face and she saw his eye patch and when a big smile spread across his face when he spotted her in the crowd.

Sara had never met or seen Xander and had only heard about him from Vi and a few of the older slayers. What she saw was not what she was expecting and she stood there watching him approach with her mouth hanging open. As soon as he reached them he opened his arms and took Vi into a big hug while he kissed her on the cheek. As soon as he released Vi and let her take a step back, Sara moved in on him and wrapped her arms around his waist, put her cheek against his chest and hugged him. Xander was taken by surprise but hugged her back for several moments. When Sara didn't release him he asked, "Do we know each other?"

Sara rubbed her cheek against Xander's broad chest and keeping her arms around his waist, said "Not yet, but we can change that whenever you want."

Xander was surprised at first and then started laughing, "That's the best offer I've had in years. Once you tell me your name I might even be tempted to take you up on it."

Xander's come back to Sara was another thing that surprised Vi. The somewhat shy and always awkward jokester she had known in Sunnydale had apparently grown up in Africa and had left his insecurities behind. What she was seeing now was a confident man who knew who he was and was comfortable with himself. She liked this new Xander, a lot.

Sara kept her arms around Xander's waist, but leaned back a little and told him her name. Xander smiled at her and told her he was happy to meet her. While to two of them continued to flirt with each other, Vi glanced over at Kennedy to see how she was dealing with the situation. Vi remembered that Kennedy hadn't really liked Xander back in the old days because she was jealous of his relationship with Willow. It surprised her that Kennedy was standing there smiling at both Xander and Sara and their little flirting match. Apparently Kennedy had done some growing up in the past four years too.

When the hug-fest between Xander and Sara finally ended, Vi and Sara greeted Kennedy and exchanged brief hugs. Next stop was the baggage ramp. Kennedy's baggage consisted of a single suitcase. Xander's was a large leather duffle bag and a heavy metal foot locker. Xander easily picked up the foot locker and hoisted it up onto his shoulder where he balanced it easily. When he started to stoop to pick up the duffle bag, Sara swooped in and picked it up. Using the leather carrying strap she hung it from one shoulder while she moved in next to Xander and lightly wrapped one arm around his waist. Xander smiled at her and wrapped one arm around her shoulder, giving her a light hug.

When they got to the SUV in the one hour parking area, Sara gave the keys to Vi and got into the back seat with Xander. All the way back to the hotel, as Sara pumped Xander for information about himself and told him about herself, Vi kept looking up at the rearview mirror watching Xander. The thought passed through Vi's mind that if some kind of hookup didn't actually happen between Xander and Sara she'd have to see about getting him off somewhere and renewing their past acquaintanceship, maybe on a little more personal level this time.

When they got to the hotel, Vi and Sara led them directly up to the Presidential Suite where the two of them would be staying. On entering the suite it seemed as if the place was empty. Buffy was still sleeping in her room, the witch's from the Coven were no where to be seen, and Giles was apparently off somewhere else. Kennedy was shown to a room that she would be sharing with someone, maybe one of the witch's, and Xander was shown to the room he would be sharing with Giles. Vi needed to get on with other things that needed to be done and Sara, reluctantly, needed to go with her. They said their goodbye's and left Kennedy and Xander to get settled into their rooms.

The first thing Kennedy did was to take a shower and to lay down to rest until the others got back to the apartment. The first thing Xander did was to open the metal foot locker and start assembling his weapons. With meticulous care he unwrapped his hardwood stakes, throwing knives, boot knives, hideaway knife, and laid them out on his bed. He then unwrapped the disassembled parts of his pistols and reassembled them carefully. He was still loading cartridge's into their clips when her heard noises coming from the living room. Xander closed up the foot locker and laid his duster over his weapons to keep them out of site, then quietly left his room and walked up the hall to the living room.

Quietly stepping around the corner Xander saw that there were three people standing together discussing something as they were looking through some papers spread out on the dinning room table. He knew them all and a smile slowly spread across his face. Giles was standing there polishing his glasses with a serious look on his face. He hadn't changed all that much over the years except that there was a lot more gray in his hair, and he wasn't wearing tweed, which seemed totally un-Giles. Robin also had a serious look on his face, but other than wearing jeans and a pull over shirt instead of a suit, he hadn't seemed to have changed either.

The woman with them though, Faith, she was the one that had changed the least. Still wearing black jeans and a black tank-top, faded jean jacket and kick your ass boots, long hair and red lipstick, and a smile on her face. But as Xander studied Faith he realized that there were changes. The pain and the tightness that had so often been noticeable in her smile was gone. The lost and lonely look in her eyes was missing. The defensive way she use to stand, as if she were ready to fight the world, was now relaxed and casual. It took a few more moments to recognize and understand what these changes meant, Faith was happy.

It had been over seven and a half years since Xander had seen any of them. When he had first gone to Africa he had been lost and depressed. The loss of his eye, the loss of Anya, the loss of Sunnydale and everything else that made up his world had overwhelmed him. Giles had been so wrapped up in trying to salvage the Watcher Council and get it reorganized that he hadn't noticed. Willow had been like a junkie on a high, both from her use of white magic when she gave Buffy's slayer powers to all the potentials and from her new relationship with Kennedy, she hadn't noticed either. Buffy had gone into such a state of grief and mourning after Spike's death that she was barely aware of anyone, and Dawn was so wrapped up in caring for Buffy she didn't notice anything either.

The only person that seemed to notice the pain Xander was in and how lost he seemed to be was Andrew. Maybe because Andrew was himself an outsider trying to fit in and find a place for himself, or maybe Andrew had depths that no one had ever realized were there, but whatever the reason, Andrew had noticed. When the witch's from the Coven informed Giles that there were a number of newly emerged slayers in Africa and someone needed to go there and locate them, it was Andrew who had suggested that Giles send Xander. Giles had agreed readily enough, not really giving it much consideration, he had other things on his mind at the time.

Xander had agreed to go, mainly because he had nothing else to do, or wanted to do. The few months that had originally been envisioned stretched out and out. One of the things that had painfully occurred was that Xander was gone for over a year before anyone realized that they missed him. Again and again over the years Giles had tried to talk Xander into coming back to England and helping out with the Council. But Xander had always insisted that he was still needed in Africa because news of young girls with slayer powers was always coming out of hidden corners of the dark continent. Another reason that Xander had refused to return to England was his belief that he wasn't really needed there, but in Africa he had a purpose and a place, even though it had been over a year since a new slayer had been located anywhere in the world.

The changes that had occurred in Xander hadn't all taken place at once, and many of them had been extremely painful. But over time and years Xander had found himself and become the kind of man he had always wanted to be, confident and self-reliant. The only reason he had agreed to leave Africa at all was finding out that Spike was alive and that everyone, the survivors of the Hellmouth, were going to go L.A. to meet with him. Xander had immediately agreed to go when Giles called him and explained the situation.

Xander had felt both resentment and pain when he had learned that Spike had died again, fighting against evil in L.A., and no one even told him about it until months afterward. To many nights to remember Xander had laid awake at night thinking about the mistakes he had made in the past. One of the mistakes that had pained him most, once he started dealing with life instead of hiding from it, was the way he had treated Spike over the years. Hind-sight, retrospection, and numerous bottles of beer over the years had eventually opened Xander's eyes and made him aware of how badly he had treated Spike. Guilt had made him realize that his behavior and hatred toward Spike had been based almost totally on a jealous irrational protectiveness toward Buffy that she had never asked for or needed. Again, to many times to remember, Xander tried to count the number of times Spike had saved his life, or any of the others lives, and never a word of thanks or appreciation had he given to Spike. Xander knew in both his heart and his soul that he owed Spike, more than he could ever repay. But coming to L.A. was a first step toward paying that debt and he intended to try his hardest to measure up.

Eventually someone noticed him standing there, it was Faith. When she saw him she didn't recognize him at first, but when she did her eyes got round and her mouth fell open in shock. Her behavior alerted Giles and Robin and they turned to see who Faith was staring at. Robin hadn't know Xander as well as the others, but seeing a man dressed like a Bush Ranger and wearing an eye patch, he put it together quickly and broke into a big smile. Giles was the last to recognize Xander. Giles had known Xander since he was sixteen and somehow had never expected him to change over the years. The Xander he was expecting to arrive from Africa was not the Xander he saw standing across the room from him.

When Giles finally figured it out, and with a smile on his lips started walking toward him, Xander stuck out his hand to shake Giles hand. Giles totally ignored Xander's outstretched hand and instead stepped up to him and wrapped his arms around Xander, forcing Xander to wrap his arms around Giles in return. Giles then gave him a kiss on the cheek and holding him tightly said in Xander's ear "Welcome home my son, welcome home Xander."

When Giles finally released him and stepped back, Xander could see that Giles had tears in his eyes and wasn't even trying to hide the fact. Xander felt a tightening in his chest and for the first time in years realized that the one thing he had never been able to find in Africa was what he was feeling right now, a sense of belonging, of family.

Faith was next to greet him, but in a way that only Faith would think of doing it. She moved toward him quickly and jumping up wrapped her legs around his waist while she wrapped her arms around his neck and proceeded to kiss him all over his face making big kissy-face sound effects. Xander had been forced to grab hold of Faith and hold on to her just to keep her enthusiasm under control. Xander knew that Faith and Robin were a couple and glanced over at Robin to measure his reaction. Robin was looking at him with a big smile on his face and while Faith was still kissing him all over, Robin walked up to him and shook his hand while patting him on one shoulder. With laughter in his voice he said "Faiths way is a little more enthusiastic than mine, but Welcome Home Xander."

Faith had just climbed down from Xander, but was still holding one of his hands and smiling at him, when the front door of the apartment opened. Willow walked in, already talking "Giles, that place you called about dry ice can only supply half of what we asked for, we'll need to get some more from som….." It was at that moment that Willow saw Xander. For nearly her entire life Willow had known Xander and no amount of time or changes could make her not recognize him immediately. Instantly tears started pouring from her eyes and in a blind rush she ran to him and wrapped her arms around him and burying her face in his chest cried uncontrollably with happiness. Xander held Willow in his arms and whispered quiet words to her as he kissed the top of her head and the side of her face repeatedly. Tears started running from his eye and he could barely see. In a choked voice he said loud enough for the others to hear "This is really messing up the whole manly persona, but right now I don't really care."

"That's were your wrong Xan" Faith said quietly as she stepped up to Xander and put one hand on his arm. "Any man that can cry with the people he loves is a better man for it." Faith then started rubbing one hand up and down Willows back, while Xander continued to hold on to her, both of them trying to calm Willow down so that she could stop crying.

It took a few minutes to calm Willow down, but nobody minded. When she was finally able to talk her voice was choked with tears. Xander still held her in his arms as she lifted her face from his chest and looked up at him. "Oh Goddess Xander, I've missed you so much. I was going to try to be all grown up when we saw each other and not cry, but I'm sorry, I couldn't stop myself. I mean there you were and there I was and before I knew what was happening it just started happening and I couldn't stop it and then I didn't want to stop it cause I've missed you so much and I'm so happy. Goddess, Xander, I love you so much and you're my bestest boy type friend in the whole world and we haven't seen each other in such a long time and I've missed you so much." Willow finally stopped talking when Xander gently placed his fingers on her lips. When he took his fingers away he bent his head and kissed her gently on the lips. With his voice also choked with tears and happiness he told her "I love you too Will. I always have and I always will. Best buds are forever and don't ever forget it."

Buffy had heard noise coming from the living room and had gotten up to see what it was about. When she came around the corner and saw Xander standing there holding Willow she also recognized him immediately. In a gasp she said "Xander!" and with tears rushing to her eyes she hurried across the room and pressed her face into his chest next to Willows and started crying. Xander wrapped one arm around her shoulders while he kept the other around Willow. Buffys crying seemed to set Willow off again and then both of them had their faces buried in his chest as they cried. Xander stood there holding both of them kissing them both on top of there heads and hugging them to him tightly. Tears were running from his eye again and as he looked down at them he wondered to himself how he could have stayed away from them both for so long.

Giles was the first to notice that someone else was now standing at the hallway that led to the bedrooms, Kennedy. He quickly walked over and taking her hands in his greeted her. He could see immediately where she was looking and didn't know what to say. "It's okay Giles" Kennedy said quietly. When Giles looked back at her he could see that she had a tear ready to fall from one eye. "They've been apart for a long time now. I'm just happy their together again."

(01/05)

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	22. Reunions 22

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Reunions / Part 22

Dawn found Spike sitting just inside an open doorway of the ground level warehouse, looking outside at the bright sunlight. He was smoking a cigarette and by the number of cigarette butts laying together on the floor he had been sitting there for awhile. She'd been searching for him for more than an hour, ever since he'd run off while she'd been talking to Buffy on the phone. She'd searched the lower level first and then started on the upper level. She was walking quietly when she spotted him, but she knew he'd detected her. Actually, he'd probably detected her as soon as she entered this part of the warehouse. So she knew he could have hidden from her if he'd wanted to and she would have never found him.

She didn't say anything until she sat down next to him and folded her legs into a lotus position. When she did speak she kept her voice low, "Are you okay? I was getting worried about you."

"I'm fine, Pet. Just needed to get away to do some thinking. Smoke to much when I'm thinking." Spike looked over at Dawn and could tell she was holding back a snarky comment. "It's the fags that smoke Luv, not my brain" he said as he tilted his head to one side slightly and cocked an eyebrow at her.

Dawn grinned at him and then scooted herself over until she was right next to him. She laced one of her arms with one of his, then bent her head so that it was laying across his shoulder. "It's not as much fun as it use to be, thinking up little snarks to say to you, not when I don't really mean them" Dawn said quietly as she let out a sigh of breath. "Remember back when we use to be able to say anything to each other and we knew we were just teasing."

Spike let his head lean sideways until it rested up against Dawns. "You can still say anything you want, Pet. I'm not going to hold it against you."

"Maybe not" Dawn said quietly, but with a tone of sadness in her voice. "That doesn't mean I won't hold it against myself though." Spike thought he knew where Dawn was going with this conversation and didn't want it to go there, but he knew she had to go there anyway. "I really am sorry, about that time, after you came back. I know I was mad at you and you've already said I had every right to be mad at you, but still, I wish I hadn't said it."

"Dawn, Luv" Spike said quietly, "if wish's were penny's I'd be a bloody millionaire. There are a lot of bad things I've done over my time, but that night, what I tried to do, I'd give anything to take that back. But I can't do that you see, so I have to live with it, every day. When I came back and you were mad at me, I understood why you were mad, and you should understand that I wasn't mad at you, or angry, or anything. I deserved your anger and you had every right to feel that way. I'm just sorry I let you down. You'll never know how sorry I am."

"Can we both just say were sorry, and try to forget it happened?" Dawn asked barely above a whisper.

"Yeah, we can Luv, but it doesn't change what happened does it, and it's not really the kind of thing that anybody ever really forgets, is it?" Spike said with a note of sadness in his voice that made Dawn want to cry for him.

"Well, maybe if we can't forget, maybe we could just forgive?" Dawn asked with a small note of hope in her voice.

"There's the salt in the wound, Pet" Spike said, his voice was choked with emotion. "You might find it in your heart to forgive me for what I did that night, but I'll never be able to forgive myself."

Giles, Faith and Robin all had things to do and decided to leave Buffy, Xander and Willow alone for awhile. When they left the apartment they took Kennedy with them to fill her in on what had been happening and where they were all going tonight. For a little over an hour the three friends cried a little, talked a little, but mostly they just held on to each other, basking in the presence of their mutual friendship and love for each other.

They were still sitting together talking quietly when Vi and Sara came through the front door. Vi needed to talk to Willow about some of the plans for the night and had a list of things she needed Willow to look over. Willow got up from the couch where they had all been sitting and started looking over the list while she talked to Vi. Sara stood next to Vi for a few moments then walked over to the couch and sat down next to Xander. As she sat down she lifted one of his arms and wrapped it around her shoulder and snuggled herself up close to him. Xander's mouth had fallen open at first and then spread into a smile.

Buffy was still sitting on the couch next to Xander holding one of his hands. When Sara snuggled up to him, almost possessively, Buffy's eyes widened with surprise and then a smile spread across her face as she tilted her head a little to one side and cocked an eyebrow at him. Xander, seeing the look, smiled back at her and shrugged his shoulders. Sara, sitting with her eyes closed, slipped one hand behind his back while the other slipped across his stomach to settle at his waist. She let a little sigh of contentment escape her lips as she rubbed he cheek against his chest.

Buffy cocked her eye at Xander again and said with laughter in her voice, "I didn't know you guys even knew each other."

"Just met" Xander replied as he looked down at the top of Sara's head as she continued to snuggle into his chest. "I think she thinks I'm her long lost teddy bear or something."

"More like her catnip toy" Vi said from where she was standing. When Xander and Buffy looked up at her, Vi was smiling at them.

"Ah, she wouldn't happen to be, ah, part demon, would she?" Xander asked with a touch of nervousness and a little laughter in his voice. "I've sort'a got a history with women who feel attracted to me. Usually when someone acts this way around me they either turn into a demon or a giant bug, and try to kill me."

"Nah, not a demon" Vi said as she started to chuckle, "she's just in heat."

Sara's eyes opened slightly at the comment and lifting her head from Xander's chest she looked up at him and said in a low breathy voice, "I'm not a demon or a bug. I just like you and want to know you better, that's all. Besides, you smell good." Sara settled her cheek against Xander's chest again and closed her eyes.

"Well drop an ice cube in your panties girl, we've got work to do, let's go" Vi told Sara, but still with a laughing and friendly tone in her voice. Sara let out a sigh and reluctantly unwrapped herself from around Xander and stood up. She then bent over Xander and gave him a quick soft kiss on the lips, then stood back up and joined Vi as she left the room. As they were going out the door Sara said to Vi's back "Spoilsport!"

Once Vi and Sara left the room, Xander stretched back in his seat putting his hands behind his head, his feet up on the coffee table, and grinned at Buffy and Willow. "You think it's the patch? Girls like the patch!" he said as his grin got even bigger. Willow and Buffy looked at him and then at each other, then they all burst out into laughter.

With forty-one of them going to Spike's warehouse, forty-two if you counted Dawn who was already there, the decision had been made to rent another SUV, a special van for Angel and a medium sized U-Haul truck. The truck was for carrying food, soda and other items that Willow and the others had noticed that Spike and his kids could use. Getting the extra SUV and the U-Haul had been easy, the hard part had been finding a van that was setup to carry a wheelchair and had a ramp.

Sara had arranged for the extra SUV and the truck, but had struck-out finding a specially equipped van. Giles had ended up making about a dozen calls and eventually made an agreement with an agency that worked with the elderly and handicapped. Giles had agreed to rent the van at a lavishly inappropriate cost for a week, but had grumbled about it all afternoon. Especially after Sara told him that for half the cost she could have retro-fitted a regular van, if she'd had a day or two to work on it.

The plane Angel was coming in on was going to land just after sunset at an auxiliary airport just outside the city. Sara, because she was the best driver of all the slayers, was given the job of driving the van. When she tried to talk Xander into going with her Vi vetoed the idea and one of Faith's slayers from Cleveland was assigned to go with her.

The ride out took a little over an hour and Sara got to the airport just as the sun was setting. A half hour later the special plane, which was owned by the Council, landed and taxied directly into a hanger where Sara was waiting. The plane was an old jet cargo carrier, but it was very well maintained. The Council used it mainly to haul artifacts that they collected around the world that wouldn't be safe to ship through normal means. Sometimes it was also used to carry slayer teams to hotspots of demon activity. Giles had been extremely lucky that the plane had been available when he needed it to transport Angel to Los Angeles. Being a cargo plane primarily, one of it's better features was that the back of the plane opened up and had a ramp for loading and off-loading cargo.

The plane had barely stopped inside the hanger when the back doors swung out and the ramp started lowering. A minute later Sara saw Angel at the top of the ramp in his wheelchair. Ruth was flanking him on one side while Conner was flanking him on the other. Nina was walking just behind the wheelchair at his back. Angel grabbed the wheel guides and started moving forward down the ramp. When the wheelchair started rolling to fast he used his large strong hands to slow it down and control it's descent.

Angel could have used an electric wheelchair, he had the resources available to purchase one, but he had always refused. Since the loss of the use of his legs his pride wouldn't let him take the easy way of getting around. After nearly seven years in his wheelchair, and daily workouts with heavy weights, his upper body strength was greater than it had been before his injury and he used it to his advantage. The funny thing, if you could call anything about his situation funny, was the fact that even though he couldn't use his legs, the muscles hadn't atrophied at all, they just didn't work. Dozen's of specialist, both medical and mystic had examined him over the years and no one had been able to repair the damage done to his spine. His spine had healed like all the other injuries to his body, but whatever damage had been done to it had not healed along with the bone and muscle.

When the wheelchair made the final bump off of the ramp, Sara opened the door and stepped out of the van where Angel could see her clearly. Sara noticed that when Angel recognized her he immediately started looking to see who the other person was in the van. When the other slayer got out of the van and he realized it wasn't anyone he knew, Sara could see the disappointment on his face for just a moment, then it was gone. She knew who he had hoped to see, he's hoped for Buffy, and felt badly for him but she didn't let it show on her face. As he rolled up to the van Angel smiled at Sara and the other slayer and spoke to them briefly. Sara greeted Nina and Connor, and while they helped get Angel loaded into the van, she gave Ruth a hug in greeting.

Ruth was one of the "Inner Circle" slayers that had been at the Hellmouth when the "Sharing" had occurred. Like all of the survivors, slayers anyway, Ruth still looked like an eighteen year old girl instead of a twenty-six year old woman. Normally someone like Ruth, a Senior Slayer and a Member of the Council, wouldn't be assigned to watch over Angel. But a year and a half earlier she had been badly injured and after healing and rehabilitation she had been assigned to Angel as light duty. She still walked with a slight limp from almost having her leg bitten off by a demon in Brazil. Once Angel was loaded and everyone else was seated, Sara started up the van and drove back to the city.

The drive back took almost an hour and a half because of traffic and most of it was in silence. At first Ruth had been full of questions about Spike and what he had been doing all these years and why hadn't he ever contacted anyone to let them know he was alive. Sara shared the information she knew and talked about how Spike rescued orphans and protected the homeless from vampires and demons.

Angel had listen to the information Sara was sharing and didn't say anything. When there was lull in the conversation, due to Sara having to deal with traffic, before anyone else could say anything or she resumed talking, he blurted out "Does he still hate me?"

Sara hesitated for several moments of silence before she answered. "Actually Angel, I don't know how he feels about you. Until just a few days ago he thought you were dead."

"What did he say when he found out" Angel asked, his voice was low, but you could hear the stress in it.

"From what I saw he didn't say much of anything" Sara told him, "he just got up and went to bed."

"That's it? He went to bed? He didn't say anything?" Angel asked incredulously.

"Yeah, that's it" Sara replied. She was a little surprised by Angels attitude and tone of voice so she added "What did you expect him to do, have a party, throw a fit, start crying?"

"Damn it, any of the three would be fine, at least I'd understand what's going on" Angel snapped out. After several long moments of silence Angel took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Look, I'm sorry for snapping at you Sara, it's just that I'm worried. If Spike were happy or angry or sad or even all three at once, I could deal with that, but for him to feel nothing, that kind of shakes things up for me. That's not like Spike, not the Spike I know."

"Angel, I'm not really the one to be talking to about these thing. I don't really have all the facts on Spike" Sara explained. "I'm not part of the Circle or on the Council so most of what I hear is second or third hand gossip. All I know is that when Willow told Spike you were alive I didn't see him react in any way. Maybe he said something, maybe he did something I didn't see, I don't know. All I saw was him getting up and going to bed. But I do know that he won't talk to anyone about you or Buffy. If anyone brings either one of you up he won't talk to them about it."

"Thanks Sara" Angel replied after a few moments of silence. "What you said, about Spike refusing to talk about me or Buffy, that's kind of a problem for me. I don't know what you know about Spike and me or how he felt about Buffy, but when he came back after the Hellmouth, I'm the one that convinced him to stay away from her. I knew that things were over between me and Buffy a long time before that time, but I was always trying to do things, or manipulate things, so that she would be happy. I wanted her to have a normal life. Having Spike in her life was not what I considered a happy or normal life, so I pretty much beat him over the head telling him the only way he could ever make Buffy happy was by staying out of her life. I don't think Buffy's ever forgiven me for that, not that I blame her. But if it turns out that the reason Spike hasn't contacted Buffy for all these years is because of me, God, she'll hate me."

(01/05)

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	23. Reunions 23

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Reunions / Part 23

The rest of the ride back to the hotel was pretty much in silence. It was just past 9:30 when they got to the hotel, so Sara drove to the back corner of the parking lot where everyone else was waiting. Sara pulled into a parking slot that had been left open for her and as soon as she came to a full stop Buffy was there pulling open the side door on the van. She jumped inside and gave everyone a quick hug and told Angel to stay in the van because they would all be pulling out soon. Everyone else got out of the van to stretch their legs. Buffy stayed briefly to talk to Angel and then was gone again. Faith and Robin stopped by briefly, then went to the car they were assigned. Willow rushed by with a wave of her hand. Giles came by and asked Angel how his trip was, but spent most of the time he was there talking to Nina and Connor. At the last minute Andrew came to the van and getting inside climbed into a back seat without talking to anyone.

When Vi came to the drivers door and gave Sara a walkie-talkie and told her what her position would be in their little convoy, everyone went to their assigned transport and the signal was given to go. Each of the vehicles left a minute apart so that they wouldn't be bunched up together and draw attention. For an hour the spread out convoy circled around the warehouse area while Willow and the other three witch's used seeker spells to try to locate any vampires or demons in the area. Once she was certain that there wasn't anyone close enough to be a danger Willow gave the signal to one of the SUV's and it broke away from the circling convoy and drove to the warehouse. A minute later another SUV, then the truck, then a SUV, then the van, then the SUV Buffy was in and lastly the SUV carrying Willow and the other three witches.

All of the people driving had been to the warehouse before and knew to turn off their headlights and where to go. When all seven vehicles were together they shut off all their lights and their engines. Willow was the only one to get out of her car and walked out in front of all of them and popped one of her glow lights up into the air. For ten minutes everyone sat in silence waiting for Spike to arrive. The only sounds that could be heard was some scurrying sounds to far back in the dark to see what was making them. When a light came around a corner Willow was the first to notice it. A tall skinny girl with long blond hair carried a lantern across the room and sat it down on the floor. She then walked back into the dark shadows.

From the moment they had entered the warehouse Buffy had been reaching out with her slayer senses searching for Spike. For that feeling that once long ago she had been able to identify as him. The feeling that had become so strong between them that she could always tell when he was near. The feeling that had been missing from her life for so long that she was afraid she had lost the ability to identify it any longer. Minutes went by, and then more minutes, but no Spike. When the girl with the light came into the open Buffy almost jumped out of the car, but Giles steadying hand on her arm kept her in place. When the girl left the light on the floor and walked back into the dark, Buffy wanted to chase after her. She sat in her seat chewing her bottom lip nervously, twisting her hands together, waiting.

When another light came out of the dark Buffy let her breath out in a gasp. She hadn't even realized that she had been holding her breath. She sat there sucking air into her lungs, trying to steady herself. As the flashlight moved forward and blended with the light on the floor and the light from Willows glow ball, Buffy was finally able to see that it was Dawn. Buffy didn't wait any longer, she was out of the car and rushing toward her. When they met in the glow of the lights they wrapped their arms around each other. Dawn was taller than Buffy and with her high heeled boots on she was even taller than usual. Buffy had her arms around Dawns waist while Dawn had hers around Buffys shoulders. Looking at them it would have been difficult to tell who was the younger and who was the older. Others started getting out of the cars and trucks, but none of them moved forward, giving the two young women a moment together.

When Buffy leaned back from Dawn, but with her arms still around her waist, she looked up and saw that Dawn was smiling, but it seemed a nervous smile. A wave of fear rushed through Buffy and her entire body started to vibrate with tension. "Dawn, please tell me what's wrong? I know something's wrong, I can feel it." Buffy's voice quivered a little, she bit down on her bottom lip to stop it from trembling.

Dawns voice was a little tense when she started speaking, "There's nothing wrong Buffy, not really. It's just that Spike wasn't expecting so many of us to show up" Dawn explained. "I mean he knew that Giles was coming and you, and he figured Willow and the others that had been here before would come too, but there's more of us than he was expecting. More than I knew were coming, and, uh …… Buffy, he felt Angel. I didn't know Angel was coming. It kind of upset him, took him by surprise. Spike doesn't like surprises."

"Should Angel leave?" Buffy asked quickly. "We could have someone take him back to the hotel."

"It's a little late for that, he already knows Angels here" Dawn said, her voice still tense. "Making him leave won't change anything now. Buffy, he thought Angel was dead, and that's why he never came back. Finding out he's alive, ….. it upset him. He won't talk about it, but I know it upset him. No ones had a chance to explain why Angel didn't come back because he won't let them talk about him."

"Is he mad at me? Does he think I did something to hurt him." Buffy asked quickly. "Dawn, I didn't know anything about anything until Giles got me on the plane. I didn't know Angel was coming or anyone else either!" Buffys voice was shaking, her eyes glistened, she looked as if she could start crying at any moment.

"I know Buffy, I know" Dawn said as she hugged Buffy to her and held her tight, her own voice sounding as if she were ready to cry.

Buffy forced herself to push back from Dawn and wiped her eyes with the tips of her fingers. She visibly took hold of herself and got her emotions under control. "I don't want him to see me crying. It took all afternoon for the puffiness to go down from crying all the way over here. Is my makeup okay? Do I look alright? I want to look good when he sees me." Buffy was forcing a tone of cheerfulness into her voice. She made herself smile. She tried to look happy.

Dawn wiped her own eyes and tried to get herself under control. "You look fine Buffy. You look just like he remembers you looking."

It was true, Buffy did look just like she had the last time she saw Spike. She still looked like the twenty-two year old woman who had led a group of other young women, and a vampire with a soul, into the Hellmouth to save the world. She still had that look in her eyes like the day the Hellmouth collapsed, and took the man she had finally admitted she loved away from her. She looked as if a part of her was missing.

As the others got out of the cars and trucks they grouped up behind Buffy and Dawn. Giles, Willow and Xander came forward to be with them. Faith and Robin joined them next. The slayers drifted up and spread out behind them. Through no real conscious effort the slayers who had been at the Hellmouth with Buffy, and with Spike, lined up behind them, with the other slayers staying to the back. The three witch's from the Coven took a position on the left side. They were with the group, but not within the group. Angel moved his wheelchair so that he was to the opposite side of the group from where the witch's were standing, with Nina on one side and Connor on the other. One lone figure was standing away from the group, off to the side, almost into the dark. His arms were folded across his chest tightly, his head was bent in order to avoid eye contact with the others, and if the light had been good enough, tears would have been seen on Andrews face.

With the only light in the large room coming from the lantern sitting on the floor, Dawns flashlight and the glow ball floating in the air, the dense darkness was almost oppressive. Willow reached into her pocket and pulled a couple of packets out and breaking them open with her fingers threw them into the air while speaking a word of power. The dust she had thrown into the air formed two glowing balls of light that doubled the amount of light in the room.

The sudden increase in light brought to everyone's attention the large group of Spikes children who had been standing in the dark unseen. That they could be there, so close, yet unseen and undetected by either witch's or slayer's did not go unnoticed. Angel, the only one of the group who might have known they were there due to their scent, had shown no indication that he was aware of their presence either until they were shown in the light.

The tall thin girl with the long blonde hair came around a corner with another lit lantern and set it on the floor a good thirty feet from the first lantern. The glow of the two lanterns met at the edges of their illumination, but did not intersect. It was as if there was a line between the two groups, a line that wasn't yet to be crossed over.

When the group of children, standing more in shadow than in the light, parted, Spike came walking through their midst. He was holding Joy's hand as she walked beside him. He stopped short of the lantern and looking down at Joy he smiled at her. Joy made a low cooing sound and released his hand. Spike stepped forward into the full light of the lantern sitting on the floor. His white blonde hair was a riot of curls, completely unlike the way he had worn it years ago when the others had known him. He no longer wore a black leather duster, as their memories about him always recalled. Instead he was dressed in tight black leather motorcycle pants, heavy black motorcycle boots, and a tight fitting black leather motorcycle jacket that was zipped up to his throat. A six inch by four inch silver cross was hanging from a heavy silver chain from around his neck and lay on his chest over his heart. In the light of the lantern, if you looked closely, dark blue-black archaic symbols were visible on the arms and legs of the leathers. Matching symbols could also be seen on the cross. His skin was so pale that it was almost translucent, but the blue of his eyes caught the light and almost seemed to glow of their own. His face was distant, and hard, as if he were standing before an enemy and dared not show any weakness before them. He had a tight smile on his lips.

Buffy had watched Spike move forward into the light and had been transfixed by the sight of him. There were obvious things about him that had changed, but at the same time he looked just the same as the last time she saw him, in the Hellmouth. Unconsciously she started to step forward toward him, but Dawn grabbed her arm and stopped her. Buffy glanced quickly at Dawn and tried to pull her arm free. Dawn held on to her arm and whispered "Don't!" Buffy stopped trying to pull free and looked at Dawn closely. She saw that Dawn had her jaws clenched tight and was very nervous. When Buffy looked back at Spike she could see that he was purposefully not looking directly at her. Buffy felt a tightening in her chest and had to open her mouth to breath in enough air.

Spike stood before them and focused his eyes on Giles. As he continued to stare at Giles he saw him become uncomfortable under his gaze. Giles then squared his shoulders and stared back at Spike. A slight smile came to Spikes lips. "Did you think you had to bring an army with you, Rupert?" Spike said with a slight edge to his voice.

At first thought Giles was confused by Spikes statement, until he realized that thirty slayers, four witch's and eight other fighters could very well be considered to be an army. Giles let his face relax and smiled at Spike for a moment before speaking. "I hadn't really thought about the numbers that much to be honest with you Spike. If you look closely you will notice that you know almost everyone here. Most of them in fact came here for the specific purpose of seeing you."

"Why would that be, Rupert?" Spike asked as he studied the young women.

"Of the thirty-four people that went into the Hellmouth in Sunnydale, twenty-five of us came out alive." Giles made sure that everyone in the room could hear him, especially Spikes children. "It was only because of what you did that day, your sacrifice, that any of us lived at all. We all thought you died that day saving the world, and incidentally our lives. Recently when we learned that you were still alive I notified all of the survivors. We have all come here to thank you for what you did that day and to offer you our gratitude and our friendship."

A crooked smile spread across Spikes lips as he looked at Giles. "Bloody hell, Rupert, that must have hurt a bit, didn't it?" Spike said, but there was a tone of amusement in his voice.

"Actually, not as much as you might think" Giles replied lightly, a smile also on his face. "Time and good thoughts have softened the edges of past memories to where I barely felt a twinge at all."

Spike burst out with a short laugh at the comment as he looked out at the slayers lined up across from him. It took him a few moments, but he started putting names and faces to the young potentials he had helped train to fight against Caleb and the army of the First. It bothered him somewhat that they all seemed to still look the same as they had in Sunnydale, but of course with four witch's with them they must all be under a glamour. Still it seemed a bit excessive. Unless they were doing it so that he could recognize them?

Spikes eyes roved over the group before him. He deliberately kept his eyes from meeting with Buffys. He saw that Faith and Robin were there, that was expected. Dawn, Buffy and Willow were all together. But directly behind Willow was someone new. It took a moment before he realized who it was, the whelp, Harris. But he wasn't a whelp, a boy, any longer. The man standing across from him had changed more than any of the others. This man had little about him that resembled the youth he'd had to deal with years earlier. He wondered if this man hated him as much as the boy always had? He didn't see any outward signs of hostility, but that didn't mean anything, maybe he just had better control of himself than he did in the past. Now wasn't the time to be thinking about that anyway. But he would keep a wary eye on him just the same.

His eyes kept roaming, he let them pass over Angel, but didn't stop. He wasn't ready to deal with that yet. When he couldn't find who he was looking for he turned his gaze back to Giles. "Where's the boy, Rupert" he asked, "where's Andrew?"

Giles glanced to both sides and then turning he looked behind, but he couldn't locate Andrew in the crowd. Before he could turn back and say anything, a voice from the shadows off to the side said "Here!"

Spike looked in the direction of the voice and watched Andrew step barely out of the shadows. He wasn't the boy Spike remembered from Sunnydale, or from the last time he saw him in Rome either. The young man standing before him had changed too. His face was much the same, maybe a little thinner, his hair was cut shorter, and the clothes he wore fitted properly and were stylish in a conservative way. The gray slacks, off white shirt, gray-on-gray stripped tie and the gray tweed jacket all went well together and made him look good. Like a proper Junior Watcher. But the way he was folded in upon himself, and the traces of tears still on his face, spoke loudly to Spike. Spike knew immediately what the problem was and felt the sting of anger. The boy had kept his promise and now the others were angry with him.

Spike knew what needed to be done, not for himself, but for the boy. He stepped away from the lantern on the floor and walked over to Andrew. Stopping a few feet away from him he spoke with his voice raised loud enough for all to hear. "It's few enough who have kept their word to me Andrew. There's even some that think making a promise to a vampire like me has no value at all. But you made your promise to me lad, you kept my secrete and kept your word, I won't forget that, ever." Spike then stepped up to Andrew and wrapped his arms around him in a hug of friendship and respect. In a voice low enough that no one else could hear, Spike whispered in Andrews ear, "Don't you let these bloody wankers make you feel less than you are boy. You made your promise to me, and you kept it. A real man honors his word. If they can't deal with it, you just tell them to 'sod off'. You hear me?"

Andrew had his arms around Spike and was hugging him in return. Hearing Spikes words in his ear, a slight chuckle escaped him. "Yeah, I hear you Bro." Andrew straightened his shoulders and stood straight before Spike, looking him in the eyes. "I never thought I'd get the chance to say this, but I've missed you Spike. I'm glad you didn't die again."

Spike let a sincere smile spread across his lips as he spoke. "Yeah, all things considered, I'm fairly happy about it myself."

Spike gave Andrew another quick hug and turning walked back to the light. Andrew wiped tears from his eyes and then straitening his shoulders again, he walked out of the shadows and joined the line of slayers. When Spike was back in the light he looked over and saw that one of the slayers, one that he remembered from Sunnydale, had an arm around Andrews shoulder and was giving him a hug. Looking at them he gave them both a smile.

Back in the light the smile on his face remained until he swung his gaze toward Angel. The smile left his face and the skin tightened as he clenched his jaws. His eyes narrowed as he looked closely at Angel for the first time. The wheelchair didn't mean anything to Spike, he'd been in one himself, several times over the past hundred plus years. Vampires could sustain massive injuries and survive, but even a vampire needed time to recover from some injuries. Angels hair was the same as the last time he saw him, still poofed up with to much gel. He looked heavier in the shoulders and chest than he remembered, but not that much. The rest of him looked the same as before. He still furrowed his brow with disapproval whenever he had to deal with Spike. He still frowned as he brooded. He still hated Spike just for existing. Nothings changed.

"Why are you here, Angelus?" Spike asked suddenly into the quiet. "Surely not out of friendship or gratitude, we both know better than that."

The room had been quiet before, but with Spikes statement to Angel, the room became even quieter. No one moved, no one spoke, some even held their breath, waiting.

"Hrump" Angel said as he cleared his throat. "Ah, when I heard you were alive again, er, not dead, er, not dust" Angel stumbled through the sentence, "I thought I should come see you, to explain things."

"What's to explain, Angelus?" Spike said angrily. "You asked us to fight, all your friends died, you ran away and didn't come back. What needs to be explained?"

"That's not how it happened Spike and you know it" Angel snapped back angrily. "I didn't run away. Illyria carried me off while I was unconscious. I didn't have a choice. By the time I woke up it was to late. The fight was over, I thought you were dead" Angel shouted.

The anger on Spikes face was readable to everyone in the room, he vamped out and he looked as if he was going to charge across the room and attack Angel. Then it was gone, he straightened up, his face smoothed out, a tight look of indifference was on his face now. In a tight calm voice he spoke to Angel. "When we agreed to fight, all of us, we knew we were going to die. You told us we couldn't win, but we could make a difference. You told us we could hurt them Angelus, and we did, we hurt them bad. But it was all for nothing. You were gone, the Slayer wrote the city off, (Spike heard Buffy gasp when he said this) there was no one to stop them from coming back and taking over again."

Stung to his soul by Spikes words, Angel responded defensively between gritted teeth, "What about you? You were here, what were you doing, hiding?"

A grim smile came across Spikes face. "I was here Angelus. I did what I could. I saved a few and protected a few more. I even made some friends. But I didn't have the bloody Powers on my side now, did I? I didn't have prophecies and oracles and redemption working for me, did I? All I could do was to keep fighting, saving one life at a time, helping the helpless." 

Hearing Spike say 'helping the helpless' drained all traces of anger out of Angel. That had been his mission, to help the helpless, and he had given it up to save his son, to give him a chance at a normal life. He had made a bargain with the devil to take over Wolfram & Hart, thinking he could change things from the inside. Thinking that he could make a big difference in the lives of many instead of little differences in the lives of a few. Instead his friends were all dead, he was a cripple, and he'd failed to help anyone.

"Course your right about one thing" Spike continued, "I have been hiding." Spike lifted up the cross from his chest and flashed it at Angel. "The bloody sod's haven't forgotten what we did, not by a long shot. No, they been trying to track me down for years now. Wankers almost got me a few times too. So it might be a good idea for you to go back to wherever you were hiding right quick now, before they find out your in town and come looking for you."

"I haven't been hiding Spike" Angel said in a flat emotionless tone of voice. "They just don't see me as a threat anymore. A vampire with a soul locked in a wheelchair doesn't worry them all that much, or fulfill any prophecies either."

It wasn't until that very moment that Spike realized that Angel being in a wheelchair wasn't a temporary thing due to some recent injury. He remembered his own injuries from that battle with the demon army sent to destroy them. He remembered the weeks he had spent undergoing mystic surgeries under the care of the Hool-Mar priests, and more months before he could walk again. It finally occurred to him why Angel hadn't come back. Like an epiphany it occurred to him that maybe Angel didn't deserve all the anger he was feeling toward him after all. Some of it, yeah, for certain, but maybe not all of it.

He stared at Angel for a moment, watching him, seeing his bent neck, his defeated look. As much as he loathed and despised Angel at times, he had never seen him bow to defeat. Being in a wheelchair had done more than prevent Angel from coming back to L.A. to carry on the fight. It had taken something else away from him, his pride, his honor. Seeing Angel humbled gave Spike an instant of joy, but only that. Seeing the defeated look on his face also made him angry. He remembered those last days with Angel before the final battle. He remembered that they had seemed to have finally found a place where they were both able tolerate each other, to accept each other without the constant fighting. Spike didn't know if they would ever find that place again, but he made the decision not to close the door on the possibility, not just yet.

All of these thought had flashed through Spikes mind within moments of what Angel had just said to him. He looked at Angel and let a grin return to his face, "That's right stupid of them don't you think, chum? Writing you off's not the smartest thing they've ever done, now is it? We'll just have to see what we can do about that, won't we?"

Angel heard the change in Spikes tone of voice and looking up saw the grin on his face. He didn't have the slightest idea what Spike was grinning about or what he was talking about either, but the 'we' in his last statement indicated that the two of them had a common goal. Angel grinned back a Spike, not really knowing why he was grinning, and watched Spikes grin turn into a smile. "Yeah, we'll have to do that, won't we?" was his reply as he smiled back.

Having finished with Angel, Spike turned back to face Giles. He again avoided any eye contact with Buffy, as if she wasn't even in the room. Speaking only to Giles, hurrying along as quickly as possible, wanting to get away before he had to speak to Buffy, he said "You can settle your people in here tonight, we're not expecting anyone else until early morning. My kids will give you a hand with anything you might need. I'm going to get my young one's to bed for the night, I'll see you in the morning." Having gotten that out in one quick rush, Spike turned away and started to walk toward his children and out of the light.

Buffy had been watching every move Spike made and listened to every word he had to say. She saw the initial potential confrontation with Giles turn into one of humor and acceptance. She watched him single out Andrew and publicly thank him for keeping secret that he'd come back after the Hellmouth and was alive again. He had made the promise a point of honor that he appreciated Andrew keeping all these years. He had also kept a distance between himself and everyone else, except for Andrew, that everyone had plainly noticed. She had seen him glancing over the faces of the slayers and was certain that he had recognized many of them.

When he started his confrontation with Angel she could feel his hostility and anger. She also felt that somehow he thought Angel had betrayed him, and the others who had died, by not coming back. But somewhere in there Spike had realized why Angel hadn't come back, and that seemed to make a difference. She had watched him as he studied Angel and could see the changes that were going on in his mind by watching the changes in his eyes. The fact that they ended up smiling at each other, even though there was tension still between them, was the most surprising thing of all.

When he finished with Angel, Buffy felt that she would now get her chance to speak to him. She'd been told by the others that he hadn't allowed any of them to talk about either her or Angel. But seeing how things had turned out with Angel she had her hopes up. She knew he was reluctant to talk to her and she wasn't sure why. Her greatest fear was that he didn't love her anymore. That over the years he had stopped loving her and now loved someone else. She had never understood why he had never let her know he was alive again after the Hellmouth. But she also remembered that the last time they had seen each other, in the Hellmouth, she had told him she loved him, and he had denied her love. He'd told her she didn't mean it. That memory had haunted Buffy for eight years.

Buffy was so busy thinking about what she wanted to say she didn't realize at first that Spike was telling Giles to settle in for the night and was getting ready to leave. He had already turned away when she did realize it and called out "Spike" loud enough for everyone to hear. When he kept walking she called out again "Spike, please!"

Spike stopped at the edge of the light and turned back toward Buffy. She had unconsciously walked from the pool of light she was standing in to the lantern he had been standing next to. When he turned around she'd stopped automatically. She could see that his face was cold and distant, his posture rigid, his eyes looking past her and not at her.

"Spike, please talk to me" Buffy asked calmly. She was forcing herself to stay calm. She forced herself to smile at him. She forced herself to stay in control of her emotions. "It's been a long time. I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, Slayer" Spike responded, his voice clipped and toneless.

Calling her 'Slayer' sent a knife of pain through Buffy's heart. Slayer was what he use to call her when he was trying to put distance between them, when he was angry at her, when he was hurt by something she had done or said to him.

"I've missed you a lot Spike, more than you might believe, but it's true. I think about you everyday. When I thought you were dea ….. gone, I tried to remember everything about you. I tried to remember everything we said to each other." As Buffy continued to talk a quiver came into her voice. "Sometimes the things we, …. I said weren't very nice, I know, but I didn't want to forget anything. I tried to remember the times we were together too. Mo… mostly the good times though. But I remembered the ba … bad ones too. Because I didn't wa…. want to forget."

Spike continued to look past Buffy and not at her. When he spoke his voice was distant and empty of emotion. "I remember too, Slayer. Long time past, best be forgotten."

Buffy started speaking quickly, as if she couldn't get the words out fast enough. "I can't forget, Spike. I don't want to forget. I remember the Hellmouth. I remember you calling my name and I came to you. I remember the light, you were shining." As she spoke Buffy's eyes seemed to go out of focus. "I remember taking your hand in my hand, and they caught fire, but it didn't burn." She reached out as if taking his hand in hers. "I told you I loved you, but you didn't believe me. Spike it was true, when I said it, when I told you I loved you, I meant it." Buffy's eyes came back into focus as she looked across the short distance between them. "I still love you. Do you understand. I love you Spike."

Buffy saw Spike look directly into her eyes, she saw his eyes go soft and fill with pain, she saw the mask he had been holding start to crumble, she heard him say, "No, you don't. But, thanks for saying it." Spike spun on his heel and walked away quickly. When he was fully out of the light she heard him running away from her.

Buffy stood transfixed, unable to move or say anything, then she crumbled to the floor. Her body trembled and shook, she couldn't draw her breath, tears filled her eyes and she couldn't see, pain and anguish robbed her of thought, she wanted to die.

A scream of pain echoed from the throats of both Dawn and Joy at the same time as they both rushed to Buffy to wrap their arms around her to try to sooth her. Everyone else seemed frozen, unable to move. As Buffy sobbed on the floor, Dawn and Joy cried with her.

(01/05)

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	24. Reunions 24

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Reunions / Part 24

Spike had been stalking the sewers and warehouses for over three hours, searching for someone or something to fight. The emotional pain he was feeling was so overwhelming that he needed to find someway to burn it out of his mind. Since his meeting with Buffy he hadn't been able to stop thinking about what she had said to him, or what he had said to her. He was determined to stay away until all of the Watchers, Witches, Slayers, Angel, the whole bloody lot of them, and Buffy, were gone. He knew he couldn't face Buffy again, not without falling apart completely.

He was also determined to relocate himself and all of his kids to a new location. This time he would make sure that they were never found again. But when he suddenly felt the strong urgent call from Joy, as if she were in pain or danger, he froze in his tracks and all thoughts of running away and hiding vanished from his thoughts. He cursed himself for leaving her alone, without his protection, and started running back through the sewers to their hidden home as quickly as possible.

When he entered the basement hallways of the warehouse where he and his children lived the first thing he noticed was that there were no lookouts to guard the way. He couldn't feel the presents of any of his children, or anyone else either. The only thing he could feel was the distress call of Joy pounding in his head and his heart. As he ran toward the hidden room that he and all his children used as a living area his panic rose higher and higher. What happened to his children? Where are all the slayers and witches? What the bloody hell was going on?

As he ran down the final hall toward the large room where he and all his children lived he could feel Joys call of distress coming from inside. When he crashed through the open doorway in a near panic he was surprised to find both Dawn and Joy standing together in the middle of the room holding each others hands. He could still feel the distress emanating off of Joy like a beacon, but he could also see that she was unharmed and wasn't in any danger. He didn't know what was going on. He was confused about where all the other children were and why he couldn't detect them. Why he couldn't detect that Dawn was in the room with Joy.

His first thought was to grab up Joy and run off with her to safety and figure the rest out later. His second and more overwhelming thought, after seeing Dawn, was to turn away and run. To go find some other place to hide, to be alone. But as he turned and headed back toward the doorway Dawn called out, her voice so full of pain and loss it tore his heart "Spike. Please Spike, don't leave me" and it stopped him in his tracks.

Dawn saw Spike stop and as he stood there his shoulders drooped with his arms hanging limply at his sides, his head bent low, his whole body seemed to be shaking. As she walked up behind him, still holding little Joys hand, she could hear him gasping to draw air into his lungs between sobs. Seeing him crying like this broke Dawns heart, but she needed him to talk to her, to explain. When she put her hand on his shoulder, trying to get him to turn to face her, he flinched and resisted being turned. Keeping her hand on his shoulder she walked herself around him until she was in front of him. His head was still bent low and she could only see the top of his head. Looking down she could see his tears splashing in the dust on the floor.

Dawn moved her hand from Spikes shoulder and tried to touch the side of his face, to sooth him, to make him look up at her. At the first slightest touch he turned his head away and tried to turn his back to her again. The tears that Dawn had been trying to hold back for hours couldn't be contained any longer. The pain in her heart was more than she could bear. Letting loose of Joys hand she fell to her knees and bringing her hands up to cover her face she started crying. As she slumped over the sobs that wracked her body seemed as if they would tear her apart.

At first, Spikes tears and his own heart felt pain prevented him from realizing what was happening. But once he understood that it was Dawn who was crying on the floor in front of him he fell to his own knees and reaching out pulled her up from the floor and into his arms. For long minutes he held her, rocking back and forth as he tried to soother and ease her pain. The memories of all the times he had held her after Buffys death on the tower came back to him in a rush. It was like she was his 'Little Bit' again and he needed to be strong again, to protect her from the loss and the pain, again. As he rocked, one hand on her back holding her tightly against his chest, the other hand moved up and down as he stroked her head and back, making little sounds that meant nothing but had always seemed to calm her down in the past.

When he first tried to speak his voice was more of a hoarse rasp than soothing whisper, but as he continued to speak it smoothed out. "Shhh, shhh, it's okay luv, I'm here, I've got you, it's okay, won't let anything hurt you luv, I've got you, it's okay, shhh, shhh, don't need to cry no more, I'm here, I've got you". Over and over he repeated these words, or others that were similar, until at last Dawn had herself back under some control again. There were still tears flowing from her eyes but the great sobs that had wracked her body had subsided. She had wrapped her arms around his waist and had buried her face in his chest. He held her and kissed the top of her head, stroked her head and back, made little noises and spoke soothing word of love and assurance.

When Dawn was finally able to raise her head up from Spikes chest and look into his eyes she could see the tear streaks on his face. She could tell that he was holding back his own tears in order to be of help to her. Gently with his fingers and thumb he wiped away the tear streaks on her face, and just as gently she raised one hand and wiped the streaks from his. She raised herself up in his arms and kissed the side of his face, wrapped her arm around his neck to hold him even tighter and told him with the fullness of her heart "I love you Spike. Please don't leave me again." Spike buried his face in her shoulder and as his tears soaked through her t-shirt she made soothing sounds as she stroked the back of his head and neck and placed little kisses of love to the side of his face.

It took several more minutes before the two of them were both back under enough control of themselves that they could look at each other again without crying. Spike was the first to move as he raised both hands to frame Dawns face and leaning forward placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. "God Bit, I've turned into such a bloody wanker haven't I."

Dawn smiled at Spike and leaning into him kissed him on the cheek. "I'll never tell. You'll always be my Big Bad, promise."

After another couple of minutes of holding each other tightly they both leaned back from each other a little and took deep breaths to get themselves under control. Spike didn't know what to say to Dawn, especially after what had happened earlier that night, so he just held onto her letting her know he was there for her. Dawn could see and feel that Spike wouldn't be the first to speak. She screwed up her courage and asked him the question she had to ask, to get the answer she had to have, to understand.

"Spike, why did you tell Buffy she didn't love you?" Dawn asked quietly as she looked into his eyes. As she watched his face and his eyes she could see that he was trying desperately to hold back a river of tears and a Hellmouth of pain.

Almost choking on the words, Spike gasped out "Cause she doesn't Bit. I know."

"I don't understand Spike. We all heard her say she loves you. How can you say you know she doesn't? Don't you love her anymore?" Dawn asked with a strong note of pain in her own voice.

"Course I still love her" Spike gasped out, his voice raw with emotion. "But she doesn't love me. Don't know why she said she did. I know the truth of it though. She doesn't love me cause she can't."

Saying these words to Dawn was becoming more and more painful to Spike and he released his hold on her and started trying to move away from her. Dawn feeling him moving away held on to him even tighter. Her own distress level started shooting up again and she knew that if she let him go she would never get an answer that made any sense to her or anyone else.

It was at that moment that Joy, who had been standing to the side during all these long minutes of crying and holding, stepped up to them and place a hand on each of their shoulders. A tingling sensation seemed to pass through both of them and their emotional distress lessened greatly. When they both turned their faces toward her, Joy spoke into Spikes mind. Father, you have to tell her the truth. You have to explain it to her.

Within his mind Spike spoke back to Joy, I can't Luv. It would hurt her to much.

But you have to Father. Not understanding is breaking her heart Joy mind spoke in reply.

Couldn't you tell her, you know what I know Spike almost pleaded.

I could tell her Father, but she won't understand or believe unless you tell her. You are one of the two people she loves most in the world. I know you plan for all of us to go into hiding where none of them can find us again. But she will search for you Father. She will. She'll search every sewer and warehouse and abandoned building in the city looking for you. She'll do it alone if she has to. She'll put herself in danger, risk her life to find you again. You have to tell her what she needs to know, all of it, so she will understand and be able to except it. If you love her Father, you have to tell her.

As Dawn watched Spikes face and then Joys she could tell they were talking to each other inside their minds. She could pick up words, or thoughts, in bits and pieces, but not enough. But she could tell that Joy was urging Spike to tell her something. As she watched tears started running down Spikes face again and he bent his head so that the tears dripped down on their clasped hands.

"If I tell you Luv, you have to promise not to tell anyone else, especially Buffy. You can't tell her what I know, it would hurt her to much" Spike said as the tears continued to run down his face and drip onto their hands. He then lifted his head so that he was looking into Dawns eyes when he continued. "I don't think she knows the truth herself Luv, or if she does she's buried it so deep she can't find it. But you have to promise not to tell her Bit, I couldn't bear for her to have to face that much pain all alone."

Tears started running down from Dawns eyes too, partly from seeing the pain in Spikes eyes and partly from the fear his pain was instilling in her heart. But she had to know what Spike knew, whatever the truth was that he thought he knew about, she had to understand. She had to understand how Spike could say he still loved Buffy but deny that she loved him with such certainty. "I promise Spike. I promise I won't tell anyone" Dawn choked out. "But you have to tell me everything, I have to understand."

Spike let go of Dawns hands and raised his own hands to his face and scrubbed away his tears. He shook his head several times and raked his fingers through his hair, took several deep breaths and shook his shoulders. All of these moves were attempts to get himself back under control so that he could talk to Dawn without crying again. Finally he dug into one of his pockets and pulled out his cigarettes and lighter and lit one up. He moved himself around on the floor until he was sitting next to Dawn with his legs out in front of himself. Dawn repositioned herself so that she was sitting in a similar way facing toward him. Spike then leaned back a little using one arm and hand to brace himself up, drew up one leg and rested the forearm of the hand that was holding the cigarette on his knee. He sat like that for a minute or more, looking down at the floor instead of directly at Dawn, taking an occasional drag off his cigarette, thinking about where to start.

"It probably started when she was first chosen to be the Slayer, The Chosen One. Think about it Bit, fifteen and normal one day and the next she's fighting vampires for her life and trying to save the world. That bloody wanker of a Watcher she got doesn't even find her until 'after' she's been chosen. No training before hand, no time as a potential, no way to be ready for what was coming. Then the stupid git gets himself killed and leaves her out there all alone. Loses her friends, gets kicked out of school, family breaks up, and you know her Bit, you know she blamed herself for all of it. Just like she always does, blames herself for everything and tries to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders."

Spike was getting agitated and lit up another cigarette to calm down before he continued. "But with her Watcher dead and no one to tell her what to do, she thinks she's off the hook. Thinks she can go back and be a normal girl again. But your mum moves you all to Sunnydale, home of the Hellmouth. You'll never convince me otherwise that the bloody Watchers didn't have something to do with your mums choice of where to move to live. Probably pulled some strings so that she got that job at the art gallery and made sure she found a house she could afford. Anyway, she thinks she's going to be normal again and the first thing that happens is she finds out she's got a new bloody Watcher waiting for her and he's an even bigger ponce than the first one. All that crap about sacred duty and saving the world. He knew more than anyone else that she probably wasn't going to live out the year. Bloody hell, she didn't live out her first year. The bloody fucking Master killed her. But Buffy, she don't give up, not that girl, she comes back to life and kicks the Masters bloody ass good and proper."

Spike had been smiling when he talked about Buffy refusing to die and coming back to destroy the Master. It was like he was proud of her. But then he started frowning again. "But anyway, that's where the real problem started, that first year in Sunnyhell. Cause Angel, tall, dark and broody shows up and she falls in love with him. Talk about messing somebody's head up, vampire slayer falling in love with a vampire." The bitterness that Spike was feeling was apparent in his voice. "But he's a good vampire cause he's got a soul, he's sorry that he murdered thousands of people, he feels guilty about it. What a bloody pile of horse shit that was, vampire with a soul is good, vampire without a soul is bad. He never did tell her it was all about choice, now did he. Never did tell her that a vampire wasn't just a crazy killing machine, that they could make choices, if they wanted to, if they had a reason." Spikes tone of voice had changed from bitterness to a forlorn sadness.

Spike was getting agitated again and jumped up to his feet and started pacing back and forth in front of Dawn, his voice had started to rise and Dawn could feel the anger inside him. "Anyway, back to Angel and Buffy. Buffy loves Angel and Angel loves Buffy, but the stupid git puts her up on a pedestal. He bloody fucking worships her, Bit. She's his salvation, his guiding light to redemption. Not that I can fault him for loving her. But he made her a princess in a snow white dress and she loved him for it. I mean what girl wouldn't love it. Isn't that the dream of every girl, to be a princess for the man she loves. So to prove her love she gives him her most precious gift, herself."

Spikes agitation was growing stronger and stronger. As he paced in front of Dawn he was making grand gestures with his arms and hands to emphasize his thoughts and feelings. "Bloody fucking hell! One moment of pure happiness and the bloody fucking curse kicks in and Angelus pops out of the box." Spike dropped down to his knees in front of Dawn and she could feel the pain inside of him. "What kind of curse is that Bit? Makes you all remorseful and full of guilt for a hundred years, then as soon as you find happiness it turns you back into a monster without remorse? A curse like that doesn't make sense."

Spike had jumped back to his feet and was pacing and gesturing again. "It just doesn't make sense. Angel full of remorse and all broody, eating rats and crying his eyes out for a hundred years, that makes sense. But turning him back into Angelus, a crazy monster, that doesn't make any sense at all, and he was crazy, Bit. He came back a total sack of hammers, crazier than he ever was before, crazier even than Dru. Locking his demon up inside of him for a hundred years didn't destroy the demon, it just made it crazier than it ever was before. Angelus had always been crazy, in a sadistic viscous kind of way, but he'd always been pretty much of a coward too. He never went after someone who was strong or could defend themselves. He always went after the weak and the helpless. He never fought anyone he couldn't beat easily, unless he got cornered and didn't have a choice. But when he became Angelus again, this time he wanted to destroy the whole bleeding world. He wanted to make sure that no one could ever stuff his soul back inside of him again."

Spike stopped his pacing suddenly and looked down at Dawn. Fresh tears were running down his face. "But Buffy, she didn't blame Angel for not telling her about the curse. She didn't even blame the curse for what happened. She blamed herself, for everything. Angelus said something to her or did something to her, I don't know what it was exactly, but it made her blame herself for everything that happened. I know they fought a few times and she didn't kill him. She was still in love with the bloody wanker, she couldn't do it. When he started terrorizing her friends and killed some of them, she blamed herself for that too. Ripped herself apart she did, blamed herself for everything that happened, never once blamed Angel for any of it."

Spike dropped to his knees again, tears were running freely down his face as he looked into Dawn eyes. "This is where it all went bad, Luv. You know about me and her teaming up to stop Angelus. It wasn't like I was trying to do something good back then, I just didn't want the world to end. But Angelus pulled the sword out of Acathla and Buffy had to fight him. When I left with Dru I was certain sure Angelus had beaten her, but she came back again and kicked his ass. I kind of blame Red for what happened next though. Buffy had steeled herself up to face and kill Angelus, and she was just about ready to do it when Red put his soul back inside of him. There he was again, all soulful and crying, Angel was back, the love of her life. But it was to late, Angelus had opened the portal in Acathla. The only way to seal it back up was to stab Angel with the sword and send him to hell. She did it too, but it broke her heart into pieces."

As Spike knelt there in front of Dawn crying, it didn't seem as if he would be able to continue talking. Dawn wanted to reach out to him, to do something to ease his pain, to sooth him in some small way. But she knew that if she did, if she even tried, he might not be able to finish his story and tell her what she needed to know. At that moment of indecision Joy stepped up to Spike again and stroked her little hand over his bent head. When he looked up at her she smiled at him and lifting her other hand she held out a full bottle of tequila. Spike started to refuse the bottle, but Joy looked him in his eyes, nodded her head and offered him the bottle again. Spike took the bottle with a trembling hand and raised it to his lips. He tilted his head back and the bottle up and started taking long deep swallows. When the bottle was half empty he finally lowered it and let a long sad sigh out. Setting the bottle down on the floor he searched through his pockets until he found his cigarettes again and lit one up. After taking a couple of long deep drags off of his cigarette he finally seemed to have himself back under control again.

"You know what happened then, she ran away from home, fought her way out of a hell dimension, came back home to try to start over. But she wasn't the same after she came back, not really. You see, Angel turning into Angelus cracked her heart, but having to send him to hell broke it. The only way she could survive the pain was to wrap her heart up in cotton and lock it away in a steel box inside herself. Maybe, in time, her heart might have healed, she might have been able to let herself love someone else, I don't know. But it didn't work out that way, Angel came back. The bloody Powers That Be had a mission for him, a purpose for his return, and Buffy got caught up in the middle of it. A lot happened that year, Angel coming back, her Watcher stealing her powers and betraying her, Faith coming to town and going bad, a new Watcher being assigned to take over watching her, the Mayor and the whole ascension thing. It was all a bloody mess. But the worst part of it all was that the bloody fucking poof left her, he ran away. He told her this bloody fucking fairy tale about him doing it for her own good so that she could have a normal life and find someone normal to love. God, I hate him more for that than for anything else he ever did to her. He didn't leave her for her own good, the bloody fucking coward left because he was afraid he would lose his soul again. He knew he didn't have the strength to love her and not touch her, so he left, and she blamed herself, again."

Spike reached out and picked up the bottle of tequila and took a large swallow, then lit up another cigarette. "She always did that, blamed herself. When Angel left town, left her behind, her heart shattered. This time she couldn't put the pieces back together and wrap them up to heal. This time she just poured the broken pieces into a steel box and sealed it up for good. That's when it happened Bit, that's when her heart died and she couldn't ever love anyone else again."

Hearing Spike say that Buffy's heart had died and that she couldn't ever love anyone else again sent a searing pain through Dawns heart. It flashed through her mind that even though she was aware of most of the story he had been telling her as if it were a memory. She also realized that she hadn't even been real at that time, that the monks hadn't even created her yet. A gasp of pain escaped from her lips and tears ran from her eyes. The thought that Buffy had never loved her, couldn't love her was more than she could bear.

Spike, hearing the gasp of pain from Dawn scooted forward on his knees and took her into his arms. "No, no, pet, don't think that, don't think she doesn't love you. She dose, with all her heart. It's just new people she can't love. You see, she still loved your mum, and the monks gave her memories of you, a whole lifetime of memories, so she loved you too. She still loved her Watcher and her friends. In fact, I think she loved all of you more than ever, cause she knew how to love all of you, from before. It was just after that she couldn't love anyone new."

When Dawn raised her head from crying against his chest he could see the question in her eyes. "Yeah, I know, your thinking about that Riley bloke. But she didn't really love him Luv. Not like she loved Angel, or you, or her mum, or her friends. Not like that at all. I'm not saying anything bad against Buffy, really I'm not. But I think she was just trying to find someone normal to have in her life. Sort of what Angel had said she should do. Find a normal guy and have a normal life. Only problem was, Buffys not normal, she's the bloody Slayer, she can't have a normal life, not really. It also turned out that the bloke was anything but normal, at least ways most people would look at normal. Also, don't forget, I was in the middle of the bloody mess myself. The whole Initiative thing and me getting the chip put into my head. I was still evil then you know, the Big Bad, but I couldn't bite no more. You know at first I blamed her for what happened to me, the chip an all. I couldn't bite people anymore, but I was still evil and I did things to hurt your sis and her friends. I was all messed up, needing Buffy to protect me from the soldier boys and get me blood to feed. But hating her because I needed her and felt helpless. It was only after I found out that I could still fight and kill demons that I got to feeling better about myself. Course I was still evil then too and I was still trying to find ways to hurt big sis and her friends. But, it's kind of funny or strange anyway, all the things I did, all the times Buffy should have just dusted me and didn't, cause I couldn't fight back. I never understood why, why she didn't just do it, just dust me."

Dawn had stopped crying again and Spike moved back from her a little bit so he could light up another cigarette and not be blowing the smoke into her face. "It was back then, after the Initiative was put out of business, but before Flynn left town that it happened to me. The worse day of my life and the best, I woke up from a dream and I realized that I had fallen in love with the Slayer. Do you have any idea what that was like for me Bit? To find out that I was in love with the woman that all vampires fear and hate. To have her on my mind all the time. To want to be near her and knowing that she thought of me as a monster and hated what I was. You know, I'd been a vampire about a hundred and twenty years back then, and I was evil and proud of it too. But I figured it out that unless I was good Buffy wouldn't ever trust me to be near her. It's not like I ever really thought that Buffy could ever love me. But the way I felt about her, I had to find a way to be near her. But, you know, it's not like I really knew how to be good. So, a little at a time, sort of trial an error I guess, I tried to do things for her. I'd give her information about vampire nests or demons getting out of hand. I'd go with her on patrol sometimes and cover her back. But no matter what I did, the good stuff I mean, it didn't seem to matter. But let me do something wrong, even if I didn't really intend it that way, she'd be all over me and threatening to dust me. You know, like when I led her to Flynn at that vampire nest and let her see him being fed off of by vamp whores. I thought I was doing the right thing, letting her know what he was doing. But instead she got mad at me about it. When he left town after that, you know what the bloody ass did, he blamed her for it. He blamed her for him going to vamp whores to get suck jobs. He told her they needed him and she didn't, that's why he did it. You know what else happened, she did, she blamed herself."

Spike sat for a few moments thinking, staring down at the floor, then looked up at Dawns eyes that were focused on him. "Back then, that's when the real changes were going on in me, trying to be good. See, I didn't really know how to do it, so every time I did something I tried to figure out if Buffy would approve or not. I didn't have a soul of my own, so I sort of made her my soul, or conscience anyway. Course I still messed up a lot, but I was trying. I was making choices not to do bad things and making choices to do good things, but it was hard. I was also trying to get her and her Scooby friends to admit that I was trying to do good things, but that never happened. Especially after I messed up and told Buffy that I loved her. The things she said to me Bit, she had no idea how much they hurt. Or maybe she did and it didn't really matter to her. But it did matter to me, so I tried to stay away from her. That's when I got the BuffyBot and that was a disaster. Then the whole thing with Glory heated up and everyone found out about you being the Key an all. This may sound really strange to you Luv, but having Buffy bring you and your mum to me for protection was one of the grandest things that had ever happened to me. I knew she didn't love me, I don't think she even liked me, but she trusted me to protect you. That was really something. Course getting to know you and your mum better was sort of icing on the cake. It was then that I figured something else out. I knew I was in love with Buffy, even though she told me it wasn't possible for a soulless vampire to love anyone. But somehow, someway, I found out that I loved you and your mum too. At first I just kind of shrugged it off thinking that it wasn't really love, that I was just really trying to please Buffy. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that it really was you and your mum that I loved, and not just to please Buffy. I really did care about you."

A smile had spread over Spikes face as he revealed his early thoughts of love for Dawn and her mother and how important that had been to him. Dawn leaned forward and took one of Spikes hands into one of hers. "I really loved you too Spike. You were my only friend. The only one who tried to understand what I was feeling and how scared I was all the time. Mom liked you too, a lot I think. We'd talk about you sometimes when Buffy wasn't around, cause there was no way she'd let us talk about you when she was around."

"You know, when your mum died, as soon as I found out I came to your house. I'd brought some flowers, I wanted you and Buffy to know I was sorry for your loss. Cause I liked your mum and I was going to miss her. But that wanker Harris, he stopped me and claimed I was just trying to score points with Buffy. I got real mad and stormed off and never got the chance to say what I wanted to say to you. But Harris was probably right, anything I would have said wouldn't have been believed, not by Buffy anyway. But I always thought that you would have believed me Bit, I always did."

Spike let go of Dawns hand and picked up the bottle of tequila and took another drink, and then another. He lit up a cigarette and smoked it quietly for a minute or so without saying anything. When he finally looked up a Dawn again she could see the pain that was in his eyes. "After Buffy died, that whole summer, there wasn't a day went by that I didn't think about waiting for the sun to come up and turning myself to dust. But I'd made her a promise to take care of you and protect you. I failed you, and Buffy, up on the tower. It should have been me that died, not her. But I'd made the promise and everyday I had to remind myself that you still needed me. It was hard, going on, living with her gone. I did love you Bit, I truly did, but it was hard. Then the witch brought her back and things changed. At first, she needed me cause she was so lost. I was the only one she told about being pulled out of heaven. She told me everything, how everyday was like living in hell for her. I patrolled with her and protected her. I had to cause she didn't seem to care about herself anymore. I was still crazy in love with her and I told her so. I made some big mistakes then. I wanted her to love me the way I loved her and I said things to her I shouldn't have ever said. But she had me all confused and crazy. One day she would be nice to me and the next she was ready to stake me. One day she would kiss me and the next she couldn't stand the sight of me. It was one of those times, she'd hit me and I was so angry I hit her back and the chip didn't go off."

Spike stopped talking and upended the bottle of tequila and finished it off. He kept looking away from Dawn as if he was afraid to go on with his story. But Dawn reached out and took his hand again and gave it a squeeze. "I know about that year Spike" Dawn told him gently. "At least most of it. Buffy told me a lot of things after you died in the Hellmouth. She was grieving for you for months and she needed for me to understand what had happened between the two of you. She didn't want me to stay mad at you after you died. It really hurt her that I was still mad at you, so she explained it to me. I just wished she'd told me earlier, so I could have told you I was sorry."

Tears were running down Spikes cheeks again as he looked into Dawns eyes. He gave her hand a squeeze. In a raspy choked voice he told her "You don't have anything to be sorry about Luv. I did what I did. I told her I loved her and then I hurt her. I tried to rape her to prove that I loved her. How pitiful can a person get." Spike cleared his throat and then continued. "I didn't go there to hurt her. That's God's truth! I just wanted to tell her I was sorry. That thing with Anya, that wasn't love or anything close to it. It was just two people, or maybe it was just two monsters, I don't know, but we were both in so much pain. I think we were trying to prove to ourselves that we were alive or something. That somehow we mattered. But Buffy wouldn't let me explain and I guess I went crazy or something and I tried to force her to love me. When she stopped me and I realized what I had tried to do, that I had hurt her, I couldn't stand myself. That's when I left, that's why I left. Do you know, it's really sad when you let someone hurt you because you love them. I'd been letting Buffy do that to me for months, hoping that she would learn to love me. But it's even sadder when you hurt someone you say you love. I'd been telling Buffy for months that I loved her and that I wouldn't hurt her, that she could trust me. If the whole thing didn't make me so sick I'd laugh at the irony of it all."

Spike had let go of Dawns hand while he had been telling her this last part. It was as if he was afraid that she would throw off his touch if he had tried to continue to hold her hand. He couldn't look up at her anymore, he couldn't face his certainty that she hated him again for what he had tried to do to Buffy. As he sat there staring down at the floor, Joy walked up to him and offered him another bottle of tequila to drink. When she put her hand on his bent head he could feel himself calming down again. When he finally lifted his head again to look at Dawn, instead of seeing hatred in her eyes he saw understanding and love. It almost broke his heart.

Spike took another drink before he continued. "You know, when she came back everyone noticed she was different, but they didn't know why. After she told me about heaven, I sort of thought I understood. At first I thought she was just depressed or something and I tried to do things to make her feel better. When she started being careless when she patrolled, like she didn't care if she won the fight or not, I got scared that she was trying to get herself killed so she could go back to heaven. I started doing extra patrolling, taking out move vamps and demons than she was, trying to thin out the herd sort of, so she wouldn't have so many to face herself. But it was like the more I tried to do for her the more she hated me. When we started doing the sex thing. It wasn't love Bit, not for Buffy anyway, things got even worse. She'd come to me for sex, to make her feel something. But if I tried to show her I loved her, she'd beat me into the ground. I'm trying to be honest here Bit, I wanted the sex with Buffy cause she made me feel more alive than I had ever dreamed possible. But after the sex, after she got what she wanted, she'd destroy me and take it all away. And see here, this is where I got really messed up in my head. I'd been trying real hard to be good, which wasn't always easy, and Buffy was sort of the way I tried to figure out what was good and what was bad. So I ended up saying and doing things with her that if I'd had a chance to change them I would have. Because it was only later that I could see that they were bad things for her to be doing. But then something happened and it all started to fall into place. I'd been thinking she hated me, but it wasn't me she hated at all, it was herself. One night she beat me so bad I was all broke inside and couldn't move, and she just walked away, left me for the sun to come up. That's when I figured it out, she didn't really feel anything for me. She didn't love me, she didn't hate me, she didn't care one way or the other or at all."

The look in Spikes eyes were lost and empty as if he'd been staring at the torments of hell. "I'll finish this up soon Bit" Spike said quietly in a lost empty kind of voice. "I didn't really mean to take this long, but Joy told me I had to tell you everything or you wouldn't understand the truth of what I'm going to tell you next. You know that when I came back to Sunnydale I was a total sack of hammers. I was even crazier than Dru for awhile. But even crazy I was still in love with Buffy. I couldn't stop that or change it, but I knew she had a right to hate me and I think I wanted her to kill me. I think I thought she had a right to be the one to do it. But when she found me down in the school basement she didn't do it. I guess it was pity or something at first. Harmless crazy vampire, screaming himself hoarse, talking to ghost, beating his head against a wall, trying to claw his own heart out. But maybe it wasn't pity, maybe she thought I was getting what I deserved. Did she ever tell you what happened when she found out I had a soul. I was still pretty crazy then and I draped myself over a cross, because the pain of burning on a cross was nothing to the pain I was feeling in my heart and in my soul. But finding out I had a soul made a difference to her. It didn't make her like me or love me or anything like that, it just made her sorry for me."

Spike took a drink of the tequila and lit up another cigarette before he continued. "Yeah, she pulled me off that cross before I burst into flame and hauled me over to that wanker Harris's place. Convinced him to take me in for awhile, cause I had a soul now, plus the chip. Don't know why he did it though, as much as he hated me he'd probably enjoy knowing I was down in a basement chasing rats or burning on a cross. Course that was before they found out that the First was pulling my strings and could make me kill without setting off the chip. Then when the truth came out and I took Buffy to where I'd been stashing all the bodies I'd been killing, they all came out at once and the First set me off again. The First wanted me to kill Buffy, but I wouldn't do it. She told me after that happened that she believed in me. That I could be a good man. But you see she was saying that and thinking that because I had a soul that's why I didn't kill her, but the soul didn't have anything to do with it. It wasn't my soul that stopped me from killing Buffy, it was me. I refused to hurt her, not my soul, I made a choice. When the First took me prisoner and bled me out to open the seal to let out a Turok-Han, they did a lot of torturing to try to get me back on track. The First wanted me for something down the line and they needed to be able to control me. After Buffy rescued me, she thought it was my soul that had made it possible for me to refuse the First. But it wasn't my soul, it was me, making a choice. I refused to betray her, not my soul. Then later, when Woods and the Watcher tried to murder me, she thought it was my soul that stopped me from killing Woods, but it wasn't. It was me making a choice. It was me choosing not to kill. She never could understand that, everything had to be caused by my bloody soul, she never gave me any credit for making my own choices, my own decisions."

Spike took another long drink and lit up another cigarette. He had nearly been chain smoking through most of his story, except when he was crying or to upset to even hold a cigarette. "That night, there at the end, when all of you made Buffy leave, I went out and found her. I told her then that I loved her, but I didn't expect her to love me back. I told her I didn't expect anything from her at all. I just loved her because of who she was and what she did, how she always kept trying to do the right thing. I was going to leave her then, come back for her in the morning, but she asked me to stay, and hold her. I knew she didn't want anything more than that. She was just feeling lost and alone, needing a little comfort. The next night when I saw her, after she had taken the scythe away from Caleb, I told her that it had been the best night of my life. She told me that she'd been there with me, but I didn't really understand what she meant. When I asked her what she meant, she flipped it off and asked if it had to mean anything. I can't even describe to you how much that hurt Bit, having her just flip it off like that."

Spike started to take another drink then stopped and sighed instead. "Later that night she met up with Caleb again, I'd followed her in case she needed any help. I didn't let her know I was there, I just wanted to be there in case she needed me. Buffy and Caleb were fighting when I smelled Angel. I knew he could smell me to, both vampires an all, but I didn't come out of hiding. Caleb almost had Buffy and I was just about to come out to help her when Angel stepped in and helped her. After she beat Caleb the first thing she did was kiss him. That's when I knew for certain that she could never love me, cause she still loved Angel. I heard him tell her about the amulet and that it was dangerous. He told her that he was going to wear it and fight at her side. But she told him no, she wanted him to leave. The First showed up then and started talking in my ear, still wanted me to change sides. I left then and the First followed after me, trying to convince me that I should fight for evil. But I knew I couldn't do that, I knew I would fight for Buffy. When she finally came back home she came down to see me. I'd already made up my mind to ask her for the amulet. I was afraid that she would try to wear it herself, but I'd heard Angel tell her that it wasn't for her to wear, that it had to be someone more than human but with a soul. With Angel gone I figured it would have to be me, but she told me that Angel had told her it had to be worn by a Champion. I didn't know what to say then, so when she handed it to me, I promised myself that I would be her Champion. She stayed with me that night, letting me hold her again. You know about the First coming to her that night and trying to convince her that she couldn't win. But somehow she figured out that the scythe could be used to give the powers of the Slayer to all the potentials and make them all Slayers."

Spike finally took another drink of the tequila and looked Dawn in the eyes as he finished his story. "That final night she came to me again, to let me hold her. I was happy to do it. If holding her gave her just a little more confidence, a little more strength for the next day, I was more than willing to hold her all night. But things were different that night. I'd been holding her for about an hour when she turned in my arms and kissed me. I can't tell you how that made me feel. Kisses led to touches and touches led to us undressing each other and making love. It really was making love this time Bit, at least it was for me. All the times we had ever had sex before and none of them were anything like what we did that night. For the first time I let myself think that she loved me and wanted me. But as I was holding her I looked into her eyes and I saw she had tears in them. They weren't tears of love or joy or anything like that, they were tears of pain. Buffy had given me my final wish, to let me love her, cause she knew I was going to die. When Angel gave her the amulet she figured it out right away that whoever wore it was probably going to die. So she made a choice. She sent Angel back to L.A. to be safe and she chose me to die. I didn't blame her for that Bit, I honestly didn't blame her at all. I'd already made up my mind that I would be her Champion and die for her if I needed too. I'd made my choice too, you see. It wasn't my soul or any of that Angel crap about redemption. I fully expected to die and spend the rest of eternity burning in hell. But it was my choice, mine. When the battle was going and the amulet kicked in and started dusting all the Turok-Han I could feel it burning me up inside. That's when Buffy came up to me and said we needed to escape, but I already knew it was to late for me. She took my hand and they both burst into flame, I don't know why that happened cause it didn't hurt or anything. But then she said 'I love you' and I told her 'No you don't, but thanks for saying it'. Cause you see Bit, I knew she didn't mean it. I don't know why she said it, maybe out of guilt or sorrow or maybe even pity, but I knew she didn't mean it. Because if she had meant it she would have said it the night before when it would have meant something. But she didn't say a single word the whole time we made love and held each other, not a word, not even my name."

When Spike finished talking Dawn bent over with her arms wrapped around herself and started crying with great heaving sobs. Her whole body was shaking and Spike felt a lance of pain through his chest. It hurt him to have made Dawn cry this way, but he had promised to tell her the truth so that she could understand why he had denied that Buffy loved him. He hadn't understood why Buffy had come back to L.A. after all these years and he certainly hadn't understood why she had told him she loved him in front of all the Slayers and her Watcher and Angel. But Spike couldn't live with lies anymore. Even ones he wished were true. He moved forward on his knees and wrapped his arms around Dawn again and tried to soothe her, to take some of the pain away and make it his own.

As Spike held Dawn in his arms he heard her saying in a tear choked whisper "It's not true, it's not true, I know she loves you, I know she does, she told me she does, it's not true Spike, she wouldn't tell me does if it wasn't true, I know she loves you, I know she does."

"I wish it were true Luv, I really wish it were true" Spike whispered in Dawns ear. "But I know it's not cause she still loves Angel, and she can't love anyone else, just like I can't love anyone else but her. It's what happens when your heart gets broken, all you can do is love the pieces."

Spike was still holding Dawn, trying to sooth her, when he heard something break, like a dried stick or old bone. For the first time since entering the warehouse, searching for Joy when he thought she was in danger, he could sense the presence of other people in the warehouse. He could tell where all of his children were located and all of the slayers and watchers and witches. He could even sense Dawn now. But there was one presence that was stronger than all the others and it was coming from inside the little room that he and Joy shared. It was a presence, a tingling inside his head, that he could never forget or mistake for any other, Buffy.

Spike threw himself away from Dawn and scrambled backward in shock. As he watched the blanket that covered the doorway to his little room was pulled to one side and Buffy stepped out into the open for him to see. His eyes immediate focused on her face and he could see her red tear swollen eyes and the tracks of tears that were visible on her face. Her mouth was slightly open and he could see that her lips quivered as if she were holding back a scream of pain.

"Oh God! No!" Spike screamed as he looked around in panic. "Dawn! She wasn't suppose to know!" Spikes eyes were open wide and he had a look of terror on his face. When Buffy took a step toward him Spike spun up from the floor and taking one more look at Buffy he ran from the room screaming "No! No! Noooo!"

(01/05)

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	25. Reunions 25

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Reunions / Part 25

When Spike ran from the room, Buffy didn't know what to do. Joy had brought her to the little room hours earlier and told her inside her mind that if she wanted to learn the truth about Father she would have to remain in the room and not make any noise no matter what she saw or heard. Buffy had agreed without hesitation. She had sat in the room for over three hours waiting for Spike to arrive and then listened to him and Dawn crying together and trying to sooth each other. The love and trust she had felt them share had nearly overwhelmed her in it's intensity. When Spike started telling Dawn what he believed to be the truth about Buffy and her feelings for him it had torn her heart. By the time he finished his version of the truth Buffy felt her heart was in ribbons.

Buffy had been crushed earlier in the evening when she had told Spike that she loved him in front of everyone and he had denied her love and walked away from her. She knew that she loved Spike and had loved him long before the destruction of the Hellmouth. But she also knew that Spike could have a thousand reasons not to believe her, because she had never told him so until right before his death. That he had denied her love even then had haunted her dreams for eight years. Now that she knew what he had believed to be true all these years she could understand his denial of her statement of love for him. But what really scared her was she didn't know how she was going to convince him that she was in love with him. How was she going to make him understand that there was another side of the truth, her side.

Buffys first inclination was to chase after Spike and make him listen to her and believe that she truly did love him. But as she started to take her first step to follow him, Joy touched her arm and stopped her. Inside her head she clearly heard Joy speak to her. Sister needs you now. Father is to upset to talk or listen to anyone at this time. I will take you to him when the time is right.

For a moment indecision still gripped Buffy until she looked down and saw Dawn curled on the floor crying. She walked to Dawns side and kneeling down on the floor wrapped her arms around her sister and hugged her tightly. "Dawn. Dawnie, it's going to be alright. Shhh, it's okay, it's okay, everything's going to be okay."

Dawn rolled in Buffys arms so that she could look up at her. She had tears streaming down her face and could barely speak. "Ho.. how ca.. can it b.. be okay Buffy? He do.. doesn't believe yo.. you love him. How can i.. it be okay?" It was at this moment that Dawn realizes something else and her eye grew large with shock and pain. "Buffy, he thinks I lied to him, that I betrayed his trust. I didn't know you were here, but he'll never believe me!" Dawn rolled back over and buried her face in her hands and cried even harder than before. Buffy tried to calm and sooth Dawn again, "I'll tell him the truth Dawnie, I promise. Spike may not believe I love him, but I'll make him believe you didn't know I was here, I promise."

The most difficult part of calming Dawn down and stopping her crying was that Buffy herself was crying most of this time too. When ever one or the other of them looked at the other and saw how much pain the other was feeling it just set them both off crying again. They may have lain there on the floor all night crying in each others arms if Joy had not finally come up to them and laying her hands on both of their heads calmed their emotional turmoil and allowed them to stop crying at last. Once the crying was over and both Buffy and Dawn were able to get up off the floor and stand, Joy led them back to the upper level warehouse were everyone else had been waiting for hours.

When they entered the upper level warehouse where everyone else was gathered Buffy noticed immediately that everyone was divided off into two groups. All of the Slayers, Witches, Watchers, Angel, Nina, Xander and Robin were gathered around the SUV's and trucks they had come in to Spikes place. All of Spikes children, even the youngest, were gathered as a group, spread out in a crescent, blocking entrance to the passage ways that would have led to the living areas of the children and Spike. On one side of the room small glow balls were floating in the air to provide light. The other side of the room had no lights at all, the children sat or stood in the shadows. On one side most of the people sat on the floor or in the SUV's, while a few paced nervously. On the other side, children held weapons in their hands, even the youngest, waiting, but determined to let no one pass.

As they came up from behind, the younger children who were at the back of their group noticed them first and let the others know they were coming. The children parted silently and let Joy lead Dawn and Buffy through the middle of their group then closed rank after they had passed. Buffy saw that a number of Slayers that had been sitting on the floor or in the SUV's were getting to their feet. Others who had been standing or pacing started moving toward her and Dawn. Joy had stopped walking with them when they neared their friends.

The first to get to Buffy and Dawn were Giles and Willow, with Xander, Faith and Robin right behind them. "Buffy, Dawn, are you alright?" Giles asked anxiously. Both Dawn and Buffys cloths were smeared with dust from lying on the floor, their eyes were red and puffy from crying and tear streaks showed clearly on their faces. Willow didn't ask, she just rushed up to both of them and threw her arms around them and hugged them both. "We've been worried frantic, you've been gone for hours" Giles continued as he too finally was close enough to embrace both girls and be sure they were unharmed. "These children wouldn't let us search for you. That girl" Giles pointed at a tall thin girl with long straight blonde hair, "told us you were safe, but if we tried to leave this area we would have to fight them."

"Yeah, what's with these kids B" Faith asked in almost a whisper as she too approached Buffy and laid one hand on her arm, as if to assure herself that Buffy really was okay? "The other night we were all friendly like and now even the half-pints have got weapons and want to rumble with us."

Dawn spoke up before Buffy could. "It's okay guys, they were just trying to protect Spike, that's all."

"Why would they think they need to protect Spike" Willow asked incredulously? "We've been coming here for days and they haven't been afraid of us before."

"Well for one thing" Buffy said with a rasp in her voice from all her previous crying, "there's over forty of us this time. We're all carrying weapons, more or less, and Spike. Well, um, he's, ah, kind of upset, and ah, not with them right now" she finished lamely.

"Buffy" Giles asked tentatively "where is Spike, right now, I mean?"

"I'm not sure" Buffy responded as a tear ran down her cheek from her right eye. "Joy said she will take me to him when he's ready to talk to me."

"Did you say Joy told you" Giles asked with a puzzled look on his face? "Do you mean she actually does talk, I didn't understand that to be the case."

"No, she just does it inside your head, that's all" Buffy responded without thinking about it.

"You mean in sentences" Willow asked, her eyes wide open is surprise, "not just words or feelings?"

"Yeah, words, sentences, paragraphs, exclamation points and periods, all of it" Buffy replied with a puzzled tone in her voice. "What are you getting at?"

"Buffy" Willow said "Dawn and I have been trying to talk to Joy for days. I mean she seems to understand whatever we say, but all I ever get, besides whistles and chirps, are one or two words at a time, inside my head, and sometimes I get feelings. Dawn told me she gets the same thing."

Buffy looked over at Dawn and she nodded her head in agreement. "Well I wouldn't call her a chatterbox or anything, but yeah, conversation, we just talk."

"Do you talk to her out loud or inside your head" Willow asked, getting excited?

Buffy thought about it for a moment, shrugged her shoulders and replied "Both, sort of depended what we were saying or if I needed to be quiet. It was just like we did, you, me and Xander, before I fought the Turok-Han."

While the small group of Giles, Willow, Xander, Faith and Robin had gathered around Buffy, the rest of their group had all moved closer to her too. Including Angel in his wheelchair, being pushed by Nina and Connor at her side.

The children on the other hand had all gathered behind Joy in silence. She was making whistles, coos and clicks with her tongue and motioning with her hands. Whatever she was saying seemed to be enough because the children seemed to be relaxing their guard. In fact, some of the middle aged children started leading the younger ones back toward their living area.

Before anyone noticed that she was there, Joy was at Buffys side and took Buffys hand into hers. Buffy looked down at her and smiled, then knelt down so they were eye to eye. The young ones will be fed and sleep now Joy said inside Buffys head. Friends will be coming soon. We would not want your friends to hurt our friends. Some of them are different from your friends, but they will not harm any of you. They will be coming through the sewers. Will you ask your friends not to harm them?

Buffy smiled at Joy and nodded her head, she then stood up and called out in a voice loud enough for all to hear "Okay everybody, listen up."

Buffy explained to everyone that friends of Spike and the children would start arriving soon and that everyone needed to be careful not to harm or offend them. It was also agreed that all the SUV's and trucks would be moved to a far side of the open warehouse to get them out of the middle of the area that would be used later for the meeting/conference/party that would be held later. Willow and the other three witches went around the room and floated more glow balls into the air to light up the big room more evenly. Some of the children using push brooms started sweeping the central area of the warehouse floor. The van that Willow, and by extension Giles, had purchased for Spike earlier in the week was driven into the warehouse and some of the children started unloading boxes and bags. The slayers, seeing what the children were doing joined in on the clean up and unloaded food and soft drinks that they had brought along with them from the U-Haul truck.

Two hours before sun rise, on a signal from the tall blonde girl that had seemed to be in charge of the children earlier, two of the older boys opened a large sliding door to one side of the warehouse and an old school bus was driven inside. As Buffy and the rest of her group watched, fifteen people got off the bus and were greeted enthusiastically by Joy and the other children. All of the people on the bus were adults and as each dismounted from the bus they were carrying large wrapped boxes and bags decorated with bows and ribbons. Joy was trilling like a song bird as she rushed from person to person giving them all hugs and kisses that were returned with equal enthusiasm. As each adult finished their greetings to Joy the other children mobbed them with hugs and kisses too.

One of the women that got off the bus seemed somehow familiar to Buffy. She was thin with long blond hair and looked to be in her early to mid thirties. When Joy took her hand and started leading her toward Buffy and the rest of her group, Buffy realized who the woman was coming toward her. It had been nearly thirteen years since the last time they had seen each other and nearly that long since the last time Buffy had even thought about her or even wondered if she was still alive.

As the woman stopped in front of her Buffy dug franticly for her name until it came, "Lily" she asked tentatively?

"It's Anne now, remember? I took your name so that I could be brave like you are Buffy" Anne replied with a smile as she reached out and took Buffys hand into hers. "I've needed to be strong at times over the years and when ever I did, I thought about you."

Buffy stood there for a few moments then wrapped her arms around Anne and gave her a hug. Anne was returning the hug to Buffy when suddenly she went stiff in Buffys arms. Buffy, not understanding why, took a half step back to look at Anne's face and saw that Anne was looking past Buffy and that her eyes were wide open, as if in shock. When Buffy looked over her shoulder she saw that Angel had come forward in his wheelchair and that it was him that Anne was looking toward. As she watched she saw tears form in Anne's eyes and one ran down her cheek. When Anne let go of Buffy and stepped around her, Buffy let her go.

"Hello Angel" Anne said quietly as another tear ran down her cheek. "We all thought you were dead."

Angel grimaced, then replied in a choked voice "Hello Anne."

"Does Spike know you're here" she asked in a still quiet voice as more tears ran down her face.

Angel grimaced again before speaking, "He knows, but we haven't talked much yet. He hasn't been around much since I got here."

"Don't hurt him Angel" Anne replied as she wiped her tears away with the back of her hand. "He's got enough pain to live with, he doesn't need more from you."

Angel seemed shocked by Anne's words. "I'm not here to hurt Spike, Anne. That's the last thing I'd want to do. I came here to tell him I'm sorry. I thought he was dead with everyone else. I thought I was the only one that survived, I didn't know. I was nearly killed" Angel slapped the arm rest of his wheelchair "and by the time I healed up there wasn't any way I could come back and do anyone any good."

"That's not much of an excuse Angel" Anne said, with all trace of warmth gone from her voice. "You use to have a lot of friends in this city. When we thought you were dead we grieved for you, we missed you. In seven years you could have picked up a phone just once and called someone to say you were still alive." Before Angel could respond to what she had just said, Anne turned her back on him and walked away to rejoin her friends. As she walked away it occurred to Buffy that the tears that Anne had been shedding hadn't been for Angel at all, they had been for Spike. Buffy wondered what kind of relationship Anne and Spike had together for her to know so much about his pain.

Everyone was still standing around after Anne had walked away not knowing what to say to each other. Angel looked as if he had been hit between the eyes with a club, his head was bowed and he looked in pain. Nina was behind him with her hands resting on his shoulders as she bent over and whispered to him quietly. Connor stood next to the wheelchair quietly but with his hands doubled up into fists. When he finally relaxed his hands he placed one hand on Angels shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. Angel looked up at him with gratitude and made a half smile up at him.

Because of the hush that had fallen over their group, when there was a loud crash from the far back of the warehouse where there wasn't any light, everyone was equally startled. When the crash was followed by a loud roar that sounded like an enraged lion, all of the Slayers went immediately to defensive positions and those with weapons moved to the front. But as Buffy and the other Slayers looked around none of the children or any of the other visitors seemed to be worried or concerned, which was more than a little puzzling.

When they finally made out some motion moving through the dark toward the light there was another loud roar and one of the biggest demons that Buffy had ever seen stepped out into the light of the floating glow balls. He was at least eight foot tall or close enough to not really matter and had massive shoulders five feet wide. It's arms were long and massive with overdeveloped muscles and it's legs looked like tree trunks except where they narrowed down into heavy boots. It's hands were huge and appeared to have heavy claws meant to be used for ripping and tearing. It had a huge main of red hair that that covered it's whole head and flowed down it's back. It's face resembled a lions face with a protruding muzzle, a heavy tongue that was visible and it had long fangs. It's eyes were a bright yellow. It's skin coloring was a dark beige and it was only wearing for clothing the heavy boots, a dark green loincloth and heavy leather bracers on it's wrists and forearms. When it came into full view it resembled more than anything else a giant lion that walked on it's hind legs. The monster raised itself up to it's full height with it's arms raised and out to its sides and tilting it's head back let out a roar that seemed to shake the whole building as if it were a challenge.

Buffy had raised one hand to keep the slayers from attacking, mainly because she saw several of the adults and older children smiling and waving at the monster. Before anyone could do anything Joy was in front of everyone making a roaring sound of her own, that sounded a lot like a kitten, and was charging toward the monster all alone. When she was still fifteen feet away she launched herself up into the air straight at the monster with her arms spread wide. The monster caught her in it's huge hands and fell backward onto it's back and laid there with it's arms out wide to it's sides. Joy was sprawled across it's chest, holding on to it's hair and making growling sounds, which ended in giggles when she wrapped her arms around it's neck and started raining kisses all over it's face. The amount of surprise that Buffy and all the rest in her group was feeling at what had just taken place was only compounded when a half dozen of the smallest of Spike's children came running around a corner making growling noises and rushing up to Joy and the monster on the floor where they all piled on top of the monsters arms and legs to pin it to the ground. The monster roared and fought against being pinned to the floor to no avail and finally relaxed and admitted defeat. All of the children raised their heads and made loud growling sounds of victory. When the monster then sat up they were all over him with hugs and kisses and the monster was laughing and kissing them all in return.

A half dozen of the older children and some of the visiting adults walked over to the laughing monster and stood around him smiling as he played with the smallest of the children. The laughing, kissing and lack of fear shown by all of the children and the other visiting adults put Buffy and the other slayers at ease. This demon was obviously one of the friends that Joy had mentioned earlier and asked Buffy not to let be harmed. A crooked smile passed over Buffys lips as the thought went through her mind that she was so grateful that whoever this demon was that he was a friend. Because she so didn't want to have to ever meet a demon as big as him that wasn't friendly.

As Buffy watched, the demon gently plucked off the smaller children that were hanging on to various parts of his massive body and set them on their feet. He then slowly got to his feet, making sure he didn't step on anyone. Once on his feet he took a step toward the adults and made a half bow toward them. Anne, who was among the adults, made a half bow toward him and then stepped up to him and wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged herself against him. The demon placed one huge hand against her back and the other gently caressed her head as he smiled down at her and spoke in a deep rumbling voice. "Little Sister, it is good to see you again. Long has it been since you have been to the caverns of the Hool-Mar, we have missed you."

Buffy could not make out the words that Anne replied to the demon because of distance, but she heard his response. "I thank you for your words of greeting and for the joy of meeting the young ones in combat, even though they defeated me again." At these words the youngest of the children started giggling and smiling. "I had hoped my Brother would let me face less ferocious opponents this time and give me a fair chance to win." One of the little boys threw back his head and started growling and soon all of the little one were doing the same.

Whatever Anne said to the demon was covered up by the noise of the children, but when he spoke his words were clear enough to hear. "You do not know where he is? It is not like my Brother to miss the arrival of the High Priest." Anne spoke to him again and when she finished the demon turned his head toward Buffy and the large group of slayers at her back. Before he spoke the demon released his gentle hold on Anne and straightened up to his full height, his lips pulled back and exposed his fighting fangs fully. His eyes narrowed, his chest swelled from taking in a large breath of air and the tension in the muscles of his arms and legs made them even more pronounced than before, he looked as if he were preparing himself to attack an enemy. "Are they a danger to the Clan? I will not let the High Priest walk into a trap."

Again, as if seeming to appear from nowhere, Joy was at the side of the demon and reaching up she wrapped her small fingers around one of the clawed fingers of one of his hands. As the demon looked down at Joy everyone could see the tension leaving his body as he knelt down on one knee and bent his head toward her. For long moments he knelt there as if listening closely to someone talking to him quietly. Several times he glanced over at Buffys group, and seemingly at her specifically. Finally he nodded his head to Joy as if accepting or agreeing to something, he then stood up to his full height and with Joy still holding on to his finger he slowly walked toward Buffy.

When the demon stopped in front of Buffy with about six feet between them, Faith had moved up to one side of her and Willow had moved up to the other side. Faith did not have a weapon in her hand, but there was a long knife in her belt. Willow also seemed unarmed, but she held a short silver tube in one hand behind her back. All of the other slayers and witches seemed to be relaxed, but Buffy knew that they were ready to help her if needed.

The demon let Joy continue to hold onto his one hand, but raising the other out to his side with his claws extended, he tilted his head back and made a loud roar that reverberated through out the whole warehouse. He then looked down at Buffy and spoke to her in a deep rumbling voice that made her whole body vibrate. "I am Kar-Hool, Champion of the Hool-Mar Clan. The Child of Light tells me that you are the Champion of your Clan. This is true?"

Buffy squared her shoulders and spoke loud enough for all to hear. "I am Buffy, The Vampire Slayer. We do not call ourselves a Clan, but I am the leader of my group. This is true."

Kar-Hool glanced down at Joy, then spoke again. "The Vampire Slayer is known through out demon kind, it is a name to be feared. But it is not just vampires that have reason to fear you. The Child says that you are here in peace and that my Clan is not endangered by your presence. This is true?"

Buffy glanced at Joy and saw that she was smiling up at her, then looked up at Kar-Hool. "We are invited guest to the home of Spike and his children. We have come in peace and will offer no harm to anyone, human or demon, that also comes in peace. You have my word."

Kar-Hool bowed as he spoke "You have the word of Kar-Hool and the Hool-Mar Clan that we come here as invited friends and in peace. No member of my Clan will offer harm to any member of your Clan."

Buffy understood instinctively that this was a formal declaration of peace. She bowed herself and said to Kar-Hool "It is agreed, there will be peace between us."

Kar-Hool bowed again "It is agreed."

(01/05)

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	26. Reunions 26

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Reunions / Part 26

In order to decrease any further possibility of misunderstanding Buffy whispered something to Faith and within less than a minute all of the slayers were walking toward their parked SUV's where they disarmed themselves of all weapons. Willow hesitated for a moment, then shrugging her shoulders took off her backpack of magical supplies and weapons. The other witches seeing Willow do so also surrendered whatever magical items and weapons they were carrying to the safekeeping of the SUV's. Giles was only carrying one wooden stake and surrendered it without hesitation. Robin surrendered two stakes and two knives. Angel had one stake inside his jacket pocket, Nina and Connor were unarmed. Dawns weapons were still in the living quarters and unavailable.

As they stood there everyone but Xander had surrendered their weapons. Xander looked around at everyone for a few moments and then shacking his head as if he thought they were all crazy took off the long heavy canvas duster he had been wearing since he'd left the hotel. As he took off the duster they could see that he had hidden pockets sewn inside that contained a half dozen stakes and a dozen small throwing knives. He was also wearing two shoulder holsters with heavy 45 caliber automatic pistols. He took off the holsters and laid them down on the open jacket. He then pulled up one pants leg and pulled out a knife from his boot.. Then going to the other leg he pulled another knife out of the other boot. Reaching up over his shoulder he pulled a third knife out of a hidden sheath, and then finally reaching behind him he pulled out into the open the biggest hand gun any of them had ever seen. Everyone stood there in silence watching Xander wrap his arsenal up in his jacket and put it inside one of the SUV's.

When he turned back to them Xander noticed their silence and grinning at them, he said "Hey, you try stopping a charging elephant with a stake sometime and see how well it works out."

They all stood there in shock until Faith broke out into laughter as she walked up to Xander and gave him a hug. "Yeah, and how many elephants did you try to stake before you learned better jungle boy, huh?"

"Well none really" Xander replied with an even bigger grin. "Do I look like some kind of slayer to anyone? No sir, not me, I leave that kind of stuff up to Buffy."

Faith glanced over at Buffy and grinned, "You know, I'll bet she'd try it, just to give the elephant an even chance."

Buffy stood there for a moment or two with her mouth hanging open as if she couldn't think of anything to say then snapped it shut, gave both Xander and Faith an evil eye, turned around and flounced away. But as she quickly walked away she had a small smile on her face. It had been a long time since anyone had tried to make a joke at her expense, for any reason. It reminded her of how much she had missed Xander over the years.

When Buffy walked away from her friends smiling she noticed that Joy and all of the younger children, and most of the older ones too, were gathered over by the school bus that had brought Anne and the other adults to the warehouse. Because of her height and the fact that almost all of the adults standing by the bus were taller than her Buffy walked over to one side of the crowd to see what was going on. As she stood with her arms folded in front of her, Buffy watched one adult after another come forward with a bag or a box and call out the names of several children. When the children came forward the adult would open the bag or box and bring forth wrapped packages and hand them to each of the children. When all of the children had their packages, usually three or four, Anne gave a signal and all of the children started tearing away at the wrapping paper to see what was inside. In each case it was basically the same, new underwear and socks, new pants and shirts, new skirts and blouses, or new dresses for some of the girls. But there were other smaller things also, such as combs, hair clips, ribbons, little mirrors, shampoo, soap, lipstick, razors, shaving cream, perfume and makeup for the older girls. For some of the older boys there was also soap, shampoo, cologne, shaving cream and razors.

Of all the children, both the younger and older, Joy was the only one who didn't open her packages. Instead she rushed around to all the other children making cooing and chirping sounds, giving hugs and kisses, and enjoying the happiness of everyone else. She looked at everyone's presents and seemed just as happy for them as if they were for herself.

While she stood there the rest of Buffys group had drifted over to see what was going on. They were all impressed by the behavior of the children. Not a single child had been missed, except for some of the older ones that weren't currently present, but packages awaited them also. Each child was pleased and happy to get what they received, there wasn't a single complaint from any of them that some got something they didn't get or something they wanted. But one thing Buffy did notice was that several of the older girls were standing together talking and looking at small packages of makeup with a look that told her that none of them knew what to do with what they had or how to use it.

With the second small smile of the day on her lips Buffy caught Dawns attention and motioned her over. When Dawn was next to her Buffy spoke to her quietly. "You've been here a couple of days so most of these kids know you. Round up a couple of the slayers that know how to apply makeup and see if you can give those girls over there some help without hurting their feelings, okay."

Dawn gave a big smile to Buffy and immediately went through the slayers and picked out three of them to follow her. Within a few minutes Dawn and the other three slayers were over next to the older girls and were discussing makeup and hair styles and what went best with hair color and skin tone and all of them were laughing and giggling happily. As she continued to watch, Dawn and the three slayers headed back down the hall toward the living quarters with the older girls talking a mile a minute. Two of the adult women that came with Anne and a couple of the slayers were herding the younger children with their packages in their arms back to the living area also. She also noticed that Xander had moved up next to a couple of the older boys and was talking to them. He was holding one of the razors in his hand and motioning toward the patch on his eye and shaking his head sadly, but with a smile on his face. The boys were grinning back at him, but were listening to what he had to say. Andrew had moved up next to Xander and was talking to the boys. As a group they all started walking down the hall to the living area together. The third small smile of the day was spread across Buffys lips as she watched them go.

Four of the adults that had come with Anne gathered up the packages for the older children that hadn't received theirs yet and started down the hall with them to the living area. Several of the slayers offered to help with the packages and went with them. A half dozen of the remaining adults climbed back onto the bus and started bringing out boxes and coolers of food and drinks, paper plates and plastic cups, everything that was needed for a party. When they opened up the back door of the bus and started pulling out long folding tables a dozen of the slayers hurried over to give them a hand with the tables and any other help they needed. After a short discussion and a pointing of fingers a location was picked for where everything should go. Other slayers started carrying the boxes and bags of food, snacks and soft drinks that they had brought in the U-Haul truck over to the location and sorting things out to the proper places for everything to go.

Looking around Buffy realized that of her group Giles, Willow, Faith, Robin, Angel, Nina, Connor and the three witches were the only ones still with her. Everyone else was busy or off somewhere else. To one side of the room Kar-Hool, Anne and Joy were standing together with Joy holding each of their hands. Anne and Kar-Hool kept nodding to each other and to Joy and would occasionally look over at Buffy. Buffy knew that Joy was speaking in their minds and probably making it possible for them to speak in each others minds too, since they weren't talking out loud to each other. Since a portion of their conversation seemed to be about her and her friends Buffy decided to join them. She looked at her friends and nodding her head toward the others and led them over to them.

When Buffy stopped a couple of feet from Kar-Hool, Anne and Joy she spoke to them. "When people talk about me it makes my ears ring, so I was wondering if I could help you out, answer questions, whatever." Buffys tone of voice had been calm and friendly, but the strain of the night was still there, for those who could hear it. Joy looked up at her as she released the hands of the other two and smiled at her. Anne looked at her and smiled, but Buffy could see that she had unshed tears in her eyes that she was holding back. Kar-Hool had what could only pass as a frown on his face. He was the first to speak, "The Child of Light has explained that you have come to talk to my Brother Spike, but he has run away to avoid talking to you. I do not understand this. I know my Brother does not fear you, because he fears nothing, not even death. Can you explain this?"

Buffy took a deep breath and squared her shoulders as she looked up at Kar-Hool. "In the human world, sometimes there are things that are more fearful, or at least more painful, than death. There is a misunderstanding between Spike and I that has caused us both great pain. I came here to talk to him to try to straighten out this misunderstanding and to ease the pain for both of us. I have learned some things that Spike did not want me to know and it is causing him pain right now. I hope that when he lets me talk to him I will be able to ease his pain and change this misunderstanding."

"What is this misunderstanding that causes so much pain for my Brother" Kar-Hool asked, his voice a quiet rumble.

"Spike loves me, I know this is true" Buffy said quietly as a tear ran down her cheek. "But Spike also believes that I do not, or can not love him, which is not true."

"I do not understand this" Kar-Hool stated as he shook his head side to side. "My brother is surrounded by love. He has the love of the Child of Light as well as the love of his other children, he knows this is true. He has friends all over this city above that love him and he knows this is true. Even amongst my Clan, only after my father, Mar-Hool the High Priest and leader of the Hool-Mar Clan, he is the most beloved and he knows this is true. There are others as well, in the human world above and the demon world below that also love my Brother, he know this is true also. If you love my Brother as you have said, how can he not know this is true?"

Hearing of the love of so many for Spike sent a thrill of pride through Buffys heart and at the same time knowing that he didn't believe that she could love him sent a stab of pain. As more tears ran down her face Buffy spoke again, "The misunderstanding between us started before he came to this city, years ago. I thought until a few days ago that he was dead and have grieved for him. As soon as I found out he was alive I came looking for him to make him understand the truth, that I do love him, with all my heart and soul."

Kar-Hool took a quick step back from Buffy with a look of shock on his face "You are the one he spoke of, who can only love a vampire with a soul and not …."

"Kar-Hool Stop!" Anne called out quickly as she moved to grab his arm. Joy at the same time slapped her hand against his side. Kar-Hool stopped in the middle of what he was saying and looked at Anne and then down at Joy. Joy stared up into his eyes until he nodded his head as if agreeing to something.

Buffy was shocked at Kar-Hools behavior and by what he had said, or started to say. She was equally shocked by Anne's and Joy's behavior. It was clear to her that Kar-Hool knew something that they didn't want him to tell her. But what? "Kar-Hool, please, if you know something, please tell me" Buffy nearly begged.

Kar-Hool shook his head sadly side to side and a tear ran down from one of his eyes. He lifted his hand and wiped the tear onto one of his fingers. He then held his hand out to Buffy so that she could see his tear. "My people do not cry easily, it takes great love or great sorrow to make it happen. The greater the love or the greater the sorrow the more tears we shed."

As Buffy looked up at Kar-Hool a steady stream of tears flowed down his face and dripped down onto his chest and the floor. While Buffy watched, Joy put her hand on his arm. She knew from personal experience that Joy could touch someone and sooth their emotional pain. But as she watched the tears continued to flow without abating. He finally turned his back to Buffy to prevent her seeing more of his tears. But as she continued to watch him she saw the tears splashing as they hit the floor. With tears flowing from her own eyes a great pain started squeezing Buffys heart and she knew that it would surely break in just another moment. She knew that she was dieing, and this time she wouldn't come back.

When Joy grabbed Buffys hand it was like a bucket of ice water had been thrown in her face. She dropped to her knees and gasped for air as if she had been drowning. Her whole body was shaking as she drew in lung full after lung full of deep breaths. Giles had rushed to her side and Willow to the other. Each had a hold on her, but she continued to shake. She bent over double as she wrapped her arms around herself. A roaring was in her ears, she could hear voices calling her name but it seemed as if they were calling from a great distance. Then everything went black as she lost consciousness.

When Buffy woke up she found herself alone, lying in Spikes bed. The irony of that thought made her grimace. She was inside the little room that she knew Spike shared with Joy, and where she had hidden earlier in the night when she listened to Spike tell Dawn his version of the truth about why Buffy couldn't love him. The memory of that confession made Buffy gasp and brought tears to her eyes again. Her gasp had been louder than she thought because Dawn was through the doorway and kneeling at her side and holding her hand in just moments.

"Buffy" Dawn cried as tears dripped from her eyes, "Please Buffy, you've got to stop doing this. Spikes alive and he loves you and you love him. It's going to work out Buffy. You said so yourself, all you have to do is talk to him and make him understand. Please Buffy, don't die, I love you so much. Please don't leave me."

Buffy opened her eyes and stared up at Dawn as she blinked the tears out of her eyes. "I'm okay Dawnie" Buffy said in a low raspy voice. "Sorry I scared you, kind of scared myself too. Wasn't even trying this time, it just hurt too much. I guess it was Joy who saved me. Maybe I should thank her, when I'm feeling better."

"Yeah, you do that, okay" Dawn said through her own tears. "We'll both thank her, when your feeling better. But you just get some rest right now. I'll be here if you need me."

Buffy closed her eyes and let herself drift off into sleep. Dawn stayed with her until she was asleep and then releasing her hand she quietly left the room.

Buffy didn't know how long she had been unconscious or how long she had slept, but it couldn't have been that long because the sun hadn't risen yet. She knew this because when Joy burst through the flap covering the doorway and shook her into awareness it was the first thought in her mind. We must hurry Joy said inside her head Father has returned and he is in great pain. He wants to walk out into the sun. We must stop him

Buffy was on her feet and out the doorway before she could even think straight. "Where is he" she asked Joy quickly? "Can you lead me there?"

Before she could go any further Buffy was surrounded by Giles, Willow, Dawn and Faith. "Buffy where in the world do you think your going" Giles said as he gripped her arm. Buffy flipped Giles hold on her off with such force that it nearly spun him around.

"Get out of my way, I've got to go, now" Buffy shouted.

"Buffy, where are you going" Dawn yelled at her as she jumped in front of her.

"Spikes going to kill himself. I've got to stop him. As soon as the sun comes up he's dead" Buffy gasped out as she pushed past Dawn.

Before she could take more than two steps Dawn called out urgently "Do you need help?"

Buffy froze in her track and looked around to see who was there. "Faith, I need you" and still looking around she saw Kar-Hool. She grabbed Joy under the arms and threw her through the air and into his arms. "Kar-Hool, I need you too. Just go where she tells you to go and we'll keep up." Joy apparently gave Kar-Hool quick instructions because he took off in a run with Joy in his arms and both Buffy and Faith had to sprint to keep up with him.

They raced down a hallway and up a flight of stairs, then turning left they ran at full speed through a dark empty warehouse. When they came to another hallway they ran down it until they came to a locked door. Kar-Hool barely slowed down, when he got to the door he kicked it so hard it ripped off it's hinges and sailed out into an empty driveway. They were outside now and Buffy could see the sky was lightening. She knew from years of experience that it was just a matter of minutes before the sun would break the horizon. Joy gave Kar-Hool directions and he started running toward another empty warehouse building.

As they ran Kar-Hool called over his shoulder "I understand what we must do, but I have to warn you that my Brother is a Great Champion and has fought many battles against great odds. If he chooses to fight us we may not be able to defeat him before the sun comes up. I am also sworn not to shed his blood so I will not be able to fight at my fullest for fear of breaking my oath."

"We don't have to defeat him or shed his blood, we just need to get him inside a building and away from the sun. Once we get him under cover if he still wants to fight I'll kick his ass myself" Buffy yelled back at him.

"I thought you loved him" Kar-Hool called back.

"With Spike and Buffy, kicking each others asses is called foreplay before they make love" Faith called out with a laugh.

"Yeah, and it's been a long time since I've done either one" Buffy said grimly.

(01/05)

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	27. Reunions 27

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Reunions / Part 27

When they came around the corner running hard they saw Spike sitting on the ground with his back to a truck loading bay. Fortunately for them this put Spike in a box. Kar-Hool set Joy down and moved to the left. Faith moved to the right and Buffy came up the middle. Spike was sitting with his arms crossed over his drawn up knees and had his head resting on his arms. When he became aware of the noise of running feet headed toward him it was already to late, he was in the box with no way out. He lifted his head and seeing who his opponents were he jumped to his feet and charged straight toward Kar-Hool. Spike knew Kar-Hool and knew that he was bound by his oath to never spill Spikes blood or the blood of his Clan. This made him the weakest of his opponents in this circumstance.

What Spike hadn't counted on was Joy telling Kar-Hool that if he could get his hands on Spike and just hold on, even if some bones did get broken, it wouldn't violate his oath. Kar-Hool wasn't to certain of this but decided to be pragmatic and take the Child of Lights word for it. As Spike moved to his right toward Kar-Hool, Faith put on a burst of speed and cut him off on his left. He looked up at the sky and could see that it would be a couple of minutes before the sun broke over the top of the warehouse across the street. He doubted that he could last that long against the two slayers and Kar-Hool in a fight so his only hope was to break past them and get out into the open where they couldn't catch him before the sun came up.

Spike continued his rush toward Kar-Hool which caused Kar-Hool to stop with his arms spread wide, then Spike cut back quickly toward Faith. Faith slowed down and moved toward him more cautiously. This opened the spread between Faith and Kar-Hool and only put Buffy in front of him. He spun on the ball of one foot and rushed to the left of Buffy which he knew was her off side. As he started past her he felt Buffys fingers touch his left arm, but instead of trying to grab him like he expected she pushed against him and forced him toward Kar-Hool. In just a second Kar-Hool made a dive to the ground and had one hand firmly wrapped around Spikes right ankle and leg. It was like having a six hundred pound weight pinning him in one place and he couldn't move. Before he could do anything else Faith hit him from behind stunning him and half a second later Buffy buried her fist in his stomach. If Spike had needed to breath Buffys punch to the stomach would have knocked all the air out of him, but even so the force of the punch doubled him over. He struck out to the back and caught Faith with his left foot as he tried to take a swing at Buffy. Buffy let the punch slide past her and stepped in and punched Spike hard to the jaw knocking him out cold. As Spike collapsed to the ground the first rays of light touched the ground near him.

Kar-Hool wasted no time, he grabbed Spike up like a young cub in his arms and ran toward the building across the street which kept him in the shadow and out of the sunlight. When he got to the building he kicked open a door and walked inside. It took several minutes before he found the sewer entrance and pulled up the cover. Squeezing his way through the opening he went down and waited for Buffy and Faith to lower Spikes unconscious body down to him. Once Buffy, Faith and Joy were down the ladder Kar-Hool picked Spike up and slung him across his shoulder and picked Joy up carefully in his other arm. He then led the way through the sewers until they got to a branch he recognized and then headed back to the warehouse where Spike lived. All the way back Kar-Hool kept talking to himself in a deep rumbling voice in his own language, Joy kept chirping and cooing to him, Faith followed behind with a smile on her face, and Buffy couldn't take her eyes off of Spikes unconscious body.

Spike could feel her before he was fully conscious, that tingling sensation in the back of his head that was always there when she was near. He kept his eyes closed and carefully assessed his situation. His ankles were tied together, no chance of jumping to his feet and running away. His hands were tied too, with rope, but strong enough he couldn't just snap it. He was on his back laying on something soft, what?, doesn't matter. He could hear her heart beat, no one else was in the room. But he could hear the heart beats of others, not to far away, in case she needed help?

"Stupid vampire, I know your awake" Buffys voice said in a quiet and slightly teasing tone. "You stopped breathing when you woke up. What kind of vampire breaths in their sleep, you don't even need to breath, and you do it in your sleep anyway."

With his eyes still closed Spike took in a slow breath of air through his nose. He could smell her now, that special scent of her and her alone. No matter what soap or perfume she used there was always that special fragrance of sunlight and vanilla and something else that was only hers. Her heart beat had picked up a little, he could hear it, but she was breathing slow and calmly, keeping it under control. He could also tell where he was now, in his room. He could smell his clothes and bedding, he could smell the scent of Joy and her things too. But the strongest scent, the one that was overpowering all others, was the scent of Buffys arousal. What? She's turned on? What the bloody hell!

Spikes eyes opened and the first thing he saw was Buffy sitting cross legged at his feet, leaning back against the wall. He just stared at her for awhile, not saying anything, just taking in everything about her. She looks exactly the same as I remembered, as if she hadn't aged a bit. Must be more of that glamour stuff of Reds. Didn't think Buffy would do that kind of nonsense, but then she was always a little worried about her looks even when she knew she was gorgeous. Still to thin though, girl should put on a few pounds, look good on her. She looks really tired though, as if she hasn't been sleeping much lately. But she'd just flown in from London or Rome or somewhere, it's probably just jet lag, and she's been up all night. Didn't mean anything, she just needs to get some sleep. Her hair was a little longer than it was back in Sunnydale, no, when he saw her for that moment in Rome it had been this long, doesn't matter, needs a wash though. Her eyes, God he could disappear into her eyes, their so beautiful. But there's something else there, pain. Their almost like when she came back from heaven, when she was so lost and wanted to die. This thought snapped him out of his trance like gaze, he turned his head away from her and closed his eyes.

When Spike turned his head away from her Buffys heart seemed to skip a beat. The way he had been looking at her had filled her mind with thoughts of him in the past when he would look at her with his love for her glowing in his eyes. It also reminded her of the so very many times she had refused to acknowledge that love and had rejected it in anger. A stab of pain went through her heart. What she wouldn't give to see that love in his eyes again.

When Spike turned his head back toward Buffy her eyes were closed and she was breathing a little more quickly, her heart beat had picked up a little too. When she opened her eyes again he could see the pain in them, as if it was just under the surface, ready to pour out onto the floor. Her lips had drawn tight in a straight line, her jaws were locked, he could see the muscles twitching just under the surface. What? Why is she acting this way? She's holding back, not saying something. What? The silence was becoming more than Spike could deal with, he had to break the ice. "A bit like the old days, huh Slayer?" Spike said in a sarcastic tone of voice with a slight sneer on his lips. "Jump the vampire, beat him up, drag him to his crypt and have you nasty way with him. The B&D is a bit new for you, but maybe not" he continued as he lifted his bound hands.

"Wh.. What?" Buffy stammered out in shock to his tone and attitude.

That's it, get her off balance, get her mad, make her hate you. "Vampire here, remember, can smell it. Got your nether parts all a tingle have you? Least you didn't try to shag me while I was still unconscious" the sneer on Spikes lips had become more pronounced, the sarcasm stronger. Spike knew that if he was mean enough, nasty enough, she would run away and leave him alone, or stake him, which would be just as good.

Buffys eyes popped open wide in shock at what he had just said, and then a crooked smile spread across her lips for just a moment. "Oh, yeah, it's a slayer thing. Thump the vampire, get hungry and horny, or sometimes horny and hungry." As she spoke the crooked smile turned into a grin "Or sometimes just horny. Haven't done that in a while, probably won't." as Buffy spoke she looked straight into Spikes eyes "Unless you want too?"

Whatever kind of response Spike expected from Buffy it definitely wasn't what he got. WHAT? What did she say? Spikes eyes got big from surprise and shock. All the sarcasm and sneering attitude fled away and he started babbling. "What? What? No! I, I, uh, tired, yeah, bit tired right now. Head hurts too."

As he watched Buffys face a sad little frown wrinkled her brow, her mouth turned down, her bottom lip came forward with just a slight quiver and she started to pout. Bloody Fucking Hell, She's Pouting! The crazy bint is pouting cause I don't want to shag her! What the bloody hell is going on here? Spike snapped his eyes closed, he couldn't watch her pout it would melt his heart. He started taking deep breaths to calm down, then it hit him he didn't need to breath to calm down, he didn't even need to breath. What am I doing? Spike took in a deep breath and held it, then just let himself go limp to drain away the tension.

He laid there for awhile with his eyes closed, not sure how long, a few minutes anyway before he spoke again. This time all the sarcasm and sneering was gone from his voice. All that was left was a level of pain and sorrow that he lived with and felt everyday of his existence. He opened his eyes and had to blink away a tear that he hadn't even known he'd shed. "What's going on Buffy? Why are we doing this?" he asked sadly.

"Well" Buffy's voice was kind of quivery, a little hesitant, "you were being all Big Bad, so I was being all Stupid Buffy, that's all."

Spike took another deep breath "That's not what I mean and you know it" Spike continued in a voice that was so heavy with sorrow it weighed his words down. "Why are you here? Why am I here? What's this all about?" With this last question he lifted his bound hands.

"Well the last part is because you tried to kill yourself and I had to stop you" Buffy said quietly. "The rest is because we need to talk, and you kept running away from me."

With his eyes closed again Spike said "I don't want to talk to you Buffy, I don't want to see you."

"I know you don't" Buffy said, the quiver in her voice more pronounced. "But I needed to see you. I need to talk to you. Spike, I love you."

The pain those words caused brought tears to Spikes eyes. "No you don't. Please stop saying it."

Tears were running down Buffys cheeks and she knew she was on the edge of losing control of herself. Not that she really gave a damned about control anymore. Trying to control her feelings and her emotions, living in a world of denial is what got her where she was right now. "Spike, I love you, I love you, I love you. I. Love. You. Me Buffy, I love Spike. Why won't you believe me?"

Spike opened his eyes and sat up slowly, he looked at Buffy and saw the tears running down her face. He could see her pain and he so much wanted to reach out, to touch her, to wipe the tears away, to ease the pain, but he couldn't live with the lie of her words. "Because I know it isn't true. I don't know why you keep saying you do, but I know Buffy, it isn't true."

Buffy started crying hard, she bent over so far her head was resting on the edge of Spikes bedding. Her whole body was shaking with the pain she was feeling in her heart and her soul. She had her arms wrapped around herself trying to hold on to herself. It was as if she were going to fly apart. She did love Spike, she knew she did, she loved him with all her heart and soul. Why wouldn't he believe her? Was it because of Angel? Did he really think that she still loved Angel? Buffys mind was whirling and she tried to remember what Spike had said to Dawn. That Buffys heart had broken when Angel left her and that she couldn't love anyone new after he was gone. She could only love the people she had loved before, because she remembered how to love them. But with her heart broken and locked away she couldn't ever love anyone else. She knew that was what he believed. She knew that was what he thought was the truth. She had to make him see that it was only half true, not all true. She had to tell him her side of the truth.

When Buffy bent over crying Spike felt as if he were dying, he wanted to die. He watched her body shake as she was wracked with sobs. He wanted to touch her, but knew that would only make things worse. He laid back on his bed and rolling onto his side, pulling his legs up, bringing his bound hand up to his face, he cried too. What he was feeling was unbearable. He couldn't stand what this was doing to him. He couldn't stand what it was doing to Buffy. Please let me die. Please let this end. I can't stand it anymore. Please make her go away. Leave, please leave. It hurts to much. Please let me die.

Spike was so wrapped up in his own pain and crying that he didn't hear Buffy stop crying and get herself back under a degree of control. He didn't see her straighten herself up or see her watching him cry, seeing his pain, understanding that his pain was as great as her own. She reached out to him wanting to touch him, but hesitated, for a moment, then leaning forward laid her hand on one of his legs. She felt Spike stiffen at her touch but didn't remove her hand. At first she just let it rest on his leg, then slowly she started moving it back and forth, just a small distance, on his leg in a soothing way. It was almost like petting an injured pet, just small light moves so as not to frighten the pet even more than it already was. She started making little sounds that she wasn't even aware of, again trying to sooth and make him unafraid. When Spike stopped crying she let her hand come to rest, then moved it away.

When Buffy touched his leg Spike felt his whole body stiffen up. It was like fire burning through to the bone where her hand touched. When she started stroking his leg, almost like petting, he wanted to cringe away from her touch. But after a minute or more it was like he never wanted her to stop. Each soft stroke of her fingers sent a small wave of comfort through him. He didn't even realize that he had stopped crying, all he was aware of was Buffys soothing touch. His whole world consisted of the few inches of his leg where Buffys fingers touched him. When she finally stopped and lifted her hand away he wanted to beg her to continue. He lowered his hands from his face and lifting his head he turned it to see her looking at him with a look that almost felt like love.

"Spike I need you to do something for me" Buffy said softly. "I know you don't want to, but I need to talk to you and I need you to listen to me. You told me once, no actually you probably told me a hundred times, maybe more, that you loved me. If you ever meant it, even just once, I need you to let me talk to you. Can you do that? When I'm done, if you want me to go away, I will. I won't ever bother you again, I promise. Will you let me talk to you? Will you let me tell you my side of the truth."

Spike listened to what Buffy said and could only nod his head, he was to overwhelmed to speak.

Once Spike nodded his head Buffy took a deep breath of air and let out a sigh. She then unfolded her legs and on her hands and knees she crawled over to a pile of Spikes belongings and fished around until she found a knife. She then crawled back to him and kneeling on his bed next to him she reached down with the knife and cut the ropes around his ankles. Spike was still lying on his side and had been looking over his shoulder as he watched Buffy get the knife and cut the ropes from his ankles. When she reached out and touched his shoulder and gave a little tug he let himself roll back onto his back. Buffy nodded toward his tied hands and when he held them up she cut through the ropes. Buffy glanced over her shoulder and threw the knife back onto the pile of Spikes things. Spike unraveled the remaining rope and tossed it to the side of the room. Buffy was kneeling next to him sitting back on her feet. Her knees were barely pressed against his hip and side, she was that close. She sat like that for a few moments looking down at him as he looked back up at her.

Buffy started to speak but had to pause to clear her throat. "Okay, first things first. Dawn didn't lie to you or betray your trust in her in any way." Buffy watched Spikes eyes widen just a little as he looked up at her. "If you never believe anything else I say you have to believe this, Dawn didn't know I was in this room. She would never have lied to you or betrayed you like that. Joy brought me to this room and put me inside before she ever brought Dawn to the big room out there. Joy gave me something, some kind of charm thingy or something, that kept you from knowing I was in here. Dawn loves you Spike. More than I ever knew before, maybe more than you ever knew before too. She would never have agreed to me being here to hear what you were saying to her, not even if I asked her to do it. I know you love her, so please don't let what I did spoil that. She needs you to love her Spike, just like she needs you to know she loves you."

Buffy watched Spikes eyes as she told him that Dawn didn't know about her being in this room earlier that night and hearing him tell her why he believed Buffy couldn't love him. She saw the tears form in his eyes and watched him try to blink them away. "Do you believe me Spike, it's important that you do."

Spike nodded his head, but feeling that wasn't enough he croaked out "I believe you."

"Thank you, that will make Dawn so happy to know" Buffy said with a rasp in her voice as a tear ran down her cheek. She had to swallow twice before she could continue. "This next part is going to be even harder, for both of us I think. I've never been good at this, opening myself up and letting people know what's going on inside of me. I've always been afraid. I'm not real sure what I was afraid of most though, people seeing inside of me or me seeing inside of me. You, probably better than anyone else in the world know how good I am at hiding from myself. If Buffy can't deal with a situation it's off to the land of denial. If Buffy can't deal with an emotion or a feeling or a boyfriend or anything that causes her to feel uncomfortable then out comes represso-girl to the rescue to bury everything so deep she can never find it."

Buffy started squirming around and becoming more and more uncomfortable. She knew it was happening and used it to push her forward. "See, it's happening right now, represso-girl in action. If you hit me with an apocalypse I'll hit it right back, hit me with an honest emotion and I'll hide under the bed until it goes away. You know, believe it or not, I've tried to figure out why I act this way and the only thing I've ever been able to come up with is that I'm scared to death. Fact is I'm pretty much scared all the time. I tried to think back over my whole life to see if there was ever a time when I wasn't scared and I could only come up with three time. Do you know when that was?" Buffy asked Spike as she looked him in the eyes and wouldn't let herself turn away. "It was the last three nights we spent in Sunnydale when you were holding me in your arms. With the First and it's Army from Hell waiting to come out and destroy the world, for a few hours on those last three nights I felt safe. I felt it Spike, that nobody or nothing could hurt me, because you were holding me and keeping me safe."

While Buffy talked to him, Spike looked up at her face. He could see it, he'd seen it many times before, the fear just behind her eyes. He'd seen it almost every time he'd ever tried to say nice things to her or be kind to her or to tell her he loved her. He'd seen that fear twist her up into knots and watched her twist that fear into anger and hate and take it out on him. He could hear the nervousness in her voice, he could see the quiver in her lips. He knew how much this was costing her emotionally. He saw her hands clasped in her lap and watched her twist her fingers into knots. Without even thinking about it he reached out his hand and laid it over both of hers. As soon as he touched her he could feel it, she stopped moving completely, her hands relaxed under his touch, the tension in her arms and shoulders eased. He could see the fear lessen in her eyes. He watched her close her eyes and take a deep breath, then let it out slowly.

When Buffy opened her eyes she was much calmer, the fear was still there but it wasn't clawing at her throat. She smiled down at Spike before speaking, "See, that's what I mean. I need to talk to you and what I want to say might be the most important thing I'll ever do, but I'm scared to death." Buffy had to take another deep breath before she could continue. "Spike, I need you to make me feel safe again. I need you to hold me. Will you do this for me, will you hold me for a little while."

Buffy could see Spikes eyes widen and could see the fear in his eyes. She knew it was unfair of her to ask him to help her, but she also knew that she would never be able to say what she needed to say if he didn't help her. She prayed to herself that he would, but in her heart was afraid he wouldn't. When Spike released her hands she thought she had her answer, but instead he pushed himself back on his bedding and propped a pillow behind his back for support. When he looked back up at her she could see the nervousness and fear that was still in his eyes, but she could also see that he would do this for her because she had asked him to do it. In that one selfless moment Buffy felt her heart swell, Spike still loved her.

(01/05)

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	28. Reunions 28

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Reunions / Part 28

When Spike opened his arms to Buffy to show that he was ready to hold her she nearly jumped into them. It took all of her control to move into his arms slowly. She actually knew that he knew how excited she was, her heart was beating like a drum and she knew he could hear it and feel it once she settled into his arms. But once she was there she didn't care anymore, she felt safe.

Buffy had laid herself down next to Spike and after tucking one arm and hand behind him and draped the other over his stomach and around his waist, she laid herself down over him so that her cheek was against his chest. Spike had wrapped one arm around her shoulder and brought the other over her to clasp her waist. With both of her arms around him and both of his around her she squirmed around until she found the perfect position. She knew it was the perfect position when Spike bent his head just a little and placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head.

At first Buffys whole body felt like a guitar string, stretched tight and vibrating to the beat of her heart. It took several long minutes before she could even breath regularly again. At one point during those first minutes, with her ear pressed against Spikes chest right over his heart she thought she heard it beating. It took her awhile to figure out that it was her heart she was hearing as it pounded in her ear. But it was the quietness of his non-beating heart that helped to calm her down and in a strange way reassure her, this was Spike. Spike was holding her. She was safe in Spikes arms.

At first Spike had just kept his arms wrapped around Buffy to give her the assurance of safety she had asked from him. But after about five or six minutes of her still not calming down he started stroking her back with one hand then stroking her arm with the other. She felt his lips against her head and felt a vibration in his chest, it wasn't quite a purr, but it was soothing to her. One of the unforeseen consequences of his touches and soothing behavior was that Buffy felt herself tingling between her legs, she was becoming aroused. When she became aware of this she felt herself blush and was grateful that Spike couldn't see how red her face was getting. But at the same time it went through her mind that if he was aware of her current condition, and he might want to do something about it, she wouldn't object even a little. In fact, Buffy admitted to herself with brutal honesty, she wished she had the courage to take the initiative herself. If Spike would only show the slightest bit of desire for her she knew she'd be out of her cloths in record setting time.

When Spike started stroking Buffy his honest intension was only to try to sooth and calm her down. When she started becoming aroused he knew it almost immediately. Spike felt certain that it wasn't actual arousal, it was just a reaction to all the stress she was feeling and that was all. He knew that if he were to let her know that he was aware of her current state it would embarrass her and make her feel bad. She had asked him to help make her feel safe, trying to take advantage of her was definitely not the road to feeling safe. But he was terribly afraid that her aroused state, even though it wasn't intentional, might set him off and make him become aroused. Spike tried instead to focus his thoughts on other things, painful things.

As she laid there in Spikes arms Buffy felt safe for the first time in eight years. She felt that she was where she belonged, at home, safe, surrounded by Spike. She wished that this moment in time could last forever, but she also knew that she needed to start talking soon or the opportunity, and her courage, might slip away forever. She tightened her hold on Spike and turning her head just a little placed a kiss over his heart, then resigned herself to do what she had to do.

"When you were talking to Dawn, about me, and the truth, I could hear every word you said to her. I think it was that charm thingy that Joy gave to me, cause I could even hear the whispers." Buffy felt Spike stiffening up as she started speaking and hurried on. "I know that you didn't want me to know or hear any of that stuff and I'm sorry that it hurts you that I did, but I needed to hear it. I needed to know how you saw and thought about those things. I needed to see what you think is the truth, about us, you and me." Buffy could feel the tension inside of her building, but pushed on. "The truth is, you had a lot of it right, the first part of it anyway."

"Back in the beginning, when Merrick, my first Watcher, first told me who I was and the whole destiny thing, it scared me, a lot. I didn't believe in vampires and monsters, I didn't want to believe in them. But what with the dreams and having to stake my first vampire and stuff, I had to believe in them. But see, I didn't want to. But not wanting it didn't stop stuff from happening, and it didn't stop people from getting killed and it didn't stop me having to fight for my life almost every night, or having to lie to my mom and dad, or breaking up with my boyfriend or losing all my friends because they all thought I'd gone crazy. See, it didn't matter what I wanted, things just kept happening and my whole life was out of control. It was like my whole world was one big car crash that kept happening again and again. But when Merrick got killed and I had to fight a whole army of vampires and I burned down the school gym and got kicked out of school and then my dad left us, it was sort of like the biggest wreck of all. But after that things calmed down, no more vampires coming after me, no more fighting for my life, I thought it was over. I mean, sure, there was the whole big mess of trying to start my life over and having to move to a whole new town to live in, but I thought all the bad stuff was over and I wouldn't have to ever do any of that stuff again."

Buffy had tensed up telling the first part of her story and had to take a minute of silently holding on to Spike to calm down before she could talk again. "My first night in Sunnydale I had a dream. Not a happy dream or a sexy dream but a scare you to death dream. It was all vampires and monsters and people dying and cemeteries and stuff. When my mom dropped me off at school that first day she almost begged me not to get into trouble. So I promised her I wouldn't and I promised myself that I was going to be all normal girl from now on. I went to classes, I met some people and started making new friends, that's when I met Willow and Xander. But that's also the day I met Giles and he told me he was my new Watcher and that I had a destiny, and then someone got killed by a vampire, all on my first day at school."

"Spike. It was all starting up again and I was scared again and I didn't want to do it. But it was like I was trapped, the destiny thing, and I couldn't run away from it. That's when Angel showed up. Did you know that I didn't even like him at first. He'd show up out of nowhere and give me these cryptic messages that I didn't understand, and then he'd just disappear. It was like every time I saw him I just knew something really bad was going to happen. But after awhile I sort of got a crush on him. I mean he was tall, dark and gorgeous for one thing and all mysterious and it just happened. But then I found out he was a vampire, which was suppose to make him all bad, and then found out he had a soul which made him good, and then he killed Darla, his sire, and I knew I could trust him."

"Well, you pretty much know what happen then. Right at the end of the school year Giles and Angel found some kind of prophesy that predicted that I would die, and they weren't even going to tell me. So I quit, I told them both that I quit, that I didn't want to die, that I was only sixteen and I wanted to live. But I couldn't run away from what was going to happen, no matter how much it scared me. So on the night of the school dance the Master arose and killed me, just like the prophesy said he would and just like in my dream that first night, and I couldn't stop it from happening. Then Xander did some CPR stuff on me and brought me back to life. So I went after the Master and killed him this time. But Spike, I died!"

Buffy was so tensed up that she was holding on to Spike with all her strength, her body was shaking with the remembered fear. When she finally became aware of anything, beyond her memories, it was of Spike pulling at her arms and speaking into her ear. "Buffy, luv, got to let go. Don't need to breath, but I think you might have cracked a rib or two." Buffy heard the pain in Spikes voice and releasing her hold on him she sat up in shock and started to cry. Spike didn't hesitate for even a moment, he reached out and pulled Buffy back down across his lap and started stroking her hair and whispering to her. "It's okay luv, not really hurt. It's okay, no need to cry." It took several minutes before Buffy could stop crying and several more before she could speak again.

"I'm sorry Spike, for hurting you. Next time just hit me, or bite me, or something, okay?" Buffy mumbled out softly against his chest. When Spike started to chuckle at what she'd said Buffy lifted her head to look at his face. "Sorry luv, but the idea of hitting or biting a slayer is the kind of thing that could get a vampire turned to dust if he wasn't careful." But when he said it he was smiling so Buffy knew he wasn't mad at her.

"Anyway, that summer I spent most of my time with my dad in L.A. and I thought about what had happened the previous school year. When I came back I was sort of in a really bad place because I had decided that I was going to put some distance between me and my friends. I knew I was a sort of magnet for trouble and I thought that if I could keep them away from me I would be protecting them in some way. But instead I nearly got them all killed because I wasn't there to protect them when they needed me. So then I got all turned around and made up my mind that I would always be there for them so I could always protect them. But, that didn't work out either. Because I fell in love with Angel and because we made love, he lost his soul."

"You were right, what you said to Dawn, I did blame myself for everything. I blamed myself for Angel losing his soul, for him hurting my friends, for killing Ms. Calendar, for torturing Giles, for trying to end the world. I did, I blamed myself for everything, except one thing, you." When Buffy said this she felt Spike go stiff in her arms. He even lifted the hand away that he had been stroking her hair with so that he wasn't touching her anymore.

"See, when you came to town, the first time we met, you told me you were going to kill me. You almost did it a couple of times too. But for some really bizarre reason I couldn't be angry with you for trying. Because you were an evil vampire and I was the Slayer, so we were like natural enemies. That didn't mean I wasn't afraid of you or that I didn't want to kill you, it's just that I wasn't angry about it. It wasn't until you tried to kill Angel that I even got mad at you. But when I found out what it was all about, that you were just trying to save your crazy girlfriend, I wasn't angry. Don't get me wrong, I would have staked you in a second if I'd had the chance, and I actually thought I did kill you in that church when we rescued Angel, but I wasn't angry about it, not really. But your girlfriend Dru, I was real angry with her, because she killed Kendra."

"When you came to me and offered to help me stop Angelus from using the Acathla to destroy the world, I didn't believe you until you told me that is was no deal unless I let you leave town with Dru. That was the only thing you said that made me trust you, even a little bit. I mean the whole thing about not wanting to see the world end because you liked it the way it was didn't mean anything. But when it was all about saving Dru I felt I could trust you, just a little."

"But then I had to fight Angelus anyway and he almost beat me, but I couldn't let him win. You were already gone so you didn't see it, but just before I was ready to stab Angelus, Willows spell gave him back his soul and he was Angel again, and he didn't remember any of the bad things he'd done. But it was to late, he'd already activated the Acathla and a vortex was starting to open and I knew what I had to do. So I told Angel I loved him and I kissed him and then I stabbed him and sent him to hell." Buffy was crying so hard by this time she couldn't go on any longer.

Spike let her cry for a few moments without touching her, but seeing her pain he started stroking her and tried to sooth her pain. Spike didn't want to hear anymore of Buffys story. He didn't want her to have to relive her pain again, and he knew that the longer she talked the more pain she would have to drag to the surface and relive it all again. He wanted to tell her to stop, but he had promised to listen to her, so he wrapped his arms around her and slowly soothed away her pain and tried to be the safe place she needed to have so that she could go on.

It was several minutes before Buffy could continue, but with Spike holding her and soothing her, she was finally able to get herself back under control. With the side of her face pressed against Spikes chest, directly over his heart, she started talking again. "You sort of know what happened after that, I ran away from home, went to L.A., and got a job waiting tables in a dinner. I was blaming myself for everything that had happened and I thought that I had killed Angel, and I just couldn't deal with it. But I think that mostly that summer I was trying to deny who I was, that I had a calling, a destiny, that I was the Slayer. I didn't want to be the Slayer, Spike. I didn't want the fate of the world to be on my shoulders, my responsibility. I was afraid Spike. Every minute of every day I was afraid."

"But then something happened, a girl I'd met in Sunnydale that knew who I was asked me for help. Oh, and she's a friend of yours too, it's Anne, we got a chance to talk earlier tonight, but her name was Lily back then. But anyway, we both ended up being sucked into a hell dimension and I had to be the Slayer again to get us out of there. That's when I realized that I couldn't run away from who I was anymore, that I was the Slayer and that I needed to go home and face my mom and Giles and my friends. But I was still afraid Spike, all the time. When I got home things were kind of strained, between me and my mom and with Giles too. But most of all with Willow and Xander. It was like there was this wall that got built up between us and I felt like they weren't really happy that I'd come back."

"That's when they threw me a party, the 'Welcome Home To Hell Party'. Things got really bad at the party and I was going to run away again, and then Willow and Xander and even my mom started dumping the major guilt on me. They were all so disappointed in me Spike. They didn't understand why I had to run away. They didn't understand what I was feeling or what I'd been going through. It was like they were the only ones that counted and I had let them all down."

"That's when things changed for me Spike, not when I sent Angel to hell. I mean, you were right when you told Dawn that what I did to Angel broke my heart. It did, but you need to understand that when I stabbed Angel and sent him to hell I knew it was something that I had to do. I didn't know at the time I was sending him to hell, I thought I'd killed him, but I still knew that I had to do it. But finding out that everyone thought I had let them down was what really broke my heart. That was when I started sealing up my heart Spike, not because of Angel, but because I couldn't deal with disappointing my mom or my friends again. That's when I started keeping secrets and burying my feelings. That's when I started building the walls around my heart."

"That whole year after I came back was crazy, you know that don't you? I tried to get involved with a normal boy and be a normal girl, but it didn't work out. Angel came back and all my feelings for him, and all my fears, they came back too. I hid that Angel was back from everyone, and when they found out they were all disappointed in me again. Then there was Faith coming to town. Giles taking my Slayer powers away from me and almost getting me and my mom killed. Giles getting fired by the Council. Getting a new Watcher. Faith turning evil. The Mayor turning himself into a monster snake demon and an apocalypse to prevent. Me trying to kill Faith to save Angels life and letting him feed off of me instead. Blowing up the school. Angel leaving me again. So many things happened that year and every time something happened I just kept putting more bricks in the wall around me so that they wouldn't hurt so much."

"But Spike, do you want to hear something funny, or maybe not funny but kind of strange anyway? Remember when you came back to town and kidnapped Willow and Xander? Drusilla had broken up with you and you wanted Willow to make you a spell so that you could get her back. When Angel and me caught you and you told us what you were in town for, I wasn't mad at you. Oh sure, I was angry that you'd kidnapped Willow and Xander and if you'd hurt them I would have staked you, but I wasn't mad at you for what you were trying to do. Do you know why? It was because you were doing it because you loved Drusilla and you wanted her to love you back. It kept going through my head for days and weeks after you were gone that you did it all because of love. The thing that kept bothering me was that you were a soulless vampire and you were in love with Drusilla. When Angel lost his soul all he wanted to do was kill me and all my friends. Even when he had a soul he didn't love me enough to stay with me. He said he was leaving me so that I could be happy and have a normal life. I was never been able to wrap my head around that, you know, leaving someone and breaking their heart so they would be happy."

(01/05)

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	29. Reunions 29

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Reunions / Part 29

"I'm not going to lie to you, Spike. When Angel left, I thought I was going to die. He told me he loved me, that he wanted me to be happy, and then he left me. I cried every night for weeks after he was gone." Buffy had to stop for a few moments as old feelings of loss and pain came to the surface. She knew that talking about her love for Angel was hurting Spike, but she needed to tell him everything so that he would understand. Her feelings for Angel were from the past, not from the now. It took her several more moments to get her thoughts sorted out.

Spike was half sitting, half laying on his bed. Pillows were propped up behind him, his right leg was sticking out straight, his left leg pulled up so that his foot was on the bed, his left arm was draped over his knee, his right arm around Buffy's shoulder. Buffy was laying on her left side, pressed up tight against Spike. She had her left cheek pressed against his chest, with her left arm tucked up under her with her hand just below her chin. Her right arm was draped over his stomach and chest with her open hand lying on his chest just in front of her face. Her right leg was draped over Spikes right leg, her stomach pressed against his hip. In an unconscious act of intimacy the thumb of her right hand was slowly stroking up and down over a small area of his left breast. With barely any movement needed he bent his head down and kissed the top of Buffys head. His left arm lifted from his knee as he brought his hand over to gently push a lock of Buffys hair behind her ear, then with the lightest of touches let his finger tip brush the side of her face as he moved his arm back to rest on his knee.

"Okay, now I know what you told Dawn, about my heart being all shattered and stuff, but it really wasn't like you think it was. Yeah, sure, my heart was broken, but it wasn't shattered or anything, not like you think it was anyway. But I guess it was pretty messed up. But what you don't know was that a lot of other things were happening then too. See, when I was in high school all my decisions were pretty much made for me. Mom made decisions for me at home, and Giles made decisions for me the rest of the time. I mean, sure, I had to make choices and decisions about slayer stuff. But as far as my life went someone else was always telling me what to do. Even with Willow and Xander, it was pretty much doing what they wanted to do or going where they wanted to go."

"But that summer things changed. Xander went on his 'road trip of adventure', which got him as far as Oxnard, before coming back. Willow was all involved with Oz then and we hardly spent any time together. With the high school destroyed and Giles losing his job as a Watcher and as the school librarian, he pulled away from me. I think he was feeling kind of lost himself back then. Mom knew I was upset about Angel leaving, so she pretty much left me alone all summer to mope around. So, when it was time to go back to school, start college, I wasn't really ready for it. What I mean is, I wasn't ready to start making my own decisions."

"So when school started I was feeling kind of lost and lonely. My insecurity level was topping out maximal and I wasn't dealing with things to well. On my second night at school I got my ass kicked by a skank vampire ho who stole all my stuff from my dorm room. My room mate turned out to be a demon who was sucking my soul out at night. I got involved with that poop head Parker and ended up as just another notch on his bedpost. I got drunk on some magic beer that turned me into a cave girl for a night. Then to top everything off, you came back to town."

Buffy felt Spike tense up, but went on with her story. "That's when you came back to town and found the 'Ring of Amara' and tried to kill me. Spike I wasn't mad at you for trying to kill me, I mean you were an evil vampire and I'm the Slayer, the two of us trying to kill each other seemed normal. But you said some things to me that day, about Angel and about Parker that really hurt. I mean it hurt a lot more than it should have. It was like you were seeing a part of me, the real me, the me that I didn't want to see, and it hurt. So after I got the ring away from you and you ran away, I swore that the next time I saw you I was going to stake you and turn you to dust."

"But we both know what happened next. You got caught by the Initiative and they put that chip in your head. Do you know when you first came to me and asked for my help I thought it was funny, you asking me to help you. But when I realized you meant it I had to do it. I know you told Dawn you thought it was out of pity, but it wasn't really that. Oh, sure there was some of that, there you were, my worst enemy in the world asking me to help him because he couldn't hurt anyone of feed anymore. Like I was suppose to feel bad for you. But at the same time I had to respect you too. You knew that if I wanted to I could have killed you at any time, but you took that chance. It was like you expected me to treat you like an equal and not take advantage of the situation. Of course I didn't tell you what I was thinking or feeling, I'm not sure I even realized it myself on a conscious level, but I knew I couldn't just stake you, it wouldn't have been a fair fight, and that was important to me."

"Okay, you know most of what else happened that year. Me and Riley getting together as a couple, me joining the Initiative, Dr. Walsh trying to murder me, Adam, you helping Adam, you switching sides at the last minute so I wouldn't stake you. But there were other things you didn't know about that were important. Alright, you know about the spell Willow did that made us think we were in love and want to get married. After the spell was broken, both of us acted like it had been the worst thing that ever happened to us. You rubbing my kisses off your mouth and spitting like I was poison, me threatening to stake you if you ever mentioned it again. But what you don't know is that afterward, when my mind had a chance to replay everything, it made me really sad that it hadn't been for real. Because for a few hours that night I was really in love with someone and they were really in love with me and I was the happiest I'd ever been in my life."

Buffy waited to see if Spike would say anything in response to what she had just said. But Spike remained motionless, he had even stopped breathing. Buffy took a deep breath before speaking again. "Did you hear what I said Spike?" Buffy asked and waited for a response. Long moments passed before she felt Spike take a breath and in a low raspy voice say "I heard you."

Buffy took another deep breath and pushed herself onward with her story. "But do you understand what it meant to me? When I was in love with Angel I thought that I couldn't possibly ever be happier than that ever again. But here was a spell that made me realize that what I had felt with Angel was only a little piece of what real happiness felt like, and it wasn't real. In a way I think that's part of the reason I got involved with Riley. I knew the spell wasn't real, that what I had felt with you wasn't real, but I wanted it to be real with someone. Then Riley comes along and he seemed perfect. Nice normal guy who treats me nice and says he loves me. I wanted that feeling of being loved and loving someone that much, like in the spell, to be real for me."

Buffy had started crying again and it took her a minute or two to stop crying and get control of herself. The tears from her eyes had wet the front of Spikes t-shirt and she absentmindedly rubbed her fingers over the wet spot. Spike had said nothing during this time, but he had wrapped both arms around Buffy as she cried and held her against him tightly. With her voice still choked by her tears Buffy started talking again. "But you see, that wasn't the only spell that I got involved with that year. This is important, that you remember this, but I can't explain it all now, I need to explain it later when it will make more sense. But, anyway, I had to go to L.A. to see Angel. I was only there for a short time and went back home. But all the way home and for days afterward I kept feeling that something was wrong, that something was missing. Just remember that part, something was missing."

"My next trip into the fun filled world of magic was when Faith came out of her coma. Somehow she got hold of some kind of magical thingy that switched our bodies. I think you heard about that, but what you probably didn't hear was that while she was all switched around she took my body out for a test drive and screwed my boyfriend, and he didn't notice the difference. I can't even explain how bad that made me feel, that Riley, who said he loved me couldn't tell that I was someone else." Buffy realized when she finished her last statement that it didn't really make sense, but couldn't really think of a way to say it.

Spike sensing her distress hugged her against him tighter, kissed her on the top of her head and spoke to her softly. "Luv, I'm not the one to stand up for Captain America, but unless Faith was talking her head off the whole time she was with him, he probably couldn't tell it wasn't you. I mean it was you, in a way."

Buffy sighed into Spikes chest and told him, "That's what Riley said, that he felt there was something different about me, but it was still me. But it still hurt." Buffy took in a deep breath and laid still for a minute before going on. "A week or so later Riley's frat house had a party and the two of us got sucked into some kind of spirit possession that made us make love over and over for hours. We nearly killed each other, we couldn't stop ourselves." Buffy paused for a moment before going on. "But there was something about that whole possession thing that really bothered me afterward. When Riley and me were making love, it was all sex and passion, but there wasn't really any love in it. But when you and me were under a spell it was all about loving each other. I remembered kissing Riley and all it did was push the passion higher and higher. But when I remembered kissing you, each kiss was like this ball of love growing inside my heart and getting bigger and bigger with each kiss. I think that maybe that was when I realized, unconsciously anyway, that I didn't love Riley. At least not the way he wanted me to, or the way I should have anyway."

"A few days after that, maybe a week later ,I got a tip that Faith had gone to L.A. and I went after her. I wanted to catch up to her and beat the hell out of her, I wanted revenge I guess. I went to Angel to see if he could help me find her and when I got there Faith was with Angel, in his arms. I went kind of ballistic on him about Faith and I hit him, and he hit me back. He told me that he was trying to help Faith and he didn't need me coming to his town putting my nose into his business. Spike, I understand now what Angel was trying to do, he was trying to save Faith and help her find redemption. But right then, at that time, it felt like he had betrayed me, and this is important, it felt like 'he had betrayed me again'. I didn't understand that at the time, but I felt it was true."

"That summer after we destroyed Adam and the Initiative left town you pretty much stayed out of sight. I kind of figured that you were laying low in case I was still mad at you for helping Adam and turning my friends against me. But I did see you a couple of times. Once you were fighting with three vampires and you were really whaling away on them, but you kept letting them get up instead of just staking them. It was like you were having fun and didn't want the fight to end. So I just stood back and watched the fight, and it was kind of fun. But then Riley came through the cemetery looking for me, he'd do that sometimes, come looking for me when I was on patrol. He was always wanting to go with me on patrol, but it was always easier to do it without him, but I couldn't tell him that or it would have hurt his feelings. But you must have heard him or something cause when I looked back the vamps were dust and you were running off somewhere."

Buffy paused again and took a couple of deep breaths before speaking. "Spike, you know I couldn't have gotten this far, talking to you like this, if you hadn't been holding me, don't you? I need you to understand that. Because from here on out is when things are going to get a lot harder for me to talk about. I need your strength Spike. I need you to make me safe, will you do that for me?"

Spikes voice was barely above a whisper and sounded raspy, but he was so close to her ear Buffy could hear him plainly. "I'm here Luv. You take whatever you need from me, I'll keep you safe as houses."

"It was sometime that summer that Dawn arrived" Buffy said when she could speak again. "You know, it's still hard to say that, Dawn arrived. I know what happened and I know about when it happened, but inside my head and inside my heart Dawn was always there, always with us. I've got memories of her as a baby and holding her in my arms. I remember us growing up and teasing and fighting with each other. I remember us playing with each other. I remember taking her to the playground when we first moved to Sunnydale so she could play on the swings. We had pictures of her growing up, we had pictures of us all together. We all remember her, all of us. It's just really hard to think about magic, or whatever it was, that's so strong that it can change everything that everyone remembers."

"Anyway, that fall everyone was with someone. Xander was with Anya, Willow was with Tara, I had Riley and Giles opened the Magic Box and they fixed the backroom up as a training area for me. I thought for just once everything was going fine for a change. But then everything fell apart. God, Spike, you know what a nightmare that year was. Dracula, Riley, Glory comes to town and I find out about Dawn, Mom got sick, breaking up with Riley and him leaving. Finding out Glory was a god, Dawn finding out she was the Key. Then you telling me you loved me and threatening to kill me if I don't believe you. Mom died and Dawn tried to raise her from the dead. You getting a Buffybot made to love you. Glory torturing you to find out about the Key and you not telling her. Glory stealing Tara's mind, Willow trying to get revenge. All of us trying to get away and Ben turning out to be Glory and taking Dawn away from us. It was all more than I could take. I totally lost it. I went all cata-whatever and got lost inside my head and Willow had to get me out. Then we had to go fight Glory and we beat her, but it didn't matter. Dawn got cut anyway and her blood opened the dimension thing and I had to make a choice. Either Dawn had to die or I did, and I chose me."

Buffy had become still as she lay across Spikes chest. Her breathing was slow and steady, but her heart was beating hard and fast. She lay there not knowing if she could continue, the pain of the memories and the emotions they brought with them were like a knife in her heart. When she felt the first tear splash onto her fingers where her hand rested on Spikes chest it drew her attention. As she watched a second tear and a third and then a fourth fell from above. She lifted her cheek from Spikes chest and turned her head so that she could look up at his face. Spikes eyes were closed, but there was a stream of tears slowly running down both of his cheeks and dripping from his chin. Seeing Spike crying was even more painful than the memories she had just been experiencing. Buffy buried her face back into Spikes chest and started crying too.

Through her tears Buffy choked out in short gasps "I'm so soo…rry. I'm sorry. I don't wa…nt to hu…rt you. Please. I'm sorry. I need to say this. I have to tell you. I'm sorry." Buffy started to cry even harder, her tears falling from her face to his t-shirt where they mixed with his tears falling from above.

With all the emotional strength he was capable of, with all the love he was capable of, Spike wrapped both of his arms around Buffy and pulled her to him tightly. He stroked her back, her head, her hair. He kissed the top of her head as he made little sounds to try to sooth her. Spike poured all that was in him into Buffy to try to sooth her and make her feel safe in his arms.

It took several minutes for both of them to get back in control of their emotions and their crying. Spike continued to hold Buffy in both his arms. Buffys right hand had slipped from his chest to his side as she tried to pull herself into him tighter as she pressed her face against his chest. When she was finally able she started speaking again.

"You know what happened that year, you were there for almost all of it. But there are some things you don't know, things that were going on inside of me, things that I was feeling, how they were doing things to me." Buffy paused to sniff her nose and to clear her throat. "I've told you before how afraid I was, almost all the time. But that year was more than I could take. Everyone expected me to be strong, all the time, and I tried. But it was just so much to deal with. Letting Dracula bite me for starters. I mean, I know I was under thrall and I couldn't help myself. But Spike, that really really scared me. I'm the Slayer and I 'let' a vampire bite me."

"Then Glory showed up and the first time I met her, she kicked my ass. I don't mean she just beat me in a fight, she kicked my ass. She was stronger than me, and we both knew it. That scared me Spike. That scared me bad. Every time I thought about having to face her again I would almost panic. When the monk told me about Dawn, that she wasn't real, that she was some kind of Key that I had to protect from Glory, that scared me even more. Because I didn't know how I could do it when I already knew that I couldn't win."

"Then when mom got sick." Buffy choked on these words and had to take a few moments before she could speak again. "When mom got sick my whole body went numb. I felt completely helpless. Do you remember that night? Of course you do. I'd beaten you up for something earlier, I don't even remember what, probably me just being a bitch. You came to our house and I was on the back steps crying. I saw that you came with a gun, I thought that you were going to try to shoot me, and I didn't even care. I think I almost wanted you to shoot me, so I wouldn't have to deal with anything anymore. But instead you sat down next to me, and you tried to comfort me."

"But I need you to understand something. Spike, I was going crazy with fear. Everyone expected me to be strong and I knew I wasn't strong enough. But I couldn't show my fear to Giles or Willow or Xander, and I definitely couldn't let my mom know how afraid I was all the time. So I took all this fear and sort of twisted it around into anger. But there wasn't anyone to take my anger out on, except you. I don't know why I did it. Why I took my anger out on you, but I did it anyway. So there I am, wanting you to shoot me, and instead you try to comfort me."

"When mom first passed out and was rushed to the hospital, Riley was there and he wanted to hold me and comfort me, but I wouldn't let him. I was so busy building walls around myself, trying to block out the fear and the pain, that I was blocking him out too. But, when you tried to comfort me, it felt okay, to let someone, you, see the hurt and the pain. Of course the next day I was back in bitch mode and blocked it all out again. But something happened that night. I don't know how to explain it, but it was like I could trust you, to see the real me."

"It was the same thing, when Glory was trying to find the Key, but didn't know it was Dawn. I was afraid she would come after mom and Dawn and the only place I could think of where they might be safe was with you. I knew you were strong, and for some reason I knew that if I asked you to, that you would protect them. I knew that I could trust them with you, that they would be okay with you."

"When things with me and Riley came crashing down, I tried to blame you for it. But even I couldn't twist my head around that much. I heard you tell Dawn that I blamed myself for the breakup with Riley, and your right I did. Because there really wasn't anyone else to blame. If I had really loved Riley like I tried to tell myself that I did, I would have let him inside my heart. But I kept him out. If I had been the least bit honest with myself I should have seen what was coming, or had the courage to end things between the two of us a lot earlier. But I was afraid, I wanted someone to love me, I didn't want to be all alone, I was a coward."

"That's why when you kidnapped me and chained me up, telling me you were in love with me and if I didn't love you back you were going to let Drusilla kill me, I went so nutso on you. I know that I said a lot of things about you being soulless and not knowing what real love was, but I knew it wasn't true too. I mean, I already knew that you had spent almost a hundred and twenty years loving Drusilla before you ever came to Sunnydale. I knew you could love. I just couldn't, wouldn't admit it to myself. Not when I had just had a boyfriend who told me that he loved me more that anything else in the world and I couldn't love him back the way I should have. I couldn't admit to myself that you could do something, feel something, that I couldn't do or feel myself. Of course, once I told Giles and the others, they all came up with the idea that it was just some kind of crazy vampire obsession. That because you couldn't kill me you had twisted it around in your head that you loved me. Xander, as usual, figured that it was his appointed mission to protect me from you after that and keep you away from me."

Buffy paused in her story again and took several deep breaths. "When mom died, …… I went numb. I kind of wanted to die, to not feel anything, because everything was just to painful. ……. Spike, I loved my mom so much, and ……. and I don't know if she knew how much I loved her. I couldn't remember the last time I told her, …….. or even if I had. Everyone was trying to be so nice and were telling me how sorry they were, and I didn't know if mom knew how much I loved her. It was killing me."

Buffy broke down again and started crying into Spikes chest as she buried her face against him. Spike held her and soothed her as tears ran down his face because of the pain Buffy was putting herself through. When she was finally able to speak again she told him. "Right after, …… mom died, you told Dawn that you came to the house to let us know you were sorry, for our loss, but Xander wouldn't let you see us. I just wanted you to know that I think Dawn would have appreciated it a lot. Mom liked you, you know that don't you? It would have been a comfort to Dawn, I think, if you could have talked to her then. I honestly can't tell you how I would have reacted. I was hurting so much that I might have just hit you or threatened to stake you, I don't know. But, if it means anything to you now, I do appreciate that you were concerned about us."

Buffy took a minute to pull herself together again. As she lay in Spikes arms she could feel the tension building up inside of her. She knew where she was going with her story and knew that it would hurt Spike as much as it was going to hurt her. Before she could let herself slip into denial and repression she started speaking. "Spike, make me feel safe again."

Spike already had both arms around Buffy, but had let his hold on her loosen. With her words he tightened his hold on her again, made little soothing sounds and kissed her head repeatedly. What ever it took to get Buffy through this Spike would give, even if it killed him.

(01/05)

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	30. Reunions 30

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Reunions / Part 30

When Buffy, Faith, Joy and Kar-Hool got back to the underground room of the warehouse, Buffy and Faith had carried Spike into his room and tied him up. Buffy had stayed in the room with Spike while Faith had gone back out to join the others. Dawn had gone into the room briefly to speak to Buffy, and make sure Spike was alright, and had then left them alone. At first the group, consisting of Giles, Willow, Dawn, Faith, Robin and Xander had stood together not knowing what to do next. Joy had been standing to one side holding Kar-Hools hand speaking to him inside his mind.

After several minutes of indecision and pacing of the floor, Giles took off his glasses to clean them, which seemed to have a calming effect on him. Abruptly he started speaking, "What are we going to do next. Buffy and Spike are together, but Spike is unconscious and we don't know for how long he will stay that way. Everyone is scattered all over the place. We are suppose to attend a party for Joy in a few hours. Friends of Spikes, demon and human alike are arriving hourly. We are suppose to meet with some demon priests, or wizards or whatever they are, to discuss what they know about the Guardians, and I for one am about to start climbing the walls in frustration and anxiety. Does anyone have a suggestion?"

"Yes" Dawn said forcefully. "We sit down, shut up and wait. We all know that the only thing that really counts today, for us anyway, is that Buffy and Spike talk and work things out between them." She looked over at Giles and stared him in the eye. "Buffy loves Spike, but he doesn't think she can. It's not important why he thinks this, but he does. Buffy has to convince him otherwise. Because if she can't we all know what's going to happen. Buffy is going to let herself die and there isn't anything any of us can do to stop her. Not this time." A tear ran down Dawns face, followed by another and another.

The brutal truth coming from Dawns mouth shut everyone else up. They all knew she was right, but they all felt helpless just standing around doing nothing. Faith walked over to the wall by the door and kicked it, then slammed her fist against it. Robin came up from behind her and wrapped his arms around her, holding her arms to her side, as he kissed the side of her neck and started talking to her in a low whisper. Faith had been to the point of vibrating herself right off her feet with anxiety, but as Robin whispered in her ear she visibly calmed down. Xander had walked over to Dawn and taken her into his arms, which seemed to help her calm down too. Willow stood in the middle of the floor trying to think of something she could do to help, but there was nothing she could do. In frustration she walked over to Xander, who holding on to Dawn with one arm pulled Willow into a hug with the other. Giles put his glasses back on, put his hands in his pockets and started pacing the floor again.

The arrival of a large number of the children and a few of the slayers and adult guest broke into everyone's introspective concentration. The children all stopped near Joy as they came into the room and she made quiet cooing sounds to them that seemed to reassure them. The older children and the adults led the younger ones over to one side of the room and started handing out fruit for breakfast. While they were eating the fruit four of the older children came in through a back door carrying gallon jugs of milk and two large boxes. As soon as they entered the room the aroma of freshly made donuts filled the room. Xander, who was still standing with Dawn and Willow, noticed the enticing aroma immediately and his stomach started to grumble. In fact the grumble was so loud that it was noticed across the room and the younger children started to giggle. This broke the ice for the rest of the group and they all went over to join the children for breakfast. Because there were more than enough donuts Xander allowed himself to take one without feeling guilty.

With breakfast finished the younger children all laid down to take a nap. All of them had been up most of the night and needed to sleep for awhile before the party later in the day. Feeling that they needed to stay quiet, but not wanting to leave the room or be to far away from Buffy, the others went over to the area by the door where Spike usually sat with them when they visited. Giles was given the honor of sitting on the big cushion while the others sat down on the floor in front of him. None of them really had anything to say to each other because all of them were preoccupied with thoughts about Buffy and Spike.

As they sat there in quiet, Dawn was the first to notice sounds coming from Spikes little room. She was just getting ready to get up to investigate when Joy was at her side placing her hand on Dawns shoulder. Kar-Hool was standing next to Joy and none of them had noticed either one of them approaching. Joy sat down in Dawns lap while Kar-Hool sat down on the floor next to her.

"The Child of Light has given me permission to speak with you" Kar-Hool said in a deep, but quiet, rumbling voice. "The Child believes that I may learn from you and that you may in turn learn from me."

"Oh, that's quite thoughtful of you" Giles replied courteously. "I would greatly appreciate learning more about you and your people. We are especially interested in learning what your people know about 'The Guardians' and why you believe that Joy is a Guardian?"

"I can tell you very little about 'The Guardians', such are the secrets of the priesthood and not of common knowledge among the Hool. I will tell you that my father, Mar-Hool of the Hool-Mar Clan and High Priest of all the Hool believes that The Child of Light is a Guadian. The other priests of the Clans agree with my father on this."

"Why do you call Joy 'The Child of Light'" Dawn asked as she held Joy in her lap.

Kar-Hool looked around the group to see that they were all interested in his answer, but he seemed unsure how to start. Joy held out her hand to him. Reaching out his hand Kar-Hool let Joy wrap her fingers around one of his fingers. For a moment they sat quietly, then Kar-Hool spoke. "Prophecy! The Child of Light was prophesized to my people thousands of years ago. We have been waiting for her arrival since before the time of man."

"What exactly does that mean" Giles enquired, a look of intense concentration on his face.

"The Child tells me that you are a man of learning, a scholar, within your Clan" Kar-Hool said. "This is true?"

"Well, we don't normally think of ourselves as a Clan" Giles replied, "but for the most part what you said would be true."

Kar-Hool let his head tilt a little to one side and bending his head forward a little he looked up at Giles from under his brows. The similarity between Kar-Hools actions and the actions of Spike under similar situations struck Dawn immediately and she had to grin. Joy noticed as well, or just read Dawns thoughts, and giggled.

"As a scholar it is known to you that the many Clans of Demon-kin walked the surface of this world long before the coming of human-kin. During those times long ago there was war among the Clans that lasted for thousands of years until few remained. Most of those that survived went into the hidden places deep below the surface or left this world altogether. Others, like the Hool remained near the surface. Living in caves and by-ways beneath the surface, but journeying out to hunt and gather as was needed. In those times there were seven Clans of the Hool living in this way. As the Clans of the human-kin spread across the surface, two of the Clans of the Hool were destroyed, the Hool-Ken and the Hool-Yun. It was after the destruction of these Clans that a Prophecy was given to the priests of the remaining Clans. It was foretold that one day a Child of Light, of Human-kin, would come to the Hool and would bring to them a Gift. The Gift was said to be the Treasure that all of human-kin possessed, even those who did not know they had it, but that none of demon-kin had ever owned. The Prophecy said that when we received the Gift we would become the Most Blessed of all demon-kin. For thousands of years the priest of the Clans debated the nature of this Gift trying to discern it's nature. Two of the Clans of Hool, the Hool-Bar and the Hool-Fes, left the caverns of the Hool to seek out human-kin and discover what this Gift that human-kin had without knowledge was, and how it would make the people of the Hool Most Blessed among Demon-kin. Neither Clan ever returned to the caves of the Hool and that was thousands of years ago."

Kar-Hool paused in his speech with a look of confusion on his face. He reached out to Joy again and let her take one of his fingers into hers. They stared at each other quietly for a few moments until the confusion left his face. He then started speaking again. "In the manner in which you count time, in the Year of Our Lord, 1649, three hundred and sixty-two years in the past, the answer to the nature of the Gift was finally brought to the Hool by a human-kin priest. Father Sebastian was sent to this land to bring the words of his God to the primitive human-kin who lived on the surface of this land. The primitives captured Father Sebastian and instead of listening to his words they put out his eyes and released him into the desert to die. Father Sebastian stumbled through the desert and found his way into a cave. Following the walls of the cave searching for water he wandered into a cave of the Hool-Mar. My fathers, father, the priest and leader of the Hool-Mar found Father Sebastian, and instead of gathering his body for food, he brought him back to the home caves of the Hool-Mar and learned his language, and over time the teachings of his God."

When Kar-Hool paused for a moment, and before he could continue, Willow blurted out in a high nervous voice, "Did you say 'gather his body for food'?"

Kar-Hool looked at Willow for a few moments and then a wide smile spread across his face, showing to all that his line of demon-kin were meat eaters. A sharp bark of laughter rumbled from his chest before he spoke again. "Fear not little human, one of the first teachings of Father Sebastian that the Clans of the Hool adopted was to no longer eat the flesh of human-kin."

"Do you mean that before the coming of this Father Sebastian your people did eat the flesh of humans?" Giles asked in a manner that clearly showed he was only trying to clarify a point of interest.

"Yes, of course. Much as those of human-kin eat the flesh of 'cows' and 'pigs'. It was Father Sebastian that taught us that a Christian could not eat the flesh of anything that had the ability to 'think' or to 'love'. That is also why we do not eat the flesh of 'dogs' any longer. It was argued for years among the people of Hool that a 'dog' did not have the ability to think like either a human-kin or a demon-kin. But all agreed that a 'dog' had the ability to 'love', both it's own kin and the kin of humans and demons, so we stopped eating them too."

As Giles, Willow, Xander, Faith, Robin and Dawn all sat with their mouths hanging open at this last statement, Joy started giggling. Kar-Hool started laughing in response to Joy's giggles. "Hearing the sound of The Child of Light's laughter always bring happiness to the hearts of the Hool. The human-kin name she bears, 'Joy' was aptly chosen."

"Your quite right" Giles said as he smiled at Joy. "The sound of a child's laughter always brings joy to the hearts of mankind. But getting back to what we were speaking of earlier, you said Father Sebastian brought the knowledge of what the Gift was to your people many years ago, and that, if I'm understanding things correctly you have been waiting for The Child of Light to arrive and bestow this Gift upon your people. Am I correct?"

Kar-Hool smiled hugely at Giles for his understanding and nodded his head. "Yes, that is correct. But we have not just been waiting. We have been preparing ourselves to receive the Gift for three hundred and fifty years."

"Alright, let me make sure I understand" Giles said in a most academically absorbed manner of speaking. "You have been preparing yourselves, all of the Hool people, for over three hundred years to receive this Gift from The Child of Light when the Child comes to your people. Your father, Mar-Hool, the High Priest of all the Hool, and all the other priests of the Hool, have come to the conclusion that Joy is The Child of Light." Giles looked up at Kar-Hool and saw that he was nodding his head in agreement. "Now I'm assuming that whatever the Gift is, Joy, The Child of Light has not yet bestowed this Gift upon your people, because from what I gather you are all still waiting for it. Is that correct?" Giles looked at Kar-Hool and saw that he was nodding in agreement again. Giles was feeling very self-satisfied with his progress. "Now, if I may ask, and if it is not violating any of your religious beliefs, what is the nature of this Gift that The Child of Light will bestow upon the people of the Hool?"

Kar-Hool straightened himself up where he sat on the floor and reaching out gently took Joy's hand between his large fingers. He smiled at Joy with love and happiness clearly showing on his face, then spoke. "The Gift of The Child of Light to all the people of the Hool will be to give us, Souls!"

The utter belief in and profoundness of Kar-Hool's statement was a shock to everyone sitting around him on the floor. There was no doubt in Giles mind that Kar-Hool, and all of Hool he represented, truly believed that Joy was The Child of Light and that she could, or would, someday give all of them a soul. Giles was at a total loss as to what to say in response. Cautiously, Giles composed a reply in his mind before speaking. "Kar-Hool, it is the belief among all, or most of human-kin, that the bestowing of a soul is the act of God. Are you saying that your people think that Joy is a God?"

"No, but yes" Kar-Hool said as he smiled at Joy with happiness. "The Child of Light is still a child at this time, that is why she is under the protection of the Champion of Dark and Light. But in the fullness of time she will grow and mature, until she becomes The Light. At that time she will bestow the Gift upon my people."

"How long will it be, uh, I mean, how long before Joy is grown enough or mature enough to do this bestowing of souls" Willow asked, her eyes wide with concern.

"It does not matter" Kar-Hool said to her, "it may be a year or a hundred years or a thousand years. But in the fullness of time The Light will shine upon the Hool and the Gift will be bestowed."

Joy, who was still sitting in Dawns lap started trilling like a song bird. She jumped up out of Dawns lap and threw herself at Kar-Hool, wrapping her tiny arms around his neck and kissing him again and again. Kar-Hool laughed with joyfulness and returned her kisses, kiss for kiss.

Of all the people in their group, Dawn was the one least affected by Kar-Hools statement, that one day Joy would grow up to become a God and bestow souls upon all his people. As she looked around at the others she saw Faith and Robin holding hands and watching Joy and Kar-Hool kissing each other. Robin had a somewhat concerned look on his face, but didn't seem to be really upset. Faith was just accepting the situation at face value. Dawn knew that Faith didn't have any religious background in her life and that she pretty much believed in letting people believe what they wanted to believe, as long as they didn't try to stuff it down her throat. Giles had his glasses off and was polishing them as he stared down at the floor and frowned. Willow had a vague look in her eyes as if she were running high level combinations and permutations through her mind and hadn't yet reached a conclusion.

For Dawn it was simple, they all agreed in a vague non-denominational way that there was a God, or something out there. Willow as a Wiccan prayed to the Goddess Hecata for guidance and assistance when she used her magic powers. They had all worked together to defeat the Goddess Glorificus, and Dawn herself was made from a big green blob of cosmic energy. So what was so hard about believing that Joy was going to grow up someday and become a God?

(01/05)

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	31. Reunions 31

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Reunions / Part 31

When Buffy had regained a feeling of safety in Spikes arms she started talking again. She was afraid that if she ever stopped for to long, if she didn't keep pushing herself to talk, that she would loose her courage altogether. "The day we found out about the Buffybot, that same day, Giles and I had gone out into the desert to do this vision quest thing that let me see the First Slayer. During the vision the First Slayer told me I was 'full of love'. Which didn't make a lot of sense to me. The other thing she said was that I had a gift. She told me that 'death was my gift'. None of it made sense at the time and Giles couldn't figure it out either."

"But later, after Glory had Dawn, Giles told me that his research said that if Glory was ever able to use Dawn to open up a portal between the dimensions that it would destroy the world. He then told me that it might be necessary to kill Dawn to prevent that from happening. I remember telling Giles that if he tried to harm Dawn I would kill him before I let it happen. I also told him that this world was to hard, that if I had to choose between Dawn and the world, I couldn't do it, I couldn't choose to kill my sister."

"A little later, when we went back to my house for some weapons, I asked you to protect Dawn. I was asking you to help me save Dawn. But I was also asking you to protect her from Giles. I knew that you were the only one who would do it. I knew that you were the only one who cared enough about Dawn to try to protect her from anyone who tried to hurt her. I was counting on you Spike, because I trusted you more than anyone else to be there for Dawn."

"Up on the tower, after that guy cut Dawn and opened the portal, what the First Slayer had told me about 'being full of love' and 'death being my gift' came to me and I understood what I had to do. You need to understand this, because it's important. I was finished Spike. I couldn't face the responsibilities of being the Slayer anymore. I couldn't go on with the fighting and the pain and the constant fear anymore. When I finally understood what the First Slayer meant it all became clear to me. I was full of love, I loved Dawn more than my own life. Death was my gift, my death was my gift to Dawn so that she could go on living. So I made the choice, my life for Dawns. My death so that she could go on living and the world would be safe. I made a choice and I died."

Buffy broke down then and started crying hard. Spike tried to comfort her but his own pain was almost more that he could bear. Reliving those last few minutes, reliving his failure to protect Dawn from Doc, Buffy having to jump off the tower to save her and close the portal, seeing her dead on the ground, not being able to get to her, wanting to hold her, wanting to die with her. Seeing Dawn crying, needing someone to be there for her. Remembering his promise to Buffy. Spike tried to comfort Buffy, but his own pain was tearing him apart. The two of them held each other tightly and consoled each other in the only way possible for them at that time, with each others tears and pain.

Buffy didn't know how long they cried together or when they stopped. All she knew was that time had passed and she felt emotionally drained. But then it came to her that the hardest part was still to come and she almost panicked with fear. But then it came to her what was at stake, making Spike understand what had happened to her that next year, when she came back from heaven. Slowly but with determination Buffy pulled herself back together so that she could continue with her story, her explanation to Spike.

With her face pressed against Spikes chest, her fingers wrapped in a fist full of his t-shirt, Buffy sniffed her nose and cleared her throat, then tried to talk. At first she couldn't get any words out and realized that her mouth was pressed against Spikes chest. She had to turn her head to the side and rest her cheek against his chest before she could speak. "I'm not going to go over all the details of the next year, after I came back, just the parts about us, and what was happening with me, and with you. When Willow and the others brought me back, ripped me out of heaven, things weren't alright with me. Everything was painful, the lights were to bright, sounds were to loud, everything I touched or touched me was to hard. I couldn't see right, or hear, or taste or smell, nothing was the way it should have been, all I felt was pain, like something important was missing inside. But, I want you to know, that when I first saw you, when I came down the stairs and saw you standing there. It made me feel less afraid. I just knew that I could trust you not to hurt me."

"Later, when everyone else was going on about saving me from a hell dimension, I couldn't tell them what they had actually done, it would have hurt them to much. But when I was with you, it seemed to be alright to tell you, like you would understand and not be hurt by it. I don't mean that you didn't care, I just mean that you seemed to understand what I was feeling and didn't try to make me do things I couldn't do. Everyone else was getting all freaky around me, everyone wanted me to get back to being normal. But I didn't know what normal was anymore. Because nothing was normal, nothing felt right. When I started going out on patrol, part of the reason for going out was to get away from the others. Their constant looks, wanting me to thank them, wanting me to be the old Buffy, it was driving me crazy. But with you, coming to join me on patrol, talking when I wanted to talk, being quiet when I needed the quiet, that was comfortable."

As Buffy continued to talk the emotionality that had been in her voice earlier seemed to fade away, it became more of a flat monotone. "But every time we went out on patrol together, the others would say things about you. Xander mostly, but Giles and Willow too, sometimes. They would say things about you still being obsessed with me, thinking you were in love with me. They wanted to know if you were bothering me, trying to force yourself on me. Xander would say you were a soulless monster and that it was impossible for you to love anyone. That I shouldn't spend time with you, that the only reason you hadn't killed all of us was because of the chip in your head. That now that I was back I should make you leave town."

"Dawn tried to defend you. She talked about how you had helped her and how you had patrolled all summer and had helped the others and had probably saved their lives a bunch of times. She called them all hypocrites. Xander said that Dawn had a sick crush on you and that I shouldn't let you come around and be near her anymore. Now that I was back they thought that you didn't need to be around anymore. But, I want you to know that Tara didn't say bad things about you. But, Xander claimed that was just because she didn't know you like the rest of them did, so her opinion didn't really count. Anya said some good things about you too. But no one ever listened to Anya."

Buffy stopped talking and with her forehead pressed against Spikes chest she lay there breathing slowly. When she started speaking again her voice was even flatter than previously. "I got a call, …… from Angel. He'd just found out that I'd come back, ……. to life. I think Willow called him. We met at a place up the road, …… we'd met there before. When I got there he was waiting for me. As soon as I saw him I rushed into his arms ….. and kissed him. …….. Spike, I didn't feel anything. ……….. This was Angel, the man I was suppose to have loved more than anyone else in the world, …….. and I couldn't feel anything. We talked, for awhile, …… I explained what happened. ……. I told him I was alright and that I had to get back home. ………. But, I didn't tell him about heaven, I couldn't. ……. I didn't feel anything, but empty."

Buffy laid there for several minutes without moving or speaking. When she did start speaking again there was a note of pain mixed in with every word. "Everyday things kept getting harder for me. I'd been dead for five months and when I came back I found out I was broke. I didn't have any money, I didn't have any skills, I had a house to take care of and a sister that needed me to give her emotional support, and I couldn't do it. I felt empty and I couldn't explain it to anyone, because they all kept looking to me to be the strong one and take care of things, and I didn't know how. Giles helped out with some money, I don't know what we would have done without him. I was depending on him Spike. I was depending on Giles to make things right again, to make the decisions, to tell me what to do, to be there for me when I needed him the most."

"That's when we had that dancing demon thing happen. I wanted to die, and you stopped me. You said that one of us had to live, to go on living. I'd just told everyone that I'd been in heaven and not in hell, and all it did was hurt them, make them feel bad. That's when I kissed you. I don't know why I kissed you that night. …….. No, that's not true, I do know why I kissed you, it was because I wanted to feel something. I had just gone through that whole thing of baring my soul and I felt so empty, so alone. When I kissed you, I just wanted to feel something. The problem was, I didn't know how to deal with what I felt. Spike, please believe me, ……….. I didn't want to hurt you, …… not in the beginning."

Every word Buffy spoke was a stab of pain into Spikes heart. Holding her he could feel the emptiness she had gone through, the pain she had felt. He wrapped his arms around her tighter, trying to give her what she had asked him for, a feeling of being safe. "You were the only person I had that I trusted, the only one who seemed to really care if I was alright, who wasn't pushing me to be the old Buffy again. But when I kissed you that night I felt something and it was so strong I couldn't deal with it. It was like a memory of some other time, of being happy and full of love, and I knew that we had never had that with each other, so it was like it wasn't real, like it was some kind of trick my mind was playing on me and it scared me. I didn't realize it then, but I think maybe it was a memory, or a piece of a memory, from when we were under that love spell. Whatever it was or wasn't, it scared me. That's when it started changing between us, because I started doing what I had always done before. When I got scared I would turn my fear into anger and use it against what I was afraid of, and that's what I did to you."

"But after that first time I kissed you, you wanted more from me too, and that scared me even more, because I didn't think there was anything inside me to give you. I tried to push you away. But you wouldn't go away, you kept coming back, wanting more from me. So I got angry and mean and hateful. You would tell me you loved me and I would tell you that you were a monster that couldn't love anyone. You would say things, like I should join you on the dark side, that I would like it there. Instead of feeling comfortable and safe with you I was afraid of you. The more I was afraid of you the more I wanted to hurt you and hate you. But, inside, deep inside of me, I knew you could love someone. I remembered Drusilla. I remembered that you had loved her for over a hundred years. What I was afraid of was that I was the one who couldn't love."

As Buffy continued to speak a trace of anger crept into her voice. "That's when Willow did that stupid mind wiping spell that made us all forget who we were. I was Joan and you were Randy and I felt myself feeling something for you. Then the spell ended and everything went back to the way it had been, all the pain, all the emptiness, and all the feelings I'd been having for you weren't real anymore. The next week Giles left me and went back to England."

Buffy stopped talking and started crying silently. She didn't shake or tremble or sob, but silent tears ran from her eyes and dripped onto Spikes chest, he could feel them through his t-shirt. The pain that Buffy was feeling as she relived that moment in time when Giles had abandoned her when she needed him the most brought anger to Spikes heart. He had never been able to understand how Giles could have been so blind as to not see how desperately Buffy needed him right then. Giles had been Buffy's Watcher for five years, he above anyone should have seen how fragile she was, how much leaving her would hurt her.

Minutes went by before Buffy started speaking again. As she spoke, Spike could hear that there was a little more emotionality in her voice now. As much as he hated to hear pain in her voice he preferred it to the flat emptiness she had expressed earlier. "Right after Giles left I started having dreams, more like nightmares really. I kept dreaming about the people in my life and how everyone always left me. My boyfriend when I first became the Slayer. We had this big public breakup where he blamed me for the breakup because I was acting all crazy. My dad leaving us after I burned down the gym and got kicked out of school. I heard him and mom arguing before he left, about how he couldn't take the way I behaved anymore. How disappointed he was in me. It was my fault he left us. Angel, he said he loved me, but he left me. He was afraid that he would loose his soul again, and it would be my fault. Riley, he left because I couldn't love him enough, it was my fault. Mom, I know she didn't want to go, but somehow I blamed myself, maybe if I had loved her more. When Giles left me, I knew that there was something wrong about me, something bad, that maybe I was some kind of monster. Everyone I'd ever loved or cared about left me. I started feeling that I deserved to feel bad, I deserved the hurt and the pain. That I was some kind of really horrible person and because I was I didn't deserve to be happy."

"Then one night we got into an argument. I was being a super bitch again, and I hit you, and you hit me back. When you hit me, it was like, I felt something. Yeah, it was pain and anger and fear, but it was something. I was feeling something. Then you told me that you could only hit me, that when I came back I came back wrong, that I was a monster just like you. When I heard you I became so afraid. Then I became angry. I hated you right then, I wanted to hurt you and make you pay for making me afraid. The next thing you know we were tearing down a building beating on each other and having crazy unbelievable sex all night, and I felt it all. For the first time since I'd come back I was feeling something. But the feelings were all messed up. The pleasure I was feeling got all twisted up with the anger and the hate."

"After that, being with you, having sex with you, it was like a drug. I'd gotten that job at the Double Meat Palace and every day was a mind numbing torture just to survive. I'd go to you and we'd have sex, so that I could feel something, and when we were done I didn't feel anything again. Except the anger and the hurt and the pain. Every day hurt, and every day I would take my hurt and pain and anger out on you, and every day you let me. I know you let me hurt you because you loved me. But Spike, I couldn't feel anything, not for you, not for me, nothing. I kept trying to push you away, and then I would pull you back. You kept telling me you loved me, you kept asking me to love you, and I couldn't."

"Did you ever wonder why I wouldn't look at you when we had sex, or when you tried to tell me you loved me? I couldn't look at you Spike, I couldn't. I was afraid that if I looked at you, you'd see the emptiness inside of me. I was afraid to look at you and see the love you felt for me in your eyes. I couldn't look at you because you were a vampire, a living un-dead, and you were more alive than me. I was the dead one Spike, and every time you told me you loved me it just made me feel more dead inside, because I couldn't feel anything."

Buffy laid still for a minute, then lifting her head from Spikes chest she pushed herself up until she could see his face and he could see hers. "Having you hold me like this has made me feel safe, given me the courage to talk to you. Not having to look into your eyes and see the pain I'm causing you has made it easier. But I don't want this next part to be easy, it's to important."

Spike watched Buffy take in several breaths as she prepared herself to continue. He could see the pain in her eyes, he could see the slight tremble of her lower lip. He didn't want her to continue, nothing she had to say to him was worth what she was putting herself through. He had promised to hold her to make her feel safe. He had promised to let her talk to him, to explain her side of their relationship. But what she was doing to herself was more than he could bear. But as he watched he saw a look come into her eyes that he remembered so well from the past, a look of determination to face whatever was to come.

When Buffy started speaking her voice was stronger, more forceful than it had been before. "I heard what you said to Dawn about that night I beat you and left you in the alley. You told her that when I left you there to die, that was when you figured it out that I didn't feel anything toward you, love or hate or anything. But I need to tell you a story so that maybe you'll understand why things happened the way they did that night. You weren't around when Faith came to Sunnydale so you don't really know what happened with her and why she went evil. We were out together searching for a vampire nest when someone stepped out of the shadows. Faith reacted and stabbed the guy, she thought it was a vampire, but it wasn't, it was a human and she killed him. It was an accident, but Faith wouldn't face up to what happened, she'd killed a human being. She kept saying that it didn't really matter, that what she did as a slayer was more important than one accidental death. What happened after that doesn't matter now, but the point I'm getting to is that Faith went evil after that happened. That night when I thought I had killed Katrina, that I had killed a human being, even if it was an accident, I couldn't deal with it. When you tried to stop me from going to the police, you said that one persons life wasn't that important compared to all the other lives I had save. That was almost the same thing that Faith had said. But to me it was. Everything about me, everything I believed in was on the line for me that night. With all the fighting and killing that I had ever done, the one thing that I always held onto was that I didn't, couldn't, wouldn't kill another human being. Thinking that I had killed someone was killing me inside. When you tried to stop me I hit you, but you wouldn't get out of my way. So I kept hitting you and hitting you and hitting you."

Buffy paused to catch her breath and to try to get herself back together. She hadn't taken her eyes off of Spike the whole time she'd spoken. She had seen the pain in his eyes as she reminded him of what he had said to her that night. "But, you also told Dawn that you figured it out that night that I hated myself. Remember when I told you about Faith doing the body switch thing with me? Tara figured out a way to switch us back and I caught up to Faith in a church. Why she was there doesn't matter now, but when I caught up to her we started fighting. Remember, Faith was wearing my body. She got on top during the fight and she was punching me in the face, her face, and she started screaming at me. 'SHUT UP! Do you think I'm afraid of you!? You're nothing! Disgusting! Murderous bitch! You're nothing! You're disgusting!' Spike, every time she hit me, she was hitting herself. Every word she screamed at me, she was screaming at herself. I was able to use Tara's spell to switch our bodies again and Faith got away. But the important point I'm trying to make is that when I was hitting you, I was screaming at you. I was screaming that you didn't have a soul. That there was nothing good or clean in you. That you were dead inside. That you couldn't feel anything real! But Spike, every time I hit you I was hitting myself. Every word I screamed at you I was screaming at myself. That's why I ran away and left you."

Buffy watched Spikes face, trying to read his eyes, to see if he believed her. She knew that she had just told him the truth, but not all of it. Still looking at him she completed her confession. "Once I got inside the police station and heard the dead girls name was Katrina, I put two and two together almost immediately and realized that I wasn't the one who killed her. It was Warren, and he was the one who made me think that I did it. Once I knew that I hadn't killed Katrina all I could think of was finding and catching Warren to make him pay for what he'd done. I was so focused on what I was thinking I completely forgot about you in the alley." As she finished speaking a tear ran from one eye down her cheek. Spike raised one hand slowly and cupped her face, gently he used his thumb to wipe away the tear.

Spikes gentle touch was more than Buffy could bear and she broke down crying. She buried her face in his chest and let the tears come. Spike wrapped his arms around her and gently tried to sooth her. It amazed Buffy that Spike even allowed her to remain in his arms, much less try to sooth her and make her feel safe again. With her face again hidden from Spikes view and with her voice choked with tears, Buffy started talking again. "Tara came by the next day with some news for me. I'd asked her earlier to go over the spell that Willow used to bring me back, to see if maybe I'd been brought back wrong. She told me that day that the spell sort of gave my cells a suntan or something, that's why your chip didn't work on me, but that I was fully normal and fully human. I broke down when she told me and more or less confessed to her what had been going on between us. I was crying and telling her that she had to be mistaken, that there had to be something wrong with me, because if there wasn't something wrong with me, how could I be doing what we were doing to each other. She assumed I was just talking about the sex we were having, but that wasn't what I was talking about. I couldn't understand how I could be normal and hurt you the way I kept on hurting you. I couldn't understand how anyone human could do what I'd done to you. The next week, when you came to my birthday party, you were still pretty beat up. I know how quickly vampires can heal. I'd seen you with bad injuries and it had never taken you so long to heal before, except the time Glory had nearly killed you. You don't have to believe me, but I swear Spike, I didn't know that I'd hurt you that badly."

"After that is when Riley came back. I know you think I ended things between us because of him, but that really wasn't the reason. The only thing that seeing Riley did was to make me realize how different I was from when I first knew him. I'd become so lost from what I had once been that I was having sex with someone that I thought I hated, just so I could feel something. I was using you to make me feel, and it was killing me. That's why I had to stop seeing you. It took everything I had to stay away from you. Several times I found myself heading toward your crypt when I was out on patrol and had to force myself to turn around. I wasn't doing good, but I was doing better. You were staying away from me and I was staying away from you, I thought that was a good thing. But when you showed up at Xander's wedding with a date, it hurt. I wanted you to get on with your life, to not still love me. But when I saw you with someone else I was a little jealous. I know we made a joke about it, but it did hurt, a little."

Buffy paused for a moment and took in a deep breath of air as she pushed herself to finish. "But when the thing with Anya happened…." Buffy had to stop talking because Spike had taken his arms from around her and tried to turn away from her. She looked up at him and saw that he had closed his eyes, but the pain he was feeling was clearly written on his face. She had to reach out and grab him by the shoulder to keep him from rolling his body away from her. "Spike, please listen to me, I'm not trying to hurt you. Please let me finish, let me tell you what I was thinking and feeling. Why I acted the way I did toward you." Spike stopped trying to turn away but kept his eyes closed, tears were running down his face as he lay there. Buffy gently reached up and cupped the side of his face as she started talking again.

"When I saw you making love to Anya I couldn't believe what I was seeing, but more important, I couldn't believe how it made me feel. When I saw the two of you together I thought my heart tore in two. For months and months I'd been telling myself that I didn't love you, that I was only using you to make me feel something. But when I saw the two of you together I felt hurt and betrayed. I didn't have a right to feel that way, I know I didn't, but I did. When you came to me the next night, in the bathroom, I'd just gotten home from a patrol. I'd been in a fight with a vampire and I was careless, I got hurt. I'd been thinking about you and wasn't really concentrating on the fight. So, by the time I got home I was blaming you for me getting hurt. When you came into the bathroom I was already mad at you, I couldn't get the picture of you and Anya out of my mind. I know you were trying to apologize, but I didn't want to hear it. When you tried to hold me I wouldn't let you. You told me you loved me and I told you I could never love you because I could never trust you. I've thought about this a thousand times or more over the years and I always think that if I had stopped you sooner, hit you or something, I don't know, that I could have prevented things from going as far as they went. But to be honest with you I really didn't think you would go as far as you did. When I knocked you off of me I told you that what you had just tried to do proved why I could never love you. After you left I sat there on the floor crying, but I wasn't just crying for me. I saw it in your eyes Spike, when you looked at me, I saw the pain. A couple nights later I needed to leave Dawn somewhere safe, she wanted to be taken to your place. When we got there we ran into Clem and he told us you had left town. When he said that I felt my heart drop into my stomach. After all the times I'd tried to push you away from me, telling you to go, hearing that you were gone hurt in a way I didn't believe I could feel."

"Later, after Willow nearly destroyed the world, Giles took her back to England and it was mostly just me and Dawn together. We spent a lot of time trying to patch things up between us and I did a lot of healing inside. I spent a lot of time that summer thinking about you. Thinking about what we did to each other, what I did to you. You know I'm not big on the whole personal insight thing, I'd rather hide from the truth than face it. But that summer I tried to look at what happened between us and I had to admit to myself that most of what happened was my fault. I know, your probably thinking that I always blame myself for everything, but this time it really was the truth."

Buffy took a deep breath and pushed herself up so that she could look Spike in the face again. She tried to smile at him, but it came out kind of crooked. Tears were still in her eyes and the pain of all that she had just put herself and Spike through was fresh in her mind. "But I did figure out something else that summer too. It took me awhile to work it out, and to admit it to myself. But I realized that summer that I loved you. Maybe not in the way you wanted me to love you. But I did love you. I also realized how much I had hurt you. When you left town, I think that was when I realized it for the first time, that I loved you. I also realized that I might have destroyed you. I didn't know where you had gone, or if you were coming back, but I knew that I was the reason you were gone. I went through this whole thing in my head about how I always drive the people I love away from me. How I always hurt the ones I love. So I didn't blame you for leaving, I knew it was my fault. I also made myself a promise that summer. I promised myself that if you ever came back to Sunnydale I would never hurt you that way again."

(01/05)

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	32. Reunions 32

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Reunions / Part 32

When Willow suddenly asked a question, breaking the silence, it took everyone by surprise. "Why do you call Spike The Champion of Dark and Light?"

Giles lifted his head from staring at the floor and slipping his glasses back on looked over at Willow. The frown was still on his face but a look of interest came into his eyes. He glanced over at Kar-Hool and Joy and watched as they stopped playing with each other. He noticed that the smiles that both had been wearing had vanished from their faces. As he watched, Joy placed one of her hands to the side of Kar-Hools face and stared into his eyes for several moments. A smile spread across Kar-Hools face, but it seemed forced.

When Kar-Hool spoke his voice was the same as before, but there seemed to be a note of hesitation. "It is just a title, an honorific, that my people have bestowed upon my brother. It has no specific meaning."

"No. That's not true" Willow asserted. "Your people are very specific about the titles that they bestow on others. Joy is The Child of Light that will one day become The Light. You are The Champion of The Hool-Mar Clan. Not of all the Hool, but of the Hool-Mar Clan specifically." Willow kept her gaze on Kar-Hool and didn't fail to notice that Joy touched the side of his face again before he could speak.

"My brother Spike is the protector of The Child of Light. For this reason we refer to him as her Champion. That is all the title means." Kar-Hool explained quickly.

"No. That's not true either" Willow stated flatly. "If you were just referring to Spike being Joy's protector you would have called him The Champion of The Child of Light, or possibly The Champion of The Light. You would not call him The Champion of Dark and Light." A stubborn look spread across Willow face, one that all the others in the group recognized as her 'resolved face'. Before Kar-Hool could respond again she asked another question. "Why is Joy telling you to lie to us?"

A look of shock washed across Kar-Hools face, but instead of becoming angry at the question he looked to one side in shame. Joy's eyes flashed to Willow's face and then around to the faces of the others. She could see in all their eyes, even Dawns, that they wanted an answer to the last question. At first it seemed as if she were going to try to stare them all down, but after several moments she lowered her eyes toward the floor. Carefully she climbed out of Kar-Hools lap and sat down on the floor next to him, but a couple of feet away. She took a small blue stone out of her pocket, similar to the one she had given to Willow as a gift, and started staring at it as she turned it in her fingers. When Kar-Hool made a grunting kind of sound to her in his own language she didn't look up at him, she just nodded her head.

Kar-Hool straightened his shoulders and sat up straight. When all the others were looking at him, except Joy, he bowed at the waist with his head bent. When he straightened back up he started speaking to them. "The Child did not tell me to lie to you, that was my own doing and I beg your forgiveness. The Childs only concern was that you would not be able to understand the significance of the title and would react unfavorably to the knowledge." Kar-Hool looked around the group and saw that he had their attention. "The title, The Champion of Dark and Light, comes from the same prophecy that predicted the coming of The Child of Light. It was the arrival of the Champion that alerted my people that the arrival of the Child was near at hand."

Kar-Hool looked at the others and saw that they were all paying close attention to what he was saying. He thought carefully before continuing. "More than a hundred of your years ago word came to my people of something of great significance to the Hool. A rumor was told of a demon who had received a soul. As you might understand this was of importance to us because of the prophecy. My father, who had recently risen to the position of High Priest, sent word out through the demon world that we would pay well for more information. When first word came back to us we were told that a vampire had received a soul, but that it was the result of a curse and not as a reward for being a champion. Over time additional word would come to us of this vampire with a soul, but always it was the same. The vampire was cursed and seemed to be overwhelmed by guilt and remorse. No longer feeding upon human-kin to live, but doing nothing to prove himself to be a champion. The vampire I'm speaking of is the one you know as Angelus, or Angel."

Kar-Hool looked around at the group again, then continued. "During this same time period word also came to us of a Dark Champion. We were told that this Dark Champion was also a vampire. Further word informed us that this champion was of the same line as the vampire with a soul. We were told that he became a champion of the dark when he met a Slayer in combat and killed her single handedly. This vampire was known as William the Bloody, or Spike."

"Surely you jest" Giles blurted out in an angry voice. "Calling someone a champion because they murdered a Slayer is absurd."

Kar-Hool stared at Giles for more than a minute before speaking. "This is why we were reluctant to explain the significance of my brothers title. We know of your past hatred of Spike, Rupert Giles. We had hoped that you had learned better. We also know that there are others amongst you that have no love for my brother." Kar-Hool shook his head, as if in regret, and placed his hands on the floor as he prepared to stand up and leave. But before he could rise someone spoke to him.

"Kar-Hool, please don't go" Dawn said quickly. "Giles can sometimes be a fool who let's his mouth run away with him." Dawn gave Giles a look that froze any response to her words in his mouth. "But that's mostly because of his years of training as a Watcher. He sometimes has difficulty seeing past his training and seeing the shades of gray. But Spike is my best friend, and after Buffy I love him more than anyone else. So, if you don't want to tell the others, I understand, but please explain to me why he is a Champion."

Kar-Hool looked around at the others. Giles had his jaws clenched tight to keep from speaking, but would not meet Dawns eyes. Robin Wood was staring down at the floor with his hands in his lap, but he did not appear to be overly tense or angry. Faith was concentrating her attention on Robin as she rubbed her hand soothingly up and down his back. The one called Xander was sitting relaxed and did not fail to meet Kar-Hools eyes. Willow was watching Kar-Hool, but her face was open and friendly. Dawn was watching Kar-Hool intensely, worry was in her eyes and she was chewing on her bottom lip. Kar-Hool said something to Joy in his own language, her only response was to nod her head.

"I will try to explain something to you that might make understanding easier" Kar-Hool started. "For thousands upon thousands of years demon-kin walked this world and made war on each other. But during these wars and between these wars alliances were made between different demon clans to not attack each other and to work together to attack those that they called enemy. To prevent conflict from breaking out between the clans of an alliance, Champions were chosen to represent the clans and to fight in place of the clans going to war with each other. The Champions were chosen for their strength in combat, but more importantly they were chosen for their honor. A champion without honor could never be trusted to place the welfare of the clan before his own. It may be hard for you to understand, but a chosen Champion was always the defender of what was right, what was good. For a demon, such as the Hool, whatever side we were fighting on was considered good. Whatever side we fought against was considered bad. But for a Fellosh demon who fought against us, his side was good and our side was bad. Good or bad was dependent on your point of view. It was not until the coming of human-kin that the concepts of Good or Evil became known."

Kar-Hool looked around him and saw that all were paying attention. He also noted that Giles had stopped clenching his jaws in anger. "For human-kin, as they spread across the world, the concept of human equals good and demon equals evil became universal. Among demon-kin the concept of evil had no true meaning."

Xander broke in on Kar-Hool, speaking for the first time. "Excuse me, but what about the First? The First Evil that was older than time? The demon-y thing that tried to kill us all and destroy the world?"

Kar-Hool looked at Xander and considered his words carefully. "The First Evil as you know it had many names in the demon world. Most of those names would translate into 'trickster' or 'prankster' or some other name that might be used for an irritating nuisance. The First was not a demon, it was an apparition, a phantom like presence that tried to trick others into doing things that were harmful to themselves and to others. But the First had no physical form or ability to act on it's own. It could only do something by working through the minds of the weak. It was not until the coming of human-kin that the First even became something to be feared, and it was this fear that the First fed upon. It may even have been the First who taught the concept of evil to human-kin. But this is something you would need to discuss with my father and the other priests."

When Kar-Hool paused for a moment, Faith spoke up. "Wait a minute, I was down in the Hellmouth, all of us were, and we fought against a whole army of demons trying to get out to destroy the world. I don't understand what your saying. If the First wasn't real, or didn't have any power, how did it raise an army and control it?"

Kar-Hool sat looking at those around him and hesitated again. He spoke to Joy in his own language and held his hand out toward her. Joy did not lift her eyes from the blue stone she seemed to be playing with and did not reach out to touch Kar-Hools hand. Kar-Hool spoke to her again and she just shrugged her shoulders, but refused to look up at him.

Dawn could see that Joy's behavior was distressing Kar-Hool. She could also see that Joy seemed to be unhappy. Without giving it any further thought Dawn got up on to her knees and walked on them over to Joy. She reached down and picked Joy up in her arms. She then moved back to where she had been sitting and once in place settled Joy in her lap with her arms wrapped around her. Joy had started smiling as soon as Dawn picked her up and once she was settled in place on Dawns lap she made a quiet cooing sound and rested her head against Dawns breast and closed her eyes.

Kar-Hool smiled at Dawn, and at Joy. He then took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and then started talking again. "What I have told you is true. The First had no real power amongst the clans of demon-kin. It only gained a measure of power amongst the human-kin. For a reason that I do not understand, the First seems to be able to have a greater influence on human-kin than demon-kin. For thousands of years the First has been able to use this influence, but usually only on a small number of humans at one time. Something happened the year before the First came out into the open at the Hellmouth. I do not know what it was that happened, but it had several consequences." When Kar-Hool said this, Willow and Giles quickly exchanged glances, but didn't comment.

"One of the consequences was that the First was suddenly able to bring under it's full control a greater number of humans and to control them more completely than ever before. The creatures that the First controlled were known as 'Bringers' and they had a hive mentality, much like ants or bees. They did not speak because they spoke to each other through the First. They blinded themselves so that they would only see through the eyes of the First. If they were still human after the First took control of them I do not know, but all of them started as humans. A second consequence was that the First seemed to be able to exert a greater influence on a greater number of humans. This was not total control, but a degree of influence that made it easier for the First to make suggestions that these humans seemed more willing to follow than before. A third consequence that we know of was that the last Guardian was awakened from her long sleep."

Giles had been listening carefully to everything Kar-Hool had been saying. He had also been kicking himself for blurting out his anger at Kar-Hool and nearly slamming the door on the information they were receiving. But when Kar-Hool mentioned the Guardian he couldn't stop himself from asking. "Kar-Hool, excuse me. But could you explain that please? We know so very little about the Guardian's that I'm not sure we understand the significance of what you just said."

Kar-Hool looked at Giles, nodded his head and continued. "I do not know all of the story, only my father or another priest could tell you all of it. But what I know is that thousands of years ago a large number of Guardian's made a weapon with which they killed the last of the great demon lords that roamed the world above. Using magic, they created a great seal and locked the Turok-Han army of the demon lord below the ground. Over the centuries the power of the seal had weakened and the Hellmouth formed around it. I know that I told you earlier that the ancient demon-kin did not understand the concept of evil. The Turok-Han were as they were created to be and for them this is what was natural. But in this new time, in the human-kin world above and in the demon-kin world below, this sleeping army was as evil as the most horrid nightmare you could ever dream. The influence of this evil drew to it both humans and demons that fed off of this evil. Some of our priest have suggested that while the demon army slept the First may have been working on their minds the whole time and increased their evilness. This is not proven, only suggested. The point is, when the last Guardian was awakened, the great seal was also weakened further which allowed the First to open the seal by the use of a blood sacrifice. But even with a blood sacrifice the First could only let a few of the demon-kin out of the Hellmouth at a time. I do not know how the First intended to open the seal of the Hellmouth permanently to allow the whole demon army to escape. Perhaps the First planned to do it the same way as the Slayer did, by using the blood of the Slayer herself."

Everyone was thinking over what Kar-Hool had just told them when Willow spoke up again. "Kar-Hool, I thank you very much for the information you have shared with us, I truly do. But what does any of this have to do with Spike being the Champion of Dark and Light?"

Kar-Hool studied Willow for a moment, then looked around at the others. They were all paying him their full attention as they waited for his answer. Nodding his head he started to speak again. "What I was attempting to explain was that for the ancient demon-kin the concept of evil was not something they considered. They did what they did because it was their nature. The equivalent in the world above today would be a wild lion kills to eat because that is it's nature. No one would think of calling the lion evil for killing to survive. But after the coming of human-kin the concept of evil was universally applied to all demon-kin and many wars were fought between demon-kin and human-kin until the few demon-kin that survived were forced into hiding. But during those years of war the concept of evil was excepted by many of the demon-kin and some of them excepted it totally. Of all the demon-kin, the half demons, the vampires like the Turok-Han were the ones who seemed to revel in the concept of evil and made it a part of their nature. Over time the concept of true and pure evil in the demon world could best be seen in the vampire demon."

"This is important to understand" Kar-Hool continued. "Of all demons, the vampire became the closest to true evil of all demon-kin. The vampire reveled in the killing of the helpless and the innocent. They learned to love the death and torture that they could inflict upon their victims. Slaughter for the sake of slaughter brought them ecstatic pleasure. To fight against these vampire demons ancient shamans used their magic to merge the essence of a powerful demon with a young girl to create the First Slayer and the line of Slayers that followed after her. The Slayer line was created specifically to seek out and destroy all vampires. The ancient shamans over time became the Watchers of ancient time and guided the Slayers to their prey. It should be understood that in the beginning the Slayers were not much less vicious than the vampires they hunted."

Kar-Hool looked at Giles until Giles nodded his head in acknowledgement of his last statement. "Over time, with the coming of civilization, the primitive viciousness of the Slayer line was also civilized. But they always stayed true to their calling, to seek out and destroy vampires. The Watchers also continued in their duties, to seek out vampires and guide the Slayers to them. Over this same period of time most of the wild and most vicious of the vampire-kin were sought out and destroyed by the Slayers. But, a few of these vampires were smarter and more cautious and survived through the centuries. In time they developed what might be thought of as family lines or clans. One of these ancient lines was the line of Aurelius. This line goes back for thousands of years and has produced some of the most cunning and vicious Master Vampires in the history of both the world above and the world below. In recent history, the past two hundred and fifty years, two of the most renowned Master Vampires ever produced by the line of Aurelius were the vampires known as Angelus and William the Bloody."

Kar-Hool studied those sitting around him and saw that he had their full attention. "But, it is important that you understand the nature of these two vampires. When a vampire first rises from it's grave it is like a wild beast. It is filled with the hunger for blood and the need to kill. Most vampires do not survive this early period of time unless they have a Master Vampire to control them and teach them to survive. They are so obsessed with their blood lust that they are either killed because they go to places where they are easily discovered and killed, or many times they find themselves out in the open and before they can find shelter they are killed by the rising sun. If this were not true there would be many times the number of vampires than there actually are in the world. The vampire Angelus was not typical of most vampires. If the known history of him is true, it is said that almost from the moment he crawled from his grave he was filled with a cunning and viciousness that rivaled any of the great Master Vampires. It took little time for him to reach the title of Master himself. For more than a hundred years Angelus and his sire Darla roamed the nations of the world above causing great slaughter. But it was Angelus and not his sire that was the leader of the two. This had never happened before in the known history of the vampires."

"The histories also tell us that about one hundred and fifty years ago the vampire Angelus sired the vampire Drusilla and about twenty years later the vampire Drusilla sired the vampire William. But, as I know you are already aware, the vampire Drusilla was quite insane, and it was Angelus that took on the duties if sire to the new vampire William. My brother Spike has always refused to talk of his early years under the guidance of Angelus, so we only have reported rumors. Just as Angelus came from the grave a near Master Vampire, the vampire William came from the grave with hardly any changes from his aspect as a human. The stories tell that it took years of torture and abuse for the vampire Angelus to turn William into a vampire that Angelus felt was worthy of the Aurelius line."

Kar-Hool paused for several moments before continuing. "The distinction between these two vampire is very important for you to understand. Angelus seemingly crawled from his grave a vicious Master Vampire. William was a vampire and killed to feed and live, but it took years of torture and abuse by Angelus to turn him into a vicious killer. Angelus loved the torture and killing of innocent and helpless victims. William had to be forced in the beginning to participate in these killings. For approximately twenty years William followed Angelus and earned the name William the Bloody, and then later Spike, due to the viciousness he had learned from Angelus. But, where Angelus would always try to find the weak and helpless victim, Spike would seek out the strong to match himself against. This caused problems between Angelus and Spike and made it necessary for them to run from country to country quite often. It was apparently during one of these times of running that Angelus received his curse and did not rejoin the others in his family. Darla took over as leader and the three, Darla, Drusilla and Spike went to China where a war was starting and the feeding was easy. The stories tell that Angelus rejoined his family for a short period of time in China and then disappeared again, later to be reported to have come to this continent for the first time and to go into hiding for decades. The stories also tell that this is when Spike met his first Slayer."

Kar-Hool stopped and looked at Giles to see if he was going to comment. Fortunately Giles had the sense to say nothing this time. "This is where Spike first earned the name Dark Champion in some quarters of the demon world. When Spike learned that a Slayer was in China he sought her out. He did not try to sneak up on the Slayer or take her unaware. He went into her own home and met her in fair and open combat. The Slayer was armed with a stake and a mystical sword capable of killing a vampire. Spike went into the fight with nothing but fist and fang. With the killing of the Slayer, Spike earned the title and respect of Master Vampire. Darla soon abandoned Spike and Drusilla, possibly to look for Angelus. Spike took the insane Drusilla under his protection and for almost a hundred years he cared and provided for her. During that period of time Spike gloried in being a vampire. He was proud of who and what he was. He fed off the lives of humans as all vampires do, but he never participated it the torture and slaughter that Angelus and Darla had always preferred. When he hunted alone, without the presence of Drusilla, he preferred to hunt the strong, those capable of fighting for their lives. It is important to understand how atypical this was for a vampire. To hunt and kill the weak and helpless is what a vampire does. To deliberately seek out someone that was strong and possibly capable of defeating you and take your life was unheard of in the vampire world. For more than three quarters of a century Spike and Drusilla traveled the world where he became famous for his deeds in the demon world. It was then that Spike learned of another Slayer and sought her out. In a fair and open fight Spike fought the Slayer and took her life. But to honor her and his victory, he did not take her blood. The only trophy he took from the fight was a coat that he wore for many years."

Kar-Hool stopped and looked directly at Robin Wood for long moments before he continued. "I know of your connection to this Slayer, Robin Wood, she was your mother. I know that you grew up hating the vampire that killed your mother and searched for him for many years. I also know that when you found out that Spike was the vampire that killed your mother you plotted with Rupert Giles to trap and murder him when he was helpless. Fortunately for you, and the rest of the world, you failed in your attempt. I also know that by free choice, Spike spared your life when he had every right to take it. Whether you believe this or not is up to you Robin Wood, but your life was spared because of the remorse that Spike felt for taking the life of your mother. He was not ashamed of his victory, he met your mother as one champion to another and won a great victory. His remorse was due only to the fact that he had taken a mother from her child."

Kar-Hool sat looking at Robin to give him the chance to say something if he wished. After a few moments Robin lifted his eyes to Kar-Hool and said with a voice thick with emotion. "Spike and I will never be friends, what's in our past will always prevent that from happening. But I know what he did for the world, he saved it from destruction. If I had been successful in killing him the world would have been destroyed. I don't know why, but I've come to believe that there was a reason I failed to kill Spike that night. That he had a destiny to fulfill and I was not allowed to interfere with that destiny. As far as I know, that destiny has yet to be fulfilled, so Spike has nothing to fear from me." When Kar-Hool swung his gaze over to Giles he found him busy polishing his glasses and looking down at the floor with a frown on his face.

"Was it Spike who told you this stuff, about him and Angel, and the rest of it?" Dawn asked in a calm voice.

"No, my brother very seldom speaks of his past" Kar-Hool said as he looked upon Dawn, seeing that she met his eyes with open and sincere interest. "Only a few times when he was very drunk did he mention his past, and usually when he did he spoke only of the people he loved and how much he missed them." Kar-Hool smiled at Dawn and said "One of the ones he mentioned may even have been you, if you are the one he called 'Niblet'?" Seeing the smile that came to Dawns face, he smiled back at her.

"No, the reason we know so much about my brother Spike and the vampire Angelus is because we have been paying spy's to keep and eye on them for many years. The reason for watching Angelus is simple, the prophecy. A demon with a soul is something we had to watch and try to understand. A Champion of the Dark was also someone of interest to us. The fact that they were both of the same vampire line and so closely connected made watching them even more necessary. When both of these vampires came into contact with a Slayer and she did not kill them, but instead they both started helping her in her fight against other vampires, our priests became convinced that one of them might be the Champion that the prophecy predicted. What the priest couldn't decide was if the prophecy of the Champion of Dark and Light meant that a demon of the dark was to become a Champion of the Light, or if a Champion of the Dark was to fight for the Light. If a Champion was at hand then the coming of the Child of Light could be near. We started watching both of them more closely."

Kar-Hool looked around the group of humans and felt that he wasn't making himself clear to them. He felt he hadn't used the proper words to make them understand. After several moments of hesitation he spoke again. "I feel that you still do not understand the importance of what I am saying to you. I need to commune with the Child to clarify my thoughts. No lies will be told, but I need her help to find the words." Saying this Kar-Hool held his hand out to Joy and spoke to her in his own language. Joy looked around the group first, to see if anyone objected to her touching Kar-Hool. When no one objected she reached out and wrapped her fingers around one of Kar-Hools fingers and sat quietly for over a minute with her eyes closed. When she released her hold on him she snuggled back into Dawns arms. Kar-Hool sat for another minute or more before he resumed speaking.

"Consider this, the vampire Angelus is cursed with a soul and for nearly a hundred years he hides from most contact with the demon world and has limited contact with the human world. During all these years he seems to be burdened with endless guilt and remorse, but never to our knowledge does he do anything to relieve this burden he carries. Suddenly, for reasons unknown he leaves the city where he was living and travels to the Hellmouth. Once there he starts helping a Slayer in her fight against other vampires. During his first year at the Hellmouth, he kills his own sire Darla and helps the Slayer to kill the Master of the Aurelius line, preventing an apocalypse. To the Hool, this had great significance. A vampire with a soul who fights for the Light. Could he be the Champion of Dark and Light that is spoken of in our prophecy? Our spy's next inform us that the vampire Spike has come to the Hellmouth and makes several attempts to kill both the Slayer and the vampire Angel, but fails in all his attempts. The next report tells us that something has occurred that has broken the curse on the vampire Angelus and he has lost his soul. We were told that he fell in love with the Slayer and that is what broke the curse. With the loss of his soul Angelus attempted to bring about an apocalypse. The vampire Spike, who has been trying to kill the Slayer, for no known reason helps her to defeat Angelus and prevent the apocalypse. The Slayer defeated Angelus and reportedly sent him into a hell dimension. If the reports are correct, the witch Willow returned the soul to the vampire just before the Slayer sent him into hell." Kar-Hool looked closely at Willow to see if she would confirm this information. Willow did not say anything, but looking at him she nodded her head slightly.

"With the vampire Angelus presumed to be dead or lost forever and the vampire Spike going to another part of the world above, the priest presumed that they were wrong in thinking that either of the vampires might be the Champion we searched for to fulfill the prophecy. But the fact that Spike had helped the Slayer was under great study by the priests. A report came to us months later that the vampire Angel had returned with his soul restored and was again helping the Slayer to prevent another apocalypse. When the apocalypse was averted the vampire Angel left the Hellmouth and came to the city above where he started hunting other vampires and demon-kin in a seeming effort to make amends for his past deeds as Angelus."

"With Angel now in the city above it became easier for the Hool to keep track of his actions and he was watched closely. The vampire Angel seemed to be a Champion of the Light, working to stop other vampires and demon-kin from bringing harm to human-kin. But there also seemed to be a motive behind his actions. Every action that Angel made seemed to be motivated by his need for redemption of his deeds as Angelus. This brought great concern to the Hool, because to be a true Champion the seeking of a reward was not something that should be sought. A Champion fights for a cause, a purpose greater than themselves. A Champion is ready to sacrifice their life for the purpose, they do not seek a reward. We observed Angel, at one time we thought that he had lost his soul again because he willingly allowed the slaughter of a number of humans and broke off his relationship with the humans he was working with to fight the dark. In a later time in our observations, we learned that somehow the vampire Angel had mated with the resurrected vampire Darla and produced a child, which was thought to be impossible. The child was taken from him as an infant and returned some months later as a young man that tried to murder Angel. After several months Angel returned. Shortly after, when the Beast blocked out the sun above the city, he did lose his soul again. It was the witch Willow who came to the city above and restored it to him again. After that Angel defeated the god Jasmine and averted her taking over the minds of all who live in the world above. But, instead of taking on the mantel of a true champion, Angel made a bargain, for a reward, with the minions of the Wolf, Ram and Hart. It was at that time that we became convinced that he could not be the champion we had been waiting for all these years."

Kar-Hool searched the faces of those around him to see if any had questions. When none were asked, he continued. "It was learned that a number of months after Angel had left the Hellmouth to come to the city above, the vampire Spike had returned to the Hellmouth. It is believed that he returned to the Hellmouth in order to meet and fight the Slayer to the death. But that did not happen, as all of you know. Spike was capture by soldiers and their scientists put a devise into his head that prevented him from harming humans and feeding. What was a surprise to all of the Hool was that again, for the second time, the Slayer refused to kill a known vampire once she learned that he could not bring harm to humans. Because we were paying close attention to Angel at this time we did not pay as close attention to Spike as we should have been doing. Apparently, because of the 'chip' in his head, Spike could not do direct harm to humans, but he did on several occasions plot harm to the Slayer and her friends. What we learned later, after the fact, was that for some reason at the very decisive point of a battle between the Slayer and a demon army, Spike switched sides again and helped the Slayer."

"Our next reports on Spike said that although he was unable to harm humans he was openly helping the Slayer to fight vampires and demons in exchange for money, blood and his safety from other humans. It is during this time that something seemed to be happening within Spike. With the 'chip' inside his head preventing him from harming humans he seemed to be trying to make stronger relationships with the humans he knew. It was reported on numerous occasions that although the Slayer and her friends were reluctant to have Spike around them, they never hesitated to use him as a fighter to defend them from harm." Kar-Hool looked around and noticed that Giles, Willow and Xander would not meet his eyes. Faith and Robin seemed to be unaffected by what he had just said. But Dawn met his eyes squarely. "It was also reported that Spike spent time with the mother and sister of the Slayer, when the Slayer wasn't at her home. It was also reported that on several occasions when the Slayer thought her family was in danger she would take them to Spike for protection. Again, my people were at a loss as to why this was happening. Spike has always refused to talk about his years in the Hellmouth, so we only have the reports of our paid spy's to tell us what they observed. Sometime that year the hell god Glorificus came to the Hellmouth and came into conflict with the Slayer. At one time we know that she took Spike captive and tortured him for many hours and that it was through the efforts of the Slayer that he was rescued. We also know that after the death of the Slayers mother Spike became a protector of the Slayers sister." Kar-Hool paused for a moment and smiled at Dawn. "We also know that Glorificus took the Slayers sister captive and was going to use her as a blood sacrifice to open a portal between dimensions. Why the Slayers sister was chosen we do not know. The Child of Light has told us that she knows the reason, but it is not something that is necessary for us to know, and has no relevance to our prophecy. It was during the battle with Glorificus that Spike nearly lost his life trying to rescue the Slayers sister. This was also when the Slayer gave her life, after defeating Glorificus, to close the portal that had been opened."

Kar-Hool looked around again to see if anyone was going to comment. "The reports tell us that after the Slayers death Spike became the protector of the Slayers sister and helped to conceal from the vampires and demons of the Hellmouth that the Slayer was dead by continuing to fight against them with her Watcher and her friends. The next report we received told us that the Slayer had been returned to life by the efforts of the witch Willow and that the Slayer and Spike had become involved in a relationship with each other. If the reports are true, the relationship was extremely abusive on the part of the Slayer and that at one point the Slayer beat Spike so badly that he nearly died of his injuries. The next report we received told us that Spike had left the Hellmouth. Why he left has never been revealed. It was only months later that we learned that on leaving the Hellmouth he had gone to Africa to meet with a demon of great powers where he underwent trials of combat and torture to gain a soul. As soon as we learned of this, my father and the other priests of the Hool started searching for Spike. The fact that a second vampire had received a soul was something we couldn't ignore."

Kar-Hool paused again, waiting for questions, but also hoping that someone would tell him why Spike had left the Hellmouth and why he had fought and nearly died to gain a soul. "You will understand that this was a time of great turmoil for my people. Angel was missing and presumed to be dead. Spike had gone to Africa to gain a soul and had disappeared afterward. Both of the possible Champions that might one day lead us to the Child of Light were gone and we didn't know if they were dead or alive. It was during this time when my father was paying spy's around the world to look for both Spike and Angel that we first received news that potential slayers and their Watchers were being killed by 'Bringers'. We knew of the 'Bringers' and that they were the minions of the First Evil. But at first we did not make the connection between what the 'Bringers' were doing and Spike. But word started spreading within the demon world that a time was approaching when demon-kin would have to choose sides in an approaching apocalypse and those who didn't side with the First would be destroyed. Our priest were convinced that the predicted apocalypse was not part of a prophecy, that it was being pushed forward by the First Evil itself. Where the First had suddenly received such power had the whole demon world in a turmoil. It was several months before we finally received word from the Hellmouth that Spike had returned. But at the same time we were informed of his return we also learned that he appeared to have lost his mind. More spy's were sent to the Hellmouth and by the time they learned something and reported back, the Watcher Council had been destroyed, most of the Watchers and potential slayers around the world had been killed, and those few who had survived were either in hiding or on their way to the Hellmouth to join up with the Slayer. Additional news reported that the minions of the First had taken Spike captive and had used his blood to open the great seal to release a Turok-Han. The next report told of the Slayer rescuing Spike and of the two of them working together to train the young potential slayers to fight against the First."

"Please understand that at this same time we were also greatly involved with watching over Angel's activities and mistakenly thought that they were of the greater importance. It was still hard for my father and the rest of the priests to take the threats of the First Evil seriously. The next report we received told us that the Slayer had the 'chip' removed from Spikes head, and that Rupert Giles and Robin Wood had tried to murder Spike, but failed. Our last report from the Hellmouth told us that the Slayer had recovered the ancient weapon that the Guardians had used to kill the last great demon lord. That she had used the weapon to kill the First Evils general, and that Angel had arrived unexpectantly and had given the Slayer some kind of weapon. Lastly the Slayer, Spike and all of the potential slayers plus the witch Willow and the other friends of the Slayer were going down into the Hellmouth to fight the army of the First. The spy claims he just barely escaped from the area surrounding the Hellmouth when the whole town above was destroyed along with the Hellmouth itself."

"Understand our confusion and dismay. Angel gives a weapon to the Slayer to help fight the First Evil. The Hellmouth is destroyed, but so to is the Champion Spike. Just hours or days later Angel makes a bargain with the Wolf, Ram and Hart and takes over running their headquarters in the city above. We were all convinced that Angel must have lost his soul again and had deliberately plotted to kill the Champion Spike along with the Slayer and all the potential slayers. We were convinced that our prophecy was destroyed and that Angel had been part of it's destruction. It was days later that we learned that the Slayer had survived and that somehow the witch Willow had used the power of the ancient Guardian weapon to turn all potential slayers into actual Slayers. We also learned that it was the Champion Spike who had used the weapon that Angel had brought to the Slayer to destroy the Hellmouth and to close the door that had been opened to the First Evil that had given it such increased powers. The weapon had apparently also taken the life of the Champion Spike."

"Over the next months my father had spy's watching the activities of Angel to see if he had actually lost his soul. The reports indicated that he still had his soul and that in some instances he was using the resources of the Wolf, Ram and Hart to do good things and to help both human-kin and demon-kin. My father and the other priest became hopeful again that the prophecy still had a chance of being fulfilled. Getting a spy into the headquarters of the Wolf, Ram and Hart was difficult, but after several months one was able to enter the building. The first thing the spy reported seeing was the Champion Spike, but he was now a ghost. This again threw the priest into confusion. Angel, the potential Champion of the prophecy, is running the offices of the Wolf, Ram and Hart, but doing good with the resources he now has available to him. Spike, a proven Champion of the Dark who has gained a soul and has destroyed the Hellmouth, is now a ghost and is abiding within the building of the Wolf, Ram and Hart headquarters. Additional spy's were hired, along with extensive bribes paid, to learn more about Angels activities and the ghost Spike. It took little effort to find out that the weapon Angel had given to the Slayer was an amulet of great power and that Spike had worn the amulet into the Hellmouth. That it was Spike and the amulet in combination that had destroyed the Hellmouth and had seemed to have also destroyed Spike. That the amulet had appeared in Angels office and that the ghost of Spike had come out of it. It was also learned that attempts had been made to both destroy Spike in his ghost like form and to restore him to physical form."

"It was my father, the High Priest of the Hool, leader of the Hool-Mar Clan, that discovered that Spike had been returned to corporeal form. My father was on his way through the sewers of the city above to negotiate an important settlement between the Hool and a clan of Megesloth demons. I had gone ahead to make sure that proper procedures had been followed for the meeting. My father was traveling quickly with just a small escort to the meeting because he was not expecting any trouble along the way. A large group of Felrock demons attacked him and his escort and half the escort was dead within moments of the attack. My father has told me that it would have only been minutes at the most before the rest of the escort and himself would have been killed if Spike had not arrived. Spike attacked the Felrock demons from behind and before they even knew he was there half their numbers were either dead or wounded on the ground. Then with the rest of my fathers escort he help them fight their way out of the trap they were in and to safety. My father had never seen Spike, but he had read many descriptions of him and recognized him immediately. Once they were safe my father asked him why he had helped them. Spike told my father that he had been told that he had a destiny to fulfill and that he was suppose to protect others from harm. He figured that the bad guys had to be the ones that set up the ambush so he felt it was only right that he should spoil their ambush. My father offered to pay him a reward for his help. Spike told my father that he was working for the good side of things now and could not except anything for doing it. My father told Spike that he owed him a debt of gratitude and that someday he would repay him. My father told me later that it only took him moments in the presence of Spike for him to realize the sacrifice that he had paid at the Hellmouth and that he was sure that Spike was the Champion of Dark and Light we had been waiting for to fulfill the prophecy."

"We tried to keep better track of Spikes activities once we knew he was no longer a ghost and that he was moving around in the city above. We hired more spy's to follow him and a number of the Hool, myself included, started keeping track of him. On several occasions I watched him from a distance as he fought with both vampires and demons to protect helpless human-kin and demon-kin from being harmed. We lost track of him for awhile because he was traveling with Angel. Before we knew that anything was occurring, we found out that Angel, Spike, and several others had attacked the highest ranking members of the Black Thorn organization and had killed them. We also learned at that same time that the Wolf, Ram and Hart were sending a demon army across dimensions to destroy them. Before my father could do anything to be of help, the demon army had already attacked and the battle was in progress. It was assumed that Angel, Spike and all the others must have died because the size of the forces against them were far to great for them to win. It was late the next morning that word came to me that a young human was dragging Spikes injured body through the sewers away from where the battle had occurred. Because I was able to speak to the human, I went to him and explained that Spike was a friend to my Clan and that we wanted to help him and hide him from any possible harm. The young many, Tyron, agreed to let us help and we took Spike to our deepest caves and used our strongest spells to hide his presence in the under world. My father, not wanting Spike to be easily found by the Wolf, Ram and Hart, had a leather suit made for him by our people and with the use of the Holy Cross and the magic's known to our priest a spell was cast upon it to hide him from detection. As long as he wears the leather suit or the cross he is safe from being detected by any seeker spell."

"It took many weeks to repair the injuries that had been inflicted on my brother during the battle he fought. It took months before he could walk properly and defend himself as a warrior and Champion. But as soon as he was able to do so, he returned to the city above to repay his debt to the young man Tyron for saving his life by dragging him away from the battle area where he could have been found easily. Once Spike joined Tyron's group of children and young men and women, he started immediately helping those in need of his assistance. My father befriended this group of human-kin children and has been helping them ever since. When the Child of Light came to Spike we knew of it within days and have been watching and studying her with great care. I am not a priest and do not know what the priest and the Child do together. The Child is my friend and she brings great joy into the hearts of all she meets. She has made the life of my brother less painful by bringing love into his life once again."

When Kar-Hool finished speaking he was certain that he had explained everything in enough detail that the group of humans he was talking to had to understand what the significance of Spikes title now meant. But as he looked at them, one by one, he could see it on their faces that they still did not comprehend. He felt lost as to how to explain further and looked over to Joy for help. Joy, who was still being held in Dawns arms, reached out and took one finger of his outstretched hand into her grasp. They looked at each other for several long moments.

"The Child of Light says to tell you that a true Champion fights for honor and never for a reward. A true Champion will make any sacrifice needed to achieve their purpose." Kar-Hool told them. "In the demon world disputes are often settled by the meeting of Clan Champions in combat, to prevent a dispute from growing into a war between clans. A Champion has the full trust of his people because their lives may depend on him. On numerous occasions, demon clans have asked Spike to represent their clans in these combats because they did not have a fair possibility of winning against their opponent. If Spike has judged that the clan asking for his aid is the one who has the right of the dispute he has acted as their Champion in the combat. Spike has earned a great reputation amongst the demon clans as a Dark Champion, he has earned their trust. Even those he has defeated in combat recognize his stature. Many disputes have been settled without combat once it was know that Spike would be fighting for one side. Even the most recalcitrant of the demon clans respect him. Within the clans of the Hool and many other demon clans, Spike is considered a friend and is beloved by many."

Kar-Hool looked around at the humans and wondered to himself if they were all stupid or if they were all just totally ignorant of demon ways. He decided to believe that it must be ignorance. Joy took his finger in her hand again and they communicated again. "In the vampire clans the oldest living vampire who is a Master is considered to be the Master of the Clan. In the Aurelius clan the oldest living Master would be Angelus. But because he had a soul he was never considered to be fit to lead the clan. Drusilla, because she is insane was never able to become a Master. Within the Aurelius line there are other Master Vampires, but none of them have the stature or respect that Spike carries. Once they offered him the leadership of the Aurelius line and he refused. Twice Master Vampires have met him in combat to the death to try to win the position for themselves."

"Oh My Goddess!!" Willow blurted out. Kar-Hool could see that someone finally understood. Willow looked over at him with her eyes opened widely as if in shock or surprise, it was probably both. The others were looking at her, not understanding at all, except for Joy, who was watching her reaction. "A Champion of the Dark who fights for the Light" Willow mumbled. "Why didn't I see it sooner? His sacrifice? Oh Goddess! That means….." Willow trailed off as she looked around at her friends and then over at the little room that Buffy and Spike had been inside for the past couple of hours. At first thought a look of fear crossed her face, and was then dismissed with a shake of her head. Willow whipped her head around at everyone and could tell that they still hadn't figured it out. "Oh My Goddess!"

Giles became exasperated and snapped out "Willow would you please stop calling to your goddess and explain yourself? You have obviously figured out something that the rest of us have missed. So would you please tell us what it is and stop going on about it."

Willow looked around at everyone else and could see that they too were waiting for an explanation of what she had figured out. Hesitantly, as if trying to find the words, she started speaking in an awed tone of voice. "Spike ….. he's a Champion of the Dark ….. demons trust him ….. but he fight for the light. Don't you get it? He's a demon, of the dark, and he fight for the light, for the good of humans and demons. He made a sacrifice …… at the Hellmouth. It burned up when he did …… and when he came back …… it was gone. His soul, he sacrificed his soul …… and it's gone. Spike doesn't have a soul."

Tears started running from Dawns eyes as soon as she understood. She bent her head and rested it on Joys shoulder as she cried quietly. The pain she was feeling for Spike made her heart ache with every beat it made in her chest. Joy reached back and tried to sooth her, but Dawn shook her head instead and lifting her head she straightened her shoulders. She told herself that she was not going to cry for the loss of Spikes soul. She had loved him before he ever had a soul and she loved him just as much now.

When it finally got through to Giles what Willow had just said, his eyes widened and he looked over at the little room with fear on his face. He immediately started to rise to rush over to the room to protect Buffy from Spike.

Before he could get his feet under him, Dawn kicked out with her foot and knocked him back on his seat. "Don't even think about it Giles" Dawn said in a dangerous tone of voice. While she was speaking she deftly moved Joy off her lap and out of her way. "You even try to interfere I'll kick your ass. Just sit tight and start using that brain of yours."

Giles had been completely taken by surprise by Dawns kick and further surprised by her tone of voice and her words. For several moments he was speechless, which was probably for the good, because it gave him time to start thinking instead of just reacting.

Dawn was keeping her eyes on the others too. She figured that she had a fairly good chance of taking Giles and Xander, but doubted that she had much chance against Robin. If Faith got into it with her she knew she'd get her ass kicked. Willow was the only one she didn't feel she had to worry about trying to harm Spike. She had seen the shock on Willows face and the sadness and sorrow that soon followed. The idea that she might have to do something to protect Spike from her friends made Dawn sick. But she remembered with perfect clarity that Giles and Robin had tried to murder him once and Xander had never been shy about his hatred of Spike before the Hellmouth was destroyed and Spike was thought to be dead. She sat there with a knot growing in her stomach, waiting to see who would make the first move toward harming Spike.

It was Faith that broke the tension. "Damn girl, do you really think were all going to charge over there and attack Spike? Personally, I got to kinda figure that if he hasn't tried to kill anyone in the past eight years he's not going to start today. Especially Buffy. You know he can't really hurt her, and so do we."

Faiths little speech broke the tension and even Giles relaxed as he realized for the first time that Faith was perfectly correct. There wasn't any way that Spike could hurt Buffy physically. The only thing to worry about was emotional damage and whether or not when Buffy walked out of that room she was going to want to live or die.

They were all sitting there, not talking, waiting for something to happen. When Spike suddenly walked out of his room and headed for the door they all froze. Joy was on her feet and in front of the door before he could get there. Spike did not try to force his way past Joy, he just reached down and picked her up in his arms. As soon as she was in his arms she must have started communicating with him, because he stopped in place and looked over at the others still sitting on the floor. A look of intense pain seemed to flash across his face for just a moment as his eyes touched on Dawn. But then his face smoothed out and he walked from the room without looking back.

As soon as Spike was out the door everyone turned to the doorway of the little room where Buffy was still inside. As they watched Buffy pushed the blanket that acted as a door to one side and stepped out of the room to where they could see her. Buffy's eyes were red and puffy from a lot of crying, but she wasn't crying now. Instead her eyes were open round and she seemed to have a faraway empty look.

Dawn was across the room in seconds and was standing in front of Buffy looking at her with deep concern. "Buffy, are you okay?" Dawn asked with a voice stressed with fear.

Buffy slowly turned her eyes to Dawn and with the emptiness in them seeming to grow, she barely whispered. "He thinks I only loved his soul Dawnie. He thinks I can't love him because he doesn't have it anymore." Tears started running down her face as her emotions finally broke through the shock she was in.

Dawn stepped up and wrapped her arms around Buffy and while holding her tight she spoke quietly, but forcefully into her ear. "You'll just have to find a way to convince him Buffy. I know he loves you, he just doesn't know how to make himself believe that you feel the same way. He's been telling himself that you couldn't love him for so long he can't believe that you do."

In a weak whisper that Dawn could barely hear, Buffy mumbled over and over, "find a way, find a way, find a way ……"

(01/05)

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	33. Reunions 33

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Reunions / Part 33

Buffy looked at Spikes face, his eyes were closed. She had hoped that when she told him she loved him, that it would make him happy, or at least make him smile. But all she saw was the pain that was clearly written across his face. She knew she was responsible for that pain. Both the pain of that year and the pain of just having to relive it, just so Buffy could tell him her side of their story. Seeing his pain she felt her courage slipping away. She had just told him that she didn't ever want to hurt him again, and here she was doing it. But she had just told him that she loved him and he still didn't believe it. She had to continue, she had to convince him that she'd meant what she'd said, that she loved him.

Spikes arms were limp, no longer wrapped around Buffy. Half laying next to him, half draped across him, left arm bent, elbow on the bed propping her up, her left hand resting on his lower ribs, right arm resting lightly across his stomach with her right hand on his left breast, she bent her head and kissed him over his heart. She could feel the dampness on her lips from her previous tears, both of their tears. Raising her head so that she could see his face again, she started talking once more.

"When you came back to Sunnydale, when I found you in the school basement, it surprised me. Dawn was in trouble and I was looking for her, and I found you instead. At first, the shock of seeing you, I didn't know what to say. Then when you started talking, you were out of your head, it scared me. I didn't know what to do, all my defenses jumped out in front of me. The last time we'd seen each other was ……. was before you left. I had to go, to find Dawn. I had to leave you, I didn't know what else to do. ….. Then you showed up at my house the next week, acting all normal, sorta anyway, and I didn't know what to make of you. There you were acting like nothing had happened, like you were just stopping by to offer a helping hand. I got angry. I mean, no sorry's or forgive me's, no nothings. You just tell me you've changed and I don't know what to make of you. …… When you got into the fight with Anya, and the things you said, I thought you'd been playing with me."

Buffy had been speaking in a calm quiet voice with just a touch of irritation at the end, but as she continued a note of awe slipped into her voice. "But, at the church, when you told me you'd got a soul. God Spike, I didn't know what to think. You tell me you got it for me, your acting all crazy, and then you just draped yourself across that cross. You were burning yourself up, asking me if you could rest now. I ……. I think you would have let yourself die on that cross if I hadn't pulled you off of it. But I didn't know what to do next. I didn't know how to deal with crazy you. I didn't know how to deal with normal you. But soulful you, scared me senseless. You telling me you got your soul for me. Spike, what you said, it scared me."

Buffy had been watching Spikes face the entire time she had been talking. Some of the pain seemed to have left his face, his brow had smoothed out a bit, but he still hadn't opened his eyes. Taking a breath she started talking again. "I'm sorry I left you in the church. I should have taken you somewhere, back to the school I guess. But, being in the basement of the school, right on top of the Hellmouth didn't seem like such a good place. I didn't know what to do, so I left you there. I did come back the next day, to see if you were alright, but you were gone by then. I went back to the school to look for you, but when I found you, you were talking to a wall. I don't think you even knew I was there. The next time I came down to see you, you were in even worse shape. When I tried to talk to you it seemed to make things worse. When you asked me to stay with you, to help you be quiet, I couldn't do it. Seeing you like that hurt me, and it seemed that my being there was hurting you too. Every day I thought about you down there, worried about you, but I still didn't know what to do. You hadn't acted normal since the night you came to the house. Every time I saw you, you were acting crazier. You needed to get out of that basement. It hadn't even occurred to me that you didn't have anywhere else to go. Once you told me, that's when I took you to Xanders. I thought about taking you to my place, I really did, but I was still afraid. I was afraid because you were all crazy. But I was also afraid that if I took you there you'd think it meant more than I wanted it to mean. Because I didn't want it to mean anything. I mean, I don't know what I mean. But I was afraid that if I let it mean anything, more than just wanting to help you, that I would hurt you again. I was really afraid of that Spike, that I was going to hurt you again."

As Buffy lay there talking to Spike she studied his face. Eight years had gone by since the last time she had been this close to him. More than nine years since she'd had the chance to really look at him like this. She remembered one night in his crypt, when they had fallen asleep after sex, how she had woke up before him and had studied his face. She remembered thinking then, as she was thinking now, how beautiful he was when he slept, how innocent he looked, almost like an angel.

Still wishing he would open his eyes, still wishing he would wrap his arms around her again, Buffy started her story again. "Taking you to Xanders seemed like a good idea, you seemed to be getting better. Whenever I asked Xander about you, he said you were doing fine. But when I was told you were biting people again, that you were turning them, I panicked. I rushed over to Xanders and he told me you were out, that you went out every night. I didn't want to believe it, that you were killing again. With the chip, I didn't know how you could hurt anyone. But what if it wasn't working? What if you didn't really have a soul. I mean you'd told me you had a soul, but how was I suppose to know if you really did have one. When I confronted you on it, when I told you that I'd followed you and saw you with a girl, you told me it was crazy. That there was no way that you could be killing people, that you would know if you were drinking human blood. I wanted to believe you Spike, I really did want to believe you. Because if you were killing people again, that meant that I would have to stop you, that I would have to ki ……… stop you, and I didn't want to have to do that Spike."

"But I had to find out the truth, so I was checking up on you. Willow did a computer search and found out that a bunch of people were missing. A guy at a club told me that he knew you, that you came in all the time, and left with a different woman every night. That's when you called me and told me where to meet you, that you thought that maybe you had been doing something, but couldn't remember. When we went down into that basement I was afraid of what I'd fine, but I wanted to believe you. When those vampires came out of the ground and you turned on me, I don't think I was ever more afraid than at that moment. I knew you were going to kill me and there wasn't anyway I could stop you. But you didn't. I saw you change right in front of me, I saw you stop yourself from hurting me. That gave me the chance to kill the other vampires, and when I turned to you, you expected me to kill you. You wanted me to kill you. But I'd seen it Spike, I saw your soul in your eyes when you stopped yourself from hurting me. I saw the pain you felt when you realized what you had done. Even back at the house, after you had attacked Andrew. You wanted me to kill you then too, but I could see your remorse. You were being controlled, what you were doing wasn't your fault, but you still felt the pain for what you'd done. I saw your soul Spike, I believed in you."

When Buffy spoke these last words Spikes eyes opened. He looked up at her, his eyes, they seemed filled with pain. He raised both of his hands to her shoulders and gently pushed her up from him so that he could move himself out from beneath her. Once he was clear of her he let her go and rolled away from her and rose to his feet. Buffy had to scramble around and was now kneeling in the middle of his bed while Spike backed up from her until his back touched the wall behind him. He could see the look of surprise on her face and the look of hurt in her eyes. "I can't listen to this again, I'm sorry" Spike gasped out in a barely heard whisper.

The shock Buffy felt when Spike got up and moved away from her was only magnified by his words. Her voice shaking with confusion and pain, she said "Spike, I don't understand? What did I say?"

Spikes face reflected the pain he was feeling, when he started speaking the bitter taste of gall was on his lips. "So, you could see my soul could you. I didn't hurt you, so it must have been my soul that made me stop, was it? God Slayer, you're as blind now as you were then. You always thought everything was because of my soul. You've never once thought it could have just been me, did you? When I stopped myself from hurting you in that basement, it had to be my soul didn't it? It couldn't have been me that stopped me, could it?" Spike continued, his voice edged with the bitter pain. "You said you saw the pain in my eyes when I realized what I had done, that you saw my remorse? It doesn't take a soul to feel pain or remorse. It doesn't even take a soul to feel guilt or shame."

Buffy was shocked by what Spike had just said to her. She didn't understand, her mind was spinning, all confused. Then she remembered something. "Spike please" she said quickly, her voice was shaking, "I don't understand. You said something like that when you were talking to Dawn and I didn't understand it then either. Please Spike, tell me what you mean. Make me understand. Please!" By the time she got the words out tears were already running down her face.

Spike looked down at Buffy and he could see the hurt and confusion in her eyes. God, seeing her in pain like this tore his heart to shreds. He let himself drop down to his knees, but kept the distance between them. Thinking about what he needed to say made him feel sick. In a voice thick with emotion he started talking, "You never understood Buffy, ever. For you everything was black or white. Vampire with a soul was good. Vampire without a soul was an evil monster. How many times did you say that to me. That I was a soulless monster, that I couldn't feel, that I couldn't love. I know it's because of Angel you think that way, but I'm not like Angel, I never was. You think that because I didn't have a soul I couldn't feel real feelings, that I couldn't feel real love. You told me that over and over again. You beat me into the ground telling me that, but you were wrong."

Buffy was on her knees in the middle of the bed, her hands were clutched together at her mouth, tears were running from her eyes. Spike wanted to reach out and wipe them away, to wipe the pain away, instead he rested his hands on his thighs as he bent his head. Still looking down at the floor he started speaking again. "That night I came to you, …… before I left. You know I didn't go there wanting to hurt you. I wanted to tell you that I was sorry, for hurting you. I tried to tell you, but you refused to listen. I was desperate. I was crazy. I …….. It doesn't matter what I was. ……… I hurt you. I tried to ra……." Spikes voice broke and he had to pause for several moments as he sucked in deep breaths of air.

"Am I sorry that I went there that night? A thousand times a thousand times I've wished that night had never happened. But all the wishes in the world can't change what happened that night. You said you saw my remorse in my eyes, down in the basement of that house when I realized that I'd been killing people again. Do you remember what was in my eyes that night when I realized what I had just tried to do to you? Or were you so full of hate that you couldn't see anything but a monster in front of you? You think I wasn't filled with remorse and guilt that night? You think I went to the other side of the world to get a soul for the bloody hell of it? I fought and nearly died to get a soul, just so that I could crawl back to you and tell you that I was sorry. I knew that the only way you would ever believe me, would even listen to me, was if I had a soul. But you know what? After I got myself a soul I realized that all the sorry's in the world wouldn't change what had happened. That no matter what, I'd hurt you and nothing could ever make that right again."

Lifting his head Spike looked at Buffy. The pain that had brought tears to her eyes was gone now, replaced by a look of confusion. "That's right Slayer, the soulless monster Spike, who couldn't feel real feelings, was so eaten up with guilt and remorse he went out and got himself a soul."

"But, but I did see it Spike" Buffy stammered out. "I did see it, down in that basement I saw you stop yourself from killing me. I saw the pain and remorse on your face and in your eyes when you realized what you'd done. I saw your soul."

"Yeah, maybe you did Slayer" Spike replied as he stared at her. "Maybe you did see my soul, I don't know. But that doesn't mean it was my soul that stopped me from hurting you. The bloody things not like an off/on switch, you don't flip it and everything changes. What made me stop was me, not the soul. That thing the First was doing to me, it was shutting off my brain so that I couldn't think. It was shutting off everything about me that makes me who I am, all that was left was the demon inside me. But when I smelled your blood, when I tasted it, it was me that ripped itself free. It was me that came back and stopped me from hurting you. The soul was just along for the ride."

"But, Angel" Buffy stammered.

"I'm not Angel, Slayer. I never was like him." Spike said angrily. "Angels soul was a curse. It tormented him day and night. Every wicked deed he'd ever done was dragged up before his eyes and he had to relive it and the pain of his victims. The only relief he got was when he was trying to be a good boy and make amends. When he lost his soul, the torment went away and the demon came back out to play. When he got his soul back he had to be a good boy again. But that's not how it worked with me. I knew there wasn't anyway to make up for what I'd done. You can't say your sorry and make over a hundred years of bloody slaughter go away. All the remorse in the world doesn't change a damned thing. Yes, I was sorry! Yes, I felt remorse and guilt and shame! But that didn't change what had happened. My soul wasn't trying to punish me, it was trying to help me. It let me see things clearer, it was like a, a teaching aid. But it didn't control me. It didn't stop me from doing bad or make me do good. That was me, making choices. Yeah, I admit that having a soul made it easier. But only because it made it easier to see the difference between the good and the bad. But it didn't make the choices for me, I had to do that myself."

Buffys hands had dropped limply to her lap, her eyes were scrunched up as if she were trying to force them to see something at a distance, her brow was furrowed in concentration. "But ….. if what ….. why didn't you ever tell me …… any of this?" She asked in a hushed voice.

"What was I suppose to tell you? That my soul didn't make a puppet out of me. That I had free choice. Bloody hell Slayer, I was bonkers half the time. I couldn't tell the difference between my soul and what the First was doing to me most of the time. Even I didn't understand, how was I suppose to explain it to you? The soul made me feel guilt, sorrow and remorse, then I had to deal with it. The First took those same feelings and twisted them all around inside my head. I was seeing bloody apparitions all the time. They were talking to me, beating me down, driving me round the bend. Time was all wonky on me, I don't even know how I got from Africa back to Sunnydale. I don't know if I was down in that basement a week or a month before you found me. When I stopped myself from hurting you, I didn't know it was me stopping me. When you told me you saw my soul, that it must have been my soul that stopped me from hurting you, I didn't know the difference. But I found out the truth of it when the First took me off to that hell pit and was torturing me. Because ya see, the First didn't drag up all the people I'd murdered to torment me with, it made itself look like me, and Drusilla, and when it really wanted to torture me it looked like you."

"The First had one of those Turok-Han pound on me for all the physical pain, but it was seeing you, telling me that I was worthless and that you would never forgive me, that you would always hate me, that you would never come for me, that was the real torture. Do you know why it was torture? Because the soul in me wanted to believe what the First was saying, that you did hate me and that you wouldn't come for me, that you would never forgive me. But the me inside of me wouldn't let go of the hope. It refused to let me give up. You'd told me that you believed in me. I refused to betray your trust. I refused to give up hope. I, me, myself, not the bloody soul."

Buffy knelt there on the bed, she still felt confused by what Spike had just told her. But she knew that he believed what he had just told her, she just didn't understand how it could be true. She had seen the disbelief in his eyes when she had rescued him, as if he were afraid she wasn't real, that it was another trick of the First. When he had realized that she was real and had come for him, she saw his emotions clearly on his face, she'd thought it was his soul shining out for her to see. She had seen the pain he had felt whenever he was reminded in some way of his past and the things he had done. She remembered how gentle, almost fragile, he was at times. How sometimes if she just touched him, or got to close to him, he would move away from her as if her touch or nearness hurt him. She remembered how he was there, for her, when everyone else turn away from her. She remembered clearly how she had learned to trust him again, and to love him in a way she had never thought possible to love anyone.

"Spike, I hear what your telling me" Buffy said, her voice shaking with emotion. "I just don't understand it. If it wasn't your soul that I saw in you? If it wasn't your soul that made you change and become a good man? What was it?"

"Five minutes in hell, Buffy" Spike said, his voice a raspy whisper she could barely hear. Spike cleared his throat and turning his face away spoke louder, his voice still choked with emotion. "Five minutes in hell is what changed me. Reliving the last five minutes I spent with you, over and over and over. Reliving inside my head every second of how I hurt you. How I tried to prove that I ….. loved you." Spike seemed to choke on the words as he spoke them. "Seeing the 'hate' and the 'fear' in your eyes. Knowing that I could never make amends for what I tried to do. Hating myself, wanting to die, knowing that dying was to easy a punishment. Thinking that if I had a soul it could punish me for eternity. Going through the pain and torture of the trials to get a soul, because the physical pain was 'nothing' compared to what I felt inside. Beating the demon inside me down, making it howl it's pain and quake in fear. Letting the small piece of human still inside me come to the surface and grow. Five minutes of hell, that's what made me change."

When Spike heard Buffy sobbing he looked over at her and saw that she was bent over with her arms wrapped tightly around herself. Her head was bent and tears were running down her face and dripping onto the bed. He heard her whispering to herself between sobs as she cried. "I'm so ….. sorry ……. I'm …. sorry ….. sorry….."

Spike moved over to her quickly on his knees and pulled her up to take her into his arms. He held her to him tightly with one arm while he gently held her head against his shoulder. He cradled the back of her head, stroking his finger through her hair. He made little sounds that weren't even words to try to sooth her. Buffy's face was turned into his neck and he could feel her hot tears running off her cheek onto his neck, burning their way straight to his heart. His own voice so thick with emotion he could barely speak he told her "Please …. please don't be sorry. Please Buffy …… don't be sorry for something I did. I hurt you. It was my fault. I'm the one who's to blame. I'm the one who's sorry. But it's not enough to be sorry. I don't blame you for hating me. Please Buffy ….. don't blame yourself for this too."

Buffy had let go of holding herself and had let her arms slip around Spikes waist as he held her. When she heard him say 'that he didn't blame her for hating him' she took control of herself and forced herself to stop crying. She started leaning back from him and Spike thinking she wanted to move away from him let his arms drop away from her. But Buffy kept her arms wrapped around him and only leaned back far enough so that she could see his face. Her voice was thick with emotion when she told him. "Spike, I don't blame you for anything, I don't hate you for anything. I love you!"

Buffy was looking up at Spikes face as she held on to him. When she said the words 'I love you' she saw him squeeze his eyes shut tight as tears started to run from them, as if he were trying to hold them inside. When he shook his head and said "No, you don't", it took the breath right out of her. Her arms dropped limply to her side and she fell back to sitting on her heels. "Why do you ……. keep saying that?" Buffy asked as she panted for air. "Why won't ……. you believe me?" When Spike didn't respond, she asked, "Is it because of Angel? I heard you tell Dawn that I couldn't love you because I still love Angel. But that's not true! I do love Angel, but it's the same way I love Giles or Xander or Willow. He's in my heart Spike. I'll always love him, but not the way I love you. I don't love anyone else the way I love you!"

When Spike didn't open his eyes or respond in anyway, Buffy wasn't sure what to say next, but she knew she had to keep talking. "Maybe your right. Maybe I didn't see your soul. Maybe I just thought I did, because I know I saw something. Maybe it was just the real you and I was just seeing it for the first time. I don't know. But does it really matter? I know that when I got you back from the First my heart almost broke when I saw how badly you'd been hurt. I know that as soon as you were able to stand up, you were there for me. I know that without your help I couldn't have trained the potentials. I know that when I had a choice of having the chip taken out of your head or replaced, I knew what I did was right. Because I trusted you Spike. I knew you could be a good man!"

"When Giles found out about the chip, he wanted me to send you away, make you leave. I couldn't do that Spike. I needed you with me, I needed your strength. When I rushed to Robins place when he tried to kill you, I didn't go there to save him from you, I went there to save you from him. You know that when things get bad I try to push people away, try to seal myself off from everyone, so that I can do what I have to do, no matter what. Giles kept telling me that I needed to be strong, I needed to be able to make the hard decisions, that I couldn't let my emotions get in the way of what had to be done. He wanted me to make you go away. He said you were a liability, a danger to me and everyone else. But I knew that wasn't true Spike. You were the strongest warrior I had, I needed you for the fight that I knew was coming. But more than that, I needed you for the strength you gave to me, just by being there."

"When Caleb came to town and I led the girls to that vineyard. I didn't know what we were walking into, but I knew it was the right thing to do. But Caleb was so much stronger than I thought possible. He was stronger than the ubervamps. He took me out with one punch, and the rest of us, we were nothing to him. He killed those two girls for fun, and Xander, what he did to Xander. But you saved him Spike. It was you who saved Xander, and the rest of us too."

When Buffy stopped speaking, Spike could hear her trying to draw breath into her lungs. He opened his eyes and could see that she had her arms wrapped around herself tightly again. Her eyes were closed, but tears ran from them in a constant stream down her face. When she started speaking again he could hear the pain she was feeling, but also the fear that had risen to the surface of her thoughts. Her voice was raspy and tear choked.

"Caleb was so strong, it was like fighting Glory again. I was blaming myself for what had happened to the girls and to Xander. I walked the streets all night thinking about facing him again. I was afraid of him Spike! I was terrified of him! He came after me again, that next day at the school, and he took me out with one hit, again. When I woke up it was hours later and I couldn't figure out why I was still alive. He'd had me helpless, unconscious, why didn't he kill me? When I got back to the house, I found out that Giles had sent you away, on a mission." Buffy made a choking sound, then opened her eyes to look at Spike kneeling in front of her. "I asked him why he'd sent the one person that I trusted to guard my back away? I got my answer later that night."

"I couldn't get it out of my head, why was I still alive? Caleb had made a big thing about the school and the seal, how important they were, before he knocked me out. It came to me that the reason I was still alive was because Caleb wanted us to waste our time guarding the school and the seal, but they weren't really important. Somehow I knew that it was the vineyard that was important. That whatever Caleb and the First were trying to hide from us was there. When I told everyone what I had figured out, that we were going to have to go back to the vineyard again, they refused. I could understand that they were afraid, I was afraid too. But it wasn't just fear that made them refuse, they didn't trust me anymore. All those girls and Robin, they didn't know me, I could understand them having doubts. Even Faith, I could understand. But when Willow, Giles and Xander turned on me I couldn't believe it. I told them that I couldn't stay there and let them throw everything away. That's when Dawn told me that I had to leave." Buffy bent over holding herself, trying to draw air into her lungs to breath. "Dawn didn't trust me anymore Spike. She told me that she loved me, but I had to leave."

Spike couldn't stand to see Buffy doing this to herself anymore. He moved over to her and pulled her up into his arms again. Holding her tightly against himself, he spoke gruffly into her ear. "Stop this Buffy! Stop doing this to yourself! It's over, it's done, it's in the past, you don't have to relive it again!"

Buffy pushed herself back from Spike, but had both of her fist gripped in his t-shirt. She looked up into his face, tears still running down her face. "Yes I do! I have to tell you everything! I have to make you understand!" Buffy leaned into Spike again with her forehead pressed against his chest. She held like that for over a minute, taking in deep breaths until she had herself under control. When she leaned back again, her face was still wet, but she had stopped crying. When she started speaking, her voice was still full of emotion, but it was stronger, more under control.

"When you found me the next night, I'd been laying in that bed all day. I'd been thinking about what had happened, about my friends, about Dawn, about them not trusting me anymore. I was blaming myself of course, just like I always do. By the time you found me I'd given up. I had myself convinced that they were right and I was wrong. That I couldn't be trusted anymore. But you found me and you told me that I was right, that whatever the First was trying to hide from us was at the vineyard. I didn't really think that it mattered if I was right or not at that point. But then you told me that you still trusted me, that you still believed in me. Spike, I can't even put into words how much that meant to me, that you still believed in me. When you held me that night, for the first time that I could ever remember, I felt safe. You gave me your strength that night. You gave me back my courage to go on. It was you believing in me that made it possible for me to face Caleb and take the scythe away from him and the First."

Buffy took a deep breath and held it for long seconds before letting it out slowly. She continued to stare into Spikes eyes as she built up the courage to continue. "You know I'm the worst person in the world when it comes to dealing with my own feelings. I don't know how to let them out, to share them with someone else. When we met up again that next evening I was all tied up inside. I wanted thank you, to tell you how grateful I was for what you had done for me, given to me. But I couldn't get the words out. I almost let you walk out the door without telling you. But I couldn't let it end like that. I told you that it was the strength you gave me that made it possible for me to go on. I didn't know how you felt about the night before and I didn't know how to tell you how I felt. When you told me that it terrified you, that it was the best night of your life, I didn't know what to say. I tried to tell you that it was just as important to me, but I didn't have the words. When you asked me if I had been there with you, I told you that I was. But then you asked me what that meant and I didn't have the words again." A tear ran down Buffys face as she looked into Spikes eyes. "Spike, I swear to you that I wasn't flipping off what you had said to me. I remember what you told Dawn, how much it hurt you that I had just flipped you off. But I swear that isn't what I intended to do. I just didn't know how to say what it meant to me. But I swear Spike, that as important as that night was to you, it was just as important to me."

Spike had been watching and listening to Buffy closely as she told him what she had thought and felt that night. He had been kneeling in front of her with his hands at each of her shoulders. When the single tear ran down from her eye, he gently brought his hand to her face and wiped the tear away with his thumb as he cupped the side of her face in his hand. A small tentative smile came to his lips.

"Later that night" Buffy continued, "after Caleb killed the Guardian and Angel stepped in and stopped him from killing me." Spike started to move his hand away from Buffys face, but her hand came up quickly, catching his hand and holding it in place. "I kissed Angel. I know you saw me kiss him and I know you told Dawn that it was at that moment that you knew that I would never love you because I still loved Angel. But that isn't what happened, not for me. I don't know how to explain this, ….. but it was sort'a like in a fairy tale. The hero saves the girl and she kisses him, but it wasn't really like that either. I'd been so scared for so long and having Angel pop out of no where, it was like being flooded with all these old feelings all at once and I just kissed him." Buffy paused and looked directly into Spikes eyes. "Please believe me Spike, it wasn't what you thought. When I kissed Angel I don't know what I thought I was going to feel, but what I felt wasn't what you think. It was almost like when I'd kissed him when I met him after coming back to life. I didn't really feel anything. I was happy to see him. I was grateful to him for having just stopped Caleb from killing me. I felt love for him, but it wasn't 'I love you' love. It was more like 'Xander' love. Then Caleb jumped up and knocked Angel out and I had to kill him again, and I never really got the chance to think about it."

"Then Angel gave me the amulet and told me that it had to be worn by someone with a soul that was stronger than human, a champion. He told me that I couldn't wear it and that he was there to wear it and be at my side. But I told him no, that he had to leave, in case I didn't win he'd have to be there to form a second front against the First. That's when he asked me about you. He could smell you on me. I told him that you had a soul now and you were different. He asked if I was in love with you? I don't know why I couldn't tell him the truth, maybe because I didn't want to hurt him. Instead, I just told him you were in my heart. He got all jealous ex-boyfriend on me and I made some stupid excuses and told him that I wasn't ready to love anyone. I should have just left it at that, but I told him that maybe someday I would be ready." Buffy saw in Spikes eyes that her last sentence had hurt him. "Spike, I'm sorry, I didn't say that to hurt you. I just didn't want to hurt Angel either."

Buffy and Spike were both kneeling in the middle of his bed, their bodies not quite touching. He had one hand on her arm at the shoulder and the other cupping her face. Buffy had one hand fisted in his t-shirt and the other holding the hand at her face in place. She stared up into his face and tried to read his emotions in his eyes. She wanted desperately to lean into him and kiss him, but was afraid that he wouldn't let her. Spikes lips were pressed together, not in a smile, not in a frown, not in anyway inviting. His eyes were half closed and seemed to be focused on her hairline instead of her eyes. A sigh of breath slipped out as Buffy dropped her eyes from Spikes face to his chest. In a voice barely above a whisper, Buffy almost begged "Please hold me." Spike went rigid for several seconds and when he started to pull his hand away from her face Buffy let her hand drop away as she felt his rejection. But instead of rejecting her he wrapped both arms around her and pulled her in tight against himself. A shudder of relief ran through Buffys entire body as she wrapped both of her arms around his waist and held on to Spike tightly. She'd turned her head as Spike pulled her close so that her head rested against his shoulder and her lips were but an inch from his neck. She knew that every time she breathed out Spike could feel the warmth of her breath. For several minutes she just held on to Spike, searching for that feeling of being 'safe' in his arms. Spike had bent his head slightly so that his cheek was against her forehead. When she was ready she started talking again.

"When I got home, after telling everyone that Caleb was dead, I came downstairs to you. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to tell you about the amulet. But you already knew about it because you'd seen me kissing Angel and heard him talk about it. But I didn't know if you'd heard everything, about it being dangerous and needing to be worn by a champion. When I told you that part, I saw it in your eyes and the way you acted that you didn't think you could wear it then. But I knew you could Spike. I knew you could wear it, because I already knew that you were my Champion. When we went to bed together that night, it was like the night before. You holding me in your arms, giving me your strength and making me feel safe. But something happened that night that you don't know about. The Powers That Be made a little visit that night. Not in person or anything, but they gave me a dream, or maybe it would be better if I called it a memory. Remember when I told you about the time I went to see Angel and that I only stayed a short time, but I felt like something was missing? Well I found out what was missing that night. Angel had a fight with some kind of demon and got it's blood on him, and the blood did something to Angel, it made him human."

When Buffy said this she felt Spikes whole body react to her statement. He went rigid, he stopped breathing and a quiver seemed to travel down his arms as he held her. Buffy waited for a moment to see if Spike was going to say anything. When he didn't, she continued. "What I'm going to tell you next isn't intended to hurt you Spike. But I need to tell you everything so that you'll understand how important it was to me. When Angel found out that he was human he went to the Oracles to find out if it was permanent and they told him it was and that he was no longer one of the warriors for good." Buffy paused and took a deep breath, a shudder passed through her body. "I can't do this Spike. I can't tell you everything that happened because it hurts to much and telling you will only hurt you too. All that's really important is that Angel ended up going back to the Oracles and told them that he wanted to be turned back into a vampire again. He convinced them to do what he asked, but the only way to do it was to turn time back for twenty-four hours. To make everything that happened between us never happen. He didn't ask me Spike, he just went ahead and did it. He made a decision that affected both of us because he thought he was right. I don't know why the Powers gave me back that memory Spike, or why they gave it back to me that night. But it made me realize something that I think I'd known for a long time but had never admitted to myself before. All those years after Angel left me I'd always carried this guilt around that it was my fault that we couldn't be together. But it wasn't my fault Spike, it was Angels. He made the decision to leave me, I didn't leave him. He made the decision to turn back time and prevent himself from becoming human. He made the decision to take away from me the one thing he said that he wanted for me, a normal relationship with a normal guy, as long as he wasn't the normal guy. Every step along the way of our relationship over the years Angel has made decisions that affected my life and he's always left me out of the decision making because he always thought that he was right. Every step along the way he treated me like a child and like my thoughts and feeling weren't important. That's when I realized that I didn't love him anymore, that I hadn't loved him for a long time, not the way I once did. That's when I realized that I was truly free to love someone else. That's what was going through my mind when I woke up in your arms. I was still trying to sort it all out when the First made it's visit and it came to me how we could defeat it."

Buffy paused again to see if Spike was going to say anything to her, but he remained silent. He continued to hold her tightly in his arms, and he had started breathing again, but there was no reaction to what she had just told him. With a sense of dread building up inside of her, Buffy continued talking. "The rest of the day we were all busy. I had to explain my idea to everyone to see if they would agree to try it. Then I had to talk to all the girls to give them a choice of trying it with me. But every moment that wasn't filled with getting ready to fight the First that day was filled with me thinking about what could happen when we went down into the Hellmouth. I kept thinking about what would happen to all of us if Willow couldn't make the spell work to share the powers of the Slayer with all the potentials and make them Slayers too. Because I knew that if she couldn't do it we were all going to die. I thought about the amulet a lot that day too. All I really knew about it was that it was dangerous. Angel had said that it could make whoever wore it stronger, but I didn't know what that meant. I kept thinking about you wearing it and it made me afraid. I kept worrying about what it might do to you. I kept thinking that maybe I shouldn't let you wear it. That I shouldn't let you risk yourself. But then I kept thinking the amulet might make the difference in whether or not we won the battle or not and I couldn't take the chance of not using it. I spent that whole day getting ready to fight the First's demon army and worrying about what might happen. But that night when I came back down to the basement to be with you, I stopped worrying. When I laid down on that bed with you, I felt safe again."

Buffy loosened her hold on Spike and leaned back just enough so that she could see Spikes face while she continued to talk to him. "While I laid there in your arms feeling safe it came to me, the full realization, how much I loved you. I also realized how much your loving me meant to me. When I turned in your arms and kissed you, it was like it was the first time I'd ever kissed you. When I kissed you, every time I kissed you, I could feel my love for you growing stronger and stronger. I could feel the happiness inside my heart growing and growing. When we made love, it was for the first time. It wasn't like the times we had just had sex together, it was so much more than that to me. That's when it hit me, that what I was feeling for you was the same way I had felt for you that time Willow had used that love spell on us. That's when I finally understood, that was what real love felt like."

Buffy tightened her hold on Spike and her words became more forceful. "That's when I became afraid. I know what you told Dawn, that I didn't say anything to you, not even your name. That when you saw the pain in my eyes that it was then that you thought that I was just letting you love me one more time because I knew you were going to die. But that isn't true Spike. Yes, I was afraid that something might happen to you. But I was afraid for all of us. I knew that we had a desperate battle ahead of us and that none of us might survive it. But I also knew that we had to do it, because fighting the First the way we were going to try, it was the only chance we had of winning. It wasn't pain you saw in my eyes, it was fear. That's why I didn't say anything to you. That's why I couldn't even say your name. I was afraid Spike. I was terrified that if I told you what I was feeling, if I admitted it out loud, I wouldn't be able to do it. That I wouldn't be able to face the First and risk losing you. So I closed my eyes and held on to you and kept my love for you, and my fear, to myself."

Tears were standing in Buffys eyes, she blinked them rapidly to clear them. She looked directly into Spikes eyes as he looked down into hers. "When the amulet started working, you called for me. I rushed over and saw you standing in a pillar of light. Beams of light were shooting out of the amulet and they were destroying all the Turok-Han. I knew that the amulet was killing you. You were glowing all over. I knew that the light coming out of the amulet wasn't from the sun, it was coming from you, it was your soul. I wanted you to pull it off, to stop what it was doing. But you knew it was to late for that, and so did I. I knew that you were going to die. That's when I knew that I wanted to die with you. I didn't want to go on living without you Spike. I took your hand, because if we were going to die I wanted us to be together. That's when I finally had the courage to tell you what I truly felt. That's when I told you that 'I loved you'. But you didn't believe me Spike. You pulled your hand out of mine and told me to go. I didn't want to go Spike, I didn't. But when you told me to go, I just did it. I started running and I heard you laughing behind me. I don't know how I did it, but the next thing I knew I was jumping off a building and landing on top of the school bus as it raced out of town. When we got out of town the bus stopped and when we all looked back there wasn't anything left. The whole town and the Hellmouth were gone. It was you Spike, you were the one who did it, you saved the world. I was so proud of you Spike, I couldn't stop from smiling. But that's when it hit me, that you were gone, that I would never see you again."

Buffy brought her hands to her face and wiped at the tears, smearing them across her face. She then pressed her hands against Spikes chest, one over his heart. "But I did mean it Spike. When I told you that I loved you, I meant it. I still love you!"

Spike took both of Buffys hands into his and lifting them from his chest raised them to his lips and kissed the backs of her curled fingers. Then looking into her eyes, he told her quietly as he released her hands. "No, you don't, Slayer."

Spikes words were like a punch in the stomach and Buffy flinched back from him so hard that she fell backward onto her heels. Spike stood up quickly and stepped around her. Buffy clumsily turned herself around trying to see where Spike was going. When she got herself turned around she saw that he was bending over the pile of his personal belongings. When he stood back up he had something in his hand that he hid behind his leg.. The shock of his words had stunned her speechless, her eyes were wide open as she looked up at him, she couldn't even cry.

"I'm not calling you a liar Slayer" Spike said in a flat distant voice. "You probably did have some feelings for me, maybe, a little. But it wasn't 'me' that you loved. It was my bright shiny 'soul', wasn't it? But there's something you don't know Slayer" Spikes voice was becoming harsher as he spoke. "That little trinket that Angel gave you did more that just bring down the Hellmouth. It made me what I am today." As he said these last words Spike brought his hand out from behind his leg and flipped a wooden stake toward Buffy. In a reflex action her hand snapped up and caught it. Spike let his face morph into vampire mode as he said, "Just another soulless monster for the Slayer to kill." Buffy reacted without thinking as she raised the stake for a quick strike. Spike took a step back to put himself out of range. He then let his face change back to human as he looked down at Buffy and a grim smile touched his lips. He then turned away from her and pulling the blanket covering the doorway to one side walked out of the little room.

Buffy sat there paralyzed for several long moments until she realized that Spike was gone and she was still holding the wooden stake in her hand as if she were ready to strike with it. She dropped the stake onto the bed and after slowly rising to her feet she walked out of the room. As soon as she came out of the doorway she could see that Spike was gone. Her next conscious awareness had Dawn standing in front of her. She mumbled out in a whisper, "He thinks I only loved his soul Dawnie. He thinks I can't love him because he doesn't have it anymore." Dawn had her arms around her and was saying something to her as the shock finally released it's hold on her and she started crying. The only thing she was consciously aware of were the words 'find a way'. She started mumbling these words over and over to herself, "find a way, find a way, find a way……"

(02/05)

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	34. Reunions 34

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Reunions / Part 34

Spike sat on the floor next to the opened door leading out to a flat area that had been the parking lot for trucks and trailers that had belonged to the company that once owned the warehouse. He was sitting tailor fashion with his arms resting on his knees as he leaned forward. Sunlight was coming through the doorway lighting up the room. There was barely six inches of shadow between him and the bright scorching light. He had a burning cigarette between his lips and a half dozen squashed butts were littering the floor well out into the sunlight. The back and fingers of his right hand were burned and blistered to such a degree that on a human they would have been diagnosed as third degree burns. On a vampire they indicated that he had come very close to bursting into flame.

He felt her coming even before he heard the click of her boot heels on the floor of the adjoining room. When he heard the crash of splintering wood he turned his head toward the entrance leading to that room. Moments later he saw her standing there with a large splinter of wood with a long sharp point. She stood there looking at him intensely as her fingers gripped the splinter tightly. Taking the cigarette from between his lips he moved his hand out into the sunlight and slowly squashed out the butt. The back of his hand and fingers erupted into blisters as smoke started to rise from them. He didn't flinch from the pain, or hurry, as he extinguished the cigarette. The whole time he was doing this he kept his eyes on her, watching for the hatred he expected to see.

When she started moving toward him he sat up straighter, but only to make it easier for her to stake him, not to stop her. When she was in front of him she dropped down to her knees so that she could look him directly in the eyes. "Move back asshole" Dawn said gruffly as she placed one hand on the floor for balance as she swung herself around so that she was sitting with her back against the door jam, which effectively blocked the sunlight and widened the distance between him and the burning sunlight that was coming through the doorway. Spike put his hands on the floor and scooted himself back about six or eight inches. He then placed his arms back on his knees with his hands in his lap and sat waiting. Dawn adjusted her position so that her hip and thigh were up against his folded legs. She didn't look at him for a full minute as she stared down at the stake she was still holding in her hands. When she did turn her head and glance at him she could see that he wasn't looking at her face, his eyes were focused on the stake in her hands.

"When they were handing out stupid, you got in line twice didn't you?" Dawn asked with an edge of scorn to her voice.

"What's that, Luv?" Spike asked in response, his voice low and distant, as if his mind and thoughts were so far away he was having difficulty focusing on what was happening in front of him. His eyes had never left the stake in her hands.

Realizing where Spikes thoughts were focused, Dawn lifted the stake from her lap. When his eyes followed the stake she raised it higher until it was next to her face. This forced Spikes eyes to follow the stake until he was looking into her eyes. When she flipped the stake over her shoulder and out through the doorway into the sunlight, she saw his eyes fill with pain. But it wasn't only pain that filled his eyes, there was also a look that could only be described as hopelessness. As if he had been hoping she would use the stake on him and now that the stake was gone there was no hope left.

"You're a dope, and a bonehead, and, and your probably being shirty, whatever that's suppose to mean." Dawn said quietly. The words seemed to register somewhere inside Spikes mind. He blinked his eyes several times as he looked at Dawns face, as if he were searching for something, but couldn't find what he was looking for.

"Did you really think that I came looking for you to kill you?" Dawn asked, her voice was still quiet, but there was a tone of hurt, and real concern in her voice.

In a voice that was raspy with suppressed emotions, Spike answered. "Don't know, Bit. Saw the stake, stopped thinking. Figured one of your lot would be after me soon enough. When I saw it was you, didn't want to think no more."

Hearing Spikes words brought a pain to the pit of Dawns stomach and a ache to her heart. The certainty of his thoughts, that one of her group of slayers and watchers would come after him to kill him, brought tears to her eyes. Like an epiphany it came to her, one of the reasons why he had never let them know that he was alive. He had always assumed, that as soon as any of them found out that he had lost his soul, they would want to kill him. In fact, she remembered Willow telling him that she had specifically come searching for him to find out if he was still alive and if he still had his soul. She'd told him that if he didn't have a soul she had planned to kill him before Buffy found out, even if she had to die herself. But when Willow had found out that he was fighting for good, that he wasn't evil, she had just assumed that he still had his soul.

When a tear broke lose and ran down her face, Dawn reached out and gripped one of Spikes hands in one of hers. When he flinched from her touch she looked down and saw that she was squeezing his right hand, the one that was all burned and blistered. Releasing his hand quickly she jerked her hand back. Without any conscious thought she reached back over her shoulder and grabbing a fist full of t-shirt she pulled it up and over her head. When her head was clear she finished pulling the t-shirt off. Reaching down to the top of her boot she pulled out a short razor sharp knife and using it she started cutting the bottom eight or nine inch's of the t-shirt off. Then using the knife again she started cutting this smaller portion of the t-shirt into strips. Once she had the strips cut she reached out and took his right arm at the wrist and pulled it out toward her. When it was where she wanted it she said gruffly, "Hold it there."

Spike looked at Dawn and at his burnt hand and started to pull his hand back to his lap. He started to say, "You don't have to …"

"Shut up" Dawn snapped at him as another tear ran down her face, "just do what I asked you to do." Dawn pulled his arm back where she wanted it and picking up the first strip of cloth she gently started wrapping it around his burnt fingers. The whole time she was wrapping his fingers and then his hand, she was mumbling to herself, "stupid vampire …. doesn't have enough brains to stay out of the sun ….. no wonder he's always getting into trouble …. head like a rock …. never thinks about anyone else …. doesn't care that hurting himself hurts me too …. doesn't care that I love him …. never cared about the soul anyway …. stupid vampire …."

Whether she was aware of it or not, even though she was mumbling at a near whisper, Spike was able to hear every word Dawn was saying. When he heard her say that she still loved him, even without his soul, he couldn't hold his emotions in any longer. When tears started to run down his face he bent his head so that Dawn couldn't see them.

Dawn finished wrapping Spikes hand as best she could, then picked her knife up again and cut both of the sleeves off of the t-shirt. One sleeve she slipped over the wrappings on Spikes hand, the second she cut into strips to tie the first in place. When she finished she gently brushed her finger tips over the bandaged hand, as if to sooth the hurt and draw off the pain. Still looking down at his hand, with tears in her eyes and her throat clogged with emotion, Dawn asked plaintively "Why did you do this to yourself?"

Spike didn't say anything for several moments, then clearing his throat first, he answered "It's okay Pet, doesn't really hurt."

"Don't lie to me Spike" Dawn said quietly, her voice still clogged with emotion. "I've seen burns like this before and I know that they hurt, a lot."

Spike sat for long seconds before he spoke again. When he did speak the pain that filled his voice wasn't because of his hand. "Can't stand the way I feel, inside. Tried to block it out, move it outside."

"Did it work?" Dawn asked as she finally raised her eyes from his hand to look at his face. But because of his bent head she couldn't see his face clearly.

"A few seconds, maybe" Spike replied as he raised his head to look Dawn in the eyes. "Hurt worse seeing you standing there with that stake. Thinking you're the one that's going to do it, that hurt more than the hand."

Dawns hands flew to her mouth as a gasp of pain escaped her throat. Fresh tears came to her eyes immediately. As one tear ran down her face, followed by another and another, a look of shocked horror spread over her face as she watched tears spill from Spikes pain filled eyes. "Oh God, Spike" Dawn gasped out, "I'm so sorry. I'd rather die than hurt you, don't you know that?" Just thinking of the pain she must have caused him when he saw her standing in the doorway with a stake in her hand made Dawns stomach turn into a knot of pain.

Spike started to raise his right hand, the bandaged one, to wipe his tears away, but stopped and used the left one instead. Looking at her with his head bent forward a little and tilted a little to one side, Dawn could see the confusion in his eyes. "If you don't want me dead Bit, then why the stake?"

"Because I'm stupid" Dawn said as she slammed her head back hard against the wall behind her. "Because I keep thinking like a little girl instead of a woman" and banged her head again. "Because I'm confused and my best friend thinks I hate him" and started to bang her head a third time. But before her head could connect with the wall again, Spikes right hand was between her head and the wall, stopping her from hurting herself. But saving Dawns head from slamming against the wall didn't prevent Spikes hand from being slammed between her head and the wall instead. Seeing the flinch of pain cross Spikes face made Dawn feel even worse as she let her head fall forward. Spike kept his hand at the back of Dawns head to be sure she wouldn't slam it back against the wall again.

"Niblet, just cause a stupid vampire hurts himself on purpose is no reason for you to do it too" Spike said soothingly as he brushed his hand down the back of Dawns head lightly, checking to be certain that she hadn't injured herself.

Dawn sat for several moments looking down at her hands that now rested in her lap. Tears were still in her eyes, but had stopped flowing. Thoughts about Spike thinking she had come to kill him made her feel sick. Thoughts of him just sitting, waiting for someone to come kill him made her angry. Not at Spike, but at the whole stupid soul equals good, soulless equals evil situation. After all the things he's done, all the people he's helped, all the people that love him, how could he possibly think that any of them would want to harm him. Then it came to her who she was thinking about and all of their track records with Spike. Not much in the old memories of any of them that would lead him to think differently, is there?

Taking a deep breath, raising her head and turning it so she could look Spike in the eyes, Dawn started speaking to him in a calm and determined tone of voice. "Spike, I know what your thinking. Because, as soon as I understood that your soul was gone, I had the same kind of thoughts. Not that I wanted to hurt you, but that someone else was going to jump up and try to hurt you, before they had a chance to think about it. I had myself all ready, I was working it out in my mind, who I could take out first, who could take me out, whether I could hurt them enough to slow them down so they couldn't go after you. But I was ready Spike, I was going to make sure they had to go through me before they could get to you. I wasn't going to let anyone hurt you." Dawn was watching Spike closely, trying to determine if he believed her. When she saw a slight movement of his lips, almost the beginning of a smile, a sense of relief washed through her. "But Faith, she kind of defused the whole thing. She said that if you hadn't been killing people for eight years, there wasn't much likelihood that you'd start up today, and that the last person we needed to worry about being killed by you was Buffy."

Still watching Spike closely, Dawn continued. "Do you know why what Faith said stopped everyone from doing something stupid? It wasn't because they knew you still loved Buffy, I'm the only one who knows how you still feel about her. The reason they didn't all panic is because they knew you couldn't kill Buffy. Spike, no one can kill Buffy, she's immortal."

At first a puzzled look of incomprehension appeared on Spikes face. Followed by shock and then by anger. Spikes whole body seemed to tighten up, his eyes started changing from blue to yellow as his demon pushed to the surface and took him over. His demon visage came forward as his vampire fangs extended into view. A growl came from deep in his chest, from the primal demon inside of him. "The bloody Immortal, he did something to her. I'm going to rip that bloody bastards head off" Spike snarled. Red started appearing in Spikes eyes as he worked himself up into a blood rage. He'd bitten through his own lip and blood was running down his chin.

Dawn reached out without fear or hesitation and placed her hand to the side of Spikes face. "The Immortal didn't have anything to do with it Spike" Dawn told him calmly. "We think it happened at the Hellmouth, when Willow used the scythe to do the 'Sharing'. We think that's when she became immortal."

Dawns touch had stopped Spike from going into a rage, her calm tone of voice had soothed him, her words let him gain control of himself again. He sat for long moments taking deep breaths of air into his lungs, breaths he didn't need to take, except they were so much a part of him that they were a natural thing for him to do. The demon visage smoothed away from his face as his eyes again turned blue. His clenched fists relaxed and the rock hard tightness eased out of his shoulders. He reached up slowly and placed his hand over Dawns hand, which was still cupping the side of his face, and in an emotionally stressed voice asked, "Tell me?"

Dawn continued to cup Spikes face and used her thumb to caress his cheekbone slowly, again and again. She looked him directly in the eyes and nodded an agreement. "I know you've noticed that Buffy, Willow and all the slayers that were with you at the Hellmouth, they all, pretty much, still look like they did back then."

"A glamour? Red said it was a glamour" Spike responded, his voice still stressed.

"It's not a glamour. When Willow did the spell to share the powers of the Slayer with all the potential slayers, it worked. All of the potential slayers around the world were given the powers of 'The Slayer'. But something else happened then too. All of the slayers that were with Buffy, down in the Hellmouth, were given eternal youth. Willow seems to have been affected by it too, maybe because she performed the spell, we don't really know. It didn't have any effect on the men, Giles, Xander, Robin and Andrew, all of them have continued to age. It also didn't have any effect on me. That's why they think it was apart of the slayer sharing thing with Buffy. But with Buffy, it also seems to have made her immortal too, because she can't die. Not in a normal way anyway."

A look of confusion, and fear, returned to Spikes eyes as he absorbed what Dawn had just said to him. When he spoke his voice was hoarse and raspy, "What's that mean Luv, 'a normal way'?"

Dawn took a deep breath and held it for long seconds before she started to speak again. She was still cupping the side of Spikes face with her hand, but had stopped caressing his cheek with her thumb. Her voice was still calm, but a note of apprehension could still be heard in her voice. "It means that, that Buffy has been trying to die for the past seven years."

A look of shock, and then horror flashed across Spikes face as he threw himself back, away from Dawns touch. He scrambled to his feet and backed up until he was against the wall behind him and could go no farther. "No, no, that's not right, not right."

Seeing the horror, and disbelief, in Spikes eyes made Dawns stomach churn into a burning knot. But having decided that she was going to tell him the truth, to hell with all these stupid secretes, she was determined to continue. Pushing herself up from the floor, she rose to her feet and walked over to stand in front of Spike. She reached out to touch his face, but he turned away from her to avoid the touch. Instead she let her hand fall to his shoulder and gave it a gentile squeeze. When Dawn started to speak her voice was low, but she knew it was loud enough for him to hear what she was saying.

"We told you that Buffy came looking for you, after she found out, that you were back. That she searched for you for a whole month, before we gave up the search. But I don't think you really understand what that meant. As 'soon' as Buffy found out that you were back, she caught the first plane she could get on. She didn't have any money or cloths, or anything. She had a credit card and her passport, and that was it. When she got back here, to L.A., she started searching for you. But she didn't know where to look. She went to Wolfram and Hart, but the building was a wreck, and she couldn't find anyone to talk to about what had happened. That's when she called Giles for help. We all got here within a day or two, and Willow broke into the police data files for information, which gave us someplace to start our search. We told you all that. But Spike, what you don't understand is that Buffy, she went kind of crazy."

Dawn still had her hand on Spikes shoulder and when she said that Buffy had gone 'kind of crazy' she could feel the impact these words had on Spike. His whole body seemed to start vibrating, as if every muscle in his body was receiving an electric shock. When his body went limp and he collapsed to the floor, like a puppet with it's stings cut, Dawn thought that he had lost consciousness. She knelt down next to him and started brushing her fingers through his hair. When she heard him take a breath and knew he was awake, and not unconscious, she started to speak once more.

"By the time Giles and I got here, Buffy was sort of full blown manic. She hadn't slept or eaten for days, she couldn't sit still for even a minute, her mind was kind of racing all over the place, and she couldn't stop crying. Once Willow got here and gave us our first lead, she got even worse. She'd been going about a week, without sleep and hardly any food, when she collapsed. She just passed out in an alley. Spike, even in her sleep she was still crying." Dawn felt a shudder pass through Spikes body and looking down at him could see tears leaking from his closed eyes. "For weeks it was like that, pushing herself day and night until she would just collapse. Giles threatened to have her sedated and confined to a hospital if she didn't eat or rest. But she couldn't sleep, because whenever she tried she'd wake up screaming. Even in her sleep she was looking for you Spike, she kept trying to find you, to save you."

Hearing those words, 'to save you', sent another shudder rippling through Spikes entire body. Memories of Buffy's death on the tower, his dreams of saving her, waking up screaming with tears running down his face, flashed through his mind. Memories of wanting to walk out into the sun, to end the pain, to not have to face one more day without her. The only thing stopping him from a final death was his promise to Buffy, to protect Dawn.

When he opened his eyes, all he could see was the floor his face was resting on and Dawns knees as she knelt in front of him. All he could feel was the rough wood grain of the floor against the side of his face and the gentle brush of Dawns fingers through his hair. When he tried to push himself up from the floor into a sitting position, his arms shook as if it was taking every speck of energy in his body to do so. Even then, if it hadn't been for Dawn helping, he might not have been able to do it. With his legs sticking out straight and slightly apart, his back against the wall, his arms hanging limply at his sides, his head back against the wall, but tilted a little to one side, Spike focused his eyes on Dawns mouth, waiting for her to continue speaking. He knew that she had more to say, and knew that whatever it was it would be even harder to listen to than what had already been said. But listen he would, because he knew that whatever Dawn told him would be the truth, without any effort to protect him from the pain the words would bring him. He knew that Dawn wasn't trying to hurt him with her words, even though the words were hurtful. He knew that she was doing this for a reason and that it was important that he pay attention.

Once Spike was sitting up against the wall Dawn started searching through his jacket pockets until she found his cigarettes and lighter. Taking one of the cigarettes out of the pack she put it between her lips and using his lighter she lit it. Dawn choked a little as some of the smoke went down her lungs, but once the cigarette was lit she removed it from between her lips and placed it between Spikes lips. For several moments it hung there until Spikes lips firmed up around it and he took a long deep drag off of it, drawing the smoke deep down into his lungs. Spike drew his left leg up until the flat of his boot was firmly on the floor. He then brought his left hand to his mouth and removed the cigarette from between his lips. Resting his left arm on his knee he turned his head away from Dawn and let his breath out, sending a plume of smoke out into the air. When he turned his head back toward Dawn he could see that she was watching him, waiting. With a slight nod of his head he signaled that he was ready to hear more.

"After two weeks of searching everyone else had given up hope of finding you, everyone except Buffy. She wouldn't stop searching for you and made everyone else keep searching too. It wasn't until the full coven and Willow did a final search for you using magic that Giles was finally able to convince her that you were truly gone. She went all quiet after that, she wouldn't talk to anyone, not even me. We took her back to London, to Giles home, she never went back to Rome. She wouldn't talk to anyone, she barely ate, and she didn't cry anymore. Except that whenever she tried to sleep, she'd wake up screaming, and crying. Every time she slept she dreamt about you. She dreamt that you were still alive, but you were injured, that you needed her, but she couldn't find you. She dreamt about getting to the battle in time to save you." Dawn paused for a moment to take a deep breath before continuing. "She dreamt about getting to the battle in time to die with you."

Hearing these words had their effect on Spike. The hand that was holding his cigarette started shaking so bad that he dropped it on the floor. Dawn picked the cigarette up and put it back between his lips so that he could take another drag off of it. She waited for a full minute or more before she started speaking again. "We'd been in London for about a month when Buffy started going out for walks. She'd walk for miles and miles, sometimes she'd be gone all day." Dawn paused again, took a deep breath to calm herself, then continued. "On one of her walks she went to see a doctor. Apparently she told the doctor about her not being able to sleep and he gave her a prescription for sleeping pills. She went to bed that night and took the whole bottle." Dawn watched Spike's eye grow big at that statement, but he didn't do or say anything. "That's sort of what gave it away. Normally, ever since we got to London, Buffy hadn't been able to sleep for more that two or three hours without her dreams waking her up. When she didn't wake up screaming or crying, subconsciously it must have rung a bell with me, because I woke up and went in to check on her. That's when I found the empty pill bottle and the suicide note she left for me and Giles. We got her into a hospital and they pumped her stomach. When she woke up she tried to deny she'd tried to kill herself, but we had the note."

"A month later she drank a bottle of poison. Giles is the one who found her that time. All the poison did was make her real sick and vomit a lot, but it would have killed a normal person. Two months later she cut both her wrist while sitting in the bathtub, I found her that time. She'd passed out from blood loss, but the cuts had sealed themselves off and had already started to heal. Giles put her into a private psychiatric hospital where they kept her sedated for a month. As soon as they cut back on the sedative enough that she could function again she broke out of the hospital and went home. Giles told Buffy that she either started going to see a psychiatrist or he would have her placed in a hospital where they would keep her sedated for years if necessary to keep her from harming herself. She went to see the psychiatrist, but it didn't really seem to do much good, except that she stopped trying to kill herself. For awhile anyway."

"We really thought she was doing a lot better" Dawn said when she continued talking. "She was talking to pretty much everyone by then, except that she wouldn't talk about you. I don't think she could talk about you Spike, it hurt her to much. She hadn't tried to kill herself in six months and she was seeing the psychiatrist three times a week. She was helping out at the new Counsel building, little things, but she was keeping busy. I don't really know how any of us forgot it, the anniversary of the battle with Wolfram and Hart, except that we were all so busy at the time that it just slipped our minds. But Buffy didn't forget. She planned it from information the Counsel had received from Angel. At the time that was the closest she could estimate to when she thought you had died, she stabbed herself in the heart with a dagger." Dawn was watching Spike closely when she said this, but all he did was blink several times. "That's when we found out that she was immortal. She was at the Counsel building, in the library, and she took an antique dagger down from the wall and stabbed herself in the heart with it. One of the witches from the Coven saw her do it and let out a scream. Trying to help Buffy, she pulled the dagger out of Buffys heart just as Giles came rushing into the room. Giles was on his knees, holding her hand, crying, when Buffy coughed and started breathing again. They rushed her to the infirmary in the Counsel building, but by the time they got her there the wound had already stopped bleeding and was closed up. Within an hour Buffy was back on her feet."

Dawn was watching Spike closely for his reaction, but all he did was blink rapidly at the announcement of Buffys suicide attempt. Feeling overwhelmed herself, just from telling the story, tears started running down her face. Needing to touch someone, Dawn reached out and took Spikes hand. Touching Spike seemed to break some kind of barrier inside of him and tears came flooding from his eyes. Drawing up his other leg, Spike bent forward and buried his face against his knees. For long minutes he cried, great sobs wracked his body as he tried to draw air into his lungs. Dawn continued to hold his hand as she bent forward and rested her head against his.

When Spike finally raised his head to look at Dawn again he had stopped crying, but his face was wet with tears. His eyes were filled with a pain that was clearly visible to anyone looking into them. Dawn squeezed his hand and using her other hand wiped the tears from her own face. When Spike tried to speak his voice was so choked with emotion he couldn't get the words out at first. He coughed twice to clear his throat and tried again.

"I …. I didn't know. …. I thought she'd forgotten about me …. wanted to forget me …. I thought she was happy …. moved on … living the life she wanted …. with the Immortal." The sadness in Spikes voice was so painful that it brought fresh tears to Dawns eyes. "I stayed away from her …. that first year …. didn't want to …. missed her so much …. hurt so much …. didn't want to mess up her life again …. didn't even know the soul was gone. …. After …. the fight …. the Hool priests did their magic on me …. fixed me up …. found out the soul was gone …. burned out of me …. at the Hellmouth. …. Knew I could never go back …. no chip …. no soul …. no nothing. …. empty." Spike coughed to clear his throat again. "Hid for a time, wore a helmet to hide my face, helped Tyron to protect his friends, owed him that, for saving me. Still missed her Bit, missed you too. Heard about all the new slayers. When none of them showed up, figured the new Counsel had written the city off for some reason, didn't know why. Figured old Rupert had something to do with it. Started helping more, doing what I could. That's when Joy came to me, gave me something to live for again. Didn't care about the soul, just loved me. Let me love her back."

Spikes words broke loose a fresh wave of pain in Dawns heart. Tears ran from her eyes as she threw herself at him and wrapped her arms around his waist as she buried her face in his chest. Between sobs, Dawn gasped out "I love you Spike. …. I don't care about the soul. …. I just care about you. …. Please don't leave me. …. I love you so much."

Spike had his arms wrapped around Dawn, holding her tightly. Hearing that she still loved him filled an empty place inside of him. Slowly he brushed one hand down the back of her head as he made soothing sounds to calm her. For long minutes they held on to each other. When Dawn stopped crying and just relaxed in his arms Spike continued to brush his hand through her hair and loosened his tight hold around her waist. Gently, and without any real thought behind it, Spike started stroking Dawns back to sooth her even more. He'd been stroking her back and side for a full minute or more when something occurred to him, Dawn didn't have a bra on. With all the pain and emotional turmoil that the two of them had been going through he hadn't even noticed that from the waist up she was naked. Spikes whole body reacted to this realization. His eyes slammed shut tightly and both of his hands and arms pulled away from her quickly so that he wasn't touching her anywhere.

Dawn, not understanding what had just happened, sat up quickly and stared at Spike with distress clearly written on her face. "Spike? Spike, what's wrong? What did I do?" Dawns distress and panic was clear in her tone of voice.

Spike brought his right hand, the one covered with the bandage that Dawn had made from her t-shirt, and covered his eyes. "Didn't do nothing wrong Niblet" Spike replied quickly. "It's just, your naked."

Dawn sat up quickly and looking down she realized herself, for the first time, that she was naked from the waist up. It hadn't even occurred to her before that and she blushed so hard that her face turned a bright red. But after a few moments she started laughing. As she looked at Spike covering his eyes with one hand as he held the other one out away from her so that he couldn't touch her, she started laughing even harder.

Spike kept his hand over his eyes, but a smirky kind of grin spread over his lips, one that Dawn remembered from the past when Spike had been 'her protector' and she had been 'his girl'.

"It's not funny Bit" Spike said gruffly, but Dawn could hear the embarrassment in his voice.

Getting up quickly she hurried over and picked up the cut-off t-shirt that was laying on the floor. Standing in the full light of the sun coming through the open doorway she turned toward Spike and spoke to him in a voice full of laughter, "Last chance Spike. The 'booby fairies' were pretty nice to me. Wanna take a peek?"

Spike kept his hand firmly over his eyes and wasn't even tempted to look. "Get on with it Bit. Your bits and pieces aren't for the likes of me to be gawking at, and you know it."

Dawn quickly slipped the t-shirt over her head and pulled it down into place. Looking down at herself she could see that what remained of the t-shirt was a bit like a sports bra, just a little looser. Pulling her hair out from the back of the t-shirt and pulling the front down to cover her fully she walked back over to Spike and knelt down in front of him.

"It's safe now" Dawn said, her voice was still full of laughter. Spike dropped his hand away from his eyes and slowly opened one eye. Once he saw that Dawns breast were covered he open both eyes and looked at her with his embarrassment clearly written on his face. Dawn knew that if it was possible for a vampire to blush, Spikes face would be a bright red. Dawn gave Spike a wicked grin. "As long as I don't do this" she said as she raised both arms over her head, which pulled up on the cut-off t-shirt and exposed the bottom curve of both her breasts, "you've got nothing to fear."

Spike slapped his hand back over his eyes and made a growling noise in his throat. "I may not be the Big Bad anymore, but I bloody well know who is" he said gruffly.

Dawn pulled the t-shirt back down, then reached out and placed her hand on the hand covering Spikes eyes. Gently she pulled his hand away from his eyes and held it. She waited for him to open his eyes again and when he did, she said to him gently, her voice full of trust and love, "You'll always be 'my Big Bad' Spike, always. Just like I'll always be 'your girl'."

The love that Dawn could see in Spikes eyes as he looked back at her erased the last speck of worry from her mind. No one could have that much love inside their heart and be evil, no one.

(03/11/05)

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	35. Reunions 35

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Reunions / Part 35

Spike sat looking at Dawn as she held his hand and smiled at him. The love he felt for her filled a place in his heart that had been an aching hole for the past eight years. For the first time he truly believed that she had forgiven him for what he had tried to do to Buffy, something for which he had yet to forgive himself. He could see it in her eyes, her face, the way she openly behaved toward him, that she truly meant what she said, that she loved him.

Accepting that Dawn could forgive him, and love him, forced him to confront the words that Buffy had spoken. She had said repeatedly that she didn't hate him, that she had forgiven him, that she loved him. How could this be true? How could Buffy forgive the very thing that had haunted his dreams all these years? The guilt he had lived with daily was so strong, so much a part of him, that he couldn't wrap his mind around the possibility of it being true. But seeing, and believing, that Dawn loved him had planted a seed of possibility, of hope, that was desperately trying to take root in his heart.

But caution, and fear, rushed forward. Spike knew how fragile his heart was when it came to Buffy. He knew that if he let himself hope, if he let himself believe, he could easily destroy himself. Thinking of seeing her had made him a nervous wreck. Seeing her and hearing her say she loved him, and telling her that 'no, she didn't', had driven him away from Joy and his other children. Finding out that she had been there, and had heard everything he had said to Dawn about why she couldn't love him, had driven him to wanting to destroy himself. The pain he had felt hearing Buffys confession, and her declaration of love, had torn open old wounds and inflicted new ones to his heart. Wanting to believe, fearing to believe, guilt, anger, shame, love, remorse. All these thoughts, feelings, emotions, were churning inside his head and his heart.

The added guilt he was feeling over what he had done, throwing a stake to Buffy while vamping out as he told her he was soulless had been unfair, and he knew it. Her reaction had been instinctual; vampire - slayer - threatening gestures, her reaction had been predictable. Somewhere in his confused thinking he had thought that by forcing her to react, it would prove to both of them that it was impossible for her to love him. But all he had really done was hurt Buffy, again. Seeing the hurt on her face, the pain in her eyes, had driven him away from her again. Spike started sinking deeper and deeper into his thoughts, brooding.

Dawn had quietly watched Spike and had seen the love in his eyes as he smiled back at her. She had also seen the change that took place. She saw the smile fade from his lips, the frown that furrowed his brow, the pain that returned to his eyes. She knew that his mind was turning to darker thoughts. Giving a slight pull on his hand as she gave it a squeeze, "Hey! Broody boy, wake up!"

Being yanked out of his thoughts it took a moment for Spike to realize what Dawn had just said to him. An offended frown spread across his face as he snapped "I don't brood!"

"Well you could have fooled me" Dawn snapped back. "You were looking like a baby Angel there for a minute." The offended look that spread over Spikes face was more that Dawn could handle and she started giggling. "Hey, let me tell you, one brooding Angel in the world is more than enough. Two of you would be one to many. I don't think the world could handle it. We'd have to go find Angel and stake him, just to lighten the load."

The offended look on Spikes face slipped away and turned into a smirky grin. "He still doing that, is he?"

"Oh God, yes" Dawn responded with a smile on her face. "I've seen him bore holes in walls when he broods. I don't know how Nina puts up with him. If I was her, I'd smack him upside the head with a board, just to keep him focused on the real world."

A thoughtful look settled on Spikes face. "Nina, she's the dog-girl Angel was seeing before …. the end. How long they been together?"

"It's werewolf, smart-ass, not dog-girl" Dawn snarked back. "Nina's nice, don't pick on her. Angel asked Giles to check on her, after they rescued him, to make sure the S.P's didn't harm her. She came back to London to be with Angel while he was healing up and has been with him ever since."

Spike tilted his head a little to one side as he thought about what Dawn had said, his eyes going a little out of focus. After a few moments he looked back at Dawn and asked, "What's Buffy think about that?"

Dawn knew what Spike was really asking with his question and answered honestly. "Buffy like's Nina, and Connor too. Whenever they come to London she usually sees them, sometimes they go out to eat together. Angel doesn't come to London very often, maybe a dozen times since he moved to Ireland. Buffy's only seen him maybe four or five times, if he comes to the Counsel building." When Spike's eyes narrowed she could read in them that he wanted to know more, but wouldn't ask. "Buffy blamed Angel for not letting her know that you came back, after the Hellmouth. Angel told her that it was your decision not to contact her, but she didn't believe him. After the fight with the S.P's, Giles kept Buffy away from Angel, he was afraid she'd dust him for getting you killed."

The look of disbelief that could easily be read in Spikes eyes prompted Dawn to say more. "Spike, you still don't get it, do you? Buffy blamed Angel for getting you killed. I mean, …. we thought you were dead, and Buffy blamed Angel. She told Giles that Angel was lying about you, that you would have contacted her, unless Angel stopped you somehow. She told Giles not to trust Angel, because if he would lie about you he was probably lying about other things too. Buffy didn't even see or talk to Angel for two years. They've been getting along better the past few years, their friendly now, but their not close, not like they use to be. Most of their contact with each other is for business reasons, Angel does research for the Counsel now."

Dawn watched Spike closely as she spoke to him. She could tell he was having a hard time adjusting to what she had just told him. Spike had convinced himself that Buffy could only love Angel, never him. Hearing that Buffy blamed Angel for Spike not contacting her, and for his apparent death, had to be giving him doubts about his convictions. Hearing that there had been actual concern that Buffy might try to 'dust' Angel must be even more disturbing to his beliefs. Dawn decided that letting Spike spend to much time thinking about Angel probably wasn't a good thing right now. She had more important things to tell him and had only been putting it off because of the emotional overload that she knew it was going to put both of them through.

"Spike, I've got other things I need to tell you. More important things than stuff about Angel. More of the 'secret stuff' that we should have told you right away, and before you try to stop me, I told Giles I was going to tell you and he agreed." Dawns voice had started off calm, but as she spoke the stress level in her voice had increased.

Spike had heard the change in Dawns voice and was looking at her closely. He knew that Dawn was about to tell him more about Buffy, and from the change in her voice and the stress he could see in the way she was holding herself, he knew that it was going to be bad. With shaking hands he found his cigarettes and lit one up. Once it was burning he braced himself for what was to come.

Dawn had been holding Spikes left hand since she had sat back down with him. When he pulled it free to search for his cigarettes she put her hand on his leg, she needed the physical contact. Once Spike had his cigarette lit and she knew he was ready to hear more, she started talking. "Remember, when I told you Buffy went kind of crazy when she couldn't find you?"

Dawn watched Spike closely for a response. Spike took a deep drag off his cigarette, then looking at Dawn he nodded his head slightly. Dawn started talking again, but there was a note of fear in her voice. Not fear of Spike, but fear of hurting him. "Some of this I saw for myself, some of it I got from Buffy a lot later. When she stabbed herself in the heart, she expected to die. She had thought that it was just being a slayer that had prevented her from dying from her previous attempts. You know, super strength, super healing powers. But a dagger in the heart should have killed anyone, it would have killed her before, in the old days. But, anyway, when they got her to the dispensary and she healed up, instead of dying, she got real angry about it. One of the witches from the Coven, the one that pulled the dagger out of her heart, told her that she must be immortal or something." Dawn hesitated for a few moments while she took a deep breath. "Spike, Buffy went really crazy then. She started screaming at everyone about how it wasn't right, that she had died twice already, that she had been ripped out of heaven, that it wasn't fair, that she wanted to die. That she wanted to be with you."

Hearing that Buffy had wanted to die, had tried to kill herself, to be with him, was like a kick to Spikes stomach. If he'd had any food, or blood, in his stomach he probably would have thrown up. Instead, he sat there and shook. Spike knew that one day, when Buffy died, she would return to heaven. He also believed that one day, when his un-life ended, he would be going to hell. He couldn't put the two ideas together.

Dawn had been afraid of what she had to tell Spike would do to him, but she knew that there was a lot worse to come and she needed him to pull himself together. Dawn started shaking Spikes leg, to draw his attention, and yelled at him. "Spike, snap out of it. Don't you go all nancy boy on me. I need the Big Bad, Spike, I need him NOW!" Dawn shook Spikes leg even harder, and making a fist she hit him in the arm.

Dawn shaking his leg started to bring Spike back into focus. Hearing her say she needed the Big Bad, and feeling her hit him on the arm, snapped him back. Spikes eyes started switching from blue to yellow and back to blue, then yellow again. His ears were ringing from the loudness of Dawns voice. When she hit him on the arm a second time he came back into focus and turned his full attention on Dawn.

Seeing that she had Spikes attention, Dawn unclenched her fist and laid her hand on his arm and gently rubbed where she had hit him. "Sorry about that" Dawn told him in a soft voice of contrition. Then in a more determined voice she told him, "Spike, I've got a lot of stuff to tell you and almost all of it is really bad. I need you to stay focused. I need you to be the Big Bad for awhile, cause the Big Bad can take it. Do you understand what I mean.? You got to know this stuff and it's going to hurt. It's going to hurt me to tell you, but it's going to hurt you more to hear it this way. Can you do it? Can you stay focused?"

Spike studied Dawns face and processed what she had just said to him. Telling him that she needed the Big Bad told him that what she was about to tell him was even worse than what she had already said to him. He also realized that Dawn was telling him that she needed the 'fighter' in him, she needed someone who could take the punishment he was about to receive. Spike pulled himself together and started building up his defensive walls. He lit up a cigarette and drew the smoke deep down into his lungs. He unzipped his jacket and pulled out a small half pint flask, took the cap off and upending it, he drained it. He rolled his head until his neck made a loud pop. He rolled his shoulders as if he were getting ready for a fight. Taking another deep drag off the cigarette he held it in for several long seconds, then let the smoke out through his nose. His eyes suddenly turned yellow and in lest than a second he was fully vamped out. Slowly he let his vamp face fade back into human, but a glint of yellow stayed in his blue eyes. Taking another drag off the cigarette, he turned his eyes on Dawn and in a hard, clipped voice he said, "Tell me Bit. Tell it all."

Dawn wanted to reach out and touch Spike, but she knew that this wasn't the time for it. Spike needed to be strong, and touching him wouldn't help him stay that way. She just hoped that she could stay strong enough herself to tell it all.

In a voice almost as hard and clipped as Spikes, Dawn started talking. "Buffy wanted to die. She wanted to be with you. When the witch told her she was immortal, she flipped out and ran away from the Counsel building. Giles sent people after her, but they couldn't find her. He had some of the witch's from the Coven do a search for her, but every time someone got where she'd been, she'd already moved on. Every slayer, watcher and witch in the city was looking for her. When they got to several of the places, there was blood on the ground, Buffy's blood. We kept looking for her, for three weeks. I don't think she slept the entire time, if she did it could only have been for minutes at a time. When we found her she didn't look like she'd eaten either, she was skin and bones."

"She'd been gone twenty-three days when a team of slayers found her in a cemetery. She'd found a vampire, a fledgling coming out of it's grave. You know how they are, crazy with the blood lust. She let it attack her and drain her. It tore her throat open in it's frenzy for her blood. The slayers got there just as the vampire finished with her. They killed the vamp, checked her pulse and heart, and thought she was dead. They called for a car and took her body back to the Counsel building. I was with her, cleaning her up. She'd been wearing the same cloths since she ran away, she was filthy."

"When we started washing her body we found where she had cut her arms and legs, fifty, sixty times. It looked like she had stabbed herself a dozen times too. She'd also tried to cut her own throat. I was washing the blood off her face and throat when I noticed that the wound from the vampire was healing up. She wasn't breathing, and her heart wasn't beating, her body was getting cold. We thought that she'd been turned. Giles was going to stake her, before she could 'rise'. He was crying, but he knew that Buffy wouldn't want to come back as a vampire. But I wouldn't let him do it."

"We finished cleaning her up, then tied her body up on the table and waited. In the morning, just as the sun came up, she started breathing and her heart started beating. It had taken her body all night to make enough new blood to live again. Giles had her moved to a psychiatric hospital before she woke up and had her restrained. When she finally did wake up and realized that she was still alive, she started screaming at all of us. Giles had her sedated. For two months every time they decreased the sedatives enough for her to think and talk, she either screamed at us or begged us to kill her."

"They were pumping her full of antidepressants and gave her a bunch of shock treatments. When she stopped begging us to kill her a psychiatrist that knows about slayers started working with her. She was in the hospital for six months before they felt it was safe to let her go home. When she finally came home she started talking to me, about you and her. She'd told me a lot about the relationship the two of you had, before, after the Hellmouth, but this time she didn't leave anything out. She was writing it all out in a journal, every detail that she could remember. She told me about how she had abused you and hurt you. How she had used you to make her feel something and then punished you for loving her. She told me how much she hated herself for using you. How she took all her hate and anger out on you. How she broke you. She told me that it was her fault that you had tried to rape her, that she had driven you to it."

"Spike, she also told me that she loved you. She hated that you loved her, because she didn't deserve to be loved, but she loved you for loving her too. When you left Sunnydale, she blamed herself. She told me that she always hurt the people she loved and always drove them away from her. She told me that she had promised herself that if you ever came back she'd never hurt you again. When you did come back and you were all crazy, she blamed herself for that too. She wanted to help you, but was afraid she'd just hurt you more. When she found out you had a soul, that you had gotten it for her, she became even more afraid of hurting you."

Dawn had started crying halfway through what she had just told Spike and at this point she broke down completely. She wanted Spike to hold her, to sooth her, to make her feel safe. But she knew that this time she couldn't turn to Spike. She had been watching him hold himself together by shear will power alone. She had seen the pain in his eyes turn to horror when she told him about Buffy letting a vampire drain her without fighting back. But she had seen him hold himself together, choke down his feelings and emotions, stay focused, just like she had asked him to. She knew there was more to tell and she needed to get herself back under control and do what needed to be done.

Spike sat watching Dawn cry and desperately wanted to reach out and help her, but he was barely holding himself together as it was. He knew that if he even touched her, he would break. Seeing Dawn get herself back under control, stop crying, and pulling herself back together so that she could continue, showed Spike just how strong 'his girl' had grown up to be. Seeing her like this, the courage she had, gave him the strength he needed to continue. It wasn't the demon in him, or the Big Bad attitude, that gave him what he needed , it was Dawn.

When Dawn started talking again her voice was still a little shaky, but she had it under control and she wasn't crying anymore. As she continued to talk her voice got stronger. "Spike, Buffy spent the next year writing her journals. She then spent six more months typing it into a computer and adding new stuff that she remembered later. When she was done she printed it all out and made copies of it. She gave one to Giles, one to Willow and one to me. She made a copy for Xander too, but I don't think she ever sent it to him."

"She wanted us to read it so that we would know the truth about her, and about how she felt about you. I don't know what Buffy said to you this morning, but I'm certain that she told you that she loved you. But, whatever she said, apparently you didn't believe her, or you couldn't let yourself believe her, I don't know which. But if you ever want to know the truth about how she feels about you, all you'd have to do is read about the last couple of weeks before the battle with 'The Firsts' army. Every thought she had about you, every feeling, everything she didn't say to you because she was afraid to say it. It's all in there Spike. Buffy loved you. Buffy still loves you."

Dawn had let her head bend down as she told Spike this last part. She was looking at the floor between them instead of at Spikes face. She wanted to look at him. She wanted to see that he believed what she was saying. But she was afraid. She was afraid that she wouldn't see what she wanted to see, that he believed her, and she knew that it would break her heart if he didn't. Taking in a deep breath, and letting it out in a long sigh, Dawn started talking again.

"This next part is a little confusing and bounces around, but it's the only way I know how to explain what happened next. Remember, when we all came here looking for you, after your fight with the S.P's. It took a couple of days for us to track down where you had been living. As soon as Buffy got the address we went there. Buffy was hoping that if you had been injured you might have made it back to your place and were hiding out till you healed up. When we got there and you didn't answer the door, Buffy kicked it open and we went in to search for you. Obviously you weren't there, so we searched the place to see if we could find something that might tell us where you might be. While we were searching we found a notebook of poetry that you'd written, and that skull ring you had given to Buffy when the two of you were engaged, when you were under that spell that Willow did that time. When Buffy found the ring, she put it on her finger and has been wearing it ever since. She wears it with the skull turned under so that it looks like she's wearing a wedding ring. That's sort of how she sees it Spike, as a wedding ring. She's also memorized all your poems, even the really bad ones. She memorized them because you wrote them, it's all she had left of you."

"Anyway, if you ever hear any stories about Buffy and a wedding ring, that's what their referring to. The slayers, especially the younger ones, have made up all kinds of romantic stories about the two of you. Most of them have very little to do with facts. Mostly their about how much the two of you loved each other and how you died to save Buffy and the world at the Hellmouth. There's even a story about how you came back to life, but had an evil spell on you that prevented you from letting Buffy know you were alive, and that you died again to save the world. The important part of that is that if anyone ever asks Buffy about you, if she really did love you, she always tells them that she did and that she still does. One of the old Watchers, one of the retired ones that wasn't killed by the Bringers, asked her once how she could possibly love a vicious vampire like William the Bloody, Slayer of Slayers. Buffy told him that you were the most 'noble man' she had ever met and that she would always love you, 'until the end of the world'."

Dawn was watching Spike when she told him this last part and she saw the effect it had on him. When she'd said the words about being a 'noble man' he had started to smile. When she said that Buffy had told the old Watcher that she would love him 'until the end of the world', his eyes had shut tight and he had stopped breathing. Dawn hesitated to speak at this point, for fear that she might say something that would make Spike loose control of himself. She decided to wait quietly.

"I was one once, a nobleman" Spike rasped out quietly, he still had his eyes closed. "It was a minor title, inherited, didn't do anything to deserve it. Died with me I guess, no heirs to pass it on to."

When Dawn responded with "I know", Spikes eyes opened and he stared at her quizzically.

"Buffy told me" Dawn said. "She spent a whole year tracing down your family tree. She told me once that if you were alive, and five or six hundred other noblemen all died at once, you could have been the King of England."

That comment brought a smile to Spikes lips and after a few moments a quiet chuckle.

When Spike didn't make anymore comments, Dawn decided to continue, but preempted it with a warning. "Spike, things are going to get really bad again." She waited for a few moments until Spike nodded to let her know that he was ready. "Buffy finished her journal just before the fourth anniversary of your death at the Hellmouth, and the third anniversary of your fight with the S.P's. Giles was very worried about that, as if it was some kind of signal. It had been almost two years since Buffys last suicide attempt, but with her finishing her journal and giving out copies of it, he was more that a little concerned. Willow came back from Brazil for a month, supposedly for a vacation, but it was really to be close to Buffy and to give her support. But Buffy didn't seem upset or depressed. She actually seemed to be the happiest she'd been in years, maybe forever. I mean she wasn't all party girl or anything like that, but she did seem happy."

"About a month after Willow went back to Brazil, I walked in on Buffy while she was watching an old movie on the India TV network. When I asked her why she was watching a movie that she couldn't understand the words to, she told me that she, Willow and Xander had use to watch movies like that together when they were in high school and had made up the words to the story as it went along. She said she thought it was funny and brought back old memories. She seemed so happy about it I didn't think anything of it, I had homework to do for my classes at Oxford and left her alone with her movie. I found out later that in the movie a woman committed Su'tee, ritual suicide when a woman throws herself on the funeral fire of her dead husband." Dawn looked closely at Spike to see if he'd guessed what was coming next.

"The next morning Buffy got up and dressed up real nicely. She fixed her hair and put on make-up and got dressed all in white, it was really a cute outfit. She had breakfast with Giles and me and said that she was going out later to enjoy the nice weather. After we were gone she waited an hour and went out to the gardeners shed. The gardener had gasoline in the shed for the lawnmower. Buffy poured gasoline all over herself and the shed and set herself on fire." Dawns voice was shaking now as she relived the memory. Tears were in her eyes and she could see that Spike was in shock. She reached out and grabbed his hand, she needed to touch him, she needed his strength. Spike grabbed hold of Dawns hand and held on so tightly that the physical pain of his grip made Dawn gasp. Spike realized that he was hurting Dawn and tried to release her hand, but Dawn refused to let go of Spike. They both needed the physical contact to get through the next few minutes.

When Dawn had herself under control again and knew that Spike was in control of himself again, she started telling him the rest of the story. "It was Willow that saved Buffy, and almost killed herself doing it. It was almost ten in the morning when Buffy set herself on fire, which made it somewhere in the middle of the night in Brazil, I'm not certain of the time. But, anyway, when Buffy set herself on fire, Willow woke up screaming, she could feel Buffys pain. Without any preparation Willow transported herself from Brazil to inside the burning shed. Then again without preparation she snuffed out the fire and transported the shed and everything in it, except her and Buffy, to some other place. We never did find out where. Buffy was unconscious and Willow was passed out on the ground next to her. The power that Willow used was so powerful that it knocked out all of the Coven witches in the city and gave headaches to the rest of the Coven up in Devon. It jangled the nerves of all the slayers in the city and slayers all around the world felt it too. Luckily the jangled nerves of the slayers drew them to Buffy and Willow. Ambulances were called and both of them were taken to a hospital. Willow was unconscious for three days and she couldn't do magic, even little spells, for almost a month without getting a headache."

"Buffy was in a lot worse shape. Ninety percent of her body had third degree burns and the rest was second degree burns. Her eyes had been burned and she'd breathed fire down into her lungs. In places her skin was actually charred and all of her cloths were charred and burned into her flesh. Fortunately for her, if you want to call it fortunate, she was unconscious for the first week. That means she didn't feel any of the initial pain of her burns and she didn't feel it when the doctors had to remove the charred skin and clothing from her body. When she woke up, oxygen was being forced to her injured lungs and her entire body was wrapped up like a mummy. Another fortunate thing that happened was that as her body healed, the most important things healed first. By the end of the second week in the hospital her lungs had healed. After that it was just a long painful process while the rest of her healed. One of the unfortunate things that occurred was that the pain relievers that the doctors gave her didn't work that well on her. Remember when I told you that I had seen burns like the one on your hand? Buffys whole body was like your hand, but even worse, and she felt the pain all the time. For over six weeks, until she re-grew new skin, she was in constant pain."

Dawn had herself under control, mainly because talking about the aftermath of Buffys suicide attempt was easier for her than talking about the actual attempt. Dawn had always blamed herself for not realizing that Buffys behavior that morning had been way to cheerful and should have been recognized as a warning sign. The psychiatrist at the hospital had explained to Dawn and Giles that the reason Buffy had probably been in such a good mood since she finished writing her journal was because she had already made the decision on when and how she was going to kill herself and that with the decision made she had been experiencing a sense of euphoria. Looking at Spike, Dawn could see that he had himself under control. The listing of Buffys injuries had shocked him, but he had seen her and held her, so he knew that she was alright.

"Just so you know, there were some positive side effects from what happened to Buffy" Dawn told Spike with a small smile on her face. "One of the things that happen was about her scars. I told you that she had some really horrible scars from her earlier suicide attempts. After she grew back her new skin, all of the scars were gone. You must not have noticed, but all of the vampire bite marks are gone from her neck now. Her lungs healed up perfect and there isn't any scar tissue in her lungs or throat. Buffy always had good eye sight, but after her eyes healed up their better than they were before. She has both better day vision and night vision. She can probably see as good as you can in the dark now." A slight blush came to Dawns face, but it was accompanied by a smirky grin. "I know you know that Buffys not a natural blonde, or at least she didn't use to be. When her hair grew back though, it all came back blonde, all of it." The grin got even bigger as she continued "I guess you'll just have to take my word for that though, unless you feel like doing some personal investigating of your own." Watching Spikes face Dawn could have almost sworn that he had a slight blush.

"Oh, one other thing that happened. You know how Buffy was always worried about her weight and wouldn't eat right. Well her body forces her to eat now. If she doesn't eat her stomach starts making loud noises and if she still doesn't eat she gets painful stomach cramps until she does eat. While she was in the hospital and the first couple of months after that, she started eating so much to stop the stomach pains she gained twenty-five pounds. She never did get fat, but she thought she did, so she started working out again, for the first time in four years. She's probably in the best physical condition right now that she's ever been in since she became a slayer. Of course, emotionally she's a total basket case, and you're the only one who can fix that problem."

Dawn gave Spike a big smirky grin to emphasize what she had just said. Spike frowned at Dawn and started digging in his pockets for his cigarettes and ignored her until he had one lit up and had drawn in a lung full of smoke. When Spike looked back at her his face was under control and Dawn decided not to push the issue right then. She still had things to tell Spike and for all concerned what she had to tell him next was the most important part of what she'd been telling him.

"Okay, I'm almost done with the telling of 'secret stuff', but the next couple of things are really important for you to understand." Dawn looked at Spike until he nodded his head and said to her "I'm still listening Bit, tell me what I need to know."

"The healing process that Buffy went through was fast compared to what it would take a normal person, even a normal slayer. But it was painful, very painful. By the time they were ready to release her from the hospital for home care, Giles had already made arrangements to place Buffy back into a permanent psychiatric hospital unless she agreed to several conditions. One was to take her anti-depressants, two was to go back to seeing her psychiatrist and really talk about her emotional problems, and three was to promise to never attempt to kill herself again. Buffy agreed to the first two and promised to try to abide by the last one, but she couldn't guarantee that part. Giles gave in on the third one, but told Buffy that he would lock her away for the next twenty years if he had to, to keep her from harming herself."

"After Buffy got home she mostly laid around resting and eating, except for her trips to see her psychiatrist. When she started gaining weight and thought she was getting fat, she started going to the Counsel building and working out. Once she was back in shape Giles asked her to do a little training with some of the younger girls that had been found and brought to the Counsel for training to be slayers. In a few months it changed from helping out to a full-time thing. Buffy was training all of the young girls under sixteen, getting them ready to work with their Watchers and to take up their duties. When Buffy got herself up to full fitness she even started working out with some of the older slayers, teaching them things she had learned over the years when she was the one and only Slayer. Things were going pretty good for Buffy. No, she wasn't a happy camper, no, she wasn't her old self, whenever that was. But she was doing a lot better, even her psychiatrist thought so."

"Buffy was doing so well that she had even started taking some of her older girls out on training patrols. It was almost like when she was training the potentials. I'd been going out on patrols with other slayers for a long time. When Buffy started taking her girls out I would tag along sometimes. I'd always wanted to patrol with Buffy, and here was my chance. She'd been doing this for months and had faced a number of vampires and had staked them, no problem. Then one night it all fell apart. There was this vampire and Buffy froze because she thought it was you. Spike, the vamp was shorter than you, he was fat, he wasn't wearing a leather duster, there wasn't anything about him that looked anything like you, except for one thing, he had hair like yours. I wasn't really anything like yours either, it was just blonde, but it was curly, and Buffy froze. That was bad enough, but the really bad thing that happened was that one of the girls was carrying a crossbow and when the vampire got close and she saw that Buffy wasn't going to do anything, the girl dusted him with the crossbow. When the vamp dusted, Buffy freaked and started to go after the girl. I saw what she was going to do and I knocked Buffy down. Buffy reacted and hit me. That seemed to snap her out of it, hitting me, but she also realized that she had only been a second or two away from attacking the girl. Buffy stopped training the girls and got real depressed again."

"While Buffy was depressed she started spending a lot of time on the internet, just browsing mostly. Somehow she found a site about meditation and started reading stuff. For whatever reason she liked what she was reading and got deeper and deeper into the meditation. Then someone made a posting about some kind of deep meditation training and Buffy followed the link. From there it only took a few months more and Buffy learned the secret to overcoming her immortality. Buffy learned that if she meditated long enough and hard enough she could shut down her body and meditate herself to death. She could just make herself fade away."

Dawn paused and took several deep breaths before continuing. "This is where I come into it again. I knew about Buffy doing meditation and had talked to Giles and to Buffys psychiatrist about it. Both of them didn't see any harm in Buffy doing meditations, they both thought that it might help her. But the way Buffy was becoming obsessed with it had me worried. One night I woke up in the middle of the night feeling that something was really wrong. I went to Buffys room to check on her and she was sitting on the floor in a deep trance. I stood there watching for a few minutes, Buffy didn't even know I was there. When I finally said something to her, she didn't respond. That's when I noticed that she was barely breathing and that her pulse had slowed down so low it was barely detectable. I started shacking her, trying to bring her out of it, but she wouldn't come out. I smacked her in the face and she didn't even notice. I kind of spazed out then. I didn't know what to do, when it sort of came to me that I had to make Buffy want to protect me, save me from something."

Dawn looked up at Spike and could see she had his full attention. "So I did this" saying this Dawn showed Spike both of her wrists and for the first time he noticed that there was a thin scar over both of her wrists. "Like I said, I spazed out and I ended up cutting both of my wrists and holding them against the sides of Buffys face while I screamed at her that I was going to die unless she saved me. I don't know if it was my screaming that got through to her or if it was the smell of the blood that brought her out of the trance. But which ever one it was, it brought her out of it and when she saw me bleeding she immediately put pressure bandages on the cuts and stopped the bleeding. We called Giles and I had to explain why I cut myself. Giles didn't think that what I'd done was the smartest thing I've ever done, but he didn't fault me for the result. We later learned that if I had thrown cold water in Buffys face it would have worked even better."

The look on Spikes face as he continued to look down at Dawns wrists made her want to cry. When she tried to hide her wrists from Spike he reached out quickly and pulled her from where she was kneeling and into his lap. He wrapped his arms around her and held on to her tightly. At first Dawn felt embarrassed and wanted to get off of Spikes lap, but after a few moments she let herself relax in his arms and let herself cry quietly. When the tears ceased, Spike reached up and wiped the last of them from her face. In a choked raspy voice he asked, "Tell me Bit, why'd you do that to yourself. There had to be a reason, more than saying you spazed out."

"I really don't know" Dawn whispered back. "It was sort of like a flash in my mind. I saw myself up on the tower bleeding and Buffy coming to rescue me. The next thing I knew I'd already cut myself and I was trying to make Buffy rescue me again."

"Ah, Niblet. You spent to much of your time with a crazy vampire when you were young" Spike said to Dawn sadly. "You've gone an done the same kind of bloody nonsense I would have done, and I know your to smart of a girl for that. Promise me you'll never do yourself harm again."

Dawn sat in Spikes lap with his arms wrapped around her and thought about her answer. After a full minute or more she looked into his eyes and told him the truth. "Spike, I can't make that kind of promise. First off, if I had to fight and die to save one of my friends, or the world, I'd do it. You'd do it too, and so would Buffy. There's no point in arguing about that, that's just the way we are. Second, if it came to giving up my life to save you or Buffy, I'd do that too. You and Buffy are the most important people in the world to me. If I had to die to save either one of you, I'd do it. You and Buffy have both already died for me, do you really think that I would do any less for you?"

After a brief pause, Spike let out a sigh and said quietly. "No Niblet, I don't think you would. But if your going to go around fighting windmills, promise that you'll at least think it through before you do something too bloody foolish. It would truly destroy me if you were to come to harm because of me."

Dawn replied quickly. "I'll make you a deal. You stop doing things to hurt yourself and come talk to me instead. I won't do anything foolish to save you from harm unless there isn't any other choice."

Spike was about to agree, then hesitated. "The wording on that last sentence of yours is a bit ify, don't you think, Bit?"

Dawn gave Spike a big smile. "Can't blame a girl for trying."

Spike returned her smile and told her "No blame given, Love. Why don't we both just promise to love and take care for each other, and try not to do foolish things, and see how that works out."

"That's a promise I can keep" Dawn replied sincerely.

After a few more moments of holding on to each other, Dawn lifted her head from his shoulder and looked up at Spike. "After what Buffy almost did, Giles was ready to lock her up in a hospital again. But Buffy swore to Giles and me, and to her psychiatrist, that she hadn't really been trying to kill herself. She told us that the guru, or whatever he was, that ran the web site on meditation she'd been going to, claimed that if a person could reach a certain 'higher level' of meditation it would be possible for them to leave their body and communicate with the spirits of the dead. Buffy told us that she was trying to find you, out in the spirit world, and be with you. She told us that she'd thought that if she couldn't be with you in the real world that maybe she could spend time with you in the spirit world."

The look on Spikes face was at first puzzled. But as he thought the situation through he realized the danger that Buffy had put herself in. Meditating deeply enough to induce an out of body experience, without a very strong anchor to the real world, she could have been lost forever.

Seeing that Spike had figured it out, Dawn continued speaking again. "See, that's the big problem now. Buffy wasn't trying to kill herself, she was trying to find you, in the spirit world. But what she actually ended up learning to do was to leave her body. Buffys body might be immortal, but if she could leave it behind, just fade away, she'd be gone. So it's been sort of like Pandora's Box for the last two years. Once the secrets out, you can't put it back. Once Buffy learned how to meditate herself to a certain state, it's become easier and easier for her to get there. We watch her all the time now, me, Giles and Willow. We even have some of the witch's from the Coven and some senior slayers helping out. It still takes time for Buffy to meditate herself to a deep enough place to slip away, and we can break her meditation by throwing cold water in her face. But every time she does it, it takes less and less time." Dawn let out a long sigh of breath and her shoulders slumped, as if she were very tired, or feeling very helpless. "Spike, we really don't think Buffy is trying to kill herself anymore. We've all talked to her till we've turned blue, telling her we love her and that we need her to stay with us. But, sometimes she just seems to slip away, without even thinking about it. The last time she did it she was at the Counsel reading some reports and just faded out. If it hadn't been for one of the witch's walking in on her, we could have lost her."

Dawn could see and feel how troubling this information was to Spike. She was still sitting in his lap and her face was less that a foot away from his. His eyes had dilated and she could read the fear in them. The arm he had around her waist had tightened it's hold to the point of being painful, and the hand that had been resting on her thigh was gripping her so tightly that she knew there would be a bruise later. But Dawn didn't flinch from the pain or try to pull away.

"Last night we almost lost her again. Joy saved her, twice." Dawns words were like a blow to Spike. He flinched so hard he slammed his head against the wall behind him. He also tightened his grip on Dawn, which finally was more than she could take and a moan of pain escaped her lips. The realization that he had just hurt Dawn snapped Spike out of his mental funk and he was overwhelmed with shame and remorse. He tried to break his contact with Dawn, to move her out of his lap. But Dawn held on to him tightly and wouldn't let him.

"Spike, it's okay, I'm alright," Dawn told him forcefully "just listen to me." When she was certain that he was paying attention, she continued. "Last night, when you told Buffy that she didn't love you and ran off, she collapsed on the floor. She was so hurt, so full of pain, that she started to slip away. Dawn felt her pain and was able to stop it and bring her back. I think that's why Joy set up the situation where Buffy could hear what you were saying to me. Joy knew that Buffy needed to understand what you felt was true and she knew that you couldn't tell her. Later, after you ran off again, Joy was able to keep Buffy calm and got her to go back upstairs. She seemed to be doing okay. Joy had told her that she would fix it so that the two of you could talk to each other, that she'd get a chance to talk to you. I don't really know what happened, I was downstairs with some of the girls helping them out, when Kar-Hool and Joy brought her down and put her in your room to rest. Giles said that she'd been talking to Kar-Hool, Anne and Joy. When Kar-Hool started crying, for some reason, Buffy just faded out real fast. If Joy hadn't been there, she might have been gone for good. That was about an hour before you tried to take a walk in the sun and Buffy had to stop you. After that she was with you, talking, telling you her side of things, telling you she loved you. Then you ran off again. Joy has been with Buffy ever since, keeping her from slipping away. That's when I came looking for you."

Dawn was still sitting in Spikes lap and was holding on to his jacket tightly. Her face was just inch's away from Spikes and she could see the pain he was feeling in his eyes. "Spike, I don't understand why you won't believe Buffy when she tells you that she loves you. I really don't. But, if you won't believe Buffy, believe me. Buffy loves you." When she said these last three words, a tear broke loose from Spikes right eye and ran down his face. "When you died at the Hellmouth, Buffy grieved for you Spike. She cried every night for months grieving for you. She told me that the reason your dying hurt her so much was that when she finally told you that she loved you, you didn't believe her. That was when she first told me about the two of you and how much she had hurt you. How she had never told you how she felt about you until it was too late. But, everyone else was telling her that it was time for her to move on with her life. Giles told her that if you had given your life so that she could live, the least she could do is live the life you gave her. So Buffy pretended that she was better and she pretended that she was happy and she pretended that she had gotten over you and she pretended and pretended. But it wasn't true Spike. She hadn't gotten over you, she wasn't happy, it was all a lie."

Dawn watched more silent tears run down Spikes face and it hurt her to see them. "When Buffy found out you were alive, she tried to get to you as fast as she could, but she was to late. The fight with the S.P's was over and apparently you were dead again. That's when Buffy broke Spike. Finding out that you had come back to life and hadn't let her know, she broke. She couldn't live with it Spike. She couldn't live with the thought that you had come back, and didn't love her anymore. But somehow, someway, she convinced herself that you had only stayed away from her because you did love her. I think it was your poems that did it, the ones we found in your room. She could tell that a lot of them were old, but there were a lot of new ones too. She convinced herself that Angel was the reason that you'd never let her know you were alive. She blamed Angel, but she also blamed herself."

The tears had continued to flow silently from Spikes eyes and run down his face. When he bent his head and sobbed, Dawns heart felt as if someone was squeezing it to the point of bursting. "For seven years she's been grieving openly for you Spike. She stopped trying to hide it from others. She doesn't care who knows that she loved you. For seven years she's wanted to die so that she could be with you. To prove to you that she did, and still does, love you. Up until a day and a half ago she thought you were dead and that it was her immortality that was keeping the two of you apart. Giles didn't even tell her the truth until he already had her on the plane coming here. He was afraid she'd run off blindly trying to find you, to be with you. But ever since she found out that you've been alive all this time, she can't get it out of her head that maybe you don't love her anymore. She can't live with that Spike. She can't live with the idea that you don't love her. She wanted to die to be with you. If you don't love her, she doesn't want to be alive without you. Right now the only thing that's keeping her anchored is Joy. Spike, I know you still love Buffy, I know you do. But if you don't tell Buffy that you love her, if you don't let her know soon, I don't know how long Joy can keep her from fading away." 

(03/20/05)

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	36. Reunions 36

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Reunions / Part 36

Spike sat with Dawn still in his lap, his head bent as silent tears ran down his face. Confusing thoughts raced through his mind, thoughts that hurt beyond measure, thoughts that urged the fragile seed of hope to grow. Thoughts of his willingness to do anything for Buffy, to die for her, to stay away from her, to do whatever would make her life happy.

He thought of those last moments in the Hellmouth as the amulet burned him to ashes and brought the whole of Sunnydale crashing down. How he had laughed with joy at the thought that 'this time' he had saved her, 'this time' Buffy would live. He thought of his sudden return, as a ghost, in Angels office. Of his inability to contact or go to Buffy, his feelings of helplessness. Thoughts of Angel refusing to help him, refusing to help Spike intrude into Buffys life again, to spoil her chance at happiness. The memory of regaining his physical body, how he had grabbed hold of the first person available, Harmony, and attempted to have sex with her, to feel alive again. The shame and remorse that had flooded through him later, feeling that he had betrayed Buffy by his actions.

Remembering how he had battled inside himself, wanting to go to her, be with her, mixed with thoughts of despair, thinking that having died for her, to give her a chance to be happy, how could he step back into her life and bring her pain. The memory of Andrew telling him that Buffy was living in Rome and had moved on with her life, without him, and that she was happy. Going to Rome with Angel and seeing Buffy at a distance, seeing how happy she seemed to be with her new life, without him. His decision to do what was right, not what he wanted, to stay away and not let Buffy know he was back. Making Andrew promise not to tell her, to keep the secret, to not hurt Buffy again.

The memory of learning from Mar-Hool, after the battle with the S.P's demon army, as he was being healed, that his soul was gone, had been burned out of him by the amulet at the Hellmouth. Confusion over why he hadn't even realized it was gone. Certain knowledge that 'now' he could never let Buffy know he was alive, without a soul, without a chip, without redemption. His vow to himself to never betray Buffy again, her belief that he could be a good man, even though he wasn't a man, just a soulless monster. Holding on to his feelings of shame, guilt, and remorse. Using them in place of a soul, to guide him to do right, to do good, to not be just a soulless monster ever again.

The memory of his early days with Tyron, helping to save the children, the homeless, the helpless. Helping to save them from the monsters in the night, monsters like him. Doing everything he could, to make up for his past sins. Defending the helpless, the innocent, those in need, human or demon alike. Trying every day to be a good man, to do what was right. Slowly making friends, with humans and demons, using these friendships to build up a network of mutual friendship between them. Finding Joy. Finding trust, acceptance, love. Letting himself love Joy, his children, his friends. Learning to build a new life, without Buffy.

But always with Buffy in his heart and his mind. Using thoughts of her to guide him to do what was right, in place of a soul. Using his guilt, shame, and remorse over what he had tried to do to her, how he had hurt her, as a way to strengthen himself against the evil he knew was inside of him. Always trying to do the right thing. Always feeling he could have, should have, done better, done more. Always trying to be what Buffy had wanted him to be, a good man.

For seven years, eight if you counted time from the destruction of the Hellmouth, he had tried to do what was right, for Buffy. Not always what he wanted to do, but what was right. Every day he'd thought of her. Thought of the times he had spent with her, both good and bad, and how those moments had made his unlife worth living. Every day he thought of the horror of those few minutes in her bathroom, what he tried to do, how he had hurt her. Every day he thought of those last weeks together. Trying to be there for her, to give her his support, his strength, his soul, trying to make amends. Confessing his continued love for her, but telling her he didn't expect anything from her in return. Seeing her with Angel, finally accepting the futility of hope. Spending that last night with her, accepting her gift of letting him love her for a final moment. Hearing her say she loved him as he burned within, knowing it wasn't true, that it was just a final gesture. Telling her he knew it wasn't true, but thanking her for saying it. Not wanting to die with a lie of hope in his heart. Not wanting Buffy to remember that their final moment together was a lie. Every day he thought about how Buffy had moved on with her life, had found happiness, was living the life she had always wanted. Every day, every month, every year that went by, the thought of her being happy gave him the strength to go on, the courage to continue with his determination to keep his return a secret. Every day his love for her had remained a constant within his heart.

Now, everything was different, and he didn't know how to deal with the changes. Learning from Willow that Buffy had grieved for him after the Hellmouth had actually brought a slight sense of happiness to his heart. Happiness from the thought that she'd had some feelings for him. But learning from Dawn of the depth of her grief and that she had felt compelled to hide it, to pretend to be happy for her friends, that tore at his heart.

Learning from Dawn that while he lay deep below the surface in the caves of the Hool, protected by strong magic spells against detection, Buffy had driven herself and all those with her to search the city for him. Months after his injuries, when he was again able to return to the surface, he had been told that a search had taken place for him after the battle. He had always assumed that it was the minions of the Senior Partners that had searched for him. The thought that Buffy would search for him, or that Rupert Giles would allow so many others to help in the search, had never crossed his mind.

Having Dawn tell him of Buffy's grief, depression and suicide attempts was beyond his ability to understand. Being told of her open admission of love for him was beyond his ability to believe. Buffy had never openly admitted to having any feelings for him, and now he was suppose to believe that after his apparent death she wanted to die to be with him. None of this made any sense to Spike. For him to behave in such a way, that he could understand. God knows that after Buffys death, if it hadn't been for Dawn and his promise to protect her, he would have walked into the sun. But to hear that Buffy had acted in a similar manner was beyond comprehension. Now Dawn tells him that if he doesn't love Buffy, if he doesn't let Buffy love him, she will let herself fade away, die.

It's to much, to much, to much. Loving Buffy had always been the easiest, and the hardest, thing for him to do. The memory of his first dream about Buffy, the dream where he first realized he was in love with her, flashed through his mind. From that day on his life had changed so much, he'd changed so much. Memories of the thousand and one things about her that made him love her so much paraded through his mind. The laugh, the smile, a tear, the lost look in her eyes. So many things that made him love her. These thoughts were followed by memories of her anger, her hate, the abuse, the rejection of his feelings, of his love for her. But all these memories, both the good and the bad, were all part of the whole memory of Buffy, the Buffy he loved and would always love, until the end of the world.

Thoughts of the years he'd stayed hidden from her, not wanting her to know he was alive, or undead, marched forward. Thinking that she had moved on with her life and that she was happy, that's how he'd survived these past years. Now being told that she hadn't been happy, that she hadn't moved on with her life, that she had been depressed and suicidal, that she had wanted to die, and that it was all his fault.

No, not fair, no one had said it was his fault. No one had blamed him. But no one had told him the truth either. Dawn had wanted to, but he hadn't let her. The others hadn't wanted him to know, they wanted their secrets. No, not fair, he'd heard them talking, they'd said the secrets were Buffy's, not theirs to tell. What would Buffy think when she found out he knew? What if she hadn't wanted him to know? She hadn't said anything to him about it. Of course he hadn't given her a chance to either, he'd run away from her again, he'd hurt her again. God, what should he do? What could he do? Was there even a choice?

Dawn had sat in Spikes lap staying quiet. She'd watched the tears run down his face and drip down onto his chest. She'd wanted to say something, do something, to sooth him, to make him feel better, but she didn't know what. Dumping everything on him all at once hadn't been fair and she knew it. But what choice had she had? Spike had to know the truth or Buffy was going to die. Dawn knew that Spike loved Buffy and she knew that Buffy loved Spike. Why couldn't the two of them realize it and just get on with loving each other? God, loving someone the way the two of them loved each other was so painful. The thought flashed through her mind that she hoped she never loved anyone that much, it would kill her. This thought was immediately followed by the realization that the first thought was a lie. More than anything she hoped that someday she would meet someone who would love her as much as Spike loved Buffy and that she would have the chance to return that love in the same way.

After the tears had stopped and Spike had continued to stare down at nothing, Dawn became concerned that he was brooding. Brooding as far as Dawn was concerned was really bad for vampires, with or without souls. She also realized that it was getting late and that she had been away from Buffy for to long. Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly helped her to stay calm and focus. "Spike, what time is it" she asked quietly?

Spike lifted his head and looked at Dawn, his eyes slightly out of focus. It took him several moments to bring things back together and process her question. Tilting his head to one side he looked over at the open doorway leading outside and thought for a few moments. "Getting toward noon I'd think" his voice a raspy whisper.

"We'd better go then" Dawn said as she lifted her hand and gently brushed her fingers across the side of his face. "We need to get back. I forgot to tell you, Kar-Hool wanted me to remind you, his father is due soon."

"Oh? Yeah, Mar-Hool. Kind of slipped my mind with everything else going on" Spike said, his voice still a little raspy. "Wouldn't be right to insult him, not being there, he's a good one."

Spike gave Dawn help getting out of his lap and standing up, she in return gave him a hand getting to his feet. Both of them stood there for a few moments feeling a little wobbly on their feet. Dawn walked over to the door leading outside and closed it, locking it. Spike waited for her at the doorway leading out into the warehouse. As soon as they were together Dawn slipped one arm around his waist. Spike raised his arm and wrapped it around her shoulder. Together, hip to hip, they walked back into the warehouse, back to rejoin the others.

After just a minute or so, Spike looked over to Dawn with an open question in his eyes. He gave her shoulder a squeeze to draw her attention and when she looked over at him, he asked in a serious tone of voice "Niblet, tell me, why the stake?"

Dawn blushed a dark red and hung her head to hide her face. In a hesitant voice she replied "Cause I'm stupid."

Dawn realized that wasn't an honest answer and lifting her head she looked over at Spike with a crooked smile of embarrassment, then told him the truth. "Spike, I'm not stupid. I've got a double masters degree from Oxford and I'm working on my Ph.D.. I'm fluent in a dozen dead and modern languages, both human and demon, and I'm near fluent in a dozen more. But whenever I'm around you it seems like I'm fourteen again and I do stupid things." Dawn looked into Spikes eyes and could read in them that he excepted what she'd said, but wanted the rest of the answer. "I don't know why, but somehow I got it in my head that I needed to have a stake in my hand when I talked to you. It wasn't to hurt you, honest." Dawn could see that Spike believed her. "It was more like I thought that I'd have to threaten you to make you talk to me. But I wouldn't have used it Spike, never." Letting out a big sigh, Dawn continued "So, like I said, sometimes I'm just stupid, and I don't know why."

They walked on for another minute before Spike finally spoke. "It's because of Buffy, and the comfort zone." Dawn looked over at Spike with a puzzled look on her face, clearly not understanding. Spike stopped and dropping his arm from around Dawns shoulder he moved in front of her and took both of her hand into his. He then took a deep breath and explained as he looked into Dawn eyes. "You know I love you, right?" Dawn nodded her head "and you love me. You also know that I love Buffy, more than life itself." When Dawn nodded her head in agreement again, Spike continued with his explanation. "So we found a comfort zone. A place where it's alright for us to love each other. When I look at you, I don't see you as a gorgeous young woman that under any other circumstances might tempt me to the steamy side of my nature, I see my Niblet, the fourteen year old girl I took care of one summer and learned to love like a sister. When you look at me, you see this romantically handsome bloke with a Big Bad attitude that's in love with your sister and treats you like a person instead of a little girl, and that you think of as a big brother."

"More like a big bother" Dawn snarked back. Spikes let himself slip into a frown, but his eyes were happy, so Dawn knew she hadn't really hurt his feelings.

"See, that's what I'm talking about, Bit" Spike said with a smile on his face. "We've got this safe place between us that makes it alright for us to love each other, our comfort zone."

"Okay, I can see what your saying and your probably right" Dawn said with a thoughtful look on her face. "But it still doesn't explain why I keep acting like an idiot around you."

"Not like an idiot, Love. Like a fourteen year old girl" Spike said as he gave both of Dawns hands a reassuring squeeze. "We've been apart so long that we just slipped back into our old comfort zone, that's all. Once we find a new one, with you being all grown up and womanly and me not so much the Big Bad with an attitude, we'll be fine again."

Dawn thought about what Spike had said for a few moments and then asked, "Do we have to give it all up? The snarks, the attitude, teaching me how to cheat at cards, hotwiring cars, shoplifting, breaking and entering, the fun things?"

"I hope you never told Buffy about that stuff, that'd be reason enough for her to stake me" Spike said with a crooked grin on his face.

"No, I never told her, but I did teach her how to cheat at cards" Dawn said with a big smile on her face. "So if you ever play with her, you've been warned." 

(03/25/05)

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	37. Reunions 37

Reunions / Part 37

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Reunions / Part 37

Spike led Dawn back to his living quarters by a way known to only him and his children. Through a hidden trapdoor, down a ladder, through a dark passageway with walls so close together they had to move sideways, and out of a hidden door that led into a small room that connected to the area set up as a wash room. Coming through the back door of the living area they found that a number of his children were present, still getting dressed for the party to come. When the children saw Spike, all of them present stopped what they were doing and moved over to him to see if he was alright. Rumors had been passed around about how upset he had been earlier in the night and that morning. They all wanted assurances that he was unharmed.

As Dawn stood a little to the back watching, Spikes adopted children of the streets gathered around him. The younger children moved in closest, needing to touch him to be certain he was alright. Spike knelt down on his knees and touched a cheek, brushed his fingers through hair, gave a hug or a kiss, whatever the individual child needed for reassurance. He spoke to them quietly, speaking their names or calling them pet or love, smiling, laughing, for some making faces, whatever the child needed. For some of these children Spike was the only parent they remembered. For others he was the only one they wanted to remember. The love he gave to them as a group, and individually, made them feel safe.

Dawn watched Spike as he interacted with the children and marveled, not for the first time, at how at ease he was with them, and they with him. Memories of that summer after Buffy died on the tower came back to her. How everyone else, Willow, Tara, Xander and even Giles, had given her hugs and easy reassurances that everything would be fine, that she would be safe. Spike had barely spoken to her when the others were around, but always he kept his eyes on her, watching over her. It was only when they were alone that he let his guard down, a little, letting her see the concern for her in his eyes. Spike could see the pain she was feeling over the loss of Buffy, and she could recognize the same pain in him, but they didn't talk about it.

Day by day the tension between them held, until the night a week after Buffys death, when Dawn woke up screaming and crying. Spike had apparently been outside when he heard the scream. In less than a minute he had climbed up the side of house and had entered her room through the window. Before Willow and Tara could get out of bed and down the hall to Dawns room, Spike was holding Dawn in his arms, speaking softly, making soothing sounds, letting her cry her heart out. When Willow had opened the door and saw Spike holding Dawn she had frozen. At first it was shock, followed by fear. It was only when Spike had turned his face toward her that she had seen the tears running down his face. Tara had seen the tears too, and before Willow could enter the room, Tara had pulled her back and closed the door behind them.

The next morning when they opened the door quietly, they saw Spike kneeling on the floor next to Dawns bed. His upper body was splayed across the bed, he was sleeping, but Dawns hand was held protectively in his. When Tara saw that Dawn was awake and continued to hold Spikes hand, as if she were now soothing him, protecting him, she made Willow leave the room without disturbing the two of them. After that night the two of them had grown closer and closer. Dawn could turn to Tara for the soft, warm, mothering kind of attention that she needed at times, but it was Spike who made her feel safe.

Dawn understood how important feeling safe was to a child. Watching Spike with his children, the way his attention to each of them made them feel loved and protected, feel safe, was clearly written on the faces of all of them. Even now, as a grown woman, being with Spike gave Dawn a feeling of safety that no one else could give to her. Dawn knew that Buffy would do anything for her to keep her safe, even die for her. But knowing that someone would die for you didn't always make you feel safe.

With a sigh Dawn walked away from Spike and his children and entered his little room. Once inside she found her black and red silk corset, and stripping off her cutoff t-shirt, she put it on. Finding her comb and make-up case she quickly ran the comb through her hair and put on fresh lipstick. She then tied the red sash around her waist, put on her leather bolero jacket and as a final touch she clipped the red streaming ribbons to her hair. When she exited the room she was dressed the same as the first night that she had come to see Spike, like a sexy pirate girl from an old movie.

As Dawn approached Spike she could see that all of the younger children were back to getting dressed and ready for the party. Several of the older kid, the ones who stood guard and fought alongside Spike, were standing with him talking. Just as Dawn got close, one of the girls, Linda, pulled up the front of her shirt and started pealing what looked like a large bandage off her stomach. But it wasn't a bandage. Instead it was a pouch with a bag of blood inside of it. Not having any electricity anywhere in the warehouse for a microwave, the older kids would carry the blood that Spike needed for food taped to their stomachs to bring the blood up to body temperature. Dawn knew instinctively that Spike had never asked his children to do this for him. She also knew that the children did it out of love for him. A second girl, Rosa, had a mug ready and a pair of scissors. As soon as the blood pack was out of the pouch, Rosa clipped off a corner of the pack and Linda poured the blood into the mug Rosa was holding. Once all the blood was in the mug, Rosa handed it to Spike and he didn't hesitate to start drinking it.

Realizing that this was the first time that she'd seen Spike drinking blood in the past three days, and seeing how at ease he was as he drank the blood in front of his children, brought back memories to Dawn. She remembered how Spike had avoided drinking blood in front of her until the time she had asked him to let her taste it. She'd only taken a small sip and had made faces and acted all grossed out about it, but after that he drank his blood in front of her. She'd still acted grossed out at times and he would sometimes make faces and smack his lips, but both of them had known that she hadn't really minded about the blood.

It was only after he'd come back with a soul that he'd refused to drink blood in front of her. Of course a big part of his reluctance back then had been because she had been mad at him and he didn't want to give her more reasons to be upset with him. Thinking about that time made Dawn feel sad. Mainly the sadness was due to the way she had treated him back then, but also because of the wall that had been built up between them. Dawn could never think of those days without regret. But things were better now, between her and Spike. He knew she loved him now, so nothing was going to come between them again. As she watched, Linda walked over to a cooler that Dawn hadn't noticed before. Opening the cooler, Linda retrieved a fresh packet of blood and after putting it inside the pouch she lifted her shirt and retaped the pouch to her stomach.

Dawn stepped up next to Linda and hesitantly asked, "Could I carry one of those too, for Spike?"

Linda hesitated for a moment, then squatting down she picked up a spare pouch from the floor and taking a pack of blood out of the cooler she put the pack inside the pouch and handed it to Dawn. "It's only pigs blood, and we can only carry it like this for a day before it goes bad. But he likes it better this way, warm I mean. He'll drink it cold, but it really tastes icky that way."

Dawn smiled at Linda as she sucked in her stomach and stuffed the pouch up under the front of her corset. The cold blood pack made her skin rise up with goose bumps, but after a few moments she got use to it. "Yeah, I know, about him liking it warm I mean. I use to fix it for him, when he use to take care of me, when I was younger. Sixty second on half power in the microwave was perfect. He use to like a little burba weed mixed with it, said it made it all hot and spicy, taste better. If you don't have any, maybe I could get some from Willow?"

A smile immediately spread across Linda's lips and her eyes lit up. "Yeah, really? That'd be great" she said. Linda pursed her lips and crinkled her nose as a memory crossed her mind. "I tried it once, tasted the blood I mean, just to see what it was like, it was gross."

Dawn smiled at her before speaking, "Yeah, me too."

The girls smiled at each other as they shared a memory of something that they had both experienced and at the same time they both said "Yuck" and broke out into laughter.

When Spike first fled the room Buffy was in he'd immediately been blocked from leaving the larger living area by Joy. Instead of trying to move around her, he'd scooped her up in his arms, thinking of taking her with him. As soon as she was in his arms she sent the information into his mind that the others were now aware that he was soulless. He paused briefly at the doorway and looking over at them could see the shock that was still on their faces. As he looked at Dawn a stab of pain passed through him. He stepped through the doorway and started hurriedly down the hallway, not knowing where he was going, just needing to get away.

Joy had been trying to calm him and speak to him inside his mind, but his emotions were in such a state of turmoil that she couldn't reach him. In desperation she finally had to force her way and shout inside his mind, FATHER, STOP!

Spike had immediately come to a halt. His mind was still in turmoil, but Joy had broken through. She needs me Father. She is filled with pain. I have to go to her. Father, let me help her.

A wave of guilt washed over Spike and tears came to his eyes. Once again he had hurt Buffy. Once again he had brought pain into her life. So much pain that Joy felt compelled to go to her to help her. More waves of guilt washed over him as his tears broke free and ran down his face. He gently set Joy down on her feet and turning started to walk away. Inside his mind he heard Father, she needs you too! But the guilt was to great and he broke into a run.

When Joy reentered the room, Buffy was on her knees crying and Dawn was holding her in her arms trying to sooth her. She paused for a moment to study the others gathered around Buffy. She could sense the love and concern of the others as they stood helplessly watching Buffy cry.

The oldest one, 'Giles', the one that felt like 'Father' inside the minds of the others, was barely holding on to himself. His fear of losing his 'Beloved Daughter' was screaming inside his mind. The love he felt for her was so strong, so much a part of his life, that Joy could feel that if Buffy were to die he would be broken. She could feel that his will to live was linked to Buffys life. That without her in his life he felt he would have no purpose or reason to go on. Even this 'Counsil' that was so much a part of his life would not be enough, not without Buffy.

The dark haired woman, the one named 'Faith'. Joy could feel that there was a dark place inside her, one filled with pain and remorse, a need for absolution. The bond of love between her and Buffy felt like 'Sisters', but her need for 'forgiveness' made her afraid to voice such a claim, she felt 'unworthy' of Buffys love. She did not understand that Buffy had forgiven her long ago, without exception. Faith needed Buffy as much as she needed the man who loved her, Buffy was the light to the path she followed, the man helped her to follow the path.

The black man, named 'Robin', his feelings for Buffy were strong, but it was the love of a 'Friend'. His true love was reserved for Faith. His greatest concern was for what the death of Buffy would do to the one he loved. His greatest need was to protect Faith from the darkness that the death and loss of Buffy could bring back into her life. Faith had traveled the road to darkness once and had nearly lost herself, his need was to protect her from that road again.

The tall man, named 'Xander', his love for Buffy was strong, it pulsed like the beating of his heart. The bond of love between them felt like 'Sister/Friend', but more than that too. There was a link between them, as if their lives were tied together. There was confusion also, he could see and feel the fear of the others, but didn't know why it was there. He could feel Buffys pain and felt pain of his own for her in his heart. He did not seem to understand that Buffy could fade away. He did not know her 'secret'.

The witch, the one named 'Willow', her love for Buffy was like a bright burning flame. The bond of love between them felt like 'Sister/Friend', but again, much more than that. The link between them was strong, very strong, their lives were closely tied together. Joy could feel the need within her to 'fix' things for Buffy, but the understanding that she could not do so. Joy could sense the 'guilt' that hovered at the back of Willows mind, she had tried to fix things in the past, only to make things worse. But her feelings of 'helplessness' was fueling a growing level of distress within her.

The one named 'Dawn', her bond of love to Buffy was the strongest, and the most complex, it felt like 'Mother/Sister/Daughter'. Every breath she took fueled the love in her heart. Every beat of her heart made the bond between them grow. Every moment in time made the link between them stronger. Dawn could not imagine her life without Buffy in it, nor did she want to, not again. Dawn and Buffy were tied together by a love for each other that was so strong that Joy could sense that it was the link between them that was keeping Buffy from letting go of her life force. 

Kar-Hool was also in the room and Joy could read his concern for Buffy. He did not know her, they were not friends, but his concern was real. Kar-Hool knew of the love his 'Brother' felt for Buffy and was greatly concerned about what her possible death would do to him.

Joy walked around the group with none of them being aware of her presence. She studied all of them, looking for their strengths and weaknesses. Focusing her will she opened her mind and was able to see the links that tied all of these people together. They were like colored strings that reached out from each of them to each other and tied them all into a web that was linked back to Buffy. She then moved behind Buffy and placed one hand on her back, directly behind her heart, the other hand on her head. From this position she could now see the strings of golden light that reached out from Buffy to all those she loved. Focusing her will again, she started drawing the love and desire for Buffy to live from everyone in the web into Buffy, giving to her the love she needed and reinforcing her own desire to live. The amazing part of this process was that the more love and desire to live that Buffy drew into herself from those she loved, the more love and peace of mind she fed back out to those she loved. They all seemed to grow stronger and more stable, no one was diminished by this sharing. Once Joy was confident that Buffy was strong enough to resist fading away on her own, she relaxed her will and let things return to normal. It was only then that the others became aware of her presence.

Willow was the first to notice Joy and understand what she had just done for all of them. She could see that Buffy had stopped crying and that she was calmer now. Dawn had kept her hold on Buffy, but was leaning back a little as she gazed at her face. Both of them were smiling at each other. Willow stepped up to them and laid one of her hands gently on one of Buffys arms. Buffy looked up at her and shared her smile with her. The others in the group were soon gathered around them, each of them reaching out to touch Buffy. The links between all of them seemed to grow stronger as they touched.

One of the advantages of what Joy had just done was that she now knew all of them well enough to communicate with them telepathically, just as she could with 'Father' and all the others that she knew well enough. She could read their surface thoughts without prying and could feel their love and relief as they touched Buffy.

Looking up at Willow she caught her eye, then Giles. Speaking inside their minds she said, 'Grandfather', 'Sister', you need to tell 'Brother' of the 'secrets' he does not know. It will make him stronger if he knows of them. Not knowing lessens the strength he carries in his heart. Seeing and feeling their reluctance to leave Buffys side, she smiled at them and spoke inside their minds again. I will stay with 'Mother', she will not be alone. Looking up at them she heard both of them agree to do as she asked. When they approached Xander and tried to lead him out of the room to talk, he was reluctant to leave. Joy touched his mind and spoke to him, 'Brother', please go with them, they need to tell you of important things. I will stay with 'Mother', she will be safe with me. The initial shock of having Joy inside his mind passed quickly for Xander. Looking down at her as she kept her hands on Buffy, Xander knew that Joy would keep Buffy safe. The three of them, Giles, Willow and Xander, turned and left the room to talk.

Joy next turned her attention to Faith and Robin. Speaking inside their minds, she said 'Sister', 'Brother', your family has become worried. I need for you both to go upstairs to reassure them that 'Mother' is alright. Both Faith and Robin accepted Joy speaking to them inside their minds without any problem, both having had similar experiences with Willow in the past. Neither of them even thinking to comment on the reference to Buffy as 'Mother'.

Robin easily understood that with all that had happened this past night the others in their group probably were getting worried about the absence of Buffy. This would be mainly due to the fact that the last they had seen of her she was being carried down below by Kar-Hool, with Joy, Dawn, Giles, Willow, Xander, Faith and Robin following after her, and that was several hours ago. Faith also understood the situation, but she was reluctant to leave. Joy could read the anxiety Faith was feeling at the thought of not being there if Buffy needed her. Reaching out and taking Faiths hand, Joy spoke into her mind 'Mother' will be safe with me 'Sister', I will not let her come to harm. Still feeling the reluctance to leave Buffy in Faiths heart, Joy spoke to her again 'Mother' needs to know that the rest of her family is alright. You can do this for her 'Sister', she trusts you to care for the others as you care for her. As Joy spoke to Faith in her mind, she opened up a link to Buffy that allowed Faith to feel the love and trust that Buffy felt for her. A smile came to Faiths lips and tears of true happiness formed in her eyes.

Faith blinked away her tears, but the smile remained. Kneeling down on the floor next to Buffy and reaching out with one hand to touch her arm, she drew her attention. Faith looked into Buffys eyes and spoke softly "I'll take care of things B, me and Robin. Will go upstairs and make sure everyone knows your okay." Buffy looked back into Faiths eyes and gave her a smile as she spoke, "I know you will Faith", then added "I love you." The smile on Faiths face got bigger and this time the tears escaped her eyes. Standing up and quickly wiping away the tears, Faith grabbed Robins hand and led him from the room, glancing back once to smile at Buffy again as she went out the door.

With Joy calmly giving directions inside her head, Dawn got Buffy on her feet and walked her back to Spikes little room. A small overnight bag that Buffy had packed with a change of cloths had been brought down with her when Kar-Hool and the others had brought Buffy down to Spikes room hours earlier. With Kar-Hool standing outside guarding the door, Dawn and Joy got Buffy to change her cloths to something cleaner. Dawn had left the room for a few minutes to fetch a small plastic pail of warm water so that Buffy could wash her face and hands. Dawn helped comb out Buffys hair and helped her with her make-up. The strain of the past couple of days could still be seen in Buffys eyes, but she looked better than she had looked earlier and gave them both smiles of gratitude.

Stepping out of Spikes little room, Joy started speaking inside the minds of Kar-Hool, Dawn and Buffy. Calmly she asked Dawn to go look for 'Father' and convince him to come back with her. Kar-Hool asked Dawn to remind his 'Brother' that Mar-Hool, High Priest of All the Hool, Clan Chief of the Hool-Mar, and also Kar-Hools father, would be arriving soon and Spike was needed to greet him on his arrival. Joy assured Dawn that she would care for Buffy and that Kar-Hool would keep them both safe until 'Father' returned. Buffy had listened to both Joy and Kar-Hool and understood that Dawn was going to look for Spike. Taking one of Dawns hands Buffy quietly asked Dawn to find Spike and to convince him to come back and talk to her. Dawn gave Buffy a hug and told her that she would find Spike and tie him up and drag him back to Buffy if she had too. Buffy knew that Dawn was only teasing her and responded with a smile.

Once Dawn left the room Joy could feel the level of distress starting to build inside of Buffy. Taking both of Buffys hands in her hands Joy started sending Buffy calming thoughts. Buffy wasn't certain how long they stood there holding hands and looking into each others eyes, but the sense of security that spread through her reminded her of how she felt when Spike held her in his arms.

When Dawn left Buffy the first place she went was the warehouse area where everyone else was gathered. Arriving there she immediately told Giles and everyone else that gathered around her that Buffy was fine now and would be up to join them shortly. She told them that she was going to go find Spike and bring him back, and that she was going to tell him all of the secrets that had been withheld from him. Giles didn't even hesitate in agreeing with her decision, which made Dawn feel much better about the whole situation and her fears of how Giles and the others were going to react to Spike now that they knew he no longer had a soul.

When Dawn left on her search for Spike, Giles stood for long minutes looking off in the direction she had gone, thinking hard about Spike. Giles inwardly cringed when he thought about his 'Watcher' reaction when Kar-Hool had first called Spike a champion after killing his first slayer. The anger he had felt when he called Spike a murderer for killing a slayer was instinctive and completely inappropriate under the circumstances. The fear that had gripped him when he learned that Spike was soulless was another example. Instinctively he reacted in a way that had him climbing to his feet to go to Buffys assistance. If Dawn hadn't knocked him back to his seat and forced him to think before he reacted there was no telling how much damage he might have done to the whole situation.

Giles knew, deep inside of himself, that Spike was different from all other vampires, even more different than Angel. Angel without a soul was a psychotic monster that would have thought nothing of destroying the world and all the people in it, even if destroying the world would have eventually destroyed himself. Spike without a soul wanted the world to continue, primarily for his own survival, but also for a number of other reasons, not all of them selfish or self-serving. As a soulless vampire Spike had aligned himself with Buffy to defeat Angelus. Granted it was for selfish reasons, but still it was something that no other vampire would have even considered. He had at a later time helped, although reluctantly and again for selfish reasons, to defeat Adam and his demon forces. Giles had admitted to himself much later, and very reluctantly, that if Spike hadn't guarded their backs while they were involved in the spell that gave Buffy the strength to defeat Adam, they all would have died.

When Spike had allowed himself to be tortured by Glory and had still refused to tell her that Dawn was the 'Key' she was looking for, that should have told Giles that there was more to Spike than he had previously acknowledged. But he had refused to accept this fact and had marked it up to 'vampire obsession' with Buffy and had convinced himself that Spike had only done it to win his way into Buffys favor. When Spike had nearly died trying to save Dawn on the tower, Giles mind was so filled with the pain of Buffys death that he had dismissed it without a thought. Even in the months after Buffys death when Spike had fought along side of Giles and the others, protecting them in many cases, Giles had still refused to acknowledge that Spike was behaving far beyond the norm for a soulless vampire. Giles had insisted to himself and to the others that Spikes behavior was only due to his having a 'chip' in his head that prevented him from harming humans. Giles had insisted to himself that Spikes behavior was selfish, that he only helped them so that they would not dust him, and for the money that Giles would sometimes give him. Never once had Giles allowed himself to consider that there were greater depths to Spike, even when he was showing such gentle concern for Dawn. Giles had even convinced himself later that Spike had only shown concern for Dawn in order to worm his way into Buffys heart after she returned to life. That bit of mental contortionism still astounded Giles, how he had been able to twist the facts around until they matched what he wanted to believe.

Of course, when he had later learned that Spike had attempted to rape Buffy, he had felt completely justified in his disregard for any of Spikes previous actions. That one despicable act had conveniently allowed him to dismiss all thoughts of any selfless acts that Spike might have performed previously. Even when he came back to Sunnydale and found out that Spike had returned with a soul, he had still refused to see Spike as anything other than a dangerous threat. When Buffy had rescued Spike from 'The First', Giles had been enraged that Buffy had risked herself to do so. When Buffy had the 'chip' removed from Spikes head to save his life, Giles had further convinced himself that Spikes presence muddled Buffys thinking and endangered all of them, and the world.

Plotting with Robin to kill Spike after that had been easy for Giles to justify to himself, killing Spike would eliminate a dangerous distraction and would force Buffy to focus all of her energies on defeating 'The First'. When Buffy had turned her back on Giles after his attempted murder of Spike, Giles had further convinced himself that Buffy could no longer be trusted to save the world. He had questioned every decision she made after that and had betrayed her once again when he forced her to leave her own home and sent her out into danger all alone. Giles had never been able to forgive himself for what he had done that night, even though Buffy had forgiven him later.

It was only after Spike had sacrificed his own life to destroy the Hellmouth and save the world that Giles had started to question his opinion of Spikes previous behavior. Seeing the grief that Buffy endured after Spikes death had forced him to acknowledge that there had been a true connection between the two of them. Buffys reaction after learning that Spike had apparently died again in L.A. trying to save the world, without ever letting her know that he had returned, had been shattering. Buffys suicide attempts, the journal that she had written, her attempts to free her essence to seek out Spikes soul, her continued despair over the years as she grieved for Spike. All of these factors had had an effect on Giles over the years.

Yet here he was again, having a knee jerk reaction to hearing Spike referred to as a Champion in the 'demon world' after killing his first slayer. Learning that Spike was soulless again, Giles first thought was to rush to Buffys side to protect her from Spike. When would he ever learn that when it came to Spike, with or without a soul, there was something about him that was so fundamentally different from any other vampire that he could 'not' be compared at all. All Giles needed to do was to look around at all the people, both human and demon, that had gathered together this day. Not counting any of the slayers or others that had come with Giles, because none of them had known until just a few minutes previously that Spike was soulless again, all of the others had known for years of his soulless state and still trusted him to a limitless degree. The children that he cared for and protected loved him unquestionably. The human adults that had arrived earlier all knew of Spike soulless state but still they loved and trusted him. Kar-Hool had told them that in the 'demon world' Spike was beloved by many and that even his enemies respected and honored him. That in both the 'demon world' and to the people that truly knew him, Spike was a 'Champion' of the highest regard.

There was so much about the 'demon world' that the Watchers had never even bothered to try to find out about. The Council of Watchers had always held the opinion that 'all' demons were evil because they were soulless, therefore 'none' of them could be trusted. Giles, possibly more than any other Watcher before him, had had interaction with numerous demons over the years and should have known better. Granted that most of the demons that he had come into contact with at the Hellmouth 'were' evil, but still there had been exceptions like Clem. Giles had also learned through contact with both Clem and Anya that there were a number of demons on the Hellmouth that had tried for many years to peacefully coexist with humans.

When Giles had felt the need to defend his inner self over the years he had always blamed his actions on his training as a Watcher and on the pragmatic imperative that the safety of the world came first, even if mistakes were made. On a few occasions when he had allowed himself to search his soul, he had found it much harder to excuse some of his actions. Some of the things he had done when he was young and was known to his friends as 'Ripper' still woke him at night with nightmares. That he had murdered an injured and helpless human, Ben, to prevent the possibility of him ever returning to his goddess state as Glory still haunted his dreams. That he had betrayed Buffys trust on numerous occasions wracked his soul for years whenever he looked at her. It was only due to her forgiving him that he had ever been able to forgive himself.

But now, here he was, faced with a soulless Spike doing things that should be impossible for a soulless vampire to do, and his first reactions had been hatred and fear. Giles knew of Buffys love for Spike and clearly understood that her continued existence in this world might solely depend on a reestablishment of a relationship between the two of them, and here he was, behaving like a complete berk.

Shaking his head slowly from side to side, Giles castigated himself for both his thoughts and actions when Kar-Hool had spoken to them earlier about Spike. Giles resolved to himself that he would keep an iron control on himself and not allow his years as a Watcher nor his own personal biases to control his thoughts or actions from this point on. Giles resolved to let go of his fears and to listen only to his heart, because deep inside his heart he knew that Spike was a 'good man'.

Angel had felt left out when Buffy had been rushed down to the lower levels of Spikes lair. Realistically he had known that the only way that he could have joined the others was if someone had carried him, but still he had resented that no one had even considered the idea. Angel knew that Buffy no longer loved him, at least not like she had in the past. At best she felt a mild regard and limited friendship for him, the love had died when the truth had come out that he had hidden Spikes return after the Hellmouth. For a long time Angel had resented that Buffy blamed him for Spike not contacting her. He had tried to claim that there had been nothing preventing Spike from contacting Buffy on his own. It was only after a couple of years of brooding guilt that he had finally admitted to himself that he had done everything possible to prevent Spike from contacting Buffy. When Spike had come back as a ghost he had forbidden anyone from helping Spike to make any form of contact with Buffy. He had repeatedly told his whole crew that Spike was evil and not to be trusted, that his obsession with Buffy would only bring harm to her. He had also repeated the same kinds of things to Spike at every opportunity. 

Angel had drummed into all of them, Spike included, that Spikes return was mystical and unexplainable. That Spike was returned to Wolfram & Hart, and couldn't leave, had to mean that whatever had brought Spike back was evil. Angel had resented that Fred had devoted so much time and effort to trying to make Spike corporeal again and had been secretly pleased that when Spike had saved Fred's life from Pavayne he had also lost his chance at becoming corporeal again. When Spike had become corporeal through another mystical and unexplainable action, Angel had immediately launched a new campaign to convince him that his return had to be for evil reasons. That any contact with Buffy was certain to be harmful to her and disrupt the normal life she wanted so badly.

What had surprised Angel the most was that Spike had 'not' contacted Buffy. Angel had couched his last campaign by claiming that neither Spike nor Angel deserved Buffy and that both of them could do nothing but bring pain into her life. Angel had repeatedly told Spike to move on with his unlife, like Angel was doing with Nina, and to leave Buffy alone. Angel hadn't known at the time that it was Andrew telling Spike that Buffy was happy in Rome and was happily moving on with her life that had convinced Spike to forego contacting her. When they had gone together to Rome and had seen a happy Buffy dancing with the Immortal, that had been what broke any last hope that Spike might have had of a reconciliation with Buffy. More than anything Spike wanted Buffy to be happy, to live out her life in as normal a way as possible. Even though they both hated the idea of Buffy being with the Immortal, they had both resolved themselves to letting Buffy find her own happiness in her own way, without any interference from either of them.

Angel knew that even now if Buffy found out how hard he had worked at convincing Spike to stay away from her, the fragile friendship that they had reestablished with each other would be shattered. Angel was also coming to the realization that if Spike had stayed away from Buffy all these years because of what he had said to Spike, Buffy would hate him forever. It had only been in the past hour that Angel had heard whispered conversations that gave him any hope that it wasn't anything he had said to Spike that had kept him from contacting Buffy. Because of his vampire hearing he had been able to listen in on several conversations where Spikes soulless state had been discussed. Angel knew better than anyone else that if Spike had stayed away from Buffy because he was soulless, it wasn't because he was afraid he would harm her or that she would dust him. If Spike had stayed away from Buffy because he was soulless it could only have been for one reason, he didn't want to face the loss of trust and the fear he was certain that he would have seen in Buffys eyes when she learned that he had lost his soul. Better than anyone else, including Buffy, Angel knew how proud Spike had been when Buffy had chosen him to be her Champion in the fight against 'The First'. The idea of facing Buffy without his soul was probably the most painful thing that Spike could imagine.

Angel fervently hoped that it was the loss of his soul that had kept Spike away from Buffy for all these years. He truly didn't want to face the consequences of finding out that it was his fault that Spike had stayed away. Angel had long ago reconciled himself to the loss of Buffys love and had learned to live with the loss. Glancing over at Nina, he smiled at her. Angel knew that Nina loved him, and in his own way he loved her. It wasn't a perfect love, there had never been that moment of perfect happiness with her, but that was for the good. Wasn't it? Perfect love, perfect happiness, those were the things that Angel couldn't have in his life and hold on to his soul. With Nina, Angel had what Wesley had called 'acceptable happiness', and that was good enough. Wasn't it?

(12/05)

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	38. Reunions 38

Reunions / Part 38

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Reunions / Part 38

When Joy, Buffy and Kar-Hool entered the warehouse from the lower level, they stopped and looked around. Buffy could see that tables had been set up and were loaded with food and drinks. Most of the people that had come with Anne were either gathered around the tables making last minute adjustments or were interacting with groups of Spikes children. Some of the people that had come with Buffy were also helping at the tables or interacting with some of the children, but most of them were off to one side talking in small groups. The largest single group consisted of Giles, Willow, Xander, Faith, Robin, Andrew and the three witches from the Coven. Angel, Nina and Connor were on the edge of the group, not really a part of it, but not excluded either.

As they entered further into the room, others noticed their arrival. When Anne and two other of the adults that came with her noticed their arrival they smiled in their direction and Anne gave a wave to Joy. Joy waved back at Anne and the others but didn't stop, keeping hold of Buffys hand they continued to walk toward Buffys people. When they stopped on the edge of the largest group, Giles, Willow and Xander all stepped toward Buffy and asked how she was doing, was she alright now, was she feeling better? Buffy told them that she was feeling better now and that everything would work out soon.

When Joy gave Buffys hand a squeeze that drew her attention, Buffy looked down at Joy as they talked to each other inside their minds. Brother needs your forgiveness Mother. He did not mean to hurt you, he was just trying to keep his promise. Buffy smiled at Joy and then released her hand as she took a couple of steps toward Andrew.

Andrew stood there frozen, not knowing what to say or how to say it. There was a touch of fear in his eyes as he met Buffys eyes, but mostly the look in his eyes was of pain and sorrow. Buffy didn't wait for him to say anything, instead she stepped up to him and wrapping her arms around him she gave him a hug as she spoke to him quietly. "It's okay, Andrew, I understand now. It was a promise."

Tears came to Andrews eyes as he returned Buffys hug. "I… I'm sorry Buffy. I didn't mean to hurt you, I swear I didn't. When I saw Spike the first time, he… he made me promise not to tell you he was back. He told me about being a ghost an stuff and that he'd only been solid for a short time and that he needed to sort things out for a time before he contacted you. He … he had this mission, to … to find himself, an… and help the helpless, and he needed to do things, be… before he could tell you he was back. I… I really thought that he was going to do it, you know, like pretty soon, so I promised. When he came to Rome, I … I guess I messed it up then. I told him you were happy and getting on with your life, be… because that was what you were telling all of us back then. When I told him about you dating the Immortal, he… he got all angry and stuff, and I really thought he was going to go out and find you and beat up the Immortal, but he didn't, he just left. I was really thinking about telling you, but, you know, I'd promised. Then everything blew up back here and you already knew he'd come back, and … and I was afraid to tell you that I'd known about it for months, and I'm really really sorry."

"It's okay, Andrew" Buffy said quietly "I know you didn't mean any harm, you were just doing what Spike asked you to do. I'm sorry you told him about the Immortal too, because I know that hurt him, but that was my fault, not yours. I'm not mad at you Andrew, it's okay now."

When Buffy released him Andrew took a half step back and pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped his eyes. Looking at Buffy he said again, "I really am sorry."

Buffy gave Andrew a little smile, even though there was sadness in her eyes. "I know you are Andrew and it really is okay now. But, if Spike ever asks you to make a promise again and it has anything to do with me, just say no, okay? I don't want anymore secrets between Spike and me, never again."

Andrew wiped his eyes again and squaring his shoulders he looked Buffy in the eyes and said "It's a promise, Buffy."

Reaching up and touching the side of Andrew face, Buffy gave him another smile and said "Thank you."

Everyone else had held back waiting for Buffy to have her conversation with Andrew. Once they were certain the conversation was over they moved in around her again. For a few moments Buffy felt closed in and a little overwhelmed, until Joy took her hand. As soon as she joined hands with Joy, Buffy started feeling the love and concern for her from those around her. The feeling of being overwhelmed went away, replaced by feelings of love. Buffy smiled at all of them and told them all that she really was feeling much better now. When Xander asked about Spike, where he was, was he alright, it surprised Buffy. There was nothing in Xanders tone of voice or behavior that reflected any sign of his old dislike for Spike. In fact, because of her contact with Joy, Buffy could feel that Xander was truly concerned. She told them all that she didn't know where Spike was right now, but Dawn was out looking for him and would bring him back.

Willow was the one that asked the question, "Ah, Buffy, how do you know Dawn can bring him back? I don't mean that I don't want him to come back, or anything. But he was pretty upset when he ran away, and he knows that we all know now, about the soul, him not having it anymore."

Buffy could feel through Joy that there wasn't any hostility toward Spike in the people around her and that made her feel much calmer. "Spike might not want to talk to me right now" Buffy said with a slight catch in her voice, "but he won't refuse Dawn when she asks him to come back. I … I don't think Spike will be to worried, about us knowing he doesn't have his soul anymore, not really. Not once anyone has had a chance to think about it. Spike doesn't need a soul to be a good man, all you have to do is look around and you can see it. Besides, Dawn will beat the crap out of anyone that tries to hurt Spike, and seeing how she's my sister, I'd probably have to help her." Buffy smiled at everyone around her as if she were joking, but none of them doubted that if anyone gave Spike a hard time about not having a soul they would have to deal with Dawn and Buffy first. Not that anyone was thinking about giving Spike a hard time. Although when Buffy looked over at Giles he did blush slightly.

Everyone had hesitated, not really knowing what to say after Buffys last statement, when a loud noise distracted all of them. Joy sent a warning to Buffy that more guest were arriving. In a voice loud enough for all the slayers to hear, Buffy called out "Everyone, listen up. Some more of Spike's friends are arriving. Remember, everyone here is invited. We don't want any trouble so everyone relax and keep it cool. Got it?"

When the three demons stepped out of the shadows into the light, if Buffy hadn't been holding Joys hand she might have lost it. As soon as she saw them she almost burst out laughing. They were short, even shorter than Buffy, with narrow shoulders and hips. Their legs and arms were very thin, with tiny hands and feet with no noticeable claws or nails. Their skin was a sort of bluish-green in color and looked kind of bumpy all over. But it was their heads that really squicked Buffy out, it looked like they had a really ugly octopus sitting on their shoulders. They had elongated heads without any hair that looked kind of soft and squishy with a dozen long tentacles hanging down their chests. Two large bulging black eyes were set on opposite sides of their heads that seemed to swivel around independent of each other with little pinpoints of yellow in the center. There was a single slit between the eyes that was probably a nose that opened and closed like a flap as they breathed. There was a V shaped mouth, without any lips, that was almost hidden by the tentacles, that looked like it had a thousand tiny teeth. All of this was disturbing enough, but on top of all that they were wearing neon-hot pink mini dresses. Okay, maybe they weren't dresses, maybe they were formal wear for demons, but they looked like dresses, and who really knew anything about demon fashions anyway. Buffy heard others around her gasp and grinned inwardly that she had been able to control her own reaction.

Joy was the first to react to their presence. She let go of Buffys hand and walked out to meet her guests. She approached them slowly with her opened hands out from her sides, as if to show they were empty of weapons. When she was near, she started making cooing and chirping sounds. The demon that was furthest to the front started chirping and cooing and clicking in response. Joy gave the leader a big smile and moving closer reached out and took both of the demons hands into her own.

As Joy continued to communicate with the demon, Anne had walked up to stand beside Buffy. In a quiet voice she started talking to Buffy and those closest around her. "Their called the Kaquasec and their completely harmless and defenseless. Their really very shy and it took a lot of courage for them to come here today. They owe the lives of their entire clan to Spike, he saved them from extinction a couple of years ago. Their feeding grounds were being taken over by Sharkan demons. Spike acted as their Champion and defended their rights to their feeding grounds. Their very grateful for what he did for them."

Buffy hadn't been with the others when Kar-Hool told them about Spike being a Champion so Anne's comment surprised her. Speaking quietly Buffy asked "What's that mean, Spike acted as their Champion, and why did he do it?"

Anne hesitated for a few moments as she thought about what to say and how to say it. "Buffy, Spike 'is' a Champion, in all the best ways. He's Joy's Champion. He's the Champion of the Child of Light and he's the Champion of the Hool, not just the Hool-Mar, but all the Hool. He's acted as the Champion for more than a dozen other demon clans when they needed him too. Spikes so feared as a Champion that demon wars have been prevented just by him taking sides in a conflict. But why he did it is easy. Spike helps the helpless. If someone needs his help and their not strong enough to defend themselves, then he fights for them, he protects them."

Buffy was still confused about Spike being a Champion and why he would fight for other demons. "Anne, I still don't understand. Why would Spike fight for other demons or want to protect them?"

"Buffy, why do you fight, why do all the slayers fight? You fight to protect humans from the vampires and other demons, and to prevent an apocalypse, right? Well Spike is like a slayer for the demons. He protects the peace between the different demon clans so that their conflicts don't spread out and get the human world involved. You probably didn't know this, but after Angel started his war with the Senior Partners and killed off all the top demons in the Black Thorn, there was a kind of vacuum in the power structure of the demon world here in Los Angeles for awhile. The Black Thorn was evil and all that, but they still controlled most of the demon clans and prevented them from getting out of control in the human world. When Angel destroyed the Black Thorn there wasn't any structure left to hold the demon clans back. That's what Spike has been doing for the past seven years, keeping things from getting out of control."

"For the first couple of years, while the Senior Partners were trying to rebuild here in L.A., Spike was able to keep things from getting to far out of hand. But once the Senior Partners got reorganized they wanted to take back control of the demons in the city. Spike has been working for the past five years to prevent that from happening. See, the way the Senior Partners usually work is to help instigate a conflict between different demon clans and then pick one side and help them destroy the other. That's how they bring different clans under their control. What Spike does is to try to work out the problems between the clans before it turns into a war. If he can't work out the problems peacefully he tries to get the clans to settle their problems the old way, by picking Champions and letting them settle the problem in the demon arena. The Senior Partners don't like that Spike is interfering with their plans, so they've been trying to kill him for the past five years."

Buffy was having mixed feelings about what Anne had been telling her. On one level she was feeling proud of Spike that he was keeping the peace in the city between humans and demons. On another level she was still confused about what it meant for Spike to be a Champion for other demons. And then there was the fear that gripped her heart when she heard that the Senior Partners were trying to kill him.

With her anxiety coming out in her tone of voice, Buffy said "Anne, I still don't understand what your saying about Spike being a Champion for other demons or why that would make the Senior Partners want to kill him?"

Giles had been standing behind Buffy since Anne had first started talking to her. Hearing the anxiety in Buffys voice Giles rested one hand on her shoulder and gave it a light squeeze to let her know that he was there for her. What Anne had said only confirmed some of the things that Kar-Hool had told them earlier, but Buffy hadn't been privy to that conversation. Giles had been introduced to Anne earlier, so he didn't feel to uncomfortable breaking into their conversation. "I'm sorry to intrude Anne, but Buffy hasn't been told of Spikes activities as a Champion nor does she know anything about Joy being the Child of Light and what that means. She was with Spike earlier this morning and didn't hear Kar-Hools brief account. In fact, what you have just told her was in some ways more informative on the whole than what Kar-Hool told us, except that without what Kar-Hool told us, what you have just said is no doubt just confusing her."

Buffy turned her head to look a Giles and gave him a quizzical look. Turning back to Anne, she said "Yeah, what he said. I don't know anything about anything that Spikes been doing, except that he's been fighting vampires and taking care of all these kid. Giles told me earlier that all these kids are orphans and that Spike also protects a lot of homeless people. Other than that I don't know to much. Last night and this morning have been kind of emotional and I spent a lot of it crying."

Anne looked at Buffy and there was a sadness in her eyes, but there was a sound of pride in her voice as she started speaking. "Spike really is a Champion, Buffy, and you really need to be told about all the things he's done. But there isn't time for that right now. Just believe me when I tell you that Spike is a hero to a lot of people, both human and demon. We all love him, and respect him, more than you might think is possible, but it's true."

Buffy listened to Anne, but it was her words "we all love him" that had drawn her attention. Feeling very uncertain about what kind of relationship Anne and Spike might have with each other, her fears seemed to move up into her throat, almost choking off her words. "D… do you … love Spike? Does h… he love …you?"

Anne watched Buffy wrap her arms around herself and seem to almost withdraw inside herself. She could also read the pain and fear inside Buffys eyes. Reaching out she gently clasped one of Buffys arms as she spoke. "I do love him, Buffy, and I know he loves me the same way. But it's not the kind of love your thinking about. Spike is my friend, were like brother and sister. We help each other, we talk, we share our pain, and sometimes we even share our happiness with each other, like today, for Joy's birthday. But, we're not 'in love' with each other. Spike told me a long time ago that he loved someone, and that he would 'love her until the end of the world'. He told me that he stayed out of her life so that she could be 'happy', that he'd never brought her anything but 'pain'. He never said who it was by name, but I think we both know who it was he was talking about. Spike thinks that his past is unforgivable, that what he did to you is unforgivable. He's wrapped himself up in the pain of guilt and remorse, and it's given him the strength to do all the things he's done. He told me that the woman he loved once told him that 'she believed in him', that 'he could be a good man', and that he tried every day not to disappoint her."

The initial pain that came to Buffys heart when Anne said she loved Spike was almost immediately relieved when she said that they were not in love, that they were like a brother and sister. She also felt a small stab of jealousy hearing that they talked with each other and shared both their pain and their happy times with each other. Buffy had missed so much over the years and wished with all her heart that she could have been there to share those times with Spike. She was just starting to breath again when it hit her that Spike had told Anne that he had stayed away from her so that she would be happy and that he thought that he had never brought anything but pain into her life.

Defensive, then guilt laden thoughts filled her mind, Stupid vampire! How could he think that staying away from you would make you happy? How could he think that he had never brought you anything but pain? Maybe because you never told him anything different, huh, Buffy! But I did, I told him I loved him. Yeah, but he didn't believe you, did he?

Tears were already in Buffys eyes, when Anne said that Spike thought his past was unforgivable, the tears broke free and ran down her face. Hearing that his life was filled with pain had her sobbing. When Anne said that everyday Spike tried not to disappoint her because she had once said 'that she believed in him' and that she believed that 'he could be a good man', she sank down to her knees, feeling to weak to stand.

As Buffy sank down to her knees Anne went down on her knees with her, never releasing her light hold on Buffys arm. Reaching out with her other hand she cupped Buffy under her chin and raised her head so that Buffy was looking at her face as she spoke. "I know that Spike loves you, Buffy. I think that, except for Joy, he probably loves you more than anything else in the world. But Spike has convinced himself that you don't, that you can't love him the way he loves you. I think he 'had' to convince himself of that or he could have never stayed away from you. If you love him Buffy, if you truly love him, as much as he truly loves you, then your going to have to convince him of that, and it won't be easy. But if you don't love him, as much as he loves you, don't tell him that you do, don't break his heart again."

Reaching up to wipe the tears from her eyes, Buffy looked at Anne and could see the sincerity in her eyes and on her face. "I do love him, Anne, with all my heart and soul. But how do I make him believe me, he keeps running away from me?"

Anne gave Buffy a small smile, then told her "Spikes not running away from you Buffy, he's running away from himself. He's afraid to let himself believe you, that's all. But don't you stop believing in him Buffy, because you were right all along, he is a good man."

Buffy moved forward and wrapped her arms around Anne, pulling her into a tight hug. "Thank you, Anne. For everything you've done for Spike, and for what you just did for me. Thank you."

(12/25/05)

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	39. Reunions 39

Reunions / Part 39

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Reunions / Part 39

Even though he didn't need to, Spike couldn't stop himself from taking a deep breath as he entered the large open warehouse. Nine of the younger children and two of the older ones preceded him down the hallway. Dawn was on his right, holding his hand tightly, Linda was on his left, not touching him, but when he glanced her way she smiled. Rosa and Jake were behind him for additional support. Spike was feeling apprehensive about entering a room full of Slayers and Watchers that now knew he was soulless. A part of his mind was telling him that he was being a bloody ponce to worry, more than two-thirds of the people present were his children and friends. But, another part of his mind wouldn't stop reminding him that Slayers and Watchers felt it was their sacred duty and destiny to kill soulless vampires on sight. It also kept reminding him that there were a number of people in the room that had hated him in the past and two that had plotted to murder him even when he had a soul.

Because of Joys ability to touch the minds and sense the emotions of others, Spike had felt relatively safe in his previous contacts with Willow, Faith and Woods. But previously they had thought he had a soul. Willows confession that she had come looking for him in the first place to determine if he had a soul or not, and that she had been ready to risk her own life and the lives of her slayers in order to kill him, if he was soulless, kept moving through his thoughts. Could he really trust any of them, besides Dawn? Sure they had given their word not to break the peace, but they'd given their word when they still thought he had a soul. Would they honor their word now that they knew he was soulless? A slight tremor of anxiety passed through his body as he made the final step out into the room where everyone could see that he had arrived.

Dawn had apparently felt the tremor because she gave his hand another hard squeeze before she released it. She then took a step forward to place herself in advance of Spike. Linda, on his left, also took a step forward, while Rosa and Jake moved up beside him. Dawn hadn't planned or discussed her movements with the others, but instinctively the four of them had moved into guarding positions on both of Spikes flanks. Their heads turned and their eyes scanned the room before them looking for any indication of threat.

A half dozen of Spikes older children, and two of the visiting adults that had come with Anne, noticed the defensive positions that Dawn and the others had taken around Spike. Without needing to say a word to each other they walked from where they had been standing and talking to each other and placed themselves around Spike. Others in the room were drawn by the movement of a dozen people and noticed right away that they were flanking Spike in a defensive manner.

The noise in the room, of over a hundred people talking and moving about, ground to a halt. Some of the younger teens, and a few of the women that had come with Anne, started quietly moving the younger children toward the back of the room. All of the older kids and the adults that had come with Anne broke off their conversations with the Slayers that had intermixed with them and started moving toward Spike quietly. The Slayers seemed to be surprised by their actions and for the most part stood where they were, not knowing if there was a danger or not, uncertain if they should move to rejoin the rest of the Slayers and Watchers.

Andrew, who had been talking with two of the boys, sized the situation up quickly and without any noticeable hesitation walked over to Spikes group and took a place standing next to Dawn. Glancing over at Spike, Andrew gave him a tight smile. Spike gave Andrew a slight nod of his head to show his gratitude toward Andrew for his action. The next person that moved toward Spikes group had Spikes eyes opening in amazement. Xander calmly crossed the floor and took up a position standing next to Linda. Looking over at the surprised look on Spikes face, Xander gave him a big smirky grin, then folded his arms across his chest as he looked back across the room at the rest of the Slayers and Watchers.

Spike had noticed Buffys position as soon as he entered the room. Buffy was holding Joys hand and was surrounded by her friends, Anne, Kar-Hool and a Kaquasec demon he recognized as Sh'Tar, the matriarch of the Kaquasec. When the room had suddenly become quiet, Sh'Tar had started glancing around the room nervously. Anne took Sh'Tar's hand to calm her and led her back several yards from Buffys position. Kar-Hool had looked toward Spike and had started to take a step toward him, hesitated, then moved back to stand with Anne and Sh'Tar.

Joy looked up at Buffy, smiled at her, then releasing her hand she turned and started running toward Spike. When she was still about ten feet from him she jumped up into the air. Spike took a step forward and caught Joy around the waist then pulled her against him in a hug. Joy wrapped her legs around Spikes waist and her arms around his neck and started cooing and chirping loudly. Tension seemed to melt out of Spikes shoulders and a smile spread across his face as he cooed back to Joy. A visible wave of relief spread through all those standing around him.

Buffy followed after Joy but stopped about a half dozen feet away from Spike. Looking at him, seeing his love for Joy on his face, seeing the love for him on the faces of his children and friends, Buffy felt her own love for Spike swell inside her chest. Deep inside of her mind, her heart, her soul, Buffy felt all of her love for Spike merge together. As she stood there watching him, smiling at him, she promised herself, and him, that she would do whatever she had to do to prove to him, convince him, that she truly did love him and wanted to be with him, 'until the end of the world'.

Slowly Buffy crossed the last few feet between her and Spike. Stopping in front of him she smiled as he stared at her. Joy twisted in Spikes arms, keeping one arm wrapped around his neck, she leaned out and wrapped her other arm around Buffys neck and pulled her into a hug that brought Buffy tight up against Spike. Hesitantly, Buffy wrapped her arms around both Joy and Spike as she buried her face into his chest and neck. When she felt Spikes arm come up and wrap around her shoulder, pulling her in tighter, a sense of longing, fulfilled, made her whole body shudder with pleasure. When Spike bent his head down and kissed Buffys forehead a flush of desire spread through her body. Blushing a bright shade of red she tried to hide her face against Spikes chest for a few moments, then realizing that she wasn't the least bit ashamed of her desires. Buffy lifted her head so that she could see Spikes face and gave him a smile so filled with love it was stunning.

Looking up into Spikes eyes, Buffy could see that there was still uncertainty, and even fear, still there. She realized that Anne had been right. Buffy would have to convince Spike that she loved him. She would have to tear down the barriers between them, but at the same time being careful not to damage or bring more pain to either of them in the process. To much of their time in the past had been layered with pain. More than anything Buffy wanted to convince Spike that she loved him and that it was safe for him to love her, again.

When Joy had reached out and pulled Buffy by the neck into a three-way hug she had also opened a link to Buffys emotions. It wasn't a link to her thoughts, Joy wasn't sure either of them could deal with the inner insecurities that seemed to fill both of their minds when they were close to each other. It was a link to what Buffy was feeling at the moment as she hesitantly wrapped her arms around both Joy and Spike. Joy let Spike feel what Buffy was feeling, her hesitation, her fear of rejection, but also her overwhelming desire to be no where else but in his arms. When Spike wrapped his arm around Buffy and pulled her in tighter against his chest, Joy let him feel the full force of Buffys joy at being in his arms. She also let him feel the wave of passion and desire that swept through her. He felt the embarrassment that caused Buffy to blush when he kissed her forehead, but he also felt that there was no shame in her reaction. When Buffy lifted her face to look into Spikes eyes, he not only saw the look of love on her face and in her eyes, he felt it too.

What Joy didn't do was to open a link between Spike and Buffy so that she could feel what he was feeling. Joy could read Spikes feelings and while she could sense his deep love for Buffy, she could also sense his fear and uncertainty. 'Father' was afraid to let the full force of his feelings for 'Mother' break free. Joy knew that 'Father' had built strong walls around his feelings for 'Mother'. That these feelings had been buttressed by his feelings of guilt and remorse over the years. 'Father' had convinced himself long ago that staying away from 'Mother' was the only thing he could do to assure that she would be happy. But now that 'Sister' had told him the full truth about 'Mother', he was confused and uncertain. If he didn't allow himself to love 'Mother' she might slip away and die. If he allowed himself to love her again, he was deeply afraid that he would hurt her, and himself, and bring both of them nothing but pain.

Joy wasn't at all certain what to do next. Even though she was very smart, and would one day be a god, she was still only eight years old. She could read 'Mothers' deepest emotions and could tell that for the most part they concentrated on two paths. One was her fear that 'Father' would not return her love and that he would be lost to her forever. The emptiness at the end of that path of thought was frightening. The other path of thought was filled with an overwhelming love and need for 'Father' to be a part of her life again. Joy could sense 'Mothers' determination to convince 'Father' that she loved him. Joy felt certain that if she helped 'Mother', if she let 'Father' feel what 'Mother' was feeling about him, her love for him, that 'Father' would eventually see the truth.

What Joy wasn't certain of was how to help 'Mother' understand what 'Father' was feeling. Joy knew that 'Fathers' emotions when it came to 'Mother' had always been stormy, but since her arrival the night before his thoughts and emotions had been a veritable hurricane of crashing conflicting pounding turmoil. Joy was very afraid that if she let 'Mother' feel what 'Father' was feeling, the intensity would be more than she could deal with and it would frighten her. 'Fathers' thoughts and feelings had always been more complex than anyone else's, except for his feelings for Joy, which were pure and unconditional love. The complexity came from the fact that 'Father' could have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions going on inside his head at one time.

Joy had been so focused on the emotions that were going on inside of Spike and Buffy that she completely forgot about everyone else in the room. But after a minute, or maybe two, of them staring into each others eyes without saying anything, the emotions of those around them started to press in on her. Reaching out she let herself feel the gestalt of all those in the room. She could feel the fear and concern of the younger children who didn't really understand what was going on with 'Father' and the woman that had come to visit him. She could feel the love and concern of the older children as they pressed in around 'Father' to give him their full support. The love and concern of 'Fathers' friends was also present. Reaching out past them Joy let herself feel the emotions of all those that had come with 'Mother'. Except for the one that 'Father' called Angelus, everyone in the room seemed to except and support what was happening between 'Father' and 'Mother', and even the one wasn't hostile, it was more of a state of confusion. Angelus couldn't seem to wrap his mind around how 'Father' could be loved and trusted by so many people when they knew he didn't have a soul.

Reaching into the minds of both Spike and Buffy, Joy let them both feel the fear, love, concern and support of all those in the room. She even made sure that 'Father' felt the confusion that was taking place inside the mind of Angelus. Speaking inside Spikes mind, but letting Buffy hear her thoughts, Joy said, Father, you need to calm the young ones, they don't understand what is happening and they are afraid for you. All of the others need to be reassured too, they are worried about both of you. Sh'Tar and her sisters are very frightened, I need to go to them. You need to greet them too, Father, they were very brave to come here today. Other 'Friends' will be arriving soon with 'Grandfather', you will need to greet them when they arrive. You also need to talk to Mother, but there isn't the time right now. Promise her that you will talk to her. Mother trusts you Father, she will believe you if you promise.

When Joy slipped out of both of their minds, Spike and Buffy became fully aware of all the people gathered around them. They were still in a three-way hug with Joy, holding on to each other tightly. Buffy was the first to loosen her hold, but she didn't back away. Spike was the first to try to speak, his voice was thick with emotion as he spoke in a near whisper that only she could hear. "Slay…. Buffy, I know we need to talk, it's just that ..., I promise we'll talk, but I need to …" Buffy stopped Spike from saying anymore by placing her finger tips on his lips. When she spoke it was also in a whisper for his ears only. "I understand, Spike, you have responsibilities, and people that love you to take care of right now. But Spike, I'm one of those people too, I do love you, with all my heart."

Spike didn't say anything when Buffy said that she loved him, but there was something in his eyes that made her think that he might have believed her this time. There was also a small smile that came to his lips briefly. When Spike loosened his hold on her, Buffy took a step back. Spike was still holding Joy in his arms. Buffy watched him look into Joys eyes for a moment, watched him give her a quick kiss on the cheek, then set her down on the floor. When Spike lifted his face from looking down at Joy, it was as if a whole different person was standing there from the one of a few moments before.

Spike had a big smile on his face and there was a twinkle of merriment in his eyes. When he started speaking his voice sounded happy. "Hey now children, this is suppose to be a party isn't it? Where's the music and the dancing? There should be games for my baby's, were suppose to be having fun here, aren't we?"

Buffy didn't ignore her own friends, she turned to them with a smile on her face and started reassuring all of them that everything was fine, that she and Spike were going to talk soon, that they had some things to work out between them, but everything was okay now. But even as Buffy talked to her friends and fellow slayers she kept an eye on Spike. She watched as he started turning to the people around him, reaching out and touching his children to assure them that everything was alright now. Shaking hands and slapping shoulders or giving hugs and kisses to his friends that had come with Anne. She saw him reach out and cup Dawns cheek then give her a quick kiss. Watched him shake Andrews hand then pull him in for a quick hug. Saw him shake Xanders hand as they exchanged a few words and saw both of them smile at each other. She watched the tension ease out of his children and his friends.

As Spike moved through the crowd around him, Dawn moved up next to Buffy and putting her arm around Buffys shoulder gave her a hug. Together they watched Spike and the people he loved, and the love they gave him in return. When he finally worked his way through the crowd they watched as he dropped to his knees amongst his youngest children. He was reaching out and touching them, hugging them, kissing them, giving them his love and making them feel loved and happy.

Giles had also been watching Spike closely as he moved amongst his children and friends. Moving to stand next to Buffy, in a subdued but steady voice, he said "Watching Spike like this, I have to wonder, if possibly I …., if all of us, had treated him just a little differently …., if things might have turned out ….. differently?" Glancing over at Buffy, Giles could see that he had her attention. He also noticed that Dawn and Willow were both listening to what he had to say. "I'm not certain what I'm trying to say right now. It's just that ….. when I think back on all those times that Spike did certain things, things that should have been impossible for a soulless vampire, even one with a chip in his head, I have to wonder? I wonder how things might have been different, … if we'd tried to help him instead of always expecting the worst from him?"

Buffy let out a sigh of breath, then gave Giles a small sad smile. "I know what your saying, Giles. I've 'if'd' my past with Spike a thousand-thousand times. If only I'd done this, if only I'd done that, if only, if only, if only. I don't think there is an answer. We all behaved the way we did for our own reasons, most of them out of fear. All I can say is that for me, one of my biggest regrets, not the biggest, but one of them, is that I use to throw it into his face that he wasn't capable of love because he was soulless. I knew I was wrong when I was saying it, I knew I was lying to myself, but I couldn't face the truth back then. But all you have to do is look around this room and you can see that for Spike, it doesn't take a soul for him to love, or be loved. I just hope it's not to late for me to make him believe that I understand that now."

Dawn heard the catch in Buffys voice as she finished speaking and immediately wrapped her arm around Buffys shoulder and hugged her. "It's not to late, Buffy, I know it isn't. Spike still loves you, as much as he ever did, maybe even more. But, …. he's confused, and I think he's a little afraid. Okay, maybe a lot afraid. Spike's been telling himself for over seven years that you moved on with your life, that you were happy." Dawn paused for a moment to see if Andrew was anywhere nearby and might hear what she was saying. Once she spotted him halfway across the room she continued talking. "Look, don't tell Andrew this, but I don't think Spike ever really thought that Andrew would keep his secret about being back and in L.A. with Angel. He didn't really understand how important it was to Andrew to keep his promise to Spike. So, when no one, you, me, or anyone else tried to contact him after Andrew saw him the first time, it just sort of sucked the hope out of him. Then when he came to Rome with Angel and Andrew told them you'd moved on with your life, that you were dating 'The Immortal', and that you were in love and happy, well, I think that's when he gave up on being a part of your life."

Seeing the hurt in Buffys eyes, Dawn hurried on, "Buffy, don't you understand? Spike really really hates 'The Immortal'. But he loved you so much, and wanted you to be happy so much, that he thought the only way he could help you to be happy was to stay out of your life. The happy life you were making without him in it. He thought you knew he was back, and didn't care. That you were happy with your new life and didn't want him to be a part of it."

"After the fight with the SP's, Spike was injured really bad and it took months for him to heal and recover. By the time he was able to leave the Hool caves and come back to the surface, it had been months since we'd searched for him. When he heard rumors of people searching for him and the rest of the AI gang right after the fight, he thought it was the SP's looking for him. He never even thought about it being us, because there wasn't any of us around, no Watchers, no Slayers, nobody. He didn't know why, but he thought that we'd just written the city off and were leaving it to the SP's to take over again. So he did the only thing he could do, he started helping the children and the homeless people on the streets, protecting them from vampires and demons. When he found out that the SP's were trying to reestablish themselves in L.A. and take control of the demon clans again, he started working against them too. He's helped hundred and hundreds of humans and probably thousands of demons over the years. He's made friends all over the city and inside the demon clans and has gotten them to work together against the SP's a bunch of times."

"But Buffy, I think there's something you really need to understand. I'm not saying that Spike wouldn't have done all the things he did anyway, but I think that a part of the reason he did some of the things he's done is that he never stopped loving you and he didn't want to disappoint you. You told him once that you 'believed in him', that you believed that he could be a 'good man'. I think that Spike wanted to prove to you, and to himself, that even though he doesn't have a soul anymore he can still be a 'good man'."

(11/06)


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